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Gintoki wasn’t sure when this game between them had started.
One moment, they were bickering as usual, going out for drinks, meeting up at the movies, fighting with no real intent behind it and the next without even realising Gintoki was stealing furtive glances at the cop, noticing the blue of his iris against his deep set eyes, the way his neck was slightly paler than his face, the way the tensed lines on his forehead eased when he smiled.
Before he knew it, he found himself anticipating when Hijikata would finish his patrol so that he could join him for dinner at their favourite izakaya, everytime a new sequel for their favourite anime movie was announced, he wondered if they would end up at the same theatre again. At the bathhouse, he started wishing for Hijikata to arrive at the same time.
It was weird, to feel the sensation of coiled snakes moving around his chest every time he thought about the chain smoking officer, to feel his heart lurch in joy when he was near him, to feel his face heat up when he sees Hijikata smile.
He wasn’t alone in this feeling. Considering how much he had been observing Hijikata, he knew that it wasn’t just him who felt this odd tension between them.
He could sense the man’s eyes on him when he fought, he could feel the warmth of his body against his when Hijikata deliberately leaned on him after drinking a little too much saké. He could hear his breath hitch when Gintoki got too close to him in the pretence of an argument.
They were stuck in a limbo, once again in the same situation, knowing that the other person feels the same yet unable to do anything.
Every now and then, Gintoki thought of giving in–especially when Hijikata looked at him with that uncharacteristically soft gaze, when their knees touched just the slightest bit, when the saké bought on the other man’s money tasted especially sweet.
But he couldn’t. He was a coward, fearing about what comes after. He was stubborn, not wanting to change the comfortable dynamic they had going on. And he was terrified, of wanting good things to happen to him.
And he was just the tiniest bit angry- after all Hijikata felt the same, didn’t he? Why doesn’t he take the next step? Why can’t he be the one to be the brave one amongst the two? Why did he have to be cut from the same cloth as Gintoki.
They danced around each other, trying to get the other one to admit their feelings, trying their best to keep their guard up- it was a simple game with simple rules-the one to confess first loses.
And Gintoki hated to lose. Especially against that mayonnaise obsessed freak.
***
Edo’s summer this time around was extremely hot, the heat reaching levels never reached before according to a report by Ketsuno Ana. In the scorching heat, Gintoki would have loved to do nothing but lie around his house drinking cold strawberry milk but instead here he was, driving his moped under the unforgiving sun, delivering food. He was already three months behind on paying rent– he could sense Tama’s intentions to blow up his abode from afar. Not wanting invite more trouble and after much nagging from both Kagura and Shinpachi he finally decided to make some money.
He was almost done with the deliveries, just two more and he could drive home and put some ice inside his undershirt while sitting in front of the fan.
He almost didn’t see Hijikata running towards him. He had just dropped off an order and was ready to sit on his scooter, make his last delivery and be done with the whole affair.
Except when he sat, he could feel a familiar weight on the backseat.
“Oi, what do you think you’re doing?”
Instead of getting down and profusely apologising for his mistake and going his own way, Hijikata Toshirou placed his palm on Gintoki’s shoulder, making himself comfortable.
“You see that bike over there? I want you to follow them.” Hijikata pointed over at two men right in front of them who were riding away, the one on the back holding a bulky bag.
“Hell no. I’m gonna go home and sleep till I get tired of sleeping. Why should I help you anyways?”
“They’re the robbers we’ve been trying to catch for ages. If you don’t help me, I’d arrest you for obstruction of justice.”
Gintoki looked over at him, unimpressed.
“Fine. I’ll pay you for your troubles, okay?”
“Now we’re talking.” He strapped on his helmet. “You better hold on to me tight unless you wanna fall off.”
He could sense Hijikata rolling his eyes but he didn’t say anything and tightened his grip on Gintoki’s shoulder, sitting a bit more closer to him.
Woah, heart. Now is not the time to go pitter patter. Gin-san has two robbers to catch.
Ignoring the butterflies in his stomach and the sensation of Hijikata’s warm breath on his neck, Gintoki revved up the engine of his moped, driving as fast as he could.
The chase was over pretty soon, thankfully. As soon as Gintoki caught up to the bike with his main character power, Hijikata drew his sword and slashed the tires of the offending vehicle.
Once the guys lost their balance and fell to the ground, there wasn’t any chance for them to escape. Hijikata jumped out of the scooter before Gintoki could even press the breaks.
There was something mesmerising in the way Hijikata fought, it was like he was begging for Gintoki’s attention to be on him. His swings were neat, his punches wild and his defences perfect. Against stronger enemies, Gintoki could understand why Hijikata got the nickname of being a demon. He was reckless, never caring about what happened to him and fought with so much fervour that you couldn’t help but feel a sense of respect for him.
The bag was retrieved and the two robbers were cuffed within a few minutes. Hijikata tried to use his radio to contact Sougo, only to be ignored.
“I’m gonna kill him.” He grumbled under his breath.
Gintoki had the sudden urge to laugh. He looked so tense, worry lines all over his forehead as he screamed into his radio–nothing like the cool man who took jumped off a moving vehicle and took down two men just a few minutes ago.
The familiar siren of the Shinsengumi car could be heard from a distance. Turns out that Sougo was actually following them–albeit pretty leisurely.
After screaming at his subordinate for a while, Hijikata guided the two robbers towards the backseat of the car and before he could get in, Sougo rode off, muttering something that suspiciously sounded like “Die Hijikata.”
The frown lines on his forehead deepened as Hijikata pulled out a cigarette from his pocket.
“Insolent brat.”
“You still love him.”
“Like hell I do.”
Gintoki grinned. “So.” He patted the backseat of his moped. “You need a ride to the barracks?”
Hijikata looked over at him in surprise. “You’d drop me off?”
“Sure, I don’t have anything to do right now anyways.”
He did have a lot to do– read JUMP and sleep in front of the fan. Things that were much better than roaming around in the streets in the sweltering heat, but when it came to Hijikata, most of his common sense jumped out the window. The thought of getting to spend more time with the cop made him more excited than anything else he could be doing and that sickened him a bit.
“Okay.”
Hijikata sat behind him, his palms once again holding onto Gintoki’s shoulders. And although they weren’t chasing anyone this time and he was driving at a normal pace, Hijikata held on to him tightly, his racing heartbeat felt clearly on Gintoki’s back.
Gintoki almost felt regretful as they reached the barracks. He would have liked the ride to go one for a little longer.
Hijikata wordlessly got off but didn’t make his way inside the building.
“Yorozuya?”
“Hmm?”
“Why did you offer to drop me off?”
Heh. Did Hijikata think he was an idiot? Was he asking for Gintoki to confess right now?Did he think Gintoki would give up so easily?
“I plan on charging you for it.” Gintoki grinned. “I’m behind on rent so I really need the extra cash.”
Hijikata huffed irritably as he took out his wallet. After he paid him, he wordlessly made his way to the barracks.
Gintoki watched his retreating figure in half amusement, half regret. He wished, not for the first time for this awkward game between them to end.
***
The worst thing about going to a sauna was that it reminded him of how old he has gotten. Sure, being in your early thirties (or is it late twenties? Gintoki isn’t too sure) isn’t considered to be that old, but his aching limbs and hurting back seemed to say otherwise.
In the comfortable heat of the sauna, he couldn’t help groaning like an old man as he felt his muscles loosen up.
At this point, he really shouldn’t have been surprised when 𝘩𝘦 walked in. It was a running gag, a joke played on him by the universe, never escaping him wherever he goes.
He hears Hijikata mumble something that sounded like “of course” before he sat next to Gintoki.
Gintoki takes the risk of sneaking a glance at him.
He looks good, of course he does, with his hair sticking to his forehead and sweat dripping down his neck.
“You’re not busy stealing taxes today?” He drawled, brain struggling to come up with original quips.
“Even I get to have holidays every now and then.” Came a tired response.
“You’re telling me you took a leave? On your own?”
“No. Kondo-san forced me to take one.” Hijikata clicked his tongue in annoyance. “Even though I told him that I was fine.”
Gintoki snorted. It was always the same with this guy– always pushing himself to the limit till someone else put a brake on him.
“You don’t look fine to me at all. Your muscles are so stiff, someone could mistake you for a corpse in rigor mortis.”
Hijikata scowled. “Why should you care anyways.”
“𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘭𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘺 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘸𝘩𝘺” is what Gintoki wanted to say. But that would be the same as admitting defeat, so instead he flung his arm over Hijikata’s shoulder.
“Of course I care! The Vice Commander gets extra pissy when he’s tired and I can’t let the people of Kabuki-cho suffer because of it.”
Hijikata rolled his eyes. “They’re already suffering because of all the bullshit you spout on the daily.”
Gintoki ignored him promptly, pulling him closer. “You know what, the yorozuya offers very good massage services at a very reasonable price!”
He had already started kneading the tense muscles on Hijikata’s shoulders. “You need a trained masseuse to relax your body.”
“You’re not a trained masseuse.”
“I’m still pretty good.” Gintoki deftly increased the pressure on his fingertips, massaging the knots on his shoulders in concise circular motions. He could feel Hijikata gradually relax under his touch.
“You should take breaks every now and then, you know?” Gintoki moved his hand from Hijikata’s shoulder blades and glided it over his back. He really was as stiff as a board- Gintoki pressed his thumbs with increased strength, rubbing over his back with his palms, really doing whatever he felt like in hopes that Hijikata feels good.
It did seem like the cop was enjoying it. His face was lax, eyes closed, none of his worry lines showing up on his forehead.
He was beautiful like this, all pliant under Gintoki’s touch. He wondered if the man was doing it on purpose, to allure him into confessing what he actually felt for him. Months and months of stolen glances and rapid heartbeats solved by a few words if he was brave enough. It was tempting, sure, but not enough. He wanted Hijikata to be the one to acknowledge whatever was going on between them so that he doesn’t backtrack on it later on.
“Hijikata-kun?”
Hijikata hummed lightly, not even bothering to open his eyes. Gintoki couldn’t help but think he was cute. Maybe in this restful state, Hijikata would be more prone to slip up. Maybe it would end with Gintoki’s victory. He worked his hands harder, feeling every twitch of muscle under his fingertips and yearning for impossibly more.
“Why did you look for me when I was gone?” He had asked this question many, many times. He knew that it wasn’t something Hijikata could answer without losing the game.
He could have deployed the Shinsengumi to look for him, he could have given up after a couple of months, but no, he went on and searched for him for two whole years,alone, traversing through the countryside with nothing but his katana and the clothes on his back. Gintoki’s heart ached everytime he thought about it.
Hijikata opened his eyes immediately, standing up and moving away from Gintoki.
“I think I need to go back to the barracks.” He said hurriedly. “I need to check the reports I made Yamazaki write.”
“You didn’t answer my question.”
“Goodbye Yorozuya. I’ll pay for the massage later.”
“Coward.”
“That’s rich coming from you.”
They glared at each other for a few seconds but there really was nothing Gintoki could say to refute his accusations. All he could do was once again watch Hijikata walk away from him. Did it have to be this difficult? Could he never soothe the dull pain in his heart threatening to reside there permanently? He couldn’t help but think that this farce was not going to last for long.
***
The city was prettier when he was drunk. The lights were all sparkly and blurry, the swaying road made him feel like he was dancing and the chirping of crickets felt like the greatest orchestrated cacophony.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
Of fucking course. Can’t Gin-san drink up his feelings and cope with the ache in his heart with unhealthy mechanism without running into this guy for 𝘰𝘯𝘦 day?
“Why of course, I’m walking to my house. What else can I do in the middle of the night?”
“You’re drunk.”
“What an astute observation, Hijikata-kun.”
Hijikata scowled and the fact that Gintoki found that weirdly hot was testament to his feelings.
“Can you even find your way home in that state?”
Gintoki wasn’t even that drunk. Maybe just a little more than tipsy. He was sure he could walk home easily, after all he has done that in worse states. But of course, he could resist taking advantage of Hijikata’s kindness every now and then.
“I think.” Gintoki shrugged his shoulders. “If not then I’ll just lie here somewhere on the road and go home in the morning.”
“You’re pathetic.” Hijikata huffed irritably. “I’ll drop you off.”
“Oh my, how chivalrous of you.”
“I’m just doing my duty, you idiot.”
Gintoki started walking again, feeling lighter than ever.
“I didn’t know that the Shinsengumi duties included dropping drunkards off at their homes.”
“Of course they do. Especially if the drunkards are permheaded public nuisances.”
Gintoki giggled, leaning slightly on Hijikata. He was supposed to act drunk anyways, wasn’t he?
“Acting like you don’t frequent that izakaya and drink all that expensive saké yourself.”
Hijikata doesn’t push him away. Doesn’t reprimand him. There aren’t any worry lines on his forehead and his expression looks like a mix between amusement and slight fondness.
Gintoki could almost fall for him again. He doesn’t hear whatever retort the man said, only concerning himself with the nearness between them. Hijikata smells of smoke, his body is as warm as a summer day and somehow the city is prettier than it was two seconds ago.
They reach the yorozuya apartment a little too quickly for his liking.
“You’re gonna come in?” He asks, a bit meekly.
“Why?”
“I’m drunk. You won’t leave me on the doorstep in this state would you? I’d trip on my feet and die on the genkan and they’d get your fingerprints on my body and you’d be the prime suspect for my murder.”
Hijikata stared at him warily and in that instant Gintoki knew that Hijikata knew that he was simply pretending to be drunk. Maybe he had known all along.
“Who the hell dies from tripping?” He walks into the apartment anyways.
As Gintoki fumbled with his boots, he can’t help be a little self conscious. Hijikata figured out his act, of course he did considering how he had been Gintoki’s drinking buddy for so long and yet— he doesn’t acknowledge it. He’s here quietly removing his shoes beside him and then going to the kitchen to get him a glass of water.
His couch where he spent most of his day in suddenly felt a bit uncomfortable.
The thing is, he knew that Hijikata liked him but everytime he’s reminded of it, he can’t help but be surprised. The fact that he might be here, in his house, getting him water, knowing that Gintoki wasn’t even that drunk only because he might have wanted to spend more time with him was unbelievable to him.
But here he was, the vice commander, standing in front of him, pushing a glass of water to his face. Gintoki could feel a buzz of electricity when their skin met as he took the glass from him. He watched Hijikata watch him as he drank.
“I’d better leave now.”
Gintoki grabbed his hand on instinct. He didn’t want this to be over so soon
“Wait.” He racked his brain to think for a reason for Hijikata to stay for a little while longer.
“My clothes smell of booze…won’t you help me to change it…?”
Hello, can he find a vending machine to hide his face in? What was he even talking about? Wasn’t this a bit too embarrassing for a Shounen Jump protagonist?
“I’m,uh too drunk to remove all this belts on my obi.”
A lie.
He had expected Hijikata to give him a disgusted look at leave without looking back . So the soft sigh and the nimble fingers on his belt made him start.
Gintoki could feel his heart palpitate, its thumping so loud it could be heard all across Edo.
“Do you have you wear your yukata in this complicated way?” He heard Hijikata grumble.
“Of course I do, it’s my signature as a protagonist.” He retorted, but his heart wasn’t in it.
All he could think about was Hijikata taking off his obi, him slowly removing his yukata, his fingers hovering over the zipper of his black undershirt.
On purpose. He had to be doing it on purpose. He knew Gintoki was lying but still chose to comply anyways.
His eyes met Hijikata’s and yes, that guy was totally doing it on purpose. How cunning of him. He wanted Gintoki to say something, to take advantage of their weirdly intimate setting.
He couldn’t help but stare at his lips- they were slightly chapped but so so mesmerising. He had lost track of how many times he had fantasised about this. Should he give in? Losing didn’t seem so bad right now, not when Hijikata’s hands were removing his undershirt, not when he was looking at Gintoki like this.
And yet- he had to try one more time,to gain the upper hand before he succumbs to his desires.
“You left our conversation mid-way last time.” His voice was low, almost a whisper. “Hijikata-kun, why did you go looking for me back then?”
It was like something shifted. Hijikata pulled back, looking a bit weary.
“I’m afraid you won’t be very happy with my answer.” Hijikata frowned, his eyes looking a bit downcast. “Anyways, I’m sure even you would be able to put on your night suit on your own. I’ll be leaving now.”
Before Gintoki could even process what was happening, the cop left with the only proof of his being there being Gintoki’s clothes on the ground and the fast paced beating of his heart.
It was somewhat lonely in the dark of his room. Once again, he was left alone to contemplate what had just happened. Gintoki tried to rationalise to himself that this was for the best- after all, even though Kagura was snoring away in the room, it was possible that she would have woken up and it would have been awkward explaining things to her. He wasn’t sure what Hijikata meant by what he said. Why couldn’t that guy ever be straight forward for once?
Even after he retired for the night and pulled out his futon to sleep, he could feel the ghost of Hijikata’s fingers on his body.
***
The day, like every other one lately, had started with Gintoki venturing out to play some early morning pachinko at 12pm in order to escape Shinpachi’s incessant nagging about “doing something useful.”
One thing about Gintoki was that he was very good at avoiding the things that troubled him– Shinpachi’s nagging, Otose asking him to pay rent, Kagura asking if they could buy a bigger rice cooker, Katsura asking him to join the Joi rebels, a cop with weird V bangs giving him vague signals.
It was easy for him to put it all behind him as he distracted himself by losing in pachinko. Why, he had not seen that mayo loving tax robber in two weeks after the drunk incident. He totally is not thinking about him and how he almost kissed him at all. Not at all.
Gin-san’s mind was as clear as the summer skies.
The day was frankly boring- he lost some money, he walked aimlessly on the streets carefully avoiding any Shinsengumi patrol route and he read JUMP and made dinner for him and Kagura. She talked about her day and how much fun she had playing around with the kids in the park, argued once again about wanting a rice cooker and promptly went to sleep. Gintoki couldn’t help but be a bit jealous–It seemed so easy to be a fourteen year old girl. He wished it was like that for him.
When he heard the soft knocks on his door, he couldn’t say that he was surprised. He was expecting it somehow.
Hijikata looked more tired than usual, the bags under his eyes more prominent, his skin paler than usual. He was also sporting a busted lip and a small wound on his forehead.
“Hey.”
“Unbelievable.” Gintoki rolled his eyes and let him in.
Over the past few years, it had become a common occurrence for Hijikata to come to him when he got injured. Initially it was when he had serious wounds–requiring immediate attention but not necessarily a hospital admission because he didn’t want to worry Kondo. Gintoki was reluctant to help at first, but Hijikata paid him well and well, he didn’t entirely hate patching him up. Gradually, there seemed to be a shift. Even when the injuries weren’t that serious, Hijikata would show up at his doorstep to borrow his first aid and help. Minor cuts, skin deep aberrations, wounds that Gintoki was sure Hijikata didn’t even care about. And yet, without fail he would be here,letting him dress up his wounds.
Of course, now he knows what exactly caused the change. There was a sparkle in Hijikata’s eyes that was unmistakable when Gintoki was near him. The kind of look that sent his heart racing.
Hijikata took off his shoes and made himself comfortable on his couch. The familiarity with which he sat there sent a sensation of electricity through his skin. He mentally cursed at himself for being so ridiculously weak and went to his room to bring his first aid kit.
The injuries weren’t serious at all, just a bit of cleaning and a bandage on his forehead was all it took to patch Hijikata up.
They sat in awkward silence while Gintoki took care of his wounds and after he was done, the silence somehow managed to be so weighty that it bogged both of them down.
After what felt like ages, Hijikata finally spoke up.
“You were avoiding me, weren’t you?”
Gintoki couldn’t believe that Hijikata even had to ask that question. Does he not know by now that Gintoki was a master at deflecting important things and believed in letting things fester in his heart like an old wound rather than talking it out?
“I have no obligation to answer you.” Gintoki huffed in annoyed. “After all, don’t you ignore my questions all the time?”
“You’re mad at me.” It wasn’t a question.
“How in the world did you figure that out?” His tone was dripping with mockery, turns out that Gintoki was more affected than he had thought he was.
Hijikata sighed in defeat.
“Fine. Ask me again.”
“What?”
“Ask whatever you want you ask. I’ll answer you.”
Was this finally it? Hijikata was throwing the towel after months of turmoil? It didn’t look like he was lying. His eyes were clear with determination.
Gintoki scooted a bit closer instinctively, feeling rather nervous suddenly.
“Why did you go looking for me?”
“Because you looked like you wanted to be found.”
Out of all the answers Gintoki had made up in his mind, this one had never struck him.
He had always assumed that Hijikata probably liked him back then which is why he took such a drastic decision, he had thought that Hijikata might have done it for his peace of mind, to know that Gintoki was alive and well, he thought Hijikata might have done it to repay some stupid debt that he made up in his mind.
It never occurred to him that Hijikata might have up and left his life in Edo with the Shinsengumi to go wander around with no direction for 𝘩𝘪𝘮.
Hijikata was currently rambling, his face a deep shade of red.
“Look, I know that makes no sense because we didn’t even talk before you left and you might be disappointed in such a vague answer but, to me it felt like the man who looked so full of life when he was surrounded by people would hate to be alone.” He took a deep breath. “The kids were heartbroken, you know? And I knew that you’d probably be ten times worse than them.”
“Hijikata Toshirou.”
“I told you that you won’t be happy with the answer, I knew what you were looking for from me but-“
“I like you. Go out with me.”
“-I had to–” Hijikata paused as he processed what he just heard. His expression looked akin to a deer caught in the headlights. “What?”
From the beginning Gintoki had no chance of winning. The trump card that he thought he had was in Hijikata’s hand all along. How stupid of him to think even for a second that he could surpass Hijikata in a battle of wits. That man was shrewd, cunning and selfless to a fault. Wasn’t that why Gintoki fell for him in the first place?
“I’m saying that I like you. Romantically. I want to go out with you.”
If Hijikata was red before while he was explaining his reasoning, it was nothing compared to how red he was now. His face was flushed and currently turned away in embarrassment.
“You already know my answer.”
“No, I want to hear you say it.”
“Pushy.”
Gintoki said nothing, waiting to finally hear what he had wanted to hear for so, so long.
“I…like you too.”
It was adorable how even after everything, it took Hijikata so much to finally admit his feelings.
“Good.”
That was all Gintoki could say before he dived in to kiss Hijikata.
He had imagined this moment way too times and somehow none of them held a candle to how the real thing felt. Hijikata let out a small gasp of surprise before kissing him back, his hands getting all tangled up in his curly hair.
His lips tasted of blood and Gintoki wasn’t sure if he liked that coppery taste but at that moment he didn’t care. After months and months of being so wary around Hijikata, he was glad to finally act on his feelings.
The way Hijikata kissed him almost made him feel drunk. He could feel all the pent up yearning and frustration from the man- there was anger, relief and happiness radiating from him. Of course, Gintoki was no different–Hijikata’s mouth was addictive, his body was warm and the sounds he made were intoxicating.
When they broke apart, Gintoki couldn’t stop staring at him. His lip had started bleeding again, his eyes had a dazed expression and his cheeks were tinged pink. He was beautiful, the most beautiful person he had ever seen in his life and he could never get enough. He’d gladly lose every game in the world if this was how he was going to be rewarded.
As Hijikata pulled him close for another kiss, he realised that he hadn’t really lost. If anything, this was the kind of victory he had wanted from the start.