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Alec was tired.
“Long” didn’t feel like a big enough word to describe the last 48 hours of his life: the wedding, calling off the wedding, Hodge’s betrayal, finding the Book of the White, losing Jace, waking up Jocelyn… it had felt like it might never end. But here he was, finally back at the Institute, feeling mostly numb as he watched Clary and Jocelyn embrace. The two redheads went towards Clary’s room with their arms around each other, Jocelyn clinging to Luke with her free hand. He and Izzy made eye contact and without a word his sister closed the short distance between them and wrapped her arms around him.
Alec pressed his face into her hair, sighing quietly as he wrapped his arms around her in return. He felt a twinge of relief when she didn’t say anything, just tucked her face against his neck as best she could. It was reassuring to know he wasn’t the only one feeling Jace’s absence like a physical pain, an ache somewhere behind his ribs coupled with a burn in his throat. His parabatai bond felt weak, sick, as if Jace was trying to block Alec out, making him feel nauseous and vaguely lightheaded. To be fair, that could also be the lack of sleep, he reasoned as Isabelle stepped back to look up at him.
She smiled at him, though it looked suspiciously like a watery-eyed grimace from where Alec was standing. He offered on in return, squeezing her arms as he did so.
“I’m going to bed,” Izzy said quietly. Alec nodded.
“Sounds like a good idea,” he replied. Izzy glanced up at him with a searching expression.
“Have you spoken with Magnus?” she asked hesitantly. Alec felt himself tense up slightly as he sighed and dropped his arms from Izzy’s to drag a hand over his face.
“Only briefly before we got called out here,” he admitted. Isabelle nodded slowly, hugging herself as she looked him over.
“I was going to say you should go have a real talk, but you look like you could drop dead at any second,” she said with a grin, laughing when he scowled at her.
“Go to bed big brother,” she suggested with a pat on his arm. “But at least text Magnus before you do, so he knows you’re not mad.”
Alec nodded, knowing it was better to agree than argue. Isabelle gave him another quick hug before moving off to her room, heels clicking rhythmically. Alec rubbed both hands over his face with another sigh before turning back towards the conference table. Magnus was hovering there, looking uncharacteristically unsure as his gaze darted around the room. When his eyes alighted on Alec, and found him looking, he forced a smile and moved towards him.
“Always nice to see something good after a day like today,” Magnus offered, stopping to lean against the end of the table as Alec stopped in front of him. On one hand, he wanted nothing more than to close the gap between them and press his face into Magnus’ neck, and on the other the distance between them seemed insurmountable.
“Yeah, that’s one way to look at things,” Alec agreed. He found he was unable to look Magnus in the eye, so he fixed his gaze on a point just over his right shoulder. He heard Magnus sigh quietly and glanced over at his face, but had to look away immediately once he saw the sadness in his eyes.
“Alexander,” Magnus began, but Alec cut him off immediately.
“Let’s not do this now,” he said quietly, turning his gaze to his shoes. “I’m exhausted and I’m sure you are too, so let’s both get some sleep okay? We can talk tomorrow.”
“All right Alexander,” Magnus said after a brief hesitation. “That’s probably a good idea. I’ll see you at my apartment tomorrow then?”
Alec nodded, glancing up to look Magnus in the eye so he would know Alec was serious. Magnus moved off the table, and after moment’s hesitation, stepped forward and pressed a light peck to Alec’s cheek. Alec could feel himself flushing as Magnus moved away, smiling softly.
“Until tomorrow,” Magnus said, and then stepped off to portal himself home. Alec watched until the portal faded away, cheek tingling slightly from the brush of Magnus’ lips. Once the portal was gone, Alec shook himself slightly and started for his bedroom.
He made it back to his room without incident, and he gave a quiet sigh of relief as he closed and locked the door behind him. Exhaustion had seeped into every pore of his body, and Alec barely had enough energy to strip down to his boxers before collapsing on his bed. With some difficulty, he got himself under the covers and pressed his face into the pillow. His final thoughts before falling asleep were a sincere hope that both Jace and Magnus were safe and getting a good night’s sleep.
Alec was dragged into consciousness the next morning by a loud banging. It took him a moment to realize that someone was knocking, no, pounding at his door, and that he needed to go answer it. Groaning quietly, he flopped out of bed and stumbled to his door, rubbing his eyes in an attempt to wake himself up. He flung open the door to reveal Izzy, completely dressed and raising an eyebrow at his appearance.
“Expecting someone else?” she teased, nodding towards his bare chest. Alec scowled at her, crossing his arms in a poor attempt to shield himself from her gaze.
“What do you want Iz? I was sleeping.”
“Just giving you a heads-up. Mom’s on the warpath over Jace, and she’s taking it out on everyone,” Izzy replied. “So if you’re planning to see Magnus today, try to avoid letting her see you leave. I can cover for you while you’re gone.” Alec didn’t even bother pretending he wasn’t going to Magnus’, and nodded to his sister.
“Thanks Izzy, for the heads up and the cover,” Alec said sincerely. “I’ll probably try and slip out in an hour or so, now that I’m up.”
Izzy nodded in understanding and headed down the hall. Alec closed the door behind her and sighed deeply, resting his head on the door for a moment. Then he pushed himself into motion, grabbing a towel and heading for his bathroom. He took a fast, efficient shower, using the cool water to wake himself up fully. Once finished, he dried himself off and pulled on a clean pair of boxers before moving to his closet to get dressed.
His clothes presented a slight problem, Alec realized as he surveyed what he owned. He wanted to look nice to see Magnus, which was a bit frightening in its implications, but nearly everything he owned was faded black or gray. After digging through his shirts for a frankly ridiculous amount of time, Alec stumbled upon a dark blue V-neck shirt. He was fairly certain he’d never seen it before in his life, which meant that Izzy must have slipped it into his closet while he was out one day. He pulled it on, along with black jeans, his black boots, and his leather jacket.
Unfortunately, clothes had been the easy part. As Alec slipped out of his room, it finally hit him just how difficult it was going to be to get out of the Institute unseen. With Jace gone and Valentine in possession of the cup, the whole building was on high alert and there were people everywhere. Alec paused in the hallway, debating how exactly he should go about getting away. On the one hand, going out the front door almost guaranteed that he’d been seen, stopped, and asked where he was going; on the other hand, going out the back door was inherently suspicious and if anyone caught him he’d be hard-pressed to explain why he was sneaking out the back.
Deciding that the risk of going out the back was too great, Alec headed for the front door, moving purposefully and acting like he was heading to do something important. No one bothered him, and he was all the way through the central command room when he heard his name. He turned and felt a stab of dread when he saw his mother stalking towards him.
“And just where do you think you’re going?” she snapped, arms crossed over her chest. “Your brother is missing, Valentine has the cup, it’s not safe to be out without a clear mission.”
“Yeah, I know mom,” Alec replied, trying not to let his panic show. “I was just… I was going to get some fresh air, you know, take a walk to clear my head.”
“You cannot be serious Alec,” his mother said, disbelievingly. Alec could see that he was about to be forbidden to leave and blurted out the first thing that might stop her in her tracks.
“I just don’t feel well, with Jace so far away, so I thought being outside might help.”
Alec mentally patted himself on the back for managing to say something that was both relatively true and had a fairly significant impact on his mother. He watched her face cycle rapidly through several emotions before it finally settled on understanding.
“Of course, that sounds… reasonable,” his mother replied. Alec almost sighed with relief.
“Take your bow,” she continued. “And keep someone posted on where you are. Don’t stay out too long or I will send Isabelle to fetch you.”
Alec couldn’t even voice his agreement before Maryse was marching away, back into the command center. He let out the relieved sigh he’d been holding in as he turned and exited the Institute. He texted Izzy as he slipped onto the subway to head to Magnus’ loft.
On my way to see Magnus. Mom thinks I’m clearing my head after Jace, tell her I’m in Central Park or something if she asks. He carefully squeezed himself onto the train, ignoring the mundanes staring at his runes. A moment later, he got a reply from Isabelle.
Got it big bro. Take as long as you need with Magnus, I’ll deal with mom.
Alec sent her a quick thanks Iz in reply and focused on getting off at the right train stop. Once he’d left the train and made it aboveground, he called Magnus. The phone rang twice before Magnus picked up.
“Hello?”
“Hi Magnus, it’s me,” Alec shuffled his feet as he spoke, suddenly nervous. “I managed to get away from the Institute and I was wondering if I could come over?”
“Of course you can,” Magnus said immediately. “How far away are you?”
“Like fifteen minutes,” Alec answered, glancing around to take in exactly where he was in relation to the loft.
“Perfect,” Magnus said. “I’ll leave the door unlocked.”
“Okay. I’ll see you soon then,” Alec replied.
“See you soon Alexander,” Magnus said and Alec thought he could hear a smile in Magnus’ voice as he spoke. Alec hung up and set off, moving purposefully through the streets of Brooklyn.
Alec used every ounce of his self-control to prevent himself from running straight to Magnus’ loft. Instead, he deliberately walked at a calm pace, basking in the warm sunshine of a surprisingly nice day. He listened to snatches of conversation as people bustled by him. To Alec, they seemed to be moving almost in slow motion, a sluggish river of human bodies flowing in and out and among the towering skyscrapers. It was oddly soothing, the constant motion reminding him that the city was alive and functioning; he hadn’t failed them by letting Jace and Valentine get away.
Without consciously realizing it, his feet had led him to Magnus’ door and he took a deep breath before he squared his shoulders and entered the building. Alec ignored the elevator in favor of jogging up the stairs, the rhythmic sound of his feet against the steps keeping him from worrying too much about the discussion waiting for him at the top of the stairs. When he finally reached the door to the loft, Alec took a deep breath and reached for the door handle. True to his word, Magnus had left it unlocked and Alec stepped into the apartment.
The space was mostly unchanged since the last time Alec had been there, save for the daylight streaming through the windows. Alec closed the door behind him and moved tentatively into the apartment. When he couldn’t see Magnus after a few steps inside, he paused and called for him.
“Magnus? It’s Alec.”
“Alexander!” Alec turned and saw Magnus coming out of his bedroom with a smile on his face. Alec thought he looked as exceptional as always: his hair had blue streaks today, to match his navy blazer paired with gray slacks. Sparkly and extravagant, but still professional – the epitome of Magnus Bane.
“Would you like to sit?” Magnus offered, waving towards the sofa. Alec nodded and followed Magnus into the living room, settling himself on the couch. He could feel his nerves creeping up on him now, and found himself rubbing his palms on his jeans to try and get rid of some of the sweat that had built up there. Magnus gracefully sat at the other end of the couch to leave some space between them, for which Alec was grateful.
“So,” Alec started, then stopped. He didn’t really know where to begin, but Magnus seemed to understand and smiled softly at him.
“So indeed,” Magnus replied. “May I ask you something Alexander?”
“Of course,” Alec said with no hesitation.
“Does it upset you more that Camille kissed me or that she mentioned my immortality?”
“I don’t care that she kissed you,” Alec said, confused. “Why would I care? It’s not like you were enjoying yourself. Wait, were you enjoying yourself?”
“Absolutely not,” Magnus replied vehemently. Alec felt himself relax.
“Okay, so why would I care about that?” Alec asked, still puzzled. Camille had practically jumped Magnus, it wasn’t Magnus’ fault.
“I don’t know,” Magnus replied honestly. “I was just afraid that you would be upset by it. If it’s not that, I assume that it’s the immortality then?”
“Yeah,” Alec agreed. He stopped there, waiting for Magnus to continue. But Magnus didn’t say anything, and after a minute Alec realized that he was waiting to hear what Alec had to say. He took a deep breath before speaking.
“I – I meant what I said at the Institute yesterday. Everyone around you ages and dies and you just have to keep going. That sounds horrible Magnus and I just… I don’t want to cause you any more pain.”
“Very noble of you,” Magnus said quietly. “But I also meant what I said yesterday: immortality is not invulnerability. I could die at any moment, same as you. That’s life Alexander.”
Alec glanced down at his hands, trying to organize his thoughts enough to explain what he was feeling to Magnus. To explain how terrified he was of this thing between them, new and electric and exhilarating but fragile all the same. How he worried that any wrong move, any faltering step might shatter what they were trying to build and tear them apart. Or worse, how any dark thing in the night could rip them apart at any moment without a hint of warning. Alec had spent his whole life tamping down on his emotions, especially romantic ones; the idea of fostering them now was nothing short of mind-boggling.
“Unless, of course,” Magnus said, breaking into Alec’s thoughts. “You don’t want to do this? And by this, I do of course mean date.”
“No!” Alec yelped, eyes shooting up to meet Magnus’. He seemed surprised at the outburst, but to be fair so was Alec.
“You’ll have to forgive me Alexander, but your near-insistence that this relationship is not a good idea leads me to think you feel otherwise,” Magnus said with a frown. Alec pushed a nervous hand through his hair, fidgeting in his seat as he tried to gather his wits.
“I… I don’t want to not do this,” Alec stuttered out, waving his hand between them. Magnus’ eyebrows had gone up at the double negative, but he didn’t say anything, giving Alec time to collect himself and continue.
“I want to do this,” Alec repeated, slower and more confidently. “I’m just… I’m scared Magnus. Angel, it’s embarrassing to admit, but that’s the truth.”
Alec had looked away from Magnus by this point, face heating up as he disclosed his feelings. He ran his hands anxiously through his hair, feeling his heart rate kick up and his palms start to sweat profusely. To his surprise, he felt one of Magnus’ hands gently slip into his while the other gently cupped his jaw and nudged his head up until Alec met his eyes. Magnus’ expression was soft, kind and for the first time Alec saw a hint of all the years he’d lived in his eyes.
“There’s nothing to be embarrassed about Alexander,” Magnus said firmly. “Remember when I told you that confusion was part of this? Fear is too. If it helps, I’m scared too; don’t look so surprised, I might be experienced but that doesn’t mean I’m immune to fear.”
“I’m scared of that too,” Alec whispered, feeling shame race down his spine but now that he’d started he couldn’t stop the words spilling from his mouth.
“You know so much and you’ve done so much and what have I done? Kissed you in front of everyone I know? I don’t know what I’m doing Magnus. And what if I’m bad at this, what if I’m the worst partner ever, and-”
“Alexander, stop,” Magnus said sharply and Alec’s mouth snapped shut immediately. Magnus’ gaze had intensified and Alec felt a bit like Magnus was looking through him. He squirmed slightly, feeling uncomfortable in his own skin.
“I know those things worry you, but I assure you that they are of no concern to me. I care for you a great deal Alexander, regardless of whether you know what you’re doing or not. And who says I know what I’m doing, or that I’m good at this? I could be a terrible date for all you know.”
By the end Magnus was smirking a little and Alec found himself smiling a little in return, even as shook his head.
“I don’t think you could be bad at anything,” he muttered, and startled when it made Magnus laugh loudly.
“And that’s how I know you’ve never seen my disastrous attempts at art,” Magnus said with a wink, drawing his hand away from Alec’s face. He started to slide his hand out of Alec’s as well, but Alec clasped it a little more firmly and glanced at him uncertainly. Magnus glanced down at their hands in surprise before smiling warmly and squeezing Alec’s hand in return.
“Can I assume that we’re still on for that date?” Magnus asked, sounding both hopeful and a little nervous. Alec bit his lip and took a deep breath before responding.
“Yeah, I’d like that. I’d really like that,” Alec said shyly. The blinding grin he got from Magnus in return was all he needed to know that he’d made the right decision.