Work Text:
June 29th, 2025
When Eddie was a little boy, his abuela would tell him that he was gifted. “Tienes un don cariño,” she would say. She, along with the rest of his family, was convinced that the things he saw and heard were spirits. That he was the bridge that connected the living and the dead, a living conduit destined to carry the burden of being a messenger for those with unfinished business.
He hated it back then. It terrified him– being the one the dead clung to like a dense and cold fog. Though many described it as a blessing, to Eddie it was a curse. A cruel and sick fate he never asked for.
And so for many nights Eddie would pray. He mostly prayed to God, but when the voices were too loud and the shadows too persistent, he’d question why God would choose him for the job. He never got a response.
With time, he learned to tune out the voices and ignore the figures. If the dead were unrelenting, he was unyielding. The voices got quieter and the shadows receded until one day, they were gone for good. As he got older he brushed it off as having a creative imagination and he pushed the memories as far back as his brain would allow him.
Eddie never thought he’d see a day in which he would wish for his “gift” to come back, never thought he’d ask to speak with the dead.
Yet, one night he finds himself on his knees praying to any being that’ll listen to turn him into the living conduit he once was because–
Evan Buckley dies for the second and final time on a Saturday night after being hit by a drunk driver running a red light.
Unlike the first time, he doesn’t have a harness to stop him from hitting the pavement
Unlike the first time, he doesn’t have firefighters in the vicinity to immediately attend to him
Unlike the first time, Eddie isn’t there to restart his heart.
…
Mid-May, 2025
Eddie sets down the last of the boxes on his living room floor with a grunt. “Thank you for helping us move. Again.”
Buck shakes his head, smiling. “It’s nothing. I’m just glad this time it’s moving in instead of out.”
“Yeah, me too. Texas stopped being home a long time ago. It’s nice to be back here,” Eddie confesses.
“It’s nice having you guys back, LA is not the same without you guys.”
‘Texas isn’t the same without you,’ he wants to counter, but he doesn’t.
Instead, he decides on, “how do you feel about having a movie night? Chris has been wanting to watch this new movie that just came out. We could go to the store and grab some snacks?”
Buck comes to a halt, the gravel beneath his shoes crunching with the abrupt movement. He brings his hand to the back of his neck, scratching at his nape, a habit he has of doing when he’s nervous. “You think we could raincheck for another time?”
“Oh.” Eddie blinks once. Twice. “You have plans?”
He doesn’t look at Eddie when he responds. “I have an apartment showing later…”
Eddie feels his brow furrow. “I didn’t know you were looking…”
“Well–” Buck begins, but then stops, breath catching. “I mean now that you guys are back it’s not like I can– I need to find a place for myself.”
Oh. Right. For some odd reason Eddie had forgotten about that. “Right. No, yeah. That’s– I get it.”
An awkward silence falls between them.
Buck breaks the silence with a cough and cracks a sheepish grin. “Buuuuut! I might need to crash on your couch for a little. Just while I find a place!”
Eddie laughs, relief washing over him. “You know you can stay as long as you need!”
His friend looks him in the eye then, shoulders relaxing as he takes a step forward, giving Eddie’s arm a gentle tap. “Man I don’t know what I’d do without you”
“The feeling’s mutual,” he replies with a smile.
…
July 9th, 2025
“–ddie…”
“Eddie…”
“Eddie!”
Eddie lifts his head to the source and finds Hen standing in front of him holding out a glass of water. “You need to drink something…” He takes the cup out of her hands, but doesn’t take a drink.
They’re in Maddie and Chim’s living room. where they chose to hold the funeral reception. To his surprise, a majority of the guests have seen themselves out already and the only ones who remain are the 118 members, their families, and the Grant family. Chim is making his way around the remaining guests to check in on them and ask if they need anything. Maddie is nowhere to be found, most likely in the comfort of her bedroom where she can break down out of sight.
Hen takes a seat next to him on the couch and they sit in silence for a few moments before she speaks up, “...How is Christopher doing?”
Eddie looks over to where Chris is sitting at the table leaning onto his Tia Peppa. “He umm… he misses his Buck.” He forces himself to look away because if he sees the devastated look on his face for another second, the tears would just start all over again and he had just managed to make them stop. He focuses on fidgeting with his fingers instead. “I don’t know what to do or say to make him feel better when I– there hasn’t been a second since he passed that I don’t feel this stupid ache in my chest. How can I help him when I can’t pull myself together?”
Hen places a hand on his shoulder. “Chris is a very intelligent and kind kid, he knows that you’re also grieving Buck. I think if you allow yourself to grieve in front of him– with him, it’ll help the two of you. You’ll both be there for each other, and even though it may not seem like a kid can help much, you need Chris just as much as he needs you.” She gives him a smile that doesn’t quite reach her eyes, but it’s warm nonetheless. Eddie gives one in return
One of the tears he had been holding back fall free as he speaks, “You know, when… When Shannon died, I thought that the next time Chris would lose a parent it would be me, but now when I think about it, Buck was just as much a parent to him as Shannon and I are. I mean Buck wasn’t obligated to, but he loved Chris like his own.”
“I can attest to that. When he spoke about Chris, I swear his face would soften and it was like nothing or no one else mattered.”
“Chris and I lucked out with him.”
“We all did,” Chim chimes in as he takes the empty seat beside Hen.
Eddie had no doubt about it– Buck coming into their lives was the closest thing he could get to a miracle, and he didn’t believe in them.
“Jee keeps asking when her Uncle Buck is going to wake up so they can bake cookies.” Chim tries to laugh, but it comes out as a sharp breath and a few tears manage to fall free. Eddie’s heart breaks even more, something he didn’t think was possible. Chim turns to where Jee is sitting with her grandparents– the Buckleys– and Eddie follows his gaze. He finds himself thinking how lucky it is to be Jee; too young to understand death and what that means for a person… But then again– she’s old enough to feel the empty space that her Uncle Buck filled, wondering where it is he went.
“I keep telling her that he won’t wake up anytime soon, but she doesn’t understand… And everytime she asks me, I have to explain it all over again and it hurts even more every time.” Chim breaks into a silent sob, Hen and Eddie join him.
As if the funeral weren’t enough, the storm outside made sure the world reflected the sorrow Eddie felt on the inside. Lightning strikes outside and is quickly followed by a roaring thunder. He is taken back to when Buck’s heart stopped for the first time. Some of the worst three minutes and seventeen seconds of his life. He remembers the feeling of his heart sinking at the sound of Buck flatlining, the warm tears sliding down his face and mixing with his sweat and rain from the storm, the feeling of Buck’s ribs breaking beneath his palms with each compression. How was he supposed to relive those three minutes and seventeen seconds on repeat until death eventually came for him too? Eddie doesn’t really believe in curses, but that fate is as close as it can get to a curse.
He buries his face in his hands, palms digging into his eyes in an attempt to hold back more tears, but it’s futile. A sob escapes his lips and in retaliation he bites down on the bottom one. “I can’t do this– life– without him, I–” Hen pulls him into a hug.
“I know…” Eddie leans into her as she continues. “We miss him too.”
…
Late May 2025:
Eddie wakes up in the middle of the night for a glass of water. As he makes his way into the living room he notices a light coming from the couch.
“Buck? Why are you awake?” He asks through a yawn.
Buck looks up from his phone. “I’m sorry, did I wake you?”
“No, I was just gonna get some water,” he responds, pointing towards the kitchen. “I’ll be back.”
Eddie makes his way to the kitchen and grabs a glass from his cupboard and fills it up. He takes his glass and he makes his way back to the living room. “So, you never answered my question?”
Buck laughs nervously and scratches the back of his neck, something he does when he’s gotten caught doing something he shouldn’t. Eddie lifts up an eyebrow at him and that’s enough for his friend to cave in. “I’m looking at places…”
Eddie’s heart sinks a little. “Oh. Why so late?” He places his glass of water down on the coffee table and takes a seat next to Buck.
“Well,” Buck sighs before continuing, “I feel bad, I don’t want to overstay my welcome.”
“Buck–”
“I know! I know! But, it’s just you’re too much of a good friend to kick me out and even I know that it’s been more than enough time for me to have found a place already. It’s just a little hard because 1. It’s LA and 2. My credit score sucks! I swear Eddie, I’ve been trying to find a place, but no matter how hard I look I can never find anything! And again, I really don’t want to be in your guys’ hair, so I’ve just been really occupied with this!” Buck pushes it all out in one breath and by the end of it Eddie is out of breath for him.
“Okay, well first of all, you know you’re welcome to stay as long as you need, you’re not in ‘our hair.’ Secondly, I never expected you to move out right away.” Eddie grabs Buck’s phone out of his hands, “let me see some of these places– Oh God!” The places he had been looking at are horrifying to say the least. “These are…”
“Terrible, I know. I told you the process has been slow,” Buck sighs and sinks further into the couch. “I feel bad about taking up your living room, so I was talking to Maddie and Chim about me moving in with them while I find a place. They agreed.”
Eddie slides out of the website Buck had been using to look at homes and turns off the phone, leaving them in complete darkness. “Don’t leave.” The words leave his lips before he’s even given himself the chance to think about it, but they feel right nonetheless. He likes having Buck around, he wouldn’t mind him staying longer. Hell— he probably wouldn’t mind him staying forever.
Buck laughs lightly in response. Eddie doesn’t think his words warranted a laugh, he wasn’t joking. He stares at Buck, waiting for him to catch up.
Buck’s eyes widen at his silence. “Eddie, I’ve been here for too long. You must be annoyed of me by now!”
Eddie stands by his words. “I’m serious, don’t leave.”
His friend shifts his body so that he’s now facing Eddie. The moonlight from outside cascading through the curtains gives him a dim view of Buck’s troubled face. “Eddie, you don’t have to do this for me–”
“Okay, stop! I’m not just doing this out of the kindness of my heart. You’re… family, you know this. Chris likes having you around, he even said that he wouldn’t mind you living with us…” He pauses for a second before adding, “and it’s been nice having someone around to carry the load of chores and stuff.”
Buck lightly smacks his arm drawing a laugh out of him, “Asshole.”
“Okay, but seriously, stay.”
“No offense, but I don’t want to sleep on your couch anymore.” And yeah, Eddie gets it, he wouldn’t be happy sleeping on his old and worn out couch long term either.
“We can figure something out eventually… so?”
Buck groans, “Ughh! You know I can’t say no to you or Chris.”
“So, is that a yes?”
He smiles at him before responding. “Yes, it is. Thank you.”
Eddie smiles back. “Good!” He stands up and takes his glass of water from the coffee table. “We need at least one good cook around here. Chris might just run off to Texas again if he sees me making food,” he adds as he starts walking back towards his room. He turns around and sees Buck roll his eyes at him with a smile.
…
July 22nd, 2025
“FUCK!!” Eddie yells as he throws out the second failed batch of pancakes. He’d been trying to make breakfast for the past hour and half, but he was never the best at cooking. His cooking had gotten even rustier as he had been getting used to relying on Buck to handle all things food, but well he can’t exactly rely on a dead man for that now so here he is.
A knock at the door pulls him out of his pity party. “Coming!”
When he opens the door he’s surprised to see his Tia Pepa in front of him holding containers of food. “Hola mi niño. I just wanted to come over and bring you and Chris some food.” Her smile is a little weak, but full of love nonetheless.
He gestures for her to come in with a weak smile of his own. “Gracias Tía, but you didn’t have to do that.” He closes the door behind him and then guides them into the kitchen. The older woman takes in the messy scene before them and he instantly regrets his previous words.
“You were saying?”
He huffs out, slightly embarrassed. “Okay yeah, I wasn’t having the best of luck this morning but honestly you shouldn’t have. I was just going to order takeout.”
“Edmundo, you and Chris can’t be eating junk food so often. Besides, what's done is done, you’re not going to say no now that I’m here are you?” She sets the containers down on the one place free of utensils, pans, ingredients— every bit of evidence of his failed attempt at making breakfast.
“No, no I’m not” he gives in as he takes a seat on one of the chairs at the kitchen island.
Peppa perks up at this. “Good. You sit tight while I heat this up for you and Chris. Is he awake yet?”
He shoves some of the items on the island to make space for him to prop up his elbows as he answers, “No, I’ve been letting him sleep in. It’s summer and well, you know— I don’t want to bother him after everything.”
His Tia hums in understanding. “And how have you been mijo?”
Devastated. Depressed. Desperately pleading for this to be a nightmare. Begging most nights to see him again, even if it’s just a glimpse.
Of course he doesn’t say that.
Instead, he says: “It’s hard, but I think I’m handling it well—”
“Edmundo.” She cuts him off and turns abruptly, giving him that look she gives him when she knows he’s lying. “How have you been? You know you can be completely honest with me right?”
He sighs and drops his head into his hands, he can’t bear to look his Tia in the eye. He’s never really been one to cry in front of people, much less in front of his family.
He can thank machismo for that.
Despite all those years of denying himself to express his emotions in front of his family, His Tia’s question simultaneously breaks down his walls and the dam of tears. “I don’t know what to do– I need him! I–”
He cuts himself off, not being able to say what he was going to say out loud.
“Oh, honey!” She rounds the island and takes the seat next to him, bringing him into a tight hug. He leans into her, grabbing a tight hold of her sleeves in both his hands as he sobs into her shoulder. “I know mi nino, I know. Let it all out, it’s okay.”
Her words of endearment and her hands carding through his hair just make him cry harder. Even then, however, he tries to hold back so as to not wake Christopher.
After a few minutes, once his crying has subsided, he disentangles himself from Peppa. She cups her hand on his cheek, wiping away a tear with her thumb as she stands. “Let’s get some food in you okay?”
He nods, still not able to look her in the eye.
As he sets the table and Peppa goes back to preparing breakfast, they fall into a comforting silence. He’s grateful she doesn’t pry about his breakdown.
Christopher wakes up just as they’re about to start eating and he joins them. None of them bring up the elephant in the room.
“Are you sure you don’t want me to stay Eddie? Let me help you a little bit, just for the next couple of days!” Peppa insists as they clear the table.
“No, Tia. I’m not going to ask you to do that.”
She huffs out in slight annoyance. “You’re not asking, I’m offering.”
“Okay, but still. You probably have your hands full– besides, it’s nothing new.” Try as she might, Eddie is probably the most stubborn person they know, so they both know that her efforts are futile.
She must realize this too because she puts a halt in her cleaning to study him, whatever it is she was looking for she finds and nods, giving up. “Fine, but at least let me help you cook. I don’t want my nephews eating junk food 24/7.”
Ok, he can live with that. “Okay, thank you.”
“How do you feel about coming over tomorrow around 3 for some chiles rellenos?”
Eddie’s mouth waters at the mention of his favorite food. “How about 4? I have an appointment at 2:30 that I can’t miss.”
Curiosity takes over his tia’s expression. “Oh? What’s it for?”
He sighs, regretting having brought it up. “Therapy. My captain, Chim– you met him at the funeral– he’s not letting me go back to work until I’ve had at least one session and even then he wants me to go regularly for a while.”
“Your captain sounds like a wise man.”
…
Early June, 2025:
All three of them– Eddie, Buck, and Chris– had decided to go to the zoo for old time’s sake one day. The day would have been perfect had it not been for Buck’s bad leg deciding to act up. As much as he tried to hide it, Eddie knew that the pain was discomforting.
That night, when they get back home, he decides to let Buck have his bed for the night. Once Buck goes to shower he grabs Buck’s pillow and blanket from the hallway closet and takes it to his room. He changes the sheets on his bed before grabbing his own things and taking them to the couch. Once he gets his make-shift bed ready he goes to Chris’ room to say good night before getting ready to go to sleep.
He makes himself as comfortable as he can on his old worn out couch, nearly half asleep when Buck comes out of the shower. Eddie only opens his eyes because Buck grabs one of the decorative pillows from the smaller couch and throws it, aiming right for Eddie’s face.
“You’re in my bed!”
“Am not, this is my bed tonight,” Eddie responds as he throws the pillow back at Buck.
Unlike Eddie, Buck had not had his eyes closed so he sees the pillow coming and manages to catch it before it hits him. Eddie lifts himself off the couch a few inches using his elbows as support and frowns at Buck for not letting him get his revenge.
Buck sets the pillow back in its place as he talks, “Eddie, I am not taking your bed. It’s not fair.” He turns back to Eddie and yanks the blanket off of him, “get up and go to bed.”
Eddie grabs the blanket again and wraps himself in it. “No. You shouldn’t be sleeping on a crappy couch when your leg has been bothering you all day. Besides, it's not unfair if I’m offering it.” He turns around so his back is now facing Buck.
He hears his friend groan and shift around a little. It lasts for a few seconds, but eventually his ruckus dies down and he can no longer hear him. Maybe he actually listened to him for once? He turns around again just to make sure and he doesn’t see him, but then he looks to the floor and sees a blob of blankets. He sits up to get a better look, and eventually he sees a head of dirty blonde hair peeking out from under the blankets.
“Oh, you have got to be kidding me!”
Buck lifts his head a little to peer over his blankets and shoots Eddie a mischievous smile before plopping back down on his pillow. Eddie lifts himself off the couch and gently kicks at Buck, “Get up!” His friend simply snuggles up into his blankets further, completely ignoring him. “Okay, fine!”
Eddie walks over to Buck’s head and yanks his pillow from underneath it, causing his head to fall onto the floor making a loud ‘thunk’ echo around the living room. “OWW!”
Eddie, stifling a laugh, grabs a hold of the blanket and pulls. “Come on, at this point neither of us will sleep. We can just share.”
Buck sits, smirking up at him, “Wow Diaz, not even gonna ask me out first?”
This time Buck is too distracted to see the pillow going for his face and the quiet ‘oomf’ he lets out finally sends Eddie bursting out into a fit of laughter. Soon enough, Buck joins too and they stay like that for a while. Both clutching their stomachs with one hand and the other covering their mouths so as to not wake Chris up. It’s then that Eddie realizes it’s the first time since Bobby’s death that they’ve truly laughed, like full belly laugh to the point both their stomachs and cheeks hurt from the force of it. He slowly quiets down and takes in the sight that is Evan Buckley laughing and he’s hit with an overwhelming sense of relief and pride at being the reason for it.
“Come on Buckley,” he offers his friend a hand and he takes it. Once he’s up on his feet, they both grab their pillows and blankets and walk over to Eddie’s room.
Eddie’s not particularly picky on which side of the bed he sleeps on, but he knows Buck likes sleeping on the left, so he makes himself comfortable on the right. Once they’re both in bed, he reaches over to the lamp on his bedside drawer and turns it off.
“Good night, Buck.”
“Good night.”
It’s not as awkward as he thought it’d be.
They share the bed again the next night, and the night after that, and the night after that. After the fifth night, Eddie suggests they share the bed until Buck finds a place. He’s reluctant at first, but ultimately he agrees.
…
July 23rd, 2025
Eddie hasn’t been able to sleep in his bed since that night. He can’t stand the feeling of a half empty bed, can’t stand staring at the empty space where Buck should be. He alternates between the couch and the floor in Chris’ room when they both can’t stand to sleep alone.
And even then, he barely sleeps at all.
He’d gotten used to sleeping with Buck at his side.
He sits up from his makeshift bed on the floor of Chris’ room. Today is his therapy appointment, the first one in quite a while. For a split second he thinks about cancelling, but he doesn’t really have a choice if he wants to return to work. He lets his face fall into his hands and lets out a silent groan into them.
Chris– still sleeping in his bed– shifts a little before his quiet snores continue. He cleans up his pillow and blankets as quietly as he can, and goes to get ready.
“Edmundo Diaz?”
Eddie looks up at the sound of his name being called. Frank waits for him at the door. Of course. He should’ve known it’d be Frank he’d be having his appointment with.
It’s not that Eddie doesn’t like the guy, he’s pretty decent. He just doesn’t like that Frank knows how to get inside his brain.
Frank wastes no time in getting started. Eddie’s barely lowering himself down onto the chair in his office when Frank asks, “so, how have you been? It’s been quite a while.”
“I’m alright.” He’s not proud of lying, but he wants to go back to work as soon as he can.
Frank’s eyebrows quirk up at Eddie’s response, he grabs a pen and writes something down in his notebook. “We wouldn’t be here if that were true.”
Eddie holds back on an eye roll. Did he have to be good at his job? Well he might as well get straight to the point then. “My partner died.”
Frank lowers his pen and brings his attention back up to Eddie, clearly surprised by his willingness to open up to him– and by the unexpected news. “I’m sorry to hear that. When you say partner, you mean Buck right? Your work partner?”
Eddie inhales sharply, willing the tears to stay put. “Yeah, Buck.”
“I know how important he was to you, I can’t imagine what this must feel like. How did he pass, if you don’t mind me asking?”
‘Important’ doesn’t even begin to cover the role that Buck had in his life, but he doesn’t comment on that.
“Drunk driver, he was crossing a street when they ran a red.”
Frank does a double take at this. “Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t that how your ex-wife–”
Eddie cuts him off before he can finish asking his question, knowing exactly what he was going to ask. “Yup.”
Frank studies him for a second before he’s back to writing in his journal. As he’s taking notes, he continues, “that’s… an incredibly painful parallel. I can only imagine how disorienting that must feel— to lose someone so close, in the same way again.”
Eddie leans back in his chair, the ceiling looking particularly more interesting now. He huffs out a forced laugh before he answers. “Yeah, life’s got quite the sense of humor…”
“It is quite the coincidence… but they’re also not the same. Both losses affect you differently.” He gives him a moment to take this information in before continuing. “Can I ask you what he meant to you?”
Eddie brings his attention back to the man in front of him. “He’s my best friend.” He’s pretty sure he had established this in past sessions.
Frank closes his journal. “I’m aware of this, I was asking more so to get a deeper understanding of what losing him means to you.”
It means a lot of things.
It means a Buck shaped hole will permanently reside in his life.
It means having to find someone else to entrust Chris with if anything were to happen to him.
It means a year from now Eddie will be a year older, but Buck will remain the same age.
It means Eddie will have to grow old without his best friend, his partner, by his side.
It means so many things, an infinite amount of things, overwhelming things. Things he won’t get into with Frank today.
“It means…” He sighs.
He won’t get into it today, not too deep anyways, but being a little honest won’t hurt.
“He knew me better than anyone. Probably better than I knew myself. He always understood me, even without me having to explain myself.”
Frank smiles at him. “That kind of connection is rare.”
Eddie looks down at his hands and quietly corrects Frank, “he was rare.” He clears his throat and looks back up, blinking his tears away. “And now he’s gone.”
“Losing someone like him would shake anyone’s world, how have you been coping with the loss?”
He shifts uncomfortably in his seat. “I… I haven’t really been sleeping I guess.”
Frank nods. “It’s a pretty common response after losing someone. Why exactly have you not been able to sleep? Is it nightmares, racing thoughts?…”
For a second he doesn’t plan on telling Frank about the fact that he and Buck had been sharing a bed together, but then he remembers: patient confidentiality. “Ummm… I haven’t been able to sleep in my bed… or without him.”
Frank's eyes widen slightly, under different circumstances he would’ve found it funny. But right now he’s sweating, wondering how Frank will respond to this new information.
“Just to clarify— when you say you can’t sleep without him, you mean you guys would sleep together?”
Eddie simply nods.
“Were you guys in a relationship?”
“No. No, we were just sharing a bed. It’s a long story. He had been staying at my house and well I don’t have a guest room so… I guess I just got used to having someone to fall asleep with.”
Frank nods slowly, processing. He continues writing in his journal. “You mentioned you haven’t been able to sleep in your bed, I’m assuming this is since he passed?”
Once again Eddie nods in response.
“How long has it been since the accident?”
He doesn’t have to do the math. He’s been keeping count from the very moment he learned the news. “17 days, 15 hours, and…” He looks up at the clock, “35 minutes now.”
Frank’s expression softens, brows slightly knitting together; not in confusion but with empathy. “You remember it precisely, that tells me a lot about how deeply this has affected you…” The older man sighs and looks up to the clock himself. “Since our session is coming to an end, I’ll end it with this: grief is a nonlinear process, and whatever it is you feel at any moment is valid. I’m going to assign you some homework-”
Eddie can’t help the small groan that escapes from him. “I haven’t been in school for over a decade, I never thought I’d get homework again.”
His therapist smiles and shakes his head. “I know clients don’t normally like homework but, just try it. You don’t even have to get a 100% on it, I just want an attempt.”
“Okay… what is it?”
“We don’t want you to never sleep in your bed again so I want you to try to lay in your bed tonight, even if it’s just for a minute or two, you don’t even have to sleep. I just want you to get comfortable in that space again. As time passes I want you to increase the amount of time you spend there so that eventually one day— or in this case night— you’re able to sleep in your bed again. That sound like a plan?”
If Eddie’s honest, the moment the word ‘homework’ was said he’d instantly made up his mind to ignore it. After hearing about the assignment he knew nothing would change his mind.
That is until he walks into his room that night to get ready for the night, and inevitably his bed is there, staring at him. He leans against the doorframe, arms crossed, taking in the sight of his untouched bed.
He stays like that for a while before he sighs, giving in. “I can’t believe I’m actually gonna listen to him,” he mutters under his breath.
The bed still looks the same. Maybe too the same. The blankets still slightly sunken on one side, like the bed itself refuses to forget Buck just as much as him, clinging to every bit of him left behind.
Slowly, he walks over to his bed. He slowly lowers himself down on the edge, just sitting there. He pressed his hands into the mattress like he's testing it for danger, afraid it might just swallow him whole once he’s laid down. His breathing is tight—barely in his chest.
Seconds pass.
Minutes.
Then he lies back.
Just for a moment, but it’s enough.
It’s enough for his eyes to sting almost instantly. He turns his body so that he can face the side that was once Buck’s. He grabs the pillow that belonged to him and holds it tight to his chest and the smell—or maybe the absence of it—undoes something in him.
A choked sound escapes him before he can stop it. It has him curling into himself.
"Please," he whispers into the room. "Please just come back. Just once. I won’t ask again. You don’t even have to say anything. Just… let me see you." His voice cracks. "I don’t care if it’s a dream. I don’t care if it’s in the corner of my eye. I just… I just need to know you’re not gone-gone."
Silence.
He waits. Breath held. Eyes scanning the dimly lit room.
But nothing comes.
So he cries again. Quieter this time.
Silence is the only response he gets.
Once his tears have slowed down, he gently lifts himself up off the bed. He wipes away at the tears left behind on his cheeks.
Just as he’s about to leave the room, he catches sight of the pocket sized bible peeking out from under the bed. Huh. He could’ve sworn he had put it in the very back of one of his drawers.
If Buck were here, he’d probably say it was a sign.
Chills spread across his body.
A sign.
He kneels down and grabs the old thing.
If Bobby were here, he’d probably say the same thing as Buck. He’d probably add that going to church wouldn’t be such a bad idea.
…
Early June, 2025
Eddie is pacing back and forth in the living room. His parents had called him last night advising him that they were going to be flying in the next morning and so he was sent into a spiral. He could barely bat an eye and so instead of waiting for morning, he spent the later half of the night cleaning the entire house.
Now that his parents are about to knock any second and he has nothing left to clean to distract him, he’s left with pacing. Buck walks out of their room and he sees the way he holds back a giggle. Eddie stops, “what?”
Buck takes a seat on the couch and pats down the spot next to him. “You’re spiraling. It won’t be so bad, it’s only a weekend.”
Eddie sighs and obeys. “You’re only saying that because you don’t know them, not truly anyways. They’re… different behind closed doors.”
“Trust me, I know. Have you met my parents?”
“Right… I guess I’m just a little on edge cuz they hated the idea of Chris and I moving back to LA,” Eddie explains.
Buck places a hand on his shoulder, the action slightly eases away his anxieties. “I know, but I doubt they’ll start a fight while I’m here.”
He’s right. The Diazes have never been fond of airing out their family’s dirty laundry for strangers to witness– not that Buck is a stranger, but his parents definitely think otherwise. “You’re right–” He’s cut off by the sound of knocking and just like that all his anxiety comes back.
Buck squeezes his shoulder. “You got this, it’ll be okay.”
And for the most part it is. His parents are surprisingly civil when they come in and Eddie is almost certain he may be dreaming. He keeps waiting for the other shoe to drop, but it doesn’t. They don’t start an argument over LA, they don’t question why Buck is living with them, they don’t even criticize his parenting choices like they usually do. All five of them even go out for breakfast.
Thankfully, they get a hotel, so they don’t find out about their sleeping arrangements.
The following day they spend it at Tia Peppa’s house and they decide to have a carne asada in her backyard as a farewell gift to his parents before they leave that same night. It’s a warm sunny day in June, but the cool breeze serves as a nice relief for the heat. The sound of his family’s laughter fills Eddie’s heart with warmth.
“See! I told you it wouldn’t be so bad,” Buck tells him while the two go inside to help carry out the food.
“I know. It’s a little strange to be honest. It’s not like them.” He grabs the rice off the stove while Buck takes a pack of water.
“I believe you, but let’s just enjoy it.”
“While it lasts,” Eddie adds. It makes Buck laugh, putting a smile out on his own face for being the cause of it.
The sun is just starting to set when they sit down to eat at his Tia’s patio. They pass the food around with laughter and exchange stories as they eat. It’s nice, so nice that for a second Eddie forgets all about the other shoe. It’s a given that it chooses to drop as soon as he’s distracted.
Chris is the first to finish eating out of all of them. “It was so yummy! Abuelo I missed your carne asada!” he says with a smile.
“I’m glad you liked it Chris! I would make it for you more often, pero tu Papi decided to move away. Again,” Ramon responds with an ingenuine laugh.
Eddie’s heart drops and he turns to his left, meeting eyes with Buck who gives him a weak smile. He turns back to his dad, “Papa, por favor. Not now.”
Of course, Helena also has something to say because she jumps in. “He’s right Eddie. We could’ve had more moments like this, but you decided to uproot Chris’ life again. You know this instability is not good for him.”
Tia Peppa stands and holds out a hand to Chris, “mijo, would you come help me make a limonada for us inside?” Eddie sends her a smile as a ‘thank you,’ she nods in response indicating she understands.
Only when the sliding door closes behind the two does Eddie finally respond, “Are you guys serious? I should’ve known better than to get my hopes up! I thought for once, you guys would behave, pero no.”
“Eddie, there’s no reason for you to get this mad!” His mom dares to say.
“Yes! Yes there is. You guys do this all the time, you make it seem like I’m not fit to raise my son!” Eddie’s words are becoming laced with anger at this point.
“Well…” Ramon speaks up.
Eddie scoffs. It’s one thing to imply it, but to actually say it? “Well what?”
“I just– With everything that’s happened; the incidents at your job, the Kim situation, the underground club fighting! I mean it’s not an environment a kid should be raised in. Look at how you’re getting right now? If this is what you’re acting like right now, I can’t imagine what you were like during the underground fight club!”
His anger reaches its boiling point, but he is not about to prove his parents right. “What are you insinuating? That I’d get violent with Chris?!”
“Eddie–”
“You know what, your flight is in a couple of hours, you don’t want to miss it. I’m gonna go grab my keys so I can drop you guys off at the airport. This conversation is over.” And with that Eddie stands up and goes for the door. Hot tears are threatening to spill, but he blinks them away as he enters the house.
He finds his keys on the counter and turns back to tell his parents they’re leaving. Just as he’s about to step outside, he hears Buck speaking in a hushed, but irritated voice. “– not violent. He’s reactive. Life has thrown so many curveballs at him and he responded the way he felt he needed in order to cope. You shouldn’t punish him for doing what he had to do to survive.”
“What are we supposed to do then? Huh?” Helena bites back.
“Love him anyways.”
Much like his parents, Buck’s words leave him stunned. The warmth that spreads through his chest aches, but in a good way, like a tightness in his chest beginning to loosen. He wasn’t sure what to do with it, the way Buck had so casually made it seem like loving Eddie was so easy.
It hits him then that Buck is not obligated to be here, to be in his life, to care for him and his son, or make breakfast for them, help Chris with his homework, guide Eddie back to normality after a panic attack, patch up the cracks he leaves behind with every mess he makes, or care for him despite his flaws, but he does. Buck loves him. Unconditionally. In a way not even his own parents do, and isn’t that something?
And Eddie realizes it then, knew it had been there for so long, living in silence and hiding behind his heart. He hadn’t allowed himself to put a name to it, or even think about it, but it was clear to him now: he was in love with Buck. And the weird part was, it didn’t scare him as much as it should.
“Let's go,” he finally speaks up. They had already planned to drive to the airport from Tia Peppa’s house, so thankfully their things were ready to go. “Go turn on the car, I’ll be out in a minute.”
Ramon takes the keys out of his hands without a word, refusing to look Eddie in the eyes and he along with Helena make their way inside to say goodbye to Peppa and Chris before they head out, leaving Eddie and Buck alone outside. Once he sees that they are out of sight, Eddie turns around and makes his way towards Buck in long strides.
He wraps his arms around him and whispers in his ear, “thank you.” Buck had been taken by surprise by the embrace, but soon enough his arms come around Eddie too.
“For what?”
“Just… for being here.”
…
August 1st, 2025
The last time Eddie had stepped foot in a church was when he first met Father Brian. Before that, it had been when he was a little kid.
He doesn’t really have many fond memories of church. He remembers sitting in the pew of his hometown’s small church, hands folded the way he was taught, knees sore from kneeling, eyes fixed on the crucifix not out of devotion but duty. The church was never really a sanctuary to him— it was a place of silence and obedience he was forced to swallow, of shame dressed up as salvation. The pastor back home spoke of love, but the people behind the altar wielded guilt like scripture, using faith to incite fear. Now, years later, walking into church still makes his stomach turn. He doesn’t know if he believes in God, but he’s certain he doesn’t believe in them— the people who told him questioning meant damnation, or that pain was proof of holiness. Religion was supposed to offer peace, but all it ever gave him was a lifetime of guilt he had learned to carry quietly in order to survive.
Despite this, he still finds himself slipping through the heavy wooden doors with the goal of speaking with Father Brian in mind.
As he makes his way further inside, he spots Father Brian speaking with an elderly woman. He stops and stands awkwardly a few feet away waiting for the priest to notice him. When he does, he gently taps the older woman and excuses himself, making his way towards Eddie. He instantly starts regretting having come, but it’d be rude to run out now, so he stays in place.
“Eddie, right? I didn’t expect to see you anytime soon.” The man holds out a hand, Eddie takes it cautiously. “What brings you here?”
“I wanted to speak with you about something.” At this, Father Brian’s eyebrows quirk up in surprise. “If you don’t have time it’s fine. I–I can see myself out!”
He’s taking a step back, already making his way out when Father Brian speaks up. “Of course! Come!” He waves his hand, motioning for Eddie to follow him and with a sharp exhale he does. He leads them to the front of the church, taking a seat on the first bench. “I’m all ears.”
Eddie shifts his weight on the bench, not able to get comfortable. Maybe it was the hard wood of the bench, or maybe it was the way the giant crucifix looming above the altar seemed to be staring Eddie down. The longer he stared the more it felt like he was unraveling before God himself, letting every nook and cranny laid out in the open for Him to study piece by piece.
His eyes fly down to his hands in his laps. “I don’t know where to start,” he admits in a quiet voice.
“Maybe start with whatever comes to mind first,” Father Brian kindly suggests.
“My best friend– the one I mentioned to you the last time I came– he died…” The last two words come out in a harsh whisper.
“I’m so sorry to hear that. Losing someone... there are no easy words. Especially having to experience it back to back with your captain and now your friend. But please know you're not alone in your grief — not here, never here,” his words are delivered in a soft and steady voice, each word woven with genuine sorrow.
The reminder of the experience of grief having hit him twice in such a short amount of time has him holding back tears. “Yeah… it’s been difficult.”
“I can imagine. If you want to talk about him, I’d be honored to listen.”
Eddie inhales and closes his eyes for a second before responding. “He was an amazing person; kind, funny, and he loved my kid like his own. And he cared about me even though he wasn’t obligated to…” He trails off for a moment, trying to find words. “Sometimes I don’t understand how I got so lucky.”
“It sounds like he was a very important person in your life,” Father Brian takes note.
His jaw tenses, eyes already rimmed red with tears. He opens his mouth, closes it, and swallows hard. “He way my–” his voice breaks, he shakes his head at his weakness. He’s been able to hold back the tears up until this point, but it’s the first time– since Buck died– that he’s about to say it out loud, and he’s not sure he’ll be able to keep his composure once the words have left his lips.
He takes a deep breath, looks the older man in the eye, and does what he came here to do: take a leap of faith. “Joy. He was my joy.”
Father Brian’s expression softens– not in surprise, but in recognition– sorrow filled warmth in his eyes. “Then he was a blessing. And your grief… it speaks to how deeply you loved him.”
“Do you think–” his voice cracks again, and Eddie has to look away again. “Do you think I’ll be able to see him again one day?”
He doesn’t see it, but he’s sure Father Brian smiles at his question. “Yes. I do. And I believe when that day comes, all the love you carried will still be there, waiting…”
His words fill Eddie with relief.
A quiet silence falls over them for a minute.
Father Brian is the one to break the silence. “Did you ever tell him?”
Eddie brings his attention back to him and shakes his head. “No. I never found the right moment to. And I regret it so much.”
“Have you told anyone else?”
“My son knows. I think other people suspect, but…” Despite the fact he’s pretty sure his Tia Peppa and half of the 118 know, he’s not 100% certain. “But it doesn’t really matter who knows because the one person who should’ve known will never know now. All because I was too afraid to say anything.” He drops his head in his hands to stifle the sob that claws its way out of him.
Father Brian’s gaze doesn’t falter. If anything, it softens more, like he is holding his grief in his hands without trying to reshape it. “I hear you. That pain— of words left unsaid— it’s real. And it’s heavy.” He pauses, waiting for Eddie to look back up at him. “But love doesn’t vanish just because it was never spoken out loud. It lives in the choices we make after. In the people we share it with. Maybe… maybe there’s someone who can still hear it. Someone who loved him too. Sometimes telling just one person can bring peace to two.”
…
Mid-June, 2025
“Dad?”
Eddie looks up from his place on the couch to find Chris walking over to him. “Yeah, bud?”
Chris leans his crutches against the couch and settles down in the empty spot beside him. “Can we talk?”
Well that can’t be good can it? Nothing good ever comes from the words ‘can we talk?’ He turns his body so that he is properly facing Chris and in the steadiest voice he can manage he says, “of course! What’s going on?”
Chris is silent for a moment before responding. “Well I was going to ask you exactly that. You’ve been acting strange lately?”
Eddie sighs in relief. He had expected it to be something a little more serious. He doesn’t think he’s been acting strange, so this, this he can handle. “What do you mean?” His kid shifts on the couch, an obvious sign of discomfort. Eddie never wants him to feel uncomfortable around him, especially not to the point where he can’t express his concerns with him. He pats Chris’ shoulder to encourage him.
“Did you and Buck fight?” He finally asks.
“No, no we haven’t. Why?”
“It’s just– you’ve been a little weird these past couple days. Especially around Buck.”
Oh.
Oh, God.
Now it’s Eddie’s turn to shift uncomfortably on the couch. “Really? I don’t think I have–”
“Oh, come on dad! Just yesterday you could barely look him in the eyes. Which I’m pretty sure he caught onto by the way.”
Okay, he will admit, he has been a little weird around Buck since he discovered that a) He was in love with him. And b) That discovery led to him realizing he was gay. So, yes, his newfound awareness of his feelings had him feeling and therefore acting a little different, but he thought he was being subtle. Besides, when he had first realized it, it had felt right. And after all, Eddie does not panic.
Not until now that is because how is he supposed to tell his kid that he’s gay and in love with his best friend who also happens to be an important figure in Chris’ life, the person he trusts most besides Eddie, and the person who would care for him if something were to ever happen to Eddie.
And it’s not like he can lie to Chris. He’s gotten older and therefore wiser, so he would eventually catch onto him. They had also promised to never lie to each other again seeing as how that turned out last time, so really Eddie doesn’t want to lie to Chris. But also, this isn’t exactly a pretty fun conversation to have with your child.
Before Eddie can decide on what to do, Chris decides for him. “Okay, so then if you guys aren’t fighting… Do you have a crush on him?”
Eddie’s jaw drops, he forces it to close, but it drops again not even a second later. “A cr–crush?” He winces at the way his voice cracks. He laughs nervously before continuing, “what makes you say that?”
“You’re acting the way you do when you like someone.” Curse the emotional intelligence and perceptiveness of a fourteen year old boy.
“I am?”
Chris nods his head. “Yep. You acted this way with Miss Flores and with Marisol, but this time it’s like ten times worse. And to my knowledge, you don’t like guys which is why I didn’t immediately think you had feelings, but since you guys aren’t mad, well…”
Coming out to his son is not what he had in mind on his to-do list for the day. It’s also not something that should be making him panic this much; Eddie has been in war, his job puts him in dangerous situations on a daily basis. “If… if I did– have feelings for Buck, that is– would that be okay with you?”
Chris seems to be lost in thought for a few seconds, clearly contemplating Eddie’s question. A bead of sweat drips from his forehead onto his eyebrow, the anticipation killing him. After what seems like an eternity, his kid finally responds.
“Depends…”
Okay! Okay, he can work with this. “On what?”
Chris looks up at Eddie with what he can only describe as embarrassment. “If you two date, and one day you break up, will Buck stay? Because if you can’t promise that he won’t then… then maybe you guys shouldn’t date.” His heart breaks at the way his son’s voice got quieter with each word.
Eddie pulls his son into a tight hug. “I can’t make promises on Buck’s behalf buddy, but I can promise you this: I will never, ever, prevent Buck from seeing you. No matter what happens.”
Chris sighs in relief against his neck. “Okay, good! Then you have my permission to date him.”
Eddie laughs at that as he untangles himself from Chris. “Good to know I have your blessing…” He bites the inside of his cheek. “And you’re really okay with this– I mean– me being… you know?”
His son looks at him with confusion written all over his face. “Why wouldn’t I be? Buck dated a man, and I was okay with it. And Denny has two moms! That means I could have two dads if you and Buck get married!”
“Okay! Slow down there buddy! We aren’t dating. We don’t even know if Buck feels the same way!”
…
August 2nd, 2025
Eddie ultimately decides to take Father Brian’s advice and finds himself ringing the doorbell of the Han-Buckley residence the day after his visit at the church. When the door opens, he’s met with no one. For a second he is awfully confused, but then he looks down and finds Jee staring up at him.
She waves her little hand up at him. “Hi, Eddie!”
“Hi, Princess Jee!” He picks her up and ruffles up her hair, making her giggle. “Where are your mom and dad?”
“Daddy went to the restroom, and mommy is napping. I think she’s really sleepy. She sleeps a LOT. Not like Uncle Buck, but still a lot.” His chest aches when the last sentence registers.
“Oh, sweetie…”
“Jee? Jee, where did you go?!” Chim comes into view, frantically searching for his daughter. When his eyes land on Eddie holding Jee, he instantly relaxes. “Oh! Hey, Eddie! I’m sorry I was in the restroom, come on in.”
He places Jee back down and follows them inside. Jee runs off to her room to play with her dolls, leaving the two men in the living room. Chim offers him a glass of water– to which Eddie politely declines– before they settle down on the couch. “Not that I’m not happy to see you, but what brings you around?”
“I was hoping I could talk to Maddie… I know she hasn’t been doing well– frankly neither have I– I thought maybe since we’re both a little fucked up right now, we could help each other,” Eddie explains nervously.
Chim is taken by surprise, but ultimately seems a little pleased with his offer. “Yeah! I think that’s a great idea… it’s just, she hasn’t really been wanting to come out of the room. But, I’ll go see if she’s up for it.” He pushes himself off the couch and makes his way towards their bedroom.
He’s left alone for a few minutes, but eventually he hears footsteps getting closer and when he looks up he finds a disheveled Maddie walking into the living room. Her hair seemed unkempt, falling onto her shoulders in tangled wisps. Her eyes sunken and shadowed by dark circles indicating a lack of sleep, red-rimmed and swollen from crying. Every step she took was weighed down by exhaustion and grief. She appeared just as he felt on the inside.
“Hey–” she clears her throat, “hey, Eddie. Chim said you wanted to talk?”
He pats the spot next to him. Maddie walks over and makes herself comfortable, pulling her cardigan around her a little tighter. “How have you been?”
Her lip quivers as she responds. “It’s hard. I miss him so much.”
Eddie’s not as close to his sisters as Maddie was to Buck, but if anything were to happen to them, he thinks he would go insane. He can’t even begin to imagine what she’s going through. And to think it’s not even the first time she’s going through it. She shouldn’t have gone through it at all. As the oldest, she shouldn’t have had to live through the funerals of both her younger siblings. Yet, here she is, the only Buckley sibling left standing.
“Yeah. Yeah me too.” Eddie wipes away a stray tear.
Maddie looks him in the eyes for the first time that day and gives him a weak smile. “I can imagine. You two were really close… You were good for him. He needed you to keep him out of trouble.”
Eddie laughs at that. “Yeah, maybe. But I think I needed him more than he did.”
His confession has Maddie furrowing her eyebrows. “How so?”
“Well, I think he brought out the best in me, you know?” Maddie nods for him to continue. “When I first joined the 118 I had swore that I wasn’t going to get too close to anyone, but Buck just came in and he broke down every single one of my walls. He weaved himself into my life before I even got the chance to realize it, but by then it was too late. I knew I wouldn’t be able to let him go. He was like– like the soft glow of dusk, not bright enough to the point that’s blinding, but just enough to push back the dark.”
Tears well up in Maddie’s brown eyes and his eyes do the same. “Yeah, I felt that way with him too. He always made me feel so warm, and safe…” A quiet sob escapes her lips. She bites her bottom up lip to stop another from doing the same and looks down at her hands in her lap.
Eddie shifts a little closer to her and grabs a hold of one of her hands with both of his. “Can I tell you something?” His heart is pounding so fast, he’s scared it might burst out of his chest. Maddie looks back up at him and she nods. He takes in a deep breath and pleads to his heart for it to quiet down. It doesn’t. But he came here with the intention of coming clean to Maddie, so that’s what he’s going to do.
“I think– no, I know, that I…” He takes in another deep breath and shakily exhales. “I was in love with him…”
She takes her free hand and places it on top of his, their hands now stacked one on top of the other. The tears that had been pooling in her eyes spill over and streak down her cheeks. “Oh, Eddie…”
His own tears break free and he curls inward. “I should’ve told him before he– I regret not telling him so fucking much. I’m grieving him and what could’ve been. I’m grieving something that was never mine to begin with and never will be. And I don’t know what to do with myself…”
Maddie cups his cheek with her warm hand and for a second Eddie knows what it’s like to have an older sister. He thinks life wouldn’t have been so hard on him if he had had Maddie at his side growing up. “I’m sorry that you didn’t get to tell him. If it’s any consolation, I am pretty certain he felt the same way. The way he looked at you… that’s not the way you look at someone who is just a friend. But Eddie, he wouldn’t want you to dwell on the ‘what ifs.’ None of us knew what would happen. Even if you had told him, chances are, it still would’ve happened…”
He blinks back more tears “I know… I know.” He takes in a steady breath and sniffles before adding, “And I also know that he wouldn’t want you to be doing this to yourself. Everyone is worried about you, and I know he would have been too.”
Maddie sighs at his subtle reprimand. “You’re right… but it isn’t easy.”
“I know, but we all have each other. I’m not the best at confiding in others, but I think that if we want to move forward, we’re gonna have to grieve together. And we don’t really have much of a choice either because we have little ones counting on us.”
She smiles at him. “Okay.”
“Okay… What do you think about visiting Buck together this weekend?”
Maddie closes her eyes, tears falling down at the action, and nods.
…
June 28th, 2025
“Man, my head is killing me!” Eddie rubs at his temples as he takes the middle seat on the couch. Buck and Chris both love the corners of the couch, so he always ends up having to sit in the middle. They have the next day off, so the three of them decided to have a movie night, but Eddie’s headache is disrupting their plans.
Buck turns to him, “have you drank anything for the pain?”
“Nah, we don’t have anything. Ran out a couple days ago, haven’t gotten the chance to restock.”
“Want me to make a quick run to the corner store?” Buck starts getting up before he even finishes asking.
Eddie grabs a hold of his sleeve before he can go any further. “No, it’s fine. It’s too late anyways. Besides, I’m sure it’ll pass on its own.”
Buck stares at him, not too convinced, but eventually he caves in and once again settles himself back onto the couch. “Okay, if you say so…” He looks lost in thought for a few moments as if he’s trying to recall something. “Oh! When I was younger and I would get headaches, Maddie would massage my head and surprisingly it always worked. Do you want me to?...” he trails off, face filling with embarrassment at his offer.
Eddie should really say no knowing what the risks are of Buck giving him a massage, or of his touch alone, but he’s reaching desperate levels so he nods. As soon as he gives him the confirmation, Buck looks instantly relieved. “Okay, uhh I would normally just lay on Maddie’s lap and she’d massage me… is that ok?”
Again, Eddie should really proceed with caution, or say he changed his mind, but Eddie was never really skilled in self-restraint so he lifts his legs up onto the couch above Christophers’– who rolls his eyes with a smile– and lowers his head down onto Buck’s lap.
Buck’s fingers find his scalp. He’s gentle at first, but after a few seconds his movements become firmer. His thumbs move in circular motions on his temples, slowly easing the pain away. Eventually, Buck finds the spot with the most tension. The pressure he applies draws out a shaky exhale from Eddie. It’s nice; the pain slowly subsides and eventually he’s only left with the tender and addictive feeling of Buck’s fingers working their way through his scalp.
After a few minutes, Buck’s movements start getting lazy until eventually he’s just carding his fingers through Eddie’s mussed hair. With his headache nearly gone, Eddie becomes aware of just how comfortable the position he is in is. He dozes off.
When he wakes– having missed nearly half of the movie– it’s because his headache is back. He groans in pain as he lifts himself off of Buck’s lap who had not moved the entire time he had been sleeping. Eddie instantly misses the warmth.
“It came back?” Buck asks.
All Eddie can respond with is a simple “mhmm.”
“Okay, I’m going to the store. My massage may have worked for a little, but we need a more permanent solution,” Buck says as he gets up onto his feet. Before Eddie can protest, Buck’s hand gently cups his cheek, thumb slightly rubbing his skin, “I want you to sleep well tonight. I promise I won’t take long.” And with that he grabs his keys off the coffee table and leaves a dumbfounded Eddie staring at the door with one of his hands reaching towards the now empty spot where Buck’s hand had been.
“So… when are you going to tell him?” The question snaps Eddie out of his trance. Chris is still on his spot on the couch grinning up at him from ear to ear.
“I don’t– I can never find the right moment to…”
“That– whatever that was– would’ve been a GREAT moment.” He’s not sure why, but Chris sounds slightly annoyed with him. “Tell him when he comes back.”
Eddie’s eyes go wide. “What?! No!”
“If you don’t tell him I will!” Before he can protest, Chris speaks up again, “look, I am like 99.9% sure Buck feels the same way. My friends and I don’t look at each other all gross like you guys do.”
Eddie scoffs, “Rude… you think so?”
“YES! And if I’m wrong, well– actually, there’s no if, I’m not wrong,” Chris says matter of factly.
That draws out a laugh from him, and actually does wonders to ease his anxiety.
“Okay, when he comes back…”
…
Present:
Just as they had agreed, both Eddie and Maddie go to visit Buck’s grave on the weekend. It’s a bright and sunny day, a stark contrast to the day of the funeral. The cemetery is nearly empty, with just a handful of others scattered around the area.
They both had unknowingly brought Buck the same roses, laughing when they had caught sight of one another and realized. Each of them places one bouquet on either side of Buck’s tombstone.
They stay there for a little bit, sharing stories of Buck. Maddie tells Eddie what he was like when he was a little kid; the horrifying risks he would take and the heart attacks he’d give his parents.
Eddie tells her about every little facet of Buck’s being that made him fall in love with the man; his unconditional love for Christopher, his selfless demeanor, the way he loved so deeply for others.
They cry– a lot.
But they also laugh.
Eventually the sun starts to set, and Maddie has to leave. They hug each other goodbye, and Eddie waits until she’s out of sight before he turns to Buck’s grave, lowering himself down in front of it to say what he’s been wanting to say since they arrived.
He looks around, just to make sure no one else is nearby to hear him and clears his throat before he begins. “I’ve never really believed in fate or any of that stuff but…” He looks up to the sky and closes his eyes, he really doesn’t want to start crying again. “How incredibly lucky is it that we got to exist at the same time? Meeting you– loving you– has been one of the greatest privileges of my entire life.”
He looks back down and takes in a shaky breath. “If we had had more time, I would’ve loved you the way you deserved, the way I wanted to. But the universe–” he imagines the way Buck would smile knowingly at him. “Yes, Buck, the universe… had other plans. And even though it pisses me off how fucked up it is, I’m grateful to be sitting here and grieving you because… because that just means I got to experience what it was like to have loved THE Evan Buckley. You were the greatest thing to have happened to me and Chris, and I don’t think I will ever stop loving you.”
For one fleeting moment, Eddie expects some sort of reply, but it never comes.
He runs his hand along the smooth stone until he’s tracing the indentations of Evan Buckley. He stands up and walks back to his car alone.
That night, for the first time in over a month, Eddie sleeps in his bed again.
…
Eddie wakes up to the smell of pancakes. Tia Peppa must have let herself in to make him and Chris breakfast like she has done the past couple of weeks. He huffs out a laugh, the act of love filling his chest with warmth. He doesn’t think he could’ve survived losing Buck without his family at his side through the grieving process.
He lifts himself off the bed and goes to exit his room. Just as he passes his bedside drawer he notices that the digital clock resting on top of it is distorted. Must be broken.
He makes his way down the hallway and out into his living room– or what should be his living room. The pictures on the mantelpiece are different, his furniture is rearranged, and the walls are a different color.
His tia has some explaining to do.
Eddie continues to study his home as he walks into the kitchen to ask what Peppa has done to his home. “Tia! Did you do something to the–”
Standing where he thought his aunt would be is a familiar blonde in only a pair of Eddie’s sweats at the stove flipping pancakes. He must’ve heard him because he turns around to face him and the brightest smile he has ever seen spreads across the man’s face. “Eddie! You’re up! I was just making us breakfast.”
Eddie’s jaw drops slightly, he closes it only for it to open again. He can’t breathe. His feet won’t move, he’s frozen in place. He should do something. He should say something. Anything! Why won’t any words come out?
“Come on!” Buck grabs two plates from one of the cupboards and takes them to the table. “Food’s gonna get cold.”
Eddie hadn’t realized he was crying until he reaches up to wipe away the tears on his face. “Bu–” his breath catches, and he shakes his head. This isn’t happening. This–
But he had asked for this hadn’t he?
Buck’s smile drops and in its place a frown takes place, expression filled with worry. “Eddie? What's wrong?”
“You’re not— you can’t be— you’re… you died.”
A sad smile makes its way onto Buck’s face, he takes a few steps forward until he’s right in front of Eddie and takes a hold of his forearms gently. “I know,” he says softly.
It’s too much— his voice, his warm touch, the casualty of it all, like the past couple of weeks were just a cruel joke.
But they're not.
Because Buck died.
He died, and he can’t be standing in Eddie’s kitchen. Not when Eddie had spent the last several weeks sobbing, begging, and praying to anything and anyone who would listen for them to give him his best friend and greatest love back. Not when Eddie and all of their loved ones buried Buck six feet under ground, never to be seen again.
“How?” He manages to ask, his voice barely there.
“I wanted to see you again.”
Eddie feels his face twist, brows pinched, lips trembling, eyes filling quickly with more tears. Of course Buck found a way back for him.
He lets his head fall forward onto Buck’s bare chest. “I miss you,” he whispers.
Buck’s hand comes up to Eddie’s hair, carding through strands just like that night; while the other makes its way around his waist. He lets his chin rest on top of Eddie’s head. It sends a shiver down his spine. “I know, I miss you too,” Buck replies into his hair.
“I don’t know how to…” He lifts his head to make eye contact with Buck. Oh, how he had missed his blue eyes. “I can’t do this without you.”
Buck lowers his hand where it had been playing with Eddie’s hair to cup one side of his face. “You can… you have already. Before we met. You’ll do it again.”
Eddie pushes himself out of Buck’s grasp. “Well, maybe I don’t want to!” He doesn’t like that he’s lashing out, not when Buck is here, in his kitchen, just like he had wished for so many times. But the mere thought of him being gone again has his heart palpitating in a way it never had before, even worse than the very first panic attack he had.
Buck follows him, taking the two steps forward that he had taken backward. This time he holds Eddie’s face in both his hands. “I don’t want to either… If I could, I would choose to stay here with you and Chris, but we both know that’s not possible.”
Eddie shakes his head. “Please– please Buck, I never even got to tell you how much I love you!” A gut wrenching sob claws its way out of him as he speaks the last three words.
“But you did,” Buck places soft kisses on both of Eddie’s temples. “You might not have said it, but I felt it.
“I should’ve said it though…” Eddie says, defeated. “We could’ve had a great life together.”
“We would have had a beautiful life, baby… but the time I did spend with you– as short as it might have been– was worth it. I would do it all over again even if the outcome was the same.”
Eddie wraps Buck into a tight hug, digging his fingers into his back. They stay like that, just the two of them existing, like the rest of the world ceased to exist.
“I love you so much,” Eddie whispers into the crook in between Buck’s neck and shoulder.
“I love you too.”
…
Eddie wakes up to the smell of pancakes. Tia Peppa must have let herself in to make him and Chris breakfast like she has done the past couple of weeks. He huffs out a laugh, the act of love filling his chest with warmth. He doesn’t think he could’ve survived losing Buck without his family at his side through the grieving process.
He thinks he had a dream last night, but he can’t quite remember what it was about.