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Evan Buckley knew he wasn't normal.
Was anybody really?
Ever since he'd turned the ripe age of six and his older sister had saved up the last three months of her allowance money to buy him the entire DVD collection of their favorite series, Evan had always felt like their was a rift between him and the other children.
It was the crack of dawn when his sister shook him awake, shouting a very enthusiastic — “Happy Birthday!” — as she popped a confetti blaster over his bed and watched the pieces of colorful paper float around them until they eventually made their way to the duvet or carpeted floor.
At the time he wasn't thinking about how much of a pain it would be to clean up later, he kicked his covers off of him and jumped up with a big, child-like grin on his face.
Maddie trapped him in a bear hug the second his bare feet landed on the cold hardwood floor, “Happy sixth birthday, Evan.”
He wrapped his arms around her waist and thanked her happily, then she directed his attention to the mountain of DVDs stacked up on his desk, a bow stuck to the highest one.
The DVD player to the side was also Maddie's, but he pointedly didn't comment on it after she said it was all his.
Truth be told, Evan wasn't a dumb kid.
Like how he knew his parents were always at arms length but wouldn't hesitate to be there if he was injured, or how they never talked about their feelings or urged their children to do so with theirs. They weren't too fond of nicknames, or of Evan for that matter, and it was fine him.
After all, he had the best older sister in the world.
So, yeah, Evan wasn't expecting anything for his birthday.
That's why he was so giddy to receive a bunch of old thrifted movies from his older sister and was more than happy to indulge her in eating her slightly raw chocolate chip pancakes.
“For the occasion,” she had exclaimed.
And Evan loved her far too much to decline her offer, didn't even tell her that he could still taste the raw egg.
Their parents were busy at work, or so Maddie had said.
But Evan was pretty sure they were going out of their way so they didn't have to see his face, especially today of all days. They never did own up to their mistakes. Evan being that.
Even years later, he still remembered the day vividly.
It was midday and the Buckley siblings had just binged the most recent Simpson episodes before Maddie went up into her room to call a couple of friends on her flip phone and promising she would be right back down.
Evan was outside, bored out of his mind, debating on whether he should continue to see how far he could kick rocks or go back inside and continue to watch without Maddie.
Then he showed up.
Stood across the street, hands to his side like a soldier standing at attention.
There was something wrong about him.
Maybe it was the way he moved, fluidly like water rushing past you. Like a sudden breeze that caught you off guard you got a chill.
Or maybe the way his smile didn't quite reach his eyes, his dark, colorless, sunken eyes.
He couldn't quite pin it, didn't get why the hairs on his neck stood up when their eyes locked. Or why he got goosebumps on his skin.
Evan got the feeling that he was seeing something he wasn't supposed to be. And he wanted to turn away. Knew he had to.
Then the feeling of child-like curiosity bubbled up in his belly and crawled it's way to his throat until the words were on the tip of his tongue and he was blurting — “Want to play?” — before he realized what he was saying.
The boy, slightly older than himself, smiled and nodded, looking both ways before crossing the road.
Evan learned his name was Daniel and he was eight years old, apparently he liked riding his bike back home. But he didn't know how to get back.
“I'm lost,” he'd admitted after failing to toss a pebble into the storm drain, both deflating as they watched it roll away.
The younger boy looked up at him, at his ash blond hair that was wavy all around, at his white baseball cap down to his button up shirt and khaki jeans. His eyes were hollow and he had dark eyebags, he was pale and looked sickly.
“Do you...” he thought for a moment about what to do before coming up with a brilliant plan, he pushed himself to stand abruptly, getting slightly dizzy at the sudden movement. “I can get Maddie to call someone for you!”
Daniel's sunken eyes widened, then a moment later, the corners of his lips twitched and he wore a large smile.
Like he'd found what he was looking for without even trying
“Okay,” he agreed easily and followed Evan up the driveway to the front door.
Turns out they didn't even have to go far because before they even made up past the porch, Maddie pulled the door open and stepped out with a concerned frown.
“Evan, were you talking to somebody?”
Her head tilted upwards, staring up at her bedroom window for only a moment, then her eyes trailed past Evan and Daniel to the curb where the two boys were sitting previously.
Evan tilted his head to the side, having to angle it upwards just to look her in the eyes. Then he looked towards Daniel who was wearing a teary eyed expression, his smile softer. Smiling like he recognized her, like she was the one he'd been searching for.
And Maddie...
It's like she couldn't even see him. Looking right through him.
“Evan?”
Fingers snapped in front of him and he flinched, taking a step back and almost tumbling off the stairs.
“Sorry— what?” He asked, looking back up. She looked worried
Maddie sighed, shaking her head tiredly, “I asked who you were talking with.” She placed a hand on his shoulder protectively, glancing around the empty road again in hopes of seeing someone that was right in front of her.
“With him,” he pointed at Daniel, or where he'd thought Daniel was because that's where he'd last seen him. But when he saw he wasn't there, he looked back and realized he was staring at the siblings from a safe distance. “Daniel.” He motioned with his hands to the boy who was being weirdly quiet.
Maddie's expression dropped entirely.
Her jaw fell open and closed, again and again. Eyes as wide as saucers and nose flaring.
For a second, Evan thought she might be angry. At him. For what? He didn't know. Possibly for bringing a random kid here, or because... Because... He didn't have anything else.
“What?”
She choked out, a gasp more than it was a question.
Then she had this horrified expression on her face, the same one she got when their parents came home earlier than expected and they were doing something they weren't supposed to be doing.
Only this time... Evan didn't understand what the problem was.
Instinctively, after seeing her face, he looked towards the end of the street with her. Scared that their parents car would be pulling up into the driveway before they got this mess, which couldn't even be classified as a mess because Evan didn't get it, cleaned up.
Daniel was still standing there with the same dewy-eyed look.
Maddie forced him to look away, shaking him with the hands that had found their way to his shoulders. Not harshly, or forceful, but enough to knock him back into reality and face her eyes.
The hands that had once been soft and cradling, that had disinfected his cuts when his parents were too busy arguing, and had locked in dozens of promises with him over the years, now felt like an anchor pulling him down. Her fingernails dug into his skin, uncaring of the thin shirt he had on that didn't offer much protection against her, Evan was sure if she realized she was hurting him she would stop immediately.
But Evan didn't know how to tell his older sister that her nails were hurting him when she had such a pained look in his eyes.
“Evan—” She knelt down to stare at him closer to his eye level, her voice was wobbly and her eyes glossed over with unshed tears. “Wha—” She gulped, hesitating, “Who's Daniel?”
It looked like it hurt her physically to say that name.
Evan was lost here.
Daniel appeared beside him just as she asked that, and the youngest boy thinks he was grasping the situation a little bit more now.
Maddie couldn't see him, but Evan could.
Which only really left one plausible explanation for this whole mess.
“Tell her that she knows who I am.” He slowly turned his head to the side once more, coming face to face with his hollow eyes.
Only now did Evan notice the wardrobe change and his daunting form. Now he wore a white and blue hospital down, tubes were sticking out of his arms and looked more sickly than before. He looked exhausted.
He wore a hospital bracelet.
“He–he said.... That you know who he is.”
Maddie gasped and collapsed into him, her forehead falling into his shoulder.
“Daniel?” She called out, looking around, then her eyes landed back on Evan, “Dan-Daniel, he's here?”
He nodded once and she sobbed.
Evan finally got a good look at the white bracelet, mostly because Daniel held it up for him to read.
Buckley, Daniel
Oncology Ward
XX,XX, 1992
“Evan,” he smiled at him, placed a hand on his shoulder in a way that was meant to be comforting but only made his skin crawl. “I'm sorry it had to be this way. I was so excited to be an older sibling.”
He has had, he corrected himself, an older brother and his name was Daniel Buckley.
“Can you tell Maddie something for me, bud?”
Evan, finding himself unable to do much, nodded dumbly.
“First, tell her I'm sorry our parents made her promise to keep me a secret.”
He nodded again, “Maddie... He wants to talk to you.”
“Evan, you're talking crazy!”
She screamed and he flinched backwards, instinctively trying to put distance between the two of them but she wasn't letting go of his shirt. Maddie apologized instantly, regret lacing her features, continuing to apologized profusely.
The younger brother only shook his head, urging on even as tears threatened to spill, “He wants you know, that–that he's sorry you've had to keep him secret from me.” His voice was wobbly now, but he didn't care because his sister, his unbreakable, strong, fearless sister was breaking down in front of him and covering her mouth with her palm.
Now Evan knew she believed him.
Even with how absurd it all sounded.
Ghosts.
She believed him.
Because Evan was a horrible liar, and he would never purposefully make his wonderful sister sob this way.
“I'll always watch over you two,” he stood above them both, seeming to appear bigger than his frail body really was. He placed a hand on either of their backs, Maddie flinched.
She gasped as her eyes found the source, landing on her empty shoulder but there was a wet smile on her face now as she wiped her cheeks. No doubt she was feeling the grounding presence and cold air that their brothers was passing onto them. He wasn't solid, so Daniel had to hover his hands above them slightly so they could feel him.
“That's Daniel?” She looked back up at him expectantly, when he nodded, he laugh sounded like it hurt.
“He said that,” he cut himself off with sniffle, Maddie rubbed his arm affectionately, urging him to go on, “he'll always watch over us.” Evan forced himself to continue, despite the words itching his throat.
Daniel kept speaking, some things Evan didn't understand but he relayed word for word to Maddie who just nodded and sobbed.
The teenager girl asked if Daniel could hear her, he nodded numbly and she squeezed his shoulder. Maddie looked to the side, to where she assumed her brother was standing.
Evan didn't think it was his right to call him his brother.
He didn't know about him until half an hour ago.
Nor did he know anything about him other than his name, age, and what he'd died from.
It didn't feel right.
She was a little off, and the six-year-old couldn't muster up the words to correct her, only used his small hands to adjust her head properly.
“Daniel, I love you so so much,” she whispered shakily, like she was confessing a secret in the dark privacy of her bedroom or writing in her diary.
Which, technically, she was.
Daniel was a secret. A forbidden word that shouldn't be uttered in this household.
Said boy was watching his sister solemnly, a distant look in his eyes now but there was at least a glimmer and he didn't look at soulless. He was staring at a version of his older sister who he didn't recognize anymore despite their previous close age difference.
“There's so much I–I want to say to you... But—” She cut herself off sharply with an inhale, her crying abruptly stopping, “I want—I want you to know... That it's okay, Daniel.”
Evan was still lost.
But Daniel... Daniel, he seemed to understand what she meant, because he looked towards the STOP sign at the end of the street like he saw something. Evan followed his gaze to land on nothing but a bird flying past.
“It's okay for you to let go.”
The two boys eyes locked, Daniel spoke first, shakily, “Is that...” he gulped, “Is that what that light is?”
Evan shook his head, “You're the only one that can see it.”
Daniel nodded, looked up at Maddie, “Please tell her goodbye for me, Evan.” His voice sounded pleading, and it suddenly crossed Evan's mind that they technically weren't that different in age. Physically or mentally. Only Daniel's steady voice and calm expressions had made the young boy forget that he wasn't the same age as their sister anymore.
“Maddie,” once her attention was back on him he continued, “he's saying goodbye.”
She smiled softly, nodding, bringing Evan into a huge a mumbling a question thank you under her breath.
“Goodbye, Daniel.”
Daniel grinned, both of his hands retracting back to his side, now he looked back at his brother.
“You'll be okay, Evan, I know you will.”
He didn't nod, he looked down at his feet and let himself be pulled down by brunette girl so they could side side by side on the steps.
Evan watched Daniel slowly walk away, from them, from the driveway, as he crossed the street.
And then he blinked, and the boy they were supposed to call brother was gone.
Unlike him, Maddie wasn't watching Daniel. She couldn't. Instead, she was watching the blond, blue-eyed boy, studying the expressions he made.
When Daniel disappeared, it felt like a weight had been lifted off his chest and he could breathe again. He took in a deep breath and felt his shoulders deflate, curling in on himself.
“He's gone, then?”
“Yeah,” he exhaled.
“Evan, we have to talk.”
There was a lot to talk about apparently, because they hid in Maddie's room long after their parents had come home. No birthday surprise in sight, not that he'd been expecting or hoping for one at this point.
They couldn't talk about Daniel, or what he'd seen or what had happened today in front of their parents. And for safe measures, not even while their parents were in the house. They had to be at least a mile away. At least.
Thankfully, Maddie let him ask as many questions as he wanted about Daniel. Like, what he was like, if he liked sports, what his favorite color was, did he love Evan?
Actually, he hadn't asked the last question no matter how much he'd itched to, Evan didn't really want to know the answer.
Did a boy who was once excited to be an older brother still love him even if Evan couldn't save him?
Apparently, the cells failed to graft, ultimately leading to Daniel's premature death. Whatever that means. But Evan knew it was his fault, a part of him also recognized that he didn't have any control over science, so Maddie had comforted. It didn't help him not blame himself though.
This whole situation actually explained a ton, about why their parents were the way they were around him.
He was a living reminder of what they had lost, of what Evan has made them lose.
He didn't want to know if he wanted a dead person's love or not. So he tucked that into a box and kept the question safe in the back of his brain storage for... Hopefully never.
Another thing, apparently their grandmother was like him.
And once, when Maddie was younger and more gullible, their grandmother told her that she could communicate with the dead.
Maddie had believed her, like any child who looked up to their older, more wise, family members would. But as she grew older she came to the, likely false, realization that her grandmother was just playing with her and shoved the confession aside as a blatant lie.
Now though... That Evan has come out as being able to talk to their dead brother, she confessed it to him in the quiet of her bedroom.
They only had to share one look to convey their thoughts.
They had to see Grandmother Lottie.
They scrambled down the stairs and practically begged to let them go see the woman on her death bed.
Evan knew, of course he knew, that their parents didn't have much, or any at all, of a relationship with his sick paternal grandmother, having shoved her into a nursing room years before he was born.
Apparently she spoke nonsense.
Which Evan was starting to think was of her seeing ghosts. Like he very much was at the moment.
The Buckley parents accepted reluctantly, but only after Maddie had said they could use it as a birthday gift for Evan since they hadn't gotten him one.
A week later, they were on a road trip to some other place in Pennsylvania to visit their dying grandmother at a facility.
She seemed pleasantly surprised to see them once they were escorted to her room, but she seemed more surprised to see him.
She had to do a double take like her eyes deceived her.
Then she smiled, like she understood why they were here without having to explain anything at all. She understood his desperation at having to see her so suddenly after never having a prior meeting.
She was welcoming none the less.
Grandmother Charlotte, affectionately known as Lottie, was a formerly tall woman before her age had caught up with her. She loved nicknames, loved giving them out as well.
Nothing like his father, or his mother for that matter, as they weren't a nickname household and were to only be called by their names assigned at birth.
She was soft spoken, and spoke wisely, always addressing him like he were an adult and they stood in the same podium. Although he knew they didn't, it was nice to have some attention and not be disregarded immediately because of his age. To not be called disrespectful for asking questions.
After that meeting, Evan began calling the home frequently just so they could talk for hours. Most of the times about... Talking to the dead, earthbound spirits, she called them. But a good portion of their talks were just about everything and anything but nothing all the while.
She got him.
Somebody finally understood him.
And that person didn't think he was crazy.
Or that he wasn't normal.
It felt nice...
She was his person.
A few months later, Maddie called them a cab so they could go to the facility for the second time, this time without parents waiting to usher them out as fast as possible.
“I don't think that I'll ever be able to tell the difference between a ghost and a person.” He admitted, ashamed as he did so. It was almost time to leave, Maddie had promised him forty-five minutes and only five of those minutes remained.
Grandma Lottie was so experienced, aged beyond her years by her experiences and knowledge.
He felt embarrassed to admit that he still couldn't tell the difference between someone solid and someone who could pass through solids. Just last week his mother has screamed at him to stop talking to himself, when really he was talking to a teenage girl who was at the supermarket.
Only she wasn't really there.
“They're not ghosts, they're spirits,” she corrected gently, “and they are people.
Potato, patahto.
Then she hummed, smiling from where he hung off her bed, “You will, sweetie,” she brushed her fingers though his unkempt hair, “I know you will.”
“How?”
He wasn't sure exactly what he was asking.
How do you tell the difference?
Or:
How do you know I won't mess it up?
She hummed again, to herself mostly, thoughtful, “You'll feel it, what they're feeling, I mean.” When Evan didn't catch on, she continued softly, “You'll look at someone and suddenly feel a wave of confusion, sorrow, fear, maybe curiosity.”
Evan nodded along, and she smiled at the boy.
“Maybe sometimes joy once they realize they can finally pass over.”
Pass over.
That's usually when they saw the light and they were ready to accept death, claim it, even.
“And it will all happen in a split second and then you'll know.”
The siblings said their farewells, promising to visit again next week and that she would hold them to that promise.
She passed in her sleep that night, apparently having made peace with death.
Evan still had so many unanswered questions he wanted to ask her.
He held onto the hope that she would come visit him, but she never did.
Not even at her funeral in the passing weeks.
So Evan had to make peace with her death, and that he would have to figure it all out from there.
Evan Buckley knew he wasn't normal.
But he also knew that once there had been a woman just as much of an anomaly as he.
And that she understood him on deeper levels.
He didn't know it yet, but his person, someone who would understand him better than himself, know his in and outs, was still out there. Waiting.