Archive of Our Own

It happened one night that Till didn’t expect. Things were good, things were normal for fucks sake. He’d hangout with Ivan that morning and then spent the rest of the day holed up in his room at the hot springs. He could feel his phone buzzing non stop. Ivan was trying to reach him.

stupid ivan: Till? Are you okay?

stupid ivan: I don’t know what I did, but I’m sorry.

stupid ivan: Till?

stupid ivan: please

stupid ivan: i’m sorry

stupid ivan: i ca

stupid ivan: i’m sorry

stupid ivan: don’t push me away

stupid ivan: i’msorry

He was fed up with it. Till turned his phone off, slamming it into the bed in front of him. He curled in on himself and clenched his hands in his hair. Stupid! Stupidstupidstupid! What hte fuck was wrong with him?

They were doing fine. Ivan treated him well, god he treated him SO well. There was nothing he’d done wrong. It wasn’t anything on Ivan. It was Till. He was the fucked up one. He was the one who couldn’t deal with his own feelings. He thought he’d gotten over this stupid part of himself. Why was he so pathetic?

Gasping back a sob, Till stumbled off of his bed, shakily walking over to his desk. With shaky hands he began to write music. His handwriting was shaky and it was barely legible, but he needed to get his thoughts out.

When in doubt, write it out as Mizi would always say. She always told him that if he needed to get feelings out but didn’t know how, he should write. Music was always his savior. He began to write like a mad man, the words his pencil were scribbling were things he couldn’t help but feel.

Simultaneously he found a melody in his head, writing out the tune while humming the song he wanted to sing. He wanted to get his feelings out and someway, somehow, it was turning into this song.

The tears that were brimming in his eyes began to fall, leaving light tear drops on the paper. He went through multiple drafts. The ground was littered in songs and notes and tear stained words.

Till spent the next few hours holded up in his feelings, in the words that were stumbling from his mouth. It was a different tone from the other songs he’d sung before. But he did it. He’d written his stupid feelings out. He found the melody and the words he wanted to say. But how could he get this across?

A light bulb flashed in his mind. The ice. He could express his feelings to Ivan on the ice. Immediately his mind started working through the choreography. He spent the rest of the night working out a routine. His body ached as he danced the rhythm in his room. He recorded the song shakily. It wasn’t a great recording, but he needed something to work with. 

The next morning arrived in the blink of an eye. Till’s eyes were red and puffy, as he hadn’t slept and had cried most of the night. His phone was pitch black on his bed where he slammed it the night before. He didn’t even want to think about the messages that were waiting for him. Ivan most certainly reached out to Mizi & Sua, but he didn’t hear from either of them, so he was afraid. God he really hoped he didn’t fuck this up with Ivan.

Till loved him. He loved Ivan so much. They weren’t perfect, god no, but they worked. They were happy. They argued, they fought, but things would always smooth out. Ivan truly cared about him and his feelings. The two learned how to love again and fell in love all over again. 

Till found himself taking a quick shower in the morning, soaking briefly in the hot spring for his tired body. He grabbed his skates and threw the door open, not even acknowledging Mizi’s family before he darted. 

Thank god he was so close. He hoped he’d find Ivan at the rink. Lord knows the guy doesn’t sort out his feelings like a normal person (like him.) He was probably doing the same thing Till did all night. He hated the gut wrenching feeling that he got thinking about Ivan’s red rimmed eyes skating all alone in the rink all night. Probably hoping that Till would show up. FUCK.

Till found himself quietly stepping into the building, carefully getting changes in the locker room. He didn’t hear anything from the rink yet but he could almost feel the tension from the ice. He quickly changed into his practice outfit, walking out of the locker room as quietly as he could.

Suddenly he regretted everything as soon as he saw Ivan. He was sitting in the middle of the ice rink with his head between his legs. Who knew how long he’d been sitting there. He wasn’t moving. Feeling panic, Till forgot his original plan of staying quiet and found himself stumbling out onto the ice, gliding quickly to Ivan.

He fell to his knees, wrapping his arms around Ivan, feeling just how cold he was. He had to have been in here for a long time at this point. Feeling warmth encircle him, Ivan’s body shuddered before his blank gaze found Till’s.

 The moment their eyes met, Till could feel the life coming back to Ivan’s body. Without a second to spare, Ivan grabbed Till and held him tightly to his chest. He was shivering. It wasn’t from the cold. Till regretted everything. He knew he was a lot to handle and Ivan handled him amazingly. He just.. He needed to sort his feelings.

Till wrapped Ivan up in his arms, burying his face in his cool neck. Hot tears made contact with Ivan’s cool skin. Ivan didn’t say a word, he just held Till tighter. Till tried multiple times to say something, anything, but they just wouldn’t come out.

He began to pull away, but made sure he was still holding onto Ivan in some way. Till motioned towards the stands. He wanted to get Ivan off the ice, wrapped in a blanket. He knew the guy spent most of his time in the cold, but this couldn’t be healthy.

Without a word, the two walked off the ice together, always touching each other in some way. Till grabbed his jacket and a bunch of blankets from the locker room and bundled Ivan up in them. Ivan still hadn’t said a word, but held Till’s hand in a vice grip.

They sat in silence for an underminable amount of time. Till began to write words onto Ivan’s hand. He started simple. He’d apologize first.

‘I am sorry.’

‘Ivan’

‘I love you’

Ivan just stared at him. His eyes were dark, the speck of red hidden in the void of his emotions. He had dark circles under his eyes and he was pale, oh so pale. Till kept writing ‘I love you’ in his palm over and over and over again.

Till leaned towards Ivan, giving him a gentle kiss on the cheek. He finally found it in him to whisper the words “I’m sorry.” To Ivan. Hearing his rough voice caused Ivan to shiver. He knew that Till was also going through something, just as he was reacting to Till.

Still, despite understanding, Ivan hadn’t said a single word. Till gripped his hand and motioned to the ice. “I… wrote something. Can I… perform it for you?” His voice was low, but he wouldn’t let go of Ivan’s hand unless he had explicit permission.

He could see Ivan’s anxieties forming in his eyes and on his lips. He quickly leaned forward, slotting their lips together. It was something they did often these days, but this particular kiss was charged. Ivan immediately pushed back, his breaths rough as he held Till’s hand in a vice grip.

After a few moments of passionately kissing, Ivan shakily let go of Till’s hand, drawing it into the warmth of the blanket he was bundled in. He just nodded towards Till, allowing him to go. His gaze didn’t waver once as he watched Till enter the rink.

Till plugged his music in, making sure it was set up to start with a delay. He skated to the middle of the rink, waiting for the opening notes to start.

The rough draft of the music began and Till found himself naturally moving to the music. HIs body flowed naturally as his arms gestured, following the beats of the music with his lyrics.

I feel so pathetic

Whenever I stand in front of you

Scenario: CRUSH

I can’t say a word, I turn back around every day

My stimulating love explodes

Open up your ears, please understand me

As the music crescendos and picks up, he pushes his body to the song, truly feelings his emotions as he skates across the rink

Do you luv me?

I do

Don't you leave me

I'll probably get it across to you for sure

Close the distance between us

To be inside your heart…

As he goes into his second chorus, he prepares a jump as the words “Don’t you hate me” string out of the music. He finds himself losing himself to the music. His mind filtering through all they went through during the last few years. Ivan was his. He was Ivans. Nothing would change that.

Till’s eyes welled up with tears as he felt the lyrics he’d written mere hours ago. The words “I get scared again like an idiot. Widen the distance between us.” give him a full body shudder. It’s not Ivan’s fault. Till is the one pushing him away.

As he finished out his performance with a cry, he was breathing heavily, collapsing on his knees, feeling the sobs wrack his body. He wanted to see Ivan. He needed to see him. With desperation, he found himself running off the ice, only to see Ivan waiting for him at the entrance to the rink.

Without missing a beat, Till jumped into his arms, causing the two to fall back into the seating. He buried his face in Ivan’s neck, this time with sobs wracking his body. He kept whispering “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Into Ivan’s neck as he held him tightly.

Ivan’s hands were moving soothingly across his back, and Till could feel Ivan’s emotions as well. Till composed himself enough to press a wet kiss to Ivan’s lips. “I’m sorry. I love you so much. I won’t do that again. I promise. I’m yours and..” Till’s voice cut off with a sob, but Ivan finished his words.

“...and I’m yours. Forever.” Ivan whispered, kissing him once again.

FIN