Chapter Text
Something is wrong with Till. Something is definitely wrong. It has been years since Ivan has known this childhood friend of his and his gut feelings are churning at the thought of it. Wrong means that Till is avoiding him at all cost. Sure, Till used to avoid him back when they were still children, claiming that Ivan is too annoying and noisy to his liking. They still ended up being friends for years, though. Through Ivan’s insistence, obviously.
It’s been a week since Till started avoiding him, reasons are unknown as of now. Ivan tried to recall his behavior for the past week and he still can’t find out his wrongdoings. “He never avoided me this long,” he whined.
“He has grown tired of you, it’s obvious,” Hyuna answered with a small chuckle, a joke clearly heard in her tone. “You cling too much to him, like a gum that won’t come off no matter what you wash your hair with.”
“That is disgusting,” he grunted.
“Exactly.”
Ivan slammed the table in front of him and exclaimed with an extremely aggrieved voice, “Noona, are you saying that it’s disgusting that I cling to him?”
“That didn’t come out of Hyuna’s mouth,” Luka interjected. “You said it yourself.”
“It was implied,” Ivan said exasperatingly.
“It’s nice to hear that you are conscious enough about the way you cling too much to Till,” Luka said while sipping his cup of coffee.
“You guys are disgustingly alike.” Ivan huffed as he chomped his sandwich down, sauce smearing his mouth as he ate it without any care of the world.
“Didn’t they say that the longer you are married, the more likely that you resemble each other?” Luka said with a chuckle.
“You are not even married!”
“Yet,” Hyuna added with a chuckle.
“Ugh, you are both so disgustingly in love.”
“And you eat disgustingly,” Luka added. Ivan was about to retort, but was cut off by Luka. “Look out the window,” he suddenly said. “There.” Luka pointed at the bakery across from the cafe they are in. “Isn’t that your crush, loverboy?”
“Huh,” Ivan said absentmindedly. “Didn’t he say that he was going right home because his mom needed help with something?” he muttered.
“He obviously lied to you,” Luka said, throwing fuel to the fire.
Suddenly, Ivan saw Mizi, following Till out of the bakery. He saw her asid something to Till that made him blush madly and Ivan has never seen him blush like that for all the years they have been together. “Why is he with Mizi?” Ivan said through his gritted teeth. “Is he…?” he muttered.
“No, Mizi is–” Hyuna’s words are unfinished as Luka interjected.
“Who knows?” Luka said with a smile that is unlike a smile. “How about you ask him yourself?”
“I’m going,” Ivan said after he wiped the sauce on his mouth. Then, he rushed out of the cafe.
(“That’s cruel,” Hyuna said to Luka after Ivan rushed out. “You know that Mizi is dating Sua,” she continued.
“I’d like to see how this will end up,” Luka said with a chuckle and sipped his coffee again. “Ivan needs a wake up call.”
“Hmm.” Hyuna glanced at the foam at the corner of Luka’s lips. “I guess you are right about that part,” she said and wiped the foam from Luka’s lips with her thumbs. “Cute,” Hyuna said as she saw the increasing blush forming on Luka. “Even though I know you did it on purpose,” she said with a light laugh.)
“Fancy meeting you here, Mizi,” Ivan said after he approached the two people in front of the bakery. His arm slung over Till’s shoulder with a wide grin plastered on his face. “Isn’t it such a small world to meet the two of you while I was right at the cafe across from this bakery,” he said, emphasizing on the word ‘two’.
“Hi, Ivan!” Mizi said with a cheerful smile that is obviously faked and forced. “This bakery is only two minutes walk from our campus though, the probability of us meeting is big,” she continued with a smug tone, as if saying, you are so stupid and obvious.
On the other hand, Till was as rigid as a stone from the moment Ivan greeted them. “What were you doing with Till?” he asked, face leaning to Till’s shoulder as his fingers on Till’s other shoulder fiddled with his hair. His hair is getting long, he said.
“Oh, he was accompanying me to buy some pastries,” Mizi said and held up a paper bag from the bakery.
“Why didn’t you ask–” your friend, Sua, but his words were interrupted as Mizi’s phone rang. A smile bloomed on her face, this time, it is obviously a real smile where she looks like she just got a call from the love of her life.
“I will be going now,” she said hurriedly as she picked up the call, then walked away from them. Ivan could hear the small laughter that came from Mizi as she was talking with whoever was on her phone.
There was an awkward silence after she was out of their sight, with Ivan’s hands still on Till’s shoulder. Till is still silent, not saying a single thing nor interjecting his talk with Mizi. “I thought you wanted to go home first because your mother needed something,” he said with a dejected tone. “But here I am, finding you going to a bakery with Mizi…”
“So what?” Till finally opened up his mouth. His hands pushed away Ivan’s head and he moved away from Ivan. “It’s none of your business anyway,” he added. “I’m going now.” He waved his hands and started to walk away.
“Wait,” Ivan said as he held Till’s hand. “Why don’t we get a coffee first? I’m tired of being the third wheel between Hyuna-noona and Luka there,” he whined and pulled Till’s hand a bit. In the first place, Till wasn’t as steady because he was walking forward so he almost fell backwards as Ivan pulled his hand. Thankfully, Ivan catched him before he could fall, his other hand on Till’s waist to stabilize him.
“No,” Till said as he pushed away the hand on his waist.
“Why not?”
“I have no obligation to join you.”
Ivan was left speechless by Till’s words and he is also hurt by his words. Although Ivan knows rationally that Till really has no obligation to obey his wishes. He watched as Till walked away from him and he did not have time to react due to Till’s words. Ivan suddenly feels like everything will fall out of grasp if he doesn’t go after Till or stop him from walking away, so he starts running after Till, who also started running away when he noticed that Ivan was following him.
Till stopped first when he was out of breath and Ivan stopped behind him.
“This place…” Ivan muttered as he looked around. It was the playground where he first met Till when they were kids. Then, there was a surge of memory flooding his mind.
˗ˏˋ ★ ˎˊ˗
Ivan was playing at the playground as he waited for his mother to come back from the grocery shopping. He was playing hide-and-seek with the other kids in the neighborhood and he was hiding behind a tall, big tree near the bushes. He crouched down, giggling when he found out that he is the last one who has yet to be found.
While he waited for his friends to find him, Ivan suddenly heard a rustle from above him. Followed with a small whine, like a small animal trapped on the tree branch, not being able to go down. He was wrong about the animal part, though, but something was indeed stuck at the tree branch. When he looked up, he saw a small face peering down on him, eyes on the verge of tears. As much as Ivan thought he wasn’t a coward, seeing a face on a tree branch and said face is wearing white shirt definitely scared the shit out of him. He fell backwards, hands scrapping the small sharp pebbles on the ground. His mouth hangs open, face pale, drained from fear.
However, even though he was scared, he still decided to act though and asked the ‘little ghost’ sitting on the branch. “A-are you a ghost?” he asked, voice stuttering, but with a fake tone like he is not afraid of the ‘little ghost’ at all.
“I’m not!” the ‘little ghost’ squeaked.
“Well, which ghost claims that he is not a ghost?!” Ivan’s voice trembled as he asked, afraid that he would incur the ‘little ghost’ wrath.
“I’m really not a ghost!” The ‘little ghost’ eyes finally burst with a blob of tears and one drop fell on top of Ivan’s forehead, which means that the ‘little ghost’ is not a ‘little ghost’ at all. Because, how could a ghost’s tear fall on top of him and not go through him?
Ivan watched in silence as the ‘little ghost’ tried to wipe his tears away unsuccessfully. “Why are you crying?” he asked carefully, afraid of the angering the other again, which he failed because the response he got was:
“I’m not crying!”
Ivan nodded, conceding with the ‘little ghost' words that he isn't crying. “Why are you sitting on the branch?” he switched to another topic and got no response in exchange. “Do you want to go down?” he asked and saw the other nodding his head, then shaking it. “Should I go up there to accompany you?” A small nod, then Ivan climbed the tree carefully, already forgetting that he was supposed to play hide and seek with his friends.
“I have never seen you here,” he said as he dusted his dirty hands. Palms aching a bit as he wounded them after falling down on small pebbles. It hurts more after his hands rubbed against the bark of the tree trunk while trying to climb. “Are you new?” He looked towards the ‘little ghost' who was eyeing his palms.
“Does it hurt?” ‘little ghost' asked. Ivan shook his head, it didn't hurt that much , he thought. He was about to wipe his hands on his shirt when the ‘little ghost’ bent down to blow on his wound and then give him a little kiss on it.
That was how Ivan had his heart pierced with the love arrow for the first (and last) time.
˗ˏˋ ★ ˎˊ˗
Ivan put his hands on his waist, laughing out loud after recalling the memory when he first met with Till. He hunched forward, clutching his stomach as it hurt from too much laughing. “What? Why are you laughing?” Till asked with an annoyed expression.
“I remembered that I thought you were a ghost,” Ivan said. He saw Till rolling his eyes and started walking forward again and Ivan was about to stop him before he saw the other stop in front of a familiar, big, tree.
“It’s this one, right?” Till asked and put his right hand on the tree. His expressions mellowed, a small smile plastered on his face. For some reason, Ivan thought that Till looked a bit sad and he feels like the other will be out of his grasp if he doesn’t hold onto him right at this second. So, Ivan decided that he had to hold onto Till until the other person really wanted to go away from him.
“Why are you avoiding me?” Ivan finally asked the questions he had been holding on these past few days. “Don’t say that you are not avoiding me, if you aren’t then you wouldn’t run away when you saw me in front of the bakery just now,” he added and walked towards Till who was still silent after his question. Then, he held Till’s hand that was hanging on his side and said, “Are you about to leave me?”
“Can you tell me why you wanted to leave?” he mumbled, asking again after getting no response from the other.
“Why do you think that I’m leaving?”
“I don’t know,” Ivan said and shrugged his shoulders. He looked down on his hand that was holding Till’s. “It sort of feels like you are drifting away from me,” he continued. “I don’t want that.” Ivan looked up, he watched Till’s eyelashes trembling, wet like he was about to burst into tears like their first meeting. He doesn’t really want to see him cry like this, though. “I…” Ivan’s words travelled, his tongue was numb, at a loss for what to say to make Till stay.
“Sorry,” Till finally said. “I’m getting scared of my own thoughts, so I thought I needed to widen the distance between us.”
There was a glimmer of hope in Ivan’s eyes. “What kind of thoughts?” he asked.
“Do you–” Till stopped before he finished his words. “Nevermind, it’s nothing of your concern.” Till looked at him and smiled somberly. “I’m going,” he added. “I won’t leave, don’t worry,” Till said, snatching his hands out of Ivan’s grip, and turned his back away from him.
Ivan watched the other’s back that was slowly walking away from him. He hated the way Till’s hand slipped away from him and even though Till said he won’t leave, he still feels like the other is really leaving him behind. So, Ivan opened his mouth to say the words he had been holding onto: “What if I like you? Am I allowed to?”
˗ˏˋ ★ ˎˊ˗
“So? What was his answer?” Hyuna asked with a curious tone, a smirk plastered on her face. She leaned backwards and put her hands on the chair, surrounding Luka’s shoulder. “You look like shit,” she added after.
“I know,” Ivan said and groaned. “He didn’t say anything and just walked away,” Ivan continued and poured more soju into his soju glass. He drank it in one shot, then flipped the meat on the grill. "He definitely hates me now," he concluded. "Oh my god, I'm so stupid. I shouldn't have said that," he whined and rubbed his face with his hands roughly. He took the cooked meat with his chopsticks and put it on the lettuce. Then, he put a bit of sauce on top of the meat before wrapping it with the lettuce and eating it. “That was Till’s favorite sauce,” he said tipsily. “I used to be the one who wrapped it for him…” he sobbed, eyes filled with tears.
Ivan chugged glass after glass of soju and the other two watched him chug down soju like a drunkard. “At this rate you will be drunk before you are able to let everything out,” Luka said and made a wrap for Hyuna, offering it to Hyuna’s mouth instead of giving it to Hyuna, who ate it without any resistance.
“I hate you guys,” Ivan said dazedly. “Stop giving me dog food to eat…” he made another wrap and ate it, then he drank another shot.
“You should have just said that you like him instead of asking that question,” Hyuna said. “He is probably confused whether you really like him or not because of your question.”
“Indeed,” Luka said and ate the wrap that Hyuna offered to him. “I understand that you wanted his permission to like him, but it’s stupid because you don’t really need his permission to like him. What you need as a permission is whether or not he allow you to be his boyfriend or not,” Luka added jab after jabs of words to Ivan’s already broken heart.
“I’m afraid that he will think it’s disgusting that I like him,” Ivan finally said the thing weighing on his mind. “Before I asked him whether I’m allowed to like him or not, he avoided me like a plague. What if I say that I really like him and that made him avoid me more than before?” he said. “It’s not like it will be easy for him to accept another guy liking him,” he added. “It’s not as simple as your relationship since both of you are normal… unlike me,” he finished his words with another shot.
There was silence before Luka opened his mouth to ask Ivan. “What do you think is ‘normal’, Ivan?” He leaned forwards and put his chin on his hand. “Do you think that normal means something like Hyuna and I? A man and a woman in love with each other?” He asked again. “Do you really think what makes me love Hyuna is the fact that she is a woman or the fact that she is a person whom I gave my heart to?”
“Sorry,” Ivan said after realising that he misspoke. “It’s not that I’m downplaying the relationship between you two… I know it’s more than ‘genders’, but I just can’t help but think how things would be easier for Till if I was a woman instead of a man.”
“Do you think that, as long as you are a woman, Till will accept your ‘confession’?” Luka asked and was met with silence from Ivan. “I know your struggles, Ivan. Both Hyuna and I understand it as well. All of us lived being forced to breathe the way other people breathe. However, do you think just because we are forced to, we won’t struggle?” He took a deep breath and flicked Ivan’s forehead. “We also struggled with how people told us that ‘women can’t be this way’ and ‘men can’t be this way’. I struggled with how they told me that I’m not allowed to dress femininely. I struggled with how they forced me to wear the ‘normal’ thing that men are supposed to wear, when I also wanted to be able to wear pretty clothes like women do.”
“But does it really matter? Does it really matter with how others perceive us and how they boxed us in as a part of the ‘abnormalities’ instead of just seeing us as people who live the way they wanted to?” he continued his words. “Well, for me and Hyuna, it doesn’t matter anymore. We both understand your concern very well, but if you think you are ‘abnormal’ like how other people think, doesn’t it make you the same way as them? You are just boxing yourself the way people box up yourself.”
Ivan stared into Luka’s eyes watching every single move he made and he glanced towards Hyuna who didn’t say anything, agreeing with Luka’s words in silence. “I’m sorry,” he apologized. “I know what you mean… It’s just really hard not to think that I’m abnormal since a lot of people think so.”
“I know how you feel,” Hyuna finally opened her mouth. “However, Ivan, you should look at the people around you. Did you notice that so many people are voicing out their thoughts, claiming their rights as a human to love another human? Claiming their rights to express themselves with no constraint?” she asked Ivan. “Look around and open your eyes, Ivan. There are still so many places for us to be free. The others have no rights to ransack the place we built so hard to gain our freedom, Ivan. And one day, I know that we will be able to tackle the definition of ‘normal’.”
“I understand,” Ivan said, sobering up a bit after hearing the words from both of them. “I’m sorry, again, for saying all those things. I’m really stupid for it,” he continues, feeling ashamed with his own thoughts and words.
“The ones who should say sorry are those who forced us into the ‘abnormal’ box, not you, Ivan. They influenced people to define ‘normal’ and to differentiate those who don't fit the checklist of being ‘normal’,” Luka answered him. “Moreover, do you really think that Till is the kind of person who would be disgusted if he was liked by another man?” he asked and Ivan knows the answer in his heart already. Then, Luka poured a glass of cold water into another cup, pushing it towards Ivan. “Sober up a bit, Ivan. At least you won’t get an intense headache and hangover tomorrow.”
“Thank you,” Ivan said and they understand that he is thanking both of them for their words, not for Luka’s glass of cold water.
˗ˏˋ ★ ˎˊ˗
Ivan was walking around the neighborhood after his bout of drinking. He was sobering up as he walked, hoping that the chilly night wind would help him sober up. Ivan was wondering how he subconsciously thought of himself as abnormal, remembering every word that Hyuna and Luka said to him. He is still afraid, of course. He doesn’t even know Till’s feelings for him, nor does he know what Till thinks about his feelings for him. Ivan is more certain now, though. He will confess to Till when the time is right and if worse comes to worst, they will probably break off their friendship.
Not that Ivan wanted that, though.
Ideally, Ivan wanted him to start dating Till. He knows that there is a sliver of hope with how Till reacted towards his words yesterday, but he doesn’t really want to break their friendship due to his feelings. Ivan will wait until Till comes to terms with his feelings, whether Till likes him or not, he will accept it regardless. He knows that Till won’t be prejudiced towards him, it was just an impulsive thinking that led him to think that Till will be disgusted by him. Till wasn’t that type of person, Ivan knows that. Since they were kids, he doesn’t even care when Till found out about Luka liking dresses. Till even complimented Luka that he is pretty after he saw the other in a dress.
However, there was still a fear, deeply instilled in him, that Till would frown down upon him the moment Ivan vocalised his feelings towards him. He is afraid that Till will choose to push him even further away from him. Ivan doesn’t fear the rejection that will come, he fears that Till will walk away and disappear from his life. He knows that if Till doesn’t like him back, the probability of him walking away from his life is big. Ivan knows that Till would rather walk away from him so as to not hurt Ivan’s feeling by staying by his side as a friend.
Thinking about it hurts both his head and heart, so he decided to stay in the park where he first met Till the ‘little ghost’. He sat down on the bench nearest to the tree that he climbed back then to meet Till. Ivan watched as the moonlight shone through the gaps of the clouds in the sky.
He remembered how he retracted his hand as soon as Till kissed the wound on it. Flustered with how close the cute ‘little ghost’ was to his face back then. He also remembered the way he fell backward to the ground in an attempt to dodge the other when Till bent down again to kiss his other hand. Thankfully, the branch wasn’t as high, but he still ended up with a bruise on his butt and a little wound on his forehead. They ended up being found by his mother when she heard Till’s shout and cry. She helped Till down from the branch and afterwards, Till waddled towards him who was still sitting on the ground, covering the small wound on his forehead.
“I’m sorry,” Till had apologized to him back then. “Did I scare you?” he asked with a worried tone, then leaned down to blow on his forehead and gave him another kiss on it. Back then, Ivan was too young to handle such an intimate action and he ended up fainting from the dizziness he felt.
He snapped out of his memories when he heard someone calling his name. Surprisingly, it was Till who was walking towards him. He was wearing a grey hoodie with a small black bunny embroidered on the right side of the chest by Till’s mother, it matched Ivan’s where his black hoodie was embroidered with a grey bunny instead at the same place as Till’s hoodie.
He never thought that Till would still call out for him after yesterday’s event. Till’s call was enough to get him out of his dazed state, his drunkenness dissipating more than the wind could do. “Hi,” Till said awkwardly and waved his hand.
“Hi,” Ivan said, his voice way more awkward than Till’s.
“What are you doing–”
“I’m leaving now–”
They had said those at the same time and Till was flustered after hearing Ivan’s words, as if he didn’t expect that Ivan would run away from him. “Go back then,” Till said with a small pout, lips pursed out.
“I thought you don’t want to meet me,” Ivan said hurriedly. “Come and sit here, Till,” he said and patted the empty space beside him.
“Why do you think that I don’t want to meet you?” Till asked after sitting beside him. “I said I won’t leave, so I really won’t leave. I have never broken my promise, have I?” he said with a small smile.
“But you lied to me about helping your mom.” The words slipped out of Ivan’s mouth without control and he could see Till freezing up after his words. “Sorry, I didn’t mean it. I know you have your own reasons,” Ivan said quickly. He really can’t bear seeing the guilty look on Till’s face.
“It’s okay.” Till exhaled lightly. His complexion pale as he bit his lips, as if he wanted to say something but the words are unable to come out of him. “It was my fault for lying after all, sorry.” He fiddled with his hands, unknown what kind of thoughts he was thinking.
“Can you tell me why?”
“It’s stupid,” Till said right after Ivan’s question. “It’s just that… I needed advice from Mizi. I bought her some pastries to say thanks,” he answered. “It’s really just that, sorry for lying.”
“Oh.” Ivan doesn’t know how to respond to that information. “What kind of–” advice , was left unsaid.
“I like you,” Till said suddenly, cutting off Ivan’s words. “Well, at least I think that I like you. I mean, I guess I do like you to some extent– romantically –not platonically, I think? I don’t hate when you touch me and I think I can even kiss you if I want to. I’m still not sure about it, but I know that you like me and I tried to–why are you crying?”
Ivan is not crying, at all.
“I’m not!”
“You are,” Till said with a teasing tone. “Did my words hurt you? Do you want more certainty…? Ah, I’m not really sure how to comfort someone who is crying…” Till glanced around, then he pulled off his hoodie and put it on top of Ivan’s head. “I was asking Mizi for love advice, something like how she knows that she likes Sua… and how she comes to terms with it.”
Till then jolted as though he thought he said something wrong. “I meant to say how she comes to terms with loving someone… not how she comes to terms with loving another woman when she is one. I don’t really care about it, but I have never really known about romantic relationships or feelings. You know how it is in my family, I only live with my mother,” he explained and watched Ivan silently who is still crying his eyes out, but is definitely listening to Till’s words.
“I really don’t understand how a romantic relationship works, I have never been exposed to it. I grew up with my mother and of course she loves me, but that is all I know. I only know that I love the people around me, but I didn’t know how to differentiate it, I guess. You grew up with your adoptive father who grew to love your adoptive mother… However, I only have my mother’s love for as long as I have lived.”
“I have never known how to love someone else besides my mother and I don’t know how to accept love from someone else besides her. You are the first person to give me the love I have never gotten aside from my mother.”
“However… right now, I really want you to be the first person whom I give my love to for the first time.”
There was a pause after his last sentence and Ivan heard him sighing. Ivan has actually stopped crying in the middle of Till’s speech, but his last sentence made his eyes redden once more. “If you still want to cry, then just cry. Don’t hold it in,” Till said and patted Ivan’s head. “I understand that you feel overwhelmed by my words… Sorry, do you need time to collect yourself? Should I leave you alone for now…?” Till asked hesitatingly.
“No,” Ivan said with his hoarse voice and pulled Till to his embrace. “Thank you,” he whispered quietly into Till’s ears. He saw it redden as soon as he whispered into his ears.
“Do you hate me now?” He heard Till ask him a question that he, himself, never thought about.
“Huh?”
“Do you hate me?” Till repeated his questions. “If you hate me now after my dismissal yesterday, then–”
“How could I ever hate you?” Ivan asked in an incredulous tone. “I could never ,” he said. “I’m hugging you and you still think that I hate you?”
Without looking at Till’s face, Ivan knows that the other is rolling his eyes. “Well, I’m sorry for needing affirmations every time,” he said begrudgingly. “If you can’t bear with it then we should just stay as–”
His words stopped after Ivan shoved him away from his embrace, then Ivan said the words he never thought he would ever be able to say to Till in this life. “I like you,” he said with a serious tone and saw Till’s eyes lit up. “I like you,” he repeated and Till’s cheeks reddened at his words.
“I really, really like you.”
“Stop–”
“I won’t stop until you understand that I like you so much that I can give away my life to save you.”
“That is unnecessary–”
“Well, maybe in another life. If I had to, I know I would do it.”
“You are crazy.”
“Crazy for you, sure. I like you a lot, Till.”
“Shut up!”
“I love you,” Ivan finally said as he looked straight into Till’s eyes. “When you doubt me about how much I love you, no matter how much you ask me, I will always answer your questions with ‘I love you’ until you are sick of hearing it,” Ivan said in a serious tone. In turn, he watched as Till’s eyes reddened and tears started to run down his face.
“You can doubt me as much as you like, you can question my feelings every time you want to, I don’t care. Even until you engrave in your mind that ‘Ivan loves Till’, I will forever repeat those words to you,” he said. “I think, even after death, I will haunt your life either as a bug in your home that you could never get rid of or as a ghost that haunts your home and sings you a lullaby at midnight,” Ivan added with a light chuckle.
“That sounds stupid,” Till said with a sniffle. His puffy red eyes, messy hair, and wet cheeks look adorable in Ivan’s eyes. Ivan wanted to kiss him.
“Can I kiss you?” he asked hastily, then realising the question he had asked was not at the right time, he slapped his mouth. “Nevermind,” he said. “Let’s continue crying. Both of us,” he said and started to fake cry, which landed him a laugh from Till. A free laugh, a smile that outshine both the morning sun and the moonlight. His eyes crescent like the moon, the corner of his lips lifted into a spirited laugh. For a moment, Ivan thought that Till looked free .
Then, his whole body froze as Till leaned closer to kiss his forehead. “There, a kiss–mmph!” Ivan grabbed Till’s shoulder and pulled him into the searing kiss he had always wanted to give to him.