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The fake dating plan went off without a hitch - objectively, that is. Ivan's family was overjoyed that he had a partner, and his mother was off his back. The only problem was that now everyone had been successfully convinced that you two were actually dating, which wouldn't even be a problem if you two still hadn't stopped dancing around each other.
You fell for Ivan almost immediately. You weren't expecting to be so taken with him, especially after knowing him for such a short time and through such strange circumstances, and falling for people wasn't even really your thing, but you fell, and hard. The fact that you two constantly flirted over text and calls certainly didn't help either - there was definitely a line between 'Faking-This-For-Practice' flirting, and 'Full-On-Dating-Without-The-Dating' flirting. Ivan had been steadily dropping hints that he was interested in making things serious, and you entertained them as much as you could. There was just one small, or not so small problem. You were asexual - and Ivan was most likely not, and so, here you were, working up the courage to call him and tell him as such. You couldn't help the lingering fears in the back of your mind - that Ivan would be offended, or make fun of you, or decide that you were no longer worth talking to now that he couldn't pursue you for sex. The cards didn't seem in your favor, considering your last (and only) two relationships, one of them not even making it past the first date because of your orientation.
You had briefly talked about making your...relationship (was it even a relationship???) serious, but at the time you had both agreed that it was too early, and that it would be best to get to know each other more. Then you had talked about it again, and Ivan seemed to be on board, but you were keeping him waiting. He didn't mind, supposedly, as the last time you two had called each other, you could hear the smile in his voice as he told you to "Take as much time as you need. I'll wait for you."
Now, you're laying on your stomach in bed, just staring at your shared message history with Ivan. You scroll up and down between chats, just wasting time even though you can see he's online, until the page lights up.
Ivan: Hey, sunshine! How wasy our day?? :)
You: Hi!!! Good, you?
Ivan: It was OK. Thought of you.
Ivan: That sounded weird.
You: Haha no it didn't. Are you free? Can we call?
He types for a second, before evidently just deciding to call you first. You're caught a little off guard as the ringtone plays and the icon pops up on your screen, but...the sooner you tell him, the sooner you can let him down, without hurting him too much. Or the sooner he accepts this, and you. Either way, you won't know unless you talk to him. You accept the call.
"What's up?" His voice comes through the speakers, and he sounds eager to talk to you. You turn the volume up and turn over onto your back.
"I actually wanted to talk about us. As in, making things official." You say, staring up at the ceiling. Now or never, as they say.
"Oh! Uh- yeah, of course! Sorry, I just wasn't expecting that. We can talk about this. Absolutely." You can hear him moving around, making sure he's settled before you talk about important things.
"Do you know what it means to be asexual, Ivan? This is going somewhere, I promise." You ask, and fight the urge to leave the call immediately after that. You cannot flake out on this, you can't let things fall apart because you're too scared of rejection - you're too old to be acting like this.
"Vaguely. Why?" Ivan replies, and if he's tuned into what this phone call is supposed to be about, his voice doesn't betray it. He just sounds like...well, like Ivan. Curious, a little shy, comforting.
"Okay, cool. Um, I think- no, I'm sure that I'm that. Asexual, I mean." You confess, and you stutter over your words. You can't help it - the only two other people you've told this to broke it off when you told them, not even giving you a chance to explain things fully. "And if we make this a serious thing, this is gonna have an impact on that."
After a beat of silence, you stifle a groan and press the heels of your hands against your eyes. To think that this was going so well, that Ivan was so, so sweet and kind, and that you ruined it by telling him that you pretty much never would think about wanting him physically because you're just, broken - or something.
"Are you upset?" He still hasn't responded, but the call is still connected. At least he didn't hang up on you. "I, uh...I can't tell if you are or not. Because I can't see you."
"Oh! No- no, I'm just...thinking." Ivan responds, and he's also tripping over his words. He does sound apologetic, like he meant to say something and didn't realize he hadn't. Or maybe he felt bad because he was delaying telling you that he didn't want to continue like this anymore. You can hear movement through the speaker. "Uh- could we maybe do a video call? I'd like to talk about this face-to-face, even if it's through a screen."
"Oh. Yeah, we can do that- yeah." You stammer, and sit up in bed, situating your laptop on top of a few books so that it's at a comfortable height to look at. You're not really sure where to put your legs, or your hands, so you opt for sitting with your legs crossed, your hands in your lap. "I'm ready whenever you are."
"Okay!" Some audible clicking, and then you're prompted to switch to a video call. You hesitate before accepting.
As Ivan's camera comes into focus, you look around his room as much as the call allows. He's at his desk, as usual, but he's dressed more casually, in a loose blue sweatshirt. He also doesn't look even remotely upset, like, at all. You wonder if he's just really good at masking his stress, but...considering how open he is when he's normally talking to you, that doesn't seem like the case. Maybe he's just trying really hard so that he doesn't hurt your feelings.
"Hi." He says, smiling at you. You watch as his eyes flick around the screen, settling into eye contact with you. "You, ah- you look really good. Not the point, sorry. But you do."
"Thanks." You laugh, toying with the hem of your t-shirt. "You too."
"Ha." Ivan chuckles, looking away, (God, he is always so bashful). "But, uh- forgive me for being insensitive, with you being asexual...does that mean we'll never have sex?"
The killer question. Your palms sweat, and you manage to take a deep breath before answering.
"I'm...not sure. Which I know doesn't make sense, like at all, but it's really complicated." You admit, because it is really complicated. It's times like these where you wish that every personal and minuscule identity had its own definition, but that luxury will likely never exist, so you have to do things the hard way.
"Okay. Well, like I said, I'm not busy, so we have plenty of time to talk about it." Ivan replies, leaning forward in his head, resting his head on his hands.
"Yeah. So-" You stop in your tracks. You didn't really have a plan when it came to explaining this to him. Sure, you knew what you wanted to say, but each time you ran through it in your head you talked about it differently, and now that structure you had built up was somehow completely gone, as if your brain forgot everything the minute you opened up your laptop. "I'm sorry, I just- the fact that you're even willing to talk about this is throwing me for a loop."
"Don't be sorry, sunshine. I want to hear what you have to say. I do...care about you, you know that, right?" Ivan asks, and his posture shifts, sitting up a little straighter, and you can see him reach forward to turn the volume up on his end. Your heart skips a beat.
"Yeah, of course. Thank you- um. Okay. I'm not repulsed by sex, I don't think. I could see myself being sexual with someone I care about, but I don't want to be penetrated or anything like that- sorry, that's too much information. I would do it to make someone happy- not because I felt obligated!" You clarify quickly, as you can see Ivan's brows draw together, like he's about to object. "Seeing my partner happy, and doing something for them, is something I would want to do. Pleasing someone else would be enough. I just...don't want that for myself, really. I just don't feel that desire, that need to have sex with anyone."
Ivan nods, smiling. "I think I understand. You're happy to give without receiving- but it's not just a preference! Sorry I- I didn’t mean to put it that way."
"...Yeah, actually. That's a good way to put it, kind of." You admit, and you relax a little bit. He's understanding, this is good. Not only that, but he hasn't told you that it's over. "I just might not want to...please someone, either. I don't know if I actually would ever feel that desire or not- like, I wouldn't initiate. I don’t think I’ve ever thought about sex like that, even in my past relationships. I just…don’t know. I’m sorry."
"I see...don’t be sorry." Ivan says with a hum, but then looks away. His expression changes - very slightly, but it does. "So- do you still find me attractive? Sorry- I shouldn't have said that-"
"No! I mean, yes! I do, yes." You interject, waving your hands in front of the screen. "I- I still find you attractive, even if I don't want to have sex with you. I still find you very attractive, you're gorgeous, handsome, just all around perfect. I've just...never wanted to with anyone."
"Oh- okay, okay. Good- or, thank you! Um..." He's blushing now, and he rubs the back of his neck. “It’s just with the teasing-"
”I mean it! All of it, I was never lying. If you want me to stop-“
”No! Or, ah- you don’t have to if you don’t want to. Aha. We’re kind of off-topic.”
You’re both blushing like idiots by this point - Ivan‘s face is cherry red and you can feel your cheeks flushed.
“So you- you still want to be…us, then? You’re not breaking up with me?” The words stumble out of your mouth - you’re not even officially dating yet, he wouldn’t even be-
“Wha- No! I would never- did you think I’d do something like that?” You watch him scramble, sitting up like a string was pulled on his spine, leaning closer into the camera. You fight the urge to grin. Of course he wouldn't split things off because of something like this - he's Ivan, for god's sake. He wouldn't be the type of person to do that, not without trying to work things out. "Is this why you were hesitating on making things official between us?"
"I'm sorry, I just...past experiences." You admit. If this call doesn't wrap up soon you think your heart might actually leap into your throat.
"Stop apologizing, sunshine." Ivan pleads, his tone just a little exasperated, but more relieved, and especially fond. "We...I don't 'need to have' sex in a relationship. I like it, but it's not a deal-breaker. If you want to, someday, then that's great! But- it's also great if you don't want to. I just want to be with you, no matter how that looks." He seems to process what he's just said. "Wow that- that sounded really..."
"I liked it." You laugh, covering your face with your hands to hide your giggles. "I...you're just- great. You're really great."
You both lapse into a bit of silence, just staring at each other's blushing faces, until Ivan speaks up again.
"So- just one more question- is touching, like hugs, kisses, still on the table...?"
"I would love to do that." You reply, maybe a bit too enthusiastically, as you lurch forward and Ivan laughs, his voice tinny through your laptop speakers. "I would really like to kiss you. I'm not very good at it, though."
"That's okay! I'd really like to do that, too. And other stuff, like cuddling. You look really nice to hold- sorry, is that weird?"
"I don't think so."
"Good! Good." Ivan just smiles at you, and then he chuckles, looking down at his desk for a moment. "I'm...I'm sorry that people have treated you poorly because of this, and that you thought I'd react the same way."
"Now who's apologizing?" You joke, but something about that makes a jab at you, somewhere inside. "I- it's okay, now. I'm over it, and, well, I have you."
"Yeah. You do." Ivan says, and he sighs, leaning back in his chair. "We're...partners, now?"
"I think I like the sound of partners."
"Me too." Ivan's eyes are warm, and inviting. His entire energy is like that, really. It's moments like these when you're reminded why you fell for him so quickly. You watch those eyes crinkle with a smile when he looks at you - only to widen in slight alarm as he looks at the corner of his screen.
"Ah- I'm sorry, it's getting late...Could we pick this up tomorrow, maybe? I'm sorry to leave you hanging, it's-"
"Oh! No, it's okay! I didn't have much else to say, honestly...I wasn't prepared for you to be so...kind about this."
"We are definitely going to talk about that tomorrow- only if you want to, of course! But, I do have to go- goodnight!"
"Goodnight!" You reply, and you wave at him as he closes the call. You two had talked for longer than you had expected, nearing forty minutes.
You sit and stare at your screen, back to the message history with your now partner. A last message pops up from Ivan.
Ivan: Thank you for telling me this about yourself. Goodnight! <3
You: <3
As you begin to close your laptop, it starts pinging again - but those messages aren't from Ivan. You roll your eyes - it's definitely Cupid, unless the server somehow managed to also listen to your call. Whatever, you can respond in the morning, and you close your laptop, rolling onto your back again. You feel good. Elated, even, like you're on top of the world. You still can't believe that he just accepted you, just like that. If you were a few years younger, you'd probably pick up a pillow and scream into it from happiness.
Oh, what the hell. You can do that at any age.