Work Text:
Chuuya was stressed out. Exam, study, presentation, study, exam, study, exam. Bad mark, acceptable, bad, bad, okay, good, bad, bad, acceptable. But when he looks at Dazai his eyes burned with envy. That bastard only writes good marks and doesn't even really study, right?
Dazai was stressed out. Exam, everyone hates you, study, exam, just die already, you don't deserve this, yeah, go to your room cut your skin open, nobody cares.
Maybe he should socialise more. I wanna talk to Chuuya! But what should I talk about? Oh, right! We had an exam we got back, let's ask him what mark he got.
"Hey Chuuya!"
"Hmm?"
"What did you get on the exam we had the other day?"
"Ugh an F of course." Chuuya rolled his eyes. "Let me guess, you got an A?"
Die, Dazai, just die you bastard. You fucked up.
"Yeah..."
I know I don't deserve it.
Chuuya turned around and left. Dazai just stood there, his thoughts rushing.
"Fuck!"
He wants to die, right? It's what the voice was telling him... The voice was right. It was God, wasn't it? Or well... Maybe the devil? Since his crush on Chuuya he was wrong. Not allowed to believe in God anymore. But when he went to this Christian event the lady said the first thought was God trying to tell him something. Why was God telling him to die? He was drowning. Was he even allowed to call himself a Christian? He doesn't like the stuff in the bible. He talked to a religious classmate once. He said that you can't be called a Christian if you believe in God but not in the church or the bible. Then he talked something about horses and ordinary books. Dazai doesn't remember. He wanted to leave. He stopped looking for cars when crossing the streets. It didn't matter anymore, did it? If God wanted him dead, he'd let him die.
Dazai sat at the train station waiting for his train. Strangely he doesn't have the urge to die. He walks by a bridge every day. Never did he really think about wanting to jump. He has a rooftop, never does he think of jumping. He is at the train station every day, never does he think about taking the step. He has a kitchen with sharp knives, never does he use them. What Dazai uses are the nail scissors and the blade of the pencil sharpener he found in his room. He doesn't even know why... He doesn't feel sad or depressed, just tired. Well maybe a little sad... Very depressed... Okay maybe he was. But that wasn't the reason why he did it. He just wanted anyone to notice. But why does he cover it up then? Why is he scared of anyone finding out? He told Chuuya, his crush. And Chuuya told some classmates. Why did he do that again? Ah, yes, Dazai said it was fine. It wasn't. Maybe he regretted it. But what is he supposed to do? They wouldn't forget. At least they didn't tell anyone. They just don't care. No one does. Right? He wished someone cared. But he doesn't deserve it. He just doesn't. He fells it deep down. He should just disappear forever. Instead of worrying everyone.
Dazai's spiralling thoughts were interrupted. Mori texted him. The old man, the reason he almost got an eating disorder. That weirdo doesn't stop pestering him just because he doesn't weigh 50 kg anymore. He was fine. His weight was alright. He was healthy. Physically. We don't talk about his mental health. He knows that Mori wouldn't care. He'd just shrug his shoulders and tell him to grow up. Wait. He texted him. What does the old man want?
'Hey Dazai, get your ass outside. The air is good for you and if you move you might even lose some weight, who knows?'
That bastard. Dazai despised him. And then he had the audacity to ask if he'd still talk to him when he moves out.
Chuuya told him multiple times that what Mori said was bullshit. But why does he start to believe him? No. He was too lazy anyways. That's what saved his ass every time.
"...zai"
"Dazai"
"Dazai... Are you there?"
It was Chuuya. Knocking repeatedly on the door to his room.
"What is it, slug?"
"Can I come in?"
The ginger didn't wait. He just opened the door and walked up to Dazai sitting on his bed.
Is he going to apologise? He shouldn't... It's valid how he's feeling...
"Is everything fine?"
"Yes" Liar. Liar. Liar. You dirty liar.
"Okay good... That's all actually. See you tomorrow!"
And with that Chuuya left. Right. He didn't care. Or well maybe he cares but Dazai is a liar. Chuuya told him that he HATED liars. So he hates Dazai, right? It's practically the same thing.
The next day he saw Fyodor crying. Fyodor was diagnosed with depression. Dazai wasn't. Fyodor was crying, having a mental breakdown. Dazai wasn't. Dazai rarely cries. He rarely feels anything. Sometimes he cries. He feels guilty then. He feels guilty for cutting. For crying. He shouldn't feel this way. He's fine. Right? He doesn't need help. He doesn't deserve help.
Dazai is just sitting there. Fyodor's friends comforting him. It's about a presentation he can't do. His parents being strict. Dazai doesn't have that problem. Is he jealous? Jealous that Fyodor has a right and reason to feel this way? He shouldn't be. Bad, Dazai. That's bastard behaviour. Die, Dazai. Just die. Is he jealous that his friends are comforting him? Dazai looks at Chuuya. He doesn't want to admit it. But Chuuya makes him want to die more.
"Chuuya! I dreamed such bullshit last night! I-"
"Be happy that you could sleep at all. I had a panic attack again."
Right. Chuuya has a right to feel this way. He has antidepressants at home which are prescription medication. Chuuya was bad enough the get help. Dazai isn't. He regrets not bringing the blade. His blade. It would be boring into his skin if it weren't at home. He needs to get worse. He isn't bad enough. He feels alone. Everyone who is like him gets help. But he doesn't. He isn't like them. He is fine. Or at least he told himself that.
They arrived at school. They had Sports in the first lessons. Dazai had to change in front of the others. He doesn't like it. He doesn't like that Chuuya looks for them. He looks for the scars because he knows. He regrets it. Chuuya did it himself. Dazai didn't look for cuts. He knew but he didn't look for them. Did he not care enough? He's selfish. Egoistic. At least that's what Mori told him.
They had a test a few days ago and Chuuya fell right before that test. Dazai was helping him and showing concern. And today he talked about it.
"The wound on my knee is from my accident before the test. I hit my head too."
Chuuya was laughing meaning it wasn't painful anymore. And Chuuya did joke that it didn't do any damage because there was nothing more to damage.
"Didn't do much damage-"
"God, I wish you would've been the one to hit his head!"
Oh... That hurt...
A bit later Dazai sat in class reading. What else would he do. Chuuya texted him. He was pissed because of a thing he had to do and he knew Dazai could change that and that he should have done it earlier. Dazai wanted to die again. The voice was back. But he can't. Chuuya hates him. Chuuya's stupid boyfriend Tachihara hates him. Everyone hates him. Dazai tried opening up to Chuuya about his thoughts. But Chuuya only dismissed him with an "as if you had the courage to kill yourself". Dazai started joking about it more often. Especially next to Chuuya, Tachihara, Atsushi and Kunikida. Kunikida and Atsushi being the ones who always told him not to. And it comforts him a little. That someone pretends to care. He doesn't know when Kunikida started to care. And why suddenly he turns every joke into an lecture. Did anyone spread rumours? Did they start to notice the lines. Did they think it was a lie at first?
Clearly Chuuya doesn't get it, Chuuya had said that he'd party when Dazai died. He didn't want to die. If he really wanted to die he would've done it already. He's fine. Really.
After one particularly bad day full of jokes about him killing himself and Chuuya crying his heart out over his break up with Tachihara, Dazai decided to do it. Or at least try to. But why is it so difficult? The how's. The when's. The where's. It's so difficult. He sat in his room. Thinking about it. He walked into his bathroom. Finally. Do it! Dazai. Do it! The pills. The razor. Both! Take the pills and cut yourself open! Dazai already had two bottles of sleeping pills in his hands. 30 each. 30 little white pills. 30 that would make his heart stop little by little. He put them in his hand, readied a glass of water and put his hand to his mouth.
"Dazai! You there?"
Shit. Chuuya's here. Dazai had only taken 10. He just won't say anything. Let Chuuya think that he isn't here. Make him leave. After a while he heard him step away. That's good. Dazai took the rest of the pills and started writing the notes.
"I'm sorry..." That's all he could think off. He was crying. For the first time in very long. He was dying. And the words wouldn't come to him. It's fine. He wanted this. Right? No he didn't. He didn't. Who would want this? Dazai didn't. He was tired. He lay down on the bed.
He wakes up. It was so bright? Heaven? No, he would never go to heaven. He looked around and saw a familiar ginger in a chair next to him. So he's in a hospital then. Chuuya was with him. The note in his hand. "I'm sorry...", was all it said. But Chuuya would get the unspoken words. Dazai knew it. What's the time?
"You're awake. I was worried. Do you get it? I was the one who found you on the bed. Thinking you were just asleep until i saw the pills in the bathroom. I turned on the light amd saw you foaming at your mouth. Why would you do that? You were fine? Weren't you? Why didn't you say anything?"
"I'm sorry..." That's all Dazai could croak out.
"You dumbass. You're important to me! What do you think why I broke up with Tachihara?! I want to be with you! I like you, you're important to me! I'm in love with you!"
What? Chuuya? In love with Dazai?
That's too beautiful to be true.
Maybe they could work.
Maybe.
Maybe it's worth staying.
For now.