Chapter Text
Headphones on and subsequent noise cancelled, Matt pressed play on his phone. With the music starting, Matt relaxed into the uninterrupted sounds of the acoustic guitar playing in his ears. The basic beige hotel lamp cast a dim yellow-tinged light on the room. Matt was set up in the bed, leaned up against the headboard with his arms crossed against his chest and waiting for his brothers to return. Nick and Chris had ventured somewhere in the Philadelphia hotel Matt had forgotten the name of, in a hopeful search for snacks. Nick had it in his mind there would be a canteen open on the main level and Chris was happy to follow along for the adventure. Matt, on the other hand, was more than content staying put in their shared hotel room and basking in his rarely acquired alone time.
Here he was, heavy eyes starting to close with exhaustion, while he laid peacefully up against the headboard of his own bed - as opposed to a tour bus bunk. He was grateful for the hotel night after sleeping for several consecutive nights on the jammed tour bus. Tonight they would remain in Philadelphia. The show hours before had been ecstatic and Matt had loved the energy of the crowd. He reminisced on the show, thinking about how excitable the crowd was to see Chris show up on the screen for his surprise. The memory of their cheers rang loud in his mind, the fans in Philadelphia were absolutely ones to be remembered.
Matt's grin of gratitude soon faded when he thought deeper into his brother's surprise. He balled up a little of the hotel comforter fabric in his fists, grimacing thinking of their time apart. Chris had taken a week away from Nick and him to film the video for this specific show. Knowing now, Chris was only at their parent's house in Boston for that week was a bittersweet relief for the middle triplet. He'd spent the entirety of that seven days in a perpetual state of anxiety induced paranoia, primarily represented in the form of panic. Although joyous on camera, Matt couldn't help but wonder if Chris had felt at all the same way as him during that time.
Did he also experience profound, unwavering sadness?
Did he also have an unsettled energy buried deep in his bones during their time apart?
Did he also feel unexplainably lost for the entire week?
Matt pondered. Chris certainly looked to be having a great time in the footage of the surprise, although Matt knew from experience the camera didn't always tell the full story.
Even when Chris had returned from that week away months prior, Matt never had a chance to fully talk through his emotions of their time apart with Chris. Maybe it was the 1000 balloons in the way of an opportunity for true conversation or maybe the busyness of their schedules as the days passed - or maybe, Matt brainstormed, it was the hesitancy to admit the true severity of his separation anxiety. Matt had subsequently left his processing until this exact moment - alone, in a hotel, in Philadelphia. He tilted his head back, and lost himself in the memories. His mind wondered to that very week, starting at the day Chris left for his flight.
+
MATT'S POV
Chris had opted for an Uber when he left for his flight. He told me it would be the best option to keep his surprise and secret location intact. I thought he was being dramatic as hell. I wanted to drive him to the airport - unsure of why it was such a big deal to him. For me, I wanted the trip to serve as a last chance to spend time with my brother - even if it was just for the thirty minute drive to LAX. It was thirty minutes more to have with him. I promised Chris that Nick and I weren't interested in looking up his flight information or knowing anything about where he was going. I just wanted one last drive with him, I didn't understand why he was so annoyingly eager to keep the integrity of the Surprise Party Tour as if Nick and I weren't on the same page with it.
In the midst of one of our many conversations about it, Chris had also mentioned the detail of the early morning departure. He said he didn't want me to fuss over waking up earlier than necessary for the drive. In Chris's words, he didn't want me to 'wake up at the ass-crack of dawn'. Reluctantly, after a few days, I allowed Chris the win and dropped the matter - even if it did pain me to do so.
The night before he left, we decided to watch the Celtics game in Nick's room. Nick wasn't as enthusiastic about the content of the game, but he had a mutual desire to spend time with Chris before he would be gone for the week. Naturally, Chris wanted to cuddle up close, he volunteered me as his pillow. He laid partially across my torso, lost somewhere in-between me and the unnecessary amount of blankets bundled in Nick's bed. I was running my hand through his soft, messy curls. Savouring our time together and extra grateful for Chris's calm state. He was almost silent - it was nice. I figured he was soaking in the warmth of our time together just as much as Nick and I were.
The goodbyes happened when the game ended, I left for my room and Chris stayed in Nick's bed. He'd fallen asleep on me at some point during the game so I opted to gently shuffle him off of my chest and onto his designated side of Nick's bed. He'd caught my arm in the process of me moving off the bed. His strong grip surprised me considering he'd been asleep.
"Wait," he asked.
Teary eyed and with substantial emotion, Chris gave me a borderline organ crushing hug. I truly couldn't remember a time we'd hugged for longer, he tucked his head into my shoulder. It felt like ages before Chris had released me. I didn't dare let go before him, I remember starting to think we'd end up sleeping like that in Nick's bed for the night.
+
5:45AM
The morning of Chris's flight, Matt was still awake - he didn't sleep. Restless with anticipatory anxiety, his body had been fighting the urge to fall asleep. His mind - the barrier. He heard the moment Chris quietly snuck down the stairs - even catching the small bang halfway down, which Matt assumed to be the youngest tripping on his suitcase. Reluctantly, Matt allowed Chris to leave for his flight in peace. Choosing not to bother him - as Chris had wished.
At the sound of the front door closing, Matt felt an unexpected - yet not surprising, wave of anxiety flood his body. A tightening of his chest grew more prominent as his mind was plagued with regret and fear. This was it. Chris was gone. He had thought to himself. The thought of Chris gone for an entire week felt impossible to cope with in the moment. Matt struggled to picture Chris flying alone, he couldn't bear to picture how anxious his brother would be finding his gate and boarding the plane by himself - no matter how confident Chris had said he was. Chris commonly looked to Nick to guide him when traveling. More times than not, looking to Matt for pre-boarding pep talks for confirmation they were going to be safe and okay. Matt thought of the times Chris timidly reached for his hand on flights when he was nervous of turbulence. Matt's heart strings were pulling hurtfully at the question of whose hand would he hold now?
Matt fought with himself for not pressuring Chris more to let him drive him to the airport. He could've gauged the younger's feelings more, had more of an idea of how Chris was really doing with the idea of traveling alone, with being apart for a week. Laying in his bed, riddled with anxiety over Chris leaving, Matt felt guilt creep up - creating a drop feeling in his stomach. A deep ache nestled between his ribs while he laid there. What if Chris was scared?
8:30AM
Sunlight rudely shined bright into Matt's eyes. He huffed out an annoyed breath at the commonly loved weather. To him, a hot sunny day was not ideal. He liked the gloom; rainy Sundays, and thunderstorms at midnight. The sun was not welcomed, especially not on this day. He had sensed the familiar feeling of irritability washing over him. Listening to Chris leave in the earlier hours of the morning and his following inner monologue was upsetting to say the least. Close to 6AM, he had rolled back over in his bed knowing he'd wake up exactly like this - annoyed, confused and with a painfully prominent emptiness in response to the youngest's absence.
Currently, two options presented themselves for the day. Matt could get up - push through and make breakfast. Or, he could wallow in his pity for a while. He had chosen the latter.
1:00PM
Squinting his eyes, Matt noticed how sore and heavy they felt. He knew by the feeling he'd most likely slept until the mid afternoon. There was a lingering sorrow in his body and in the air, like the energy of the room knew of his hurt. The atmosphere was stale and quiet. With torpid movement, he patted the area around his body to find his phone.
Holding up the object, he peeked his face out of his comforter to catch a glimpse of the screen. The lock screen was disappointing - no notable notifications.
One name held space on his lock screen, Nick. The older one had sent him three messages. Matt couldn't see the preview of the text and he didn't have enough passion to unlock his phone to check. Matt was confident to leave it at that, knowing if the older needed him urgently he would simply barge into his room as he'd done several times before.
Matt rolled over again with a groan.
5:00PM
"Matt!" Nick knocked loudly on the other side of Matt's bedroom door.
Matt whined out, half asleep and half ready to commit a brother-on-brother homicide. Forever one to make an entrance, Nick whipped open the door and walked inside.
"Matt! Hello?" he questioned, "it's 5 o'clock! Like 5 PM!" he exaggerated.
Matt let out a displeased grunt.
"PM! Like night time. Like it's evening! Are you getting up?" Nick continued on.
"Please Nick. Please shut up, you're being so fuc-" Matt voiced his annoyance, galled at his brother's attics.
"I thought maybe we could order something, watch something?" Nick's tone softened. Matt felt guilty for how frustrated he sounded knowing Nick was mostly attempting to be sweet.
Yeah, 'order something,' without Chris.
For sure, 'watch something,' without Chris.
The younger's absence was all he could hear when Nick spoke about his plans. Just the two of them, Nick and him wasn't uncommon - it was encouraged a lot of the time. But today, with Chris going to be gone for the entire week Matt's stomach turned at the idea of any activity being just him and Nick. He'd been sleeping all day and he was already feeling the deafening lack of laughter in the house, the aura of the entire home felt empty - he felt empty. Wallowing in his self pity, in bed, felt like the natural option.
"Matt?" Nick spoke from in front of his face.
When did he get so close to him?
"Matt, I know you miss him," it was maddening how expertly Nick read his emotions, it was exposing and validating all in one.
"Mmmhm," Matt cleared his throat to sound more put together, he wasn't sure who the performance was for - Nick knew him too well.
"I miss him too, but he'll be back soon okay, we can't just lay in bed for an entire week and sleep the days away," as Nick spoke Matt was propelled into deep memories of passed times away from his brothers.
Self realization hit hard in the moment, this was a movie he'd seen before - and Nick had too. Last time they had separated Matt had hurt in a way too intense for the cameras. While filming their week apart video - Matt was in LA. His body was sick with a fever but his mind was ill in a way much worse. He'd fallen into a spiral, unable to eat, unable to sleep all because Chris and Nick weren't around him.
He huffed at the memory and subsequent predictable behaviour he had fallen into again.
"It's okay to be sad - to be upset about him gone," Nick read him like a book and Matt wasn't entirely sure if he was grateful for it or not.
"It won't be like last time I promise, I j-just, I just need today to collect myself, we can order food, later though okay?" Matt hoped to settle the concern in his older brother.
"Okay, you sure you're okay?"
"Yeah, yeah, I'm good, really,"
+
7:00PM
Sitting in bed, Matt had his phone in his hand. Blankly staring at his home screen, his world was quiet. No new notifications flashed, only an old one from Nick asking when they would order the promised food and some message about his childhood room from his mom. Matt didn't have the energy or interest to answer either party, he worried again about Chris. The youngest hadn't messaged him the entire day, the radio silence only thickening the ache deep in his chest.
Hurt, Matt rolled over in his bed once again. He found himself on the left side of his bed this time. A spot usually unused by himself. The side was still neat compared to his dishevelled right side. He pressed his face into the pillow. The silk pillowcase was cool and next to perfect without wrinkles before Matt utilized it in his moment to hide away from the world. He had shuffled onto his stomach, curling his arms until the pillow and getting comfortable.
The left side he'd moved to was mainly used by Chris. The youngest was the only one who had ever occupied it, Matt was usually one to stick to his designated side. It was hard to miss the scent on the pillow, used by Chris no more than five days ago.
Matt thought back to the evening when Chris had asked to crawl into the space beside him. Stuffed monkey in hand Chris had knocked shyly at the door and Matt had at first spoken with a rude tone - a direct result of his sleep being disrupted.
"What?" Matt remembered himself saying in an annoyed tone.
Once he looked in the direction of his door and saw Chris's frame, Matt had dropped any semblance of his attitude. Chris had looked wrecked, like he had been fighting with himself. Matt immediately knew the reference.
"Nightmare or sleep paralysis buddy?" Matt had asked him.
"Dunno which," Chris always held sadness in the most heart-wrenching manner. Matt despised seeing him sad or scared. He'd do anything in his power to seize the emotion in his brother, starting with letting him sleep in his bed.
Chris climbed in shortly after the introduction, patient in his respectable wait for Matt's approval. Matt held his arms out with expectancy and Chris rightfully cuddled in close. Matt had held him the entire night, protecting him from the horrors of his own mind.
Now, Matt pushed the pillow away, hurt by the memory as it only added more of the anxious feeling into his chest. Now, he was thinking of Chris's history with nightmares. What if he had a nightmare while away? Would he call him or Nick? How would they help him?
He hated the thought of Chris being alone - wherever he was - and the possibility of him experiencing a sleep paralysis event or nightmare. It was eating him alive - the guilt of not being available to help if he needed it and Matt knew he inevitably would need them. There wasn't a time in the last several years where Chris had more than a five day stretch of peaceful sleep. There was always one - or multiple instances in a week where he'd seek out Matt or Nick to remedy his sleep episodes.
The guilt was eating at his soul, as was the unknowing. Not knowing where Chris was, if he was safe or happy - Matt couldn't take it. The middle triplet went back and forth with himself, thinking about how he could introduce the topic through text. He could text Chris again, he could ask him if he'd been feeling okay, he could casually ask about how his day had been. Although, judging by the previous three texts; more would also go unanswered. Maybe Chris was too busy or maybe he was like Matt - held up in bed unable to cope with being away from him. Doubtful, Matt reckoned, Chris was probably creating new experiences and Matt was creating unnecessary drama.
+
Days passed and Matt continued to fall inward on himself in response to Chris being gone. Hiding himself away from the world in his room. The insistent despair was drowning him, his concern for Chris was all encompassing, sending him into the deepest slump he'd had in a while.
"Matt? Hello?" Nick peeked his head into the middle triplet's room, tucking his head innocently against the door.
"Go away please Nick, I'm fine,"
"Oh please," Nick sassed, "clearly not, I just want to talk to you, we didn't do dinner the other night like we planned, or last night or breakfast this morning or lunch, or-,"
"I don't want to talk, I just want to be alone," Matt said words he had used a million times before in his life. In times where he couldn't access real emotion, where he felt dulled with sadness. Times when he couldn't bring himself to elaborate on his state of mind, and he didn't want to be around anyone who would ask him to try.
There wasn't much to say - he felt numb.
"Matt," Nick sounded like his mother, "you've been in here for days Matty,"
The routine of Nick checking in on him had stood the test of time, repeating itself painstakingly over and over again each day until Nick had clearly had enough. They had been playing this game for days, three to be exact and Nick was over it. He'd watched Matt become bed ridden and he'd seemingly lost the ability to care for himself in obvious ways. Matt knew Nick was analyzing him. He knew Nick had noted his eating patterns, absolutely positive Nick had calculated he hadn't eaten a full meal in the days since Chris had been gone, this being the third. Matt was absolutely sure Nick was aware he also hadn't showered in that time, nor brushed his teeth.
His spiral wasn't without attempts by Nick to intervene. The oldest had tried to motivate his younger triplet to eat, offering to order food for him. He'd offered to go on walks, to watch movies, to even hang out in his room with him. All of Nick's interventions had been ignored. Matt knew he was frustrating Nick with his stubbornness, Matt had completely ignored the very existence of a problem - repeating he was 'fine' time and time again. Matt wouldn't admit he was struggling and Nick clearly wasn't in favour of seeing how deep he'd spiral if left to his own devices.
Still in Matt's room, now at the foot of his bed, Nick tapped his brother's leg, "well, that's nice but you're not alone. I'm here and I'm not leaving,"
"Go away Nick!" Matt grumbled, a dark glare targeting the older while he watched Nick move to the side of his room.
"I know you're upset and sad but it's sunny and I think we should go get food," Nick ripped open the curtains on his brother's window, forcing the brutally bright sun to peer intrusively into the room.
"Fuck Nick, what the fuck," Matt pulled the blankets over his head, "go away seriously,"
"Absolutely not, I'm playing Fortnite until you get up," Nick's cocky and concurrently concerned attitude was painfully older brother coded and Matt hated that he couldn't be mad at it.
"Fine, fine," Matt groaned, watching Nick sit in his computer chair and start his computer up.
"Is it usually this slow?" Nick's playful tone was annoying enough to get Matt out of the bed.
"Get up, get out of my chair, c'mon," Matt grabbed his older brother's arm and dragged him out of the room.
"Cane's?" Nick asked, a sassy grin painted across his face at his win.
"Fine, alright!" Matt agreed, "can I get dressed?"
"I guess," Nick smiled at the counter he leaned on, happy with himself.