Chapter Text
Senior year, second semester. The clouds parted, the sun came out, and John felt life get just a little more hopeful each day he was closer to graduation- each day he was closer to finally starting to walk the path he'd chosen for himself.
He'd already picked his university and everything, which meant the only thing left for him to do was coast his way through to the commencement ceremony, hold that diploma while his Dad cried, and pose for a few hours with his siblings while hundreds of cliche photographs of them were taken. Later, they'd be sent to every single co-worker and shown to every single person who talked to his Dad for more than two minutes, and it'd probably be only a little bit embarrassing.
As for Prom, well. He had three very single siblings, and they had always been a cohesive unit, so he saw absolutely no reason to drop that tradition just because it was the big stupid romantic prom. It was still just a dance! Besides, he'd already made plans to get corsages and rent a limo as a group, and take all of his siblings on a platonic-familial prom date to remember. They'd have dinner together all dressed up, and take a billion selfies to send to everybody, and then they'd have fun dancing all night!
Apparently his siblings weren't nearly as in-tune with his thoughts as he'd previously predicted. Or, at least, they weren't anymore. Within the course of the month, John watched with horror as all three of his siblings, almost uncannily, all got dates to prom.
Jake had been first. It made sense, to be fair. As much as he was energetic and quirky and talked like a pretentious dickwad sometimes, John wasn't stupid- the guy was handsome. He had that rugged wilderness hippie charm to him, with none of the unkempt beard and man-bun style that turned people off. John hadn't been there to see the actual promposal, but somewhere along the line his charming brother had landed himself a date with the head of the robotics club, the aloof and untouchable Dirk Strider.
He sort of stopped being so aloof once John heard him making pony puns at his brother.
He definitely stopped being untouchable when he walked in on the two of them locked in a heavy makeout session on Jake's bedroom floor.
But that was alright! John knew Jake was the type of guy who was kindhearted enough to balance two dates, and John would just get to spend more time with his lovely sisters- Jake's loss.
Then Jane met Dirk's sister, and John's forced happiness turned into worry gnawing at his stomach. Two in one week? He was half convinced they were some sort of family of sex demons, hellbent on ruining John's prom plans with their pretty faces and flirting and stealing away his family, one by one. After all, if he could admit his brother had a rugged charm, he could definitely admit that Roxy Lalonde was smoking. Jane must have had the same idea, presenting her with a cake that said, 'Be my player two?' less than a week after they'd started hanging out.
So they were cute together, big fucking whoop! John had traditions, and plans, and they were all falling apart at his feet like a Jenga tower! Pull out one too many siblings, and the entire thing toppled over. His only reprieve was that Jade hadn't found a date yet. What were the chances that three out of four would snag a partner?
He could only groan to himself when Jane and Roxy introduced her to Rose Lalonde and her pretty books and pretty words, and then Jade had come home with black lipstick smudged on her neck and John knew that it was all hopeless. Luck was not on his side.
It's not even that getting a date was impossible, either. He'd just specifically chosen not to, partially because nobody had really captured his feelings, but mostly because he'd wanted to spend time with his family during grad, not with some pretty date he might never speak to again when he left the state for university. Apparently, it was just too damn much to ask his siblings to give him that much, all off vacationing on romance island while John sat all by his damn self.
During the course of the week, he'd gone from excited, to hopeful, to pitiful, and now he was just angry. He didn't need them! He had plenty of other friends, like Brendan from English, and Brandon from Home Ec, (or was it Brandon in English and Brendan in Home Ec?) and Chris from Biology and everyone who hung out with them, he really did have an extended friend circle! If his siblings were all going to be assholes and ignore him to make goo-goo eyes at each other in the hallways, then John was just going to have to see other people.
He knew that Jane didn't really like the guys he sometimes hung out with either, so he hoped it'd make her feel pretty bad about pushing him into the arms of people she liked to call “classless hooligans hellbent on destroying civilization as they know it,” which was total bullshit, because he knew that her grad prank was miles more elaborate than their plan for silly string and eggs.
That's how he found himself sitting at a table with a bunch of those friends of his, gesticulating wildly in Chris' direction, his hands going absolutely everywhere. Someone tossed a pea at his face, but he was unfazed, talking right through it, “yeah, I mean, I get why they would want to take their dates? That makes sense, sure, you go with a date and take fancy photos and everything, but they've all been dating for barely a week and I've been their brother for almost eighteen years and I don't know why they'd just abandon me like that!” he groaned, sinking his face into his hands. Someone put another pea in his hair, and he knew he wouldn't find it until his shower that night, but he was too frustrated to actually care.
Brandon (Brendan?) punched him in the arm, and he rolled to look at him with a groan, only half interested in whatever bullshit plan he could come up with, “they all hooked up with the Strilonde family, didn't they?” John nodded halfheartedly, not really sure where he could be going with this. “Just hook up with the fourth one?”
Immediately, Chris chimes in, cruel amusement in his tone, “you mean that little freak that's always feeding the crows his lunch?” a few people laugh at that, and John's mood is so damn sour he perks up at it, sitting up straight. He knew there were four siblings, it was uncanny enough it'd been mentioned when his own family was brought up, but he'd never actually thought about who the fourth one was. Racking his brain for a name, Chris continued, “his name's Dave, isn't it? Man, who the fuck named those kids, Dave and Dirk?” Weakly, he laughed again. His Dad hadn't been much more creative when four kids popped into his arms within the span of a year.
“God, and don't even get me started on how he looks. Have you seen him? He's like a fucking ghost. An ugly, weird ghost too, he's not even scary,” John snorted, rolling his eyes. That was true enough, a ghost that just looked like a dumb teenager was pretty lame.
Another friend joins in with their own anecdote, gesturing for John to listen, “I bet if he was haunting my place I could exorcise him by telling him his selfies are ugly. God, he takes so many, what a tool.”
“Shit, seriously?” Chris responds, and then shakes his head, smiling, “what a fucking loser.”
John raised an eyebrow, looking towards his friends, “why would I want to date this Dave guy just because my family is dating his family? Especially if he's that bad, jeez. It's like you guys want to watch me suffer,” casting aside the fact that they really weren't making this Dave guy seem very enticing, the entire plan was kind of ridiculous and didn't solve any of John's problems. At least, not from what he was seeing.
“Just get him to go with you to prom, I dunno, make it some quadruple date thing. Then dump him the day after,” that would give him a chance to be with his siblings, that much was true. Maybe he could even get them away from their dates for a while. But it was definitely also something that if his siblings found out about, he'd be dead, even it was the Strilonde family's own fault, stealing his siblings away from right under his nose.
“This seems like a bad idea... You know, like, morally wrong...” he frowned, rubbing the back of his neck. It made the back of his head itch with guilt, knowing that despite his hesitation, there was some part of him that desperately wanted to do it- even if it was just to get even with the family that had hurt him with their selfish romance business.
It must have been pretty obvious he wasn't convinced of his own moral standing, because a hand clapped him on the back, and John jumped, turning to glare at not-maybe-Brandon from English, “you practically said it yourself man, they wronged you.”
“Haha, I guess..?” John shrugged, his defence against his own words weak, “but if, you know, three of my siblings are dating them, can they really be that bad?”
He felt the hand on his back shake his shoulder, and Brandon from English leaned in closer, “it's cause they're hot. Besides, they're all real stuck up pricks,” well, John had to admit they were pretty intimidating, aside from the whole kissing his family thing, it wasn't a stretch to agree they were stuck up assholes.
“Except Dave, that guy's fucked up ugly,” Chris laughs like that's the funniest thing he's said all lunch, but John just gave him a look before he went back to his contemplation.
Eventually, he looked up, glancing at probably-Brandon, “it'd be easy, wouldn't it? If he's really that lonely all the time.”
Another round of laughter shakes the table, Brendan waving a fork in John's direction, “like hell it'll be easy, the guy's as flighty as a bird. Seen him hanging out with twenty different people, never for more than a week. Either the guy's even more intolerable than we thought, or he's got the attention span of a mosquito and he's gotta go find some other poor asshole to suck dry.”
“So he probably wouldn't even like me after prom then, right?” John perks up, figuring that it's not morally reprehensible to get dumped, instead of doing the dumping. He could even play up the broken heart, start some fission between his family and Dave's. Two birds one stone.
“Yeah, but you'd have to get him to last that long first.”
Brandon-not-Brendan chimes back in, a smug look on his face, “man, if you can get that weirdo into you by prom I'd give you twenty bucks,” fuck. That's pretty tempting too.
Chris chimes in too, waving his wallet like a flag, “I'll give you fifty! That dude glares daggers at me every fucking day in Spanish, this is like, my revenge and shit.”
John glanced around the table at his friends, and he couldn't help feeling pretty confident on his own end. He was a popular, attractive, high-achieving guy. Who wouldn't be lucky to get asked out to prom by him? Some guy like Dave Strider should have been bowing at his feet for the chance! And then he could have his prom with his family, and Dave Strider could fuck right back off to whatever rock he crawled out from while John went to university, satisfied with the memories he'd gained. His chest puffed out in pride, and he stuck out his hand, gesturing to everyone, “anybody else want in on this? Think I can get that Strider kid head over heels before Prom?”
By the time the bell rang, John had two hundred dollars of his college fund and all of his pride on the line, and he wrote himself a note to go pick up a notebook from the dollar store on the way home- he suddenly had a lot of planning to do. He needed research, and he needed a hard hit, one good enough to knock Dave off his feet and keep him emotionally K.O'd long enough for prom to come and go. Surely, there was no way for this to go wrong.