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Alec thinks about it later;
He’s stretched out on his bed, parabatai rune throbbing, and feels like the weight of everything is going to press him right through the floor. He closes his eyes, breathes out through his nose slowly. He doesn’t want to be here, doesn’t want to deal with Clary’s muffled sobbing, Isabelle’s lethargy, or Simon’s moping. Everything feels broken and like it can never be fixed, but Alec’s never been a defeatist.
With the Institute on high alert and with his parents as current interim leaders, Alec half expected Magnus to disappear at the first opportunity. Instead, he’s currently curled up against Alec’s side, head nestled on Alec’s shoulder and one leg thrown between Alec’s. His breath is even - he’d fallen asleep almost as soon as he was comfortable - and he’s making soft noises that make something ache in Alec’s chest. Despite Alec telling him not hours ago that it felt too fast, that he was overwhelmed, he feels comfortable in his skin for what feels like the first time.
He hates that he embarrassed Lydia, that he let it get so far, but everything’s been overwhelming for so long, and stopping felt harder than giving in. He turns his face into Magnus’ hair, wrapping the arm Magnus is currently leaning on around his neck, brushing his fingers through black and red locks. He remembers when Magnus appeared in the church, the look on his face punching the breath from Alec’s chest. He knows what it’s cost Magnus to take a step back, to give Alec the agency he’s needed to decide what he wants to do.
Warmth blossoms through Alec’s chest and he presses a kiss to the crown of Magnus’ head. Magnus makes a sound and rolls closer into Alec, his nose pressing into Alec’s collarbone. He doesn’t know what he’s done to get someone like Magnus to not only pay attention to him, but to want him and like him and wait for him. It’s too much and not enough, and now that Alec has him, he doesn’t want to give him up, not even with immortality -
He pushes that thought away and thinks back to the wedding-that-almost-was, staring down at Magnus and knowing that he wanted to choose him. He had shoved down thoughts of the Clave, his parents, everything else but what he wanted; and he still wants Magnus, has always wanted Magnus.
You want me to throw my life away?
Alec’s always considered that’s what he would be doing, but this feels different. He’s regained something; maybe he’s not thrown his life away, maybe he’s taking it back for himself.
“Alexander?” Magnus stretches a little, taps his fingers against Alec’s chest. “You’re thinking too loud.”
Alec’s never understood that expression, but he blushes anyway. “Sorry.”
Shifting so that he can peer up into Alec’s face, Magnus frowns a little. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” Alec says, and despite everything that’s happening, actually means it. “I was just thinking about earlier.”
Magnus doesn’t have to ask, and that’s something else Alec loves about him. He always just knows what Alec thinks, wants, even while Alec’s still figuring it out for himself. Still he doesn’t push, or force, he just waits.
They lie in silence for a while, comfortable and happy. Alec feels braver than he has yet, shifts them both until he’s hovering over Magnus, resting all of his weight on his arms, framing Magnus’ head. Magnus smiles up at him, soft and open. He’s not wearing makeup, though there’s still a smudge of something under his left ear. Alec runs a thumb over it, clears it away, and watches Magnus’ eyes flutter a bit.
“I was thinking about the kiss,” he admits. He drops his eyes to Magnus’ mouth, the curve of his lips, the colour. Everything about them makes Alec want to kiss him again, but he’s not sure if he can. They’re in the same bed, sure, but that’s because Magnus wants to be close to the Institute and there was nobody else. Alec’s the one who told him he wanted to slow it down, but what if -
“Hey,” Magnus says, reaching up to curl his fingers around Alec’s neck. “What about the kiss?”
Alec lets out a breath and remembers grabbing Magnus’ jacket and pulling him in. He leans down, their noses so close with just a little more, they could almost be kissing. “It was my first.”
Magnus lets out a breath, Alec can feel it ghosting across his mouth, and nods gently. “I know.”
Alec curls his hands into fists and then leans down, brushes his lips against Magnus’. “I don’t know what I thought it would be like,” he admits. “I liked it.”
“I liked it too,” Magnus says softly. He brushes his fingers over the nape of Alec’s neck, kisses him just as softly as Alec kissed him. It’s not enough, and Alec wonders if he’s allowed to take.
“I want-” He cuts himself off.
“Whatever you want.” Magnus rests his free hand on Alec’s back. “Tell me about the kiss.”
Alec dips his head, nose resting against Magnus' cheek. “I don’t know how.”
Magnus brushes a hand through Alec’s hair. “I wasn’t sure you were going to choose me.”
Alec feels his chest tighten again, but not out of warmth this time. “I’m sorry. I don’t think I-”
“You don’t have to apologise,” Magnus tells him. “I told you that you’d have to choose, but I didn’t mean it. I never wanted to force you into anything.”
“You didn’t. It was my choice, is my choice.”
That makes something in Magnus light up and he’s kissing Alec again. Their first kiss had felt overwhelming, like something finally breaking and feeling right. Alec had surrendered himself to the kiss, breaking it only to remind himself that he’d chosen Magnus, that he’d actually done it, before leaning in to kiss Magnus again. This time, the hand in his hair is gripping tight, almost as though Magnus isn’t paying attention to how hard he’s pulling. His other hand is pressing hard against Alec’s back, nails digging in a little. When they finally pull away, Alec can’t help the noise he makes at the sight of Magnus, lips red and swollen, his pupils blown; he did that, made Magnus look like that.
“I want to do it again.”
Magnus laughs then, eyes crinkling. “You just did.”
Blushing, Alec dips his head, but Magnus guides it back up. They stare at each other for a beat, Magnus rubbing a thumb across Alec’s cheekbone.
“I know I said slow,” Alec starts, shifting his hands slightly so he can curl his fingers in Magnus’ hair. “But I want to kiss you again, I want to - I don’t know how to do this.”
Alec’s not sure how it’s possible, but Magnus looks even softer. “You can’t do this wrong, Alexander. Whatever you want, you can have, you just have to ask.”
“You can too,” Alec says quickly, before he can change his mind about saying anything at all. “If you want, if you, whatever, it’s okay to ask. I might not, I don’t know-”
Magnus rests a finger against his lips, his smile widening. “I’m happy to do this at your pace, whatever you want to do.”
This is why Alec wants to be here, this is why he couldn’t marry Lydia, why he stood up - and wants to continue to do so - to his parents. Why he’ll risk everything if it means he can learn more about Magnus, what he loves, how he thinks, his magic. “I liked that it was you.”
Magnus looks confused, dropping his finger back down to Alec’s chest.
“The kiss,” Alec explains. “I liked the kiss because it was you, I chose you, and I felt - feel - that whatever happens it’s worth it, because you’ve always - you’ve done everything you can for what’s best for me, but you should - I want you to do what’s best for you.”
“Oh, Alexander,” Magnus says, pulling Alec down until they’re nose to nose, until Alec’s lips are brushing his and he can feel it when Magnus says, “You are what’s best for me.”
Alec lets out a noise, a growl low in his throat, and they’re kissing again. It’s heated, warm and wet, and Alec can feel the nails in his back, the slide of Magnus’ body beneath his. It’s too much and not enough and everything. “Tell me how-”
Magnus doesn’t say anything, pulls Alec back in, runs his tongue over Alec’s bottom lip. He coaxes Alec’s mouth open and oh, oh, Alec didn’t know it could - he presses tentatively with his own tongue, slides it against the back of Magnus’s teeth, curls their tongues together. His fingers are twitching in Magnus’s hair, and the grip Magnus has on his own is almost too painful, but he doesn’t want it to stop. They pull back, breathe, and then they’re kissing again, lips and tongue and teeth; it’s more than Alec thought it could be, he doesn’t know why people ever stop.
When they break apart, Alec buries his face in Magnus’ neck, panting into his skin. Magnus runs both hands through Alec’s hair, kisses the side of his face, his temple. Alec can feel himself shaking and knows his face is flush with embarrassment. Magnus whispers in his ear that it’s okay, that he gets it, and Alec calms.
“I’m-”
“If you apologise, I might have shove you off this bed.” Magnus sounds amused, so Alec clamps his mouth shut, though he can’t keep the smile off of his face.
Alec blinks, shifts a little so that he can pull Magnus back against him, with Magnus resting his head on Alec’s collarbone once again. “Is it supposed to be so - overwhelming?”
Magnus splays the fingers of his right hand over Alec’s chest. His purple nail polish is a stark contrast against Alec’s skin. “It can be.”
“Is it ever for you?” Alec doesn’t know why he asks, maybe it’s him, maybe it’s Camille, maybe he wants to know whether it’s the same for Magnus as it is for him.
This time it’s Magnus who rolls over, pressing his chin into Alec’s chest. His legs are nestled in the gap between Alec’s, and Alec wraps his arms around Magnus’s strong, lithe body.
“It hasn’t been for a long time,” Magnus admits, and then must read something on Alec’s face because he adds, “Until now. Until you.”
Alec can’t help himself; he pulls Magnus in again, keeping the kiss chaste. When they pull away, he can feel his cheeks heat up again, though Magnus just looks happy. He doesn’t say I’m sorry even though he thinks Magnus knows he wants to. Alec suddenly wants him to know what he’s really been trying to say this whole time; “I’d do it again.”
“What?”
“Kiss you. Choose you.” Alec tightens his grip. “I’m glad I did.”
This time, it’s Magnus’ turn to blush, though he grins, blinding in a way that Alec’s never seen before. Alec finds himself loving that smile, wanting to see it so much more, and endeavours to do just that. Instead of answering him, Magnus presses up for another kiss. Alec’s not going to complain about that, knowing that whatever happens, this is something he never wants to give up.