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Another day done, another restless night in this dumpy little motel.
Lilly let out a long-suffering sigh as she rolled onto her back, throwing off the covers before bringing her hands up to drag over her face.
She wondered how everyone else was sleeping these days. Somehow, Lilly doubted any of them could be worse off than her.
Kenny was probably snoring like a chainsaw and hogging the sheets, habits Katjaa had confessed with a giggle during one of the few times she and Lilly had actually talked one-on-one without anyone else around.
Clementine, well… Lee had been happy to brag about how easily she slept these days.
He probably hadn’t meant it as bragging, just wanting to let them know how Clementine was doing, but when Lilly was lucky to get four hours of sleep a night it definitely felt a little too much like bragging for her tastes.
Hard to believe a literal child was handling all of this better than Lilly. Pretty pathetic, to be honest.
Even Dad seemed well-rested, though that never stopped him from complaining about how his bed creaked when he rolled over.
So… probably just me having these problems. Figures.
With a huff of frustration, Lilly rolled onto her side once more, facing the door though it was too dark to actually see it.
She had first watch this morning. Then she’d be handing out rations, even smaller portions than last time. And after that Lilly would be testing how well everyone had remembered her lessons on using a rifle.
It was enough to make anyone scream just thinking about it.
Only, before Lilly could sink any further into her self-pitying misery, she was startled by the sound of her door cracking open.
She sat up immediately as flickering light trickled in through the door that was already opening wider.
On the other side, Carley and Doug peered into Lilly’s room, the latter carrying a lit kerosene lantern that illuminated the two of them while the former held what appeared to be three mugs, two in one hand.
At once, Lilly felt herself relax.
Funny. A few months ago, she would’ve dreaded someone coming to visit her in the middle of the night. As far as she’d seen it, the only reason someone would bother her so late was if something had gone drastically wrong.
Now though… Lilly was pretty sure these two were here for an entirely different kind of bothering.
After all that drama back at the drugstore, the last thing Lilly would’ve expected was for these two to decide they wanted to be her friends. She’d probably have been even more surprised to know that she’d actually accepted it.
“Lilly?” Carley called out softly, stepping into the room. “You-oh, you’re awake.”
She stepped fully into the room, Doug behind her as he closed the door behind them.
“I am,” Lilly sighed, a little regretfully as she swung her legs around to sit on the side of her bed. “What is it? Did you just have to invite yourself in when I’m trying to sleep? What is it?”
Carley simply raised her eyebrow. “Doesn’t look like you’re trying that hard,” she said dryly, not even bothering to whisper anymore.
“We brought hot chocolate,” Doug said cheerfully, actually answering Lilly’s question as he set the lantern down on her bedside table.
While Doug moved to pull out the chair of the room’s desk and sit down on it, Carley held out a mug to Lilly.
It was warm, but not scorching in Lilly’s hands as she accepted it, eyes widening at the chocolatey smell.
“Hot chocolate?” Lilly said flatly. “Right now?”
“Why not?” Doug shrugged his shoulders, smiling awkwardly at her. “It’s always the right time for hot chocolate.”
“Even when I’m trying to sleep?” Lilly stared at Doug, making him squirm.
“We’ve all seen how stressed you are lately,” Carley said, coming to her boyfriend’s rescue as she took a sip from her mug. “We figured it would do you some good.”
Lilly stared down at her mug, watching steam rise from the liquid as she let out a quiet sigh.
Well… she couldn’t say they didn’t mean well.
“Insomnia again?” Carley asked, tone more sympathetic as both she and Doug watched Lilly carefully. “This is the third time that I’ve noticed.”
Typical reporter.
“You keeping tabs on me?” Lilly snorted, unable to help a slight spike of irritation. “I can look after myself, you know.”
“We know,” Doug said quickly, sitting up in his chair. “We were just… worried. You’re our friend.”
Friend… right… it was still hard to keep that in mind sometimes. Lilly had never exactly been a big friends type.
Work colleagues, sure. Family, you were stuck with, but friends? Not her usual thing.
“It’s just the same old stuff,” Lilly finally said after a long, awkward moment of silence. “I worry about things, you know that. That’s my whole job.”
It was what had kept all of them alive so far. That was worth a few sleepless nights.
“Sure, and we appreciate that,” Carley said evenly, watching her closely. “But… you know you don’t have to shoulder it all alone, right? We’re here to help if you ever need it.”
Lilly opened her mouth to reply, only for her words to catch on a sudden lump in her throat.
She quickly took a sip of her hot chocolate to cover up the lapse, not wanting to get openly emotional in front of others. The drink was cheap, no-name stuff from an aluminum can, but with the meager rations Lilly ate these days even something like this tasted decadent and luxurious, warm and rich on her tongue.
Carley seemed to take her silence for annoyance, as she rushed to continue.
“This isn’t me saying you’re doing a bad job. You’re not. I just wanted you to know that you don’t have to do it all alone. You understand that, right? You can talk to us.”
The lump in Lilly’s throat grew as a shudder ran through her. She didn’t drink this time, not confident in her ability to get it down.
“Uh, Carley?” Doug cut in. “Maybe you should pull back a bit. She doesn’t have to talk about it if she doesn’t-”
“It’s fine, Doug,” Lilly said quietly. “I don’t mind. I just…”
She cursed softly, hating herself for struggling like this.
“I just wasn’t expecting this. Any of it. I guess I’m not really used to… something like this. Especially after…”
“After?” Carley said. “After what?”
Lilly took a deep breath, sitting up on the bed as she brought herself under control. After a moment of preparation, she opened her mouth once more.
“Remember everything that happened at the drugstore?”
Carley snorted, a smirk crossing her lips. “You could say that. I definitely remember how you wanted to leave Lee and the others to die.”
Lilly couldn’t help a scowl at her friend. “I was trying to keep the rest of us alive.”
“I’m just saying, it was the wrong call. I’m sure even you can admit that now.”
“Right, because you’d know so much about making good calls, the way you ran out there like an idiot. It’s a miracle you didn’t draw every walker for miles shooting like you did.”
“Funny, you didn’t seem to care as much about your dad screaming his lungs out-”
“Guys, that’s enough,” Doug pleaded with them to stop, making Lilly’s face burn. “We didn’t come here to argue.”
“Right.” Even Carley looked chastised by his words. “Sorry.”
“Sorry…” Lilly mumbled, knowing Doug would expect it and not wanting to derail things any further.
What had she been trying to talk about? Oh, right.
After taking a sip of her hot chocolate to clear her mind, Lilly spoke once more.
“I was just trying to say… after what happened at the drugstore, I’m surprised either of you would want to be friends with me. I know I’m not the easiest to get along with.”
It was a difficult thing to admit, but Lilly was a grown woman. She wasn’t scared of hard truths.
A moment of silence passed as Carley and Doug looked at each other, and Lilly had to resist the urge to squirm at their lack of response.
Finally, Doug gave Lilly a smile. “You’re not that bad, Lilly. Remember that scavenging run we went on a while back? Carley would’ve died if it weren’t for you.”
Right. She remembered.
They’d run into a herd unexpectedly while checking out a grocery store on the outskirts of Macon. Carley had gotten cornered, and she’d run out of ammo trying to clear a path through the walkers.
Lilly had done what she needed to do; she laid down covering fire, taking out enough of the dead that Doug was able to push through and get Carley out.
It wasn’t anything special, at least not to Lilly. Just looking out for her own.
The others hadn’t seen it that way, though.
“You took more of a risk than I did,” Lilly argued, though she wasn’t sure why. “I just shot them from a distance. You’re the one that ran in.”
Lilly still wasn’t sure what surprised her more: that Doug of all people had come to the rescue, or that he’d managed to get himself and Carley out alive.
Then again, he did apparently save Carley before Lilly had even met them, so what did she know?
Doug flushed red at that, but he wasn’t done. “Still, I never could’ve done it if it weren’t for you. We really owe you.”
“The way I see it, you both did great,” Carley said with a small smile. “And I’m grateful. Really.”
Lilly didn’t quite know what to say to that. Working on the airforce base, and before then living with her father, she’d gotten used to going unthanked for the work she did. It was only what was expected of her, so why make a big deal over nothing?
“Thanks,” was the only word that came to mind, and even then it came out in a far more timid tone than Lilly was comfortable with.
It seemed to be enough for them though, from the way they smiled at her.
“Honestly, considering how things were between us before then, I half-expected you to just let it happen,” Carley said with a chuckle to take any bite from the words.
Lilly’s first instinct was to snap at her for even suggesting such a thing, but, then again…
It’s not like I’d given them much reason to think otherwise.
“I wouldn’t have done that,” Lilly insisted softly. “I don’t blame you for thinking it, but that’s not who I am.”
Carley simply nodded. “Yeah… I know that now. You’re not as cold as I used to think.”
“Heh. Thanks.”
“I mean, I knew that even before the scavenging run,” Doug said proudly, pausing to take a long drink from his mug. “Ever since you gave me that Gameboy. I couldn’t believe it at first, but that was proof enough for me.”
“Hold on,” Carley furrowed her brow. “Lilly gave it to you? You told me you found it on a run.”
Doug chuckled awkwardly at Carley’s accusatory tone, scratching the back of his head. “Yeah… sorry. It was just-that was right after we started dating, and I wasn’t sure what you’d think about another girl giving me gifts.”
“Seriously?” Lilly rolled her eyes. “Are you sixteen years old?”
Here she’d thought that Carley just didn’t care about her doing that. No, it was just Doug being himself.
“Hey, I’m not used to this relationship stuff,” Doug said defensively. “I was just… nervous.”
“I can’t believe this,” Carley huffed, shooting a glare at Doug. “If I’d known that, I wouldn’t have been mad. We’d have all probably been friends a lot sooner.”
“How was I supposed to know?” Doug quailed under his girlfriend’s wrath.
“Oh, I don’t know, maybe you could’ve remembered that we’re all grown adults?”
The whole situation was so absurd that Lilly couldn’t help the chuff of laughter that escaped her lips.
Not a sarcastic laugh. Not bitter. Real, genuine amusement.
Lilly couldn’t even remember the last time she’d made a noise like that.
It was enough to halt the argument in its tracks as both Carley and Doug returned their attention to her.
“And what do you find so funny?” Carley asked sternly, though she couldn’t quite hide a slight smile.
“It… it’s nothing.” Lilly waved a hand in front of her. “I’m just thinking… a few months ago, I would’ve told you both to shut up and kicked you out of my room by now. Instead… I’m laughing. It’s just strange.”
Somewhere over the course of them becoming friends, it seemed like Lilly had learned to loosen up a bit. Everyone at the base would’ve been shocked.
“Well, I’m glad you’re able to see the humor in it now,” Doug said happily, without a hint of sarcasm or confusion. “God knows you of all people could use some levity in your life.”
“Heh. You can say that again,” Lilly smirked. “Honestly… if it weren’t for you guys, I probably would’ve snapped and shot someone by now.”
Both of them stared at her for a long moment, until Lilly just had to laugh again.
“I’m kidding, obviously… well, probably.”
Maybe I need to work on my jokes, if that’s the kind of reaction I get.
“I’m sure you wouldn’t go that far,” Carley finally said, shaking her head in amusement. “Like you said, that’s not you.”
“Yeah,” Doug nodded eagerly. “I just can’t see you doing something like that. You’re one of us.”
Lilly gave a slight shrug. “Maybe…”
There was maybe a minute or so of silence after that, as none of them seemed to know what to say next. All of them simply focused on their drinks, which had begun to cool during the conversation.
Lilly didn’t mind too much. It still tasted sweet, and it was a nice break from bottled water.
By the time Lilly’s mug was half-empty, she’d finally thought of something to say. Something she’d been putting off for a while.
Carley had already finished her hot chocolate, setting the empty mug down on the bedside table, and Lilly set her own drink down next to it as she cleared her throat to speak.
“I’m sorry.”
Carley frowned at her, while Doug tilted his head ever so slightly, like a dog.
“What for?” Doug asked evenly, waiting patiently for her to continue.
“For…” Lilly’s shoulders slumped, “for giving you guys such a hard time back when all this started. I know I’ve been pretty tough on everyone and… I’m sorry.”
Doug looked stunned by her words, and so Carley was the one who replied.
“What for? It's like you’re always saying: you’re just trying to keep us all alive. You don’t have to apologize for that.”
“Sure,” Lilly accepted with a nod. “But I could’ve been more… diplomatic about a lot of things. Don’t try to deny it.”
“What’s bringing all this on all of a sudden?” Doug questioned, concern in his eyes.
Maybe it has something to do with you guys invading my room in the middle of the night just to cheer me up.
Lilly shrugged. “I don’t know. Talking like this, it’s just… it’s obvious you guys care about me. And I guess I just wanted to pay that back with an apology.”
It sounded stupid saying it out loud, but that was how Lilly felt. She owed them that much.
Carley stared at her for a long moment, different emotions playing across her face, until finally she nodded.
“Well… I appreciate that. And I’m happy to put it all behind us if you’re okay with it. We’re all different people than we were a few months ago. Even if I disagreed with the way you were running things, I get that you were just trying to do what you thought was right. That counts for a lot in my book.”
“Exactly,” Doug agreed readily. “It’s great of you to apologize, but we don’t hold it against you. I promise.”
“I…” Lilly had to pause for a moment, terrified that she’d start choking up. “That’s great to hear.”
Then, to Lilly’s surprise, Carley reached out and took her hand in both of her own.
Lilly froze, almost yanking her hand away on instinct, but Carley’s grip was gentle and unobtrusive as she held a serious look in her eye.
“Look, you owning up to your mistakes… that’s what matters. Not many people have the strength for that.”
Perhaps seeing the look on Lilly’s face, Carley withdrew her hands, smiling kindly at her.
“You’ve made a lot of progress, Lilly, whether you realize it or not.”
“Yeah,” Doug said helpfully. “I can’t even remember the last time you and Kenny got into a big fight.”
Lilly did. It was about a week ago.
But… considering that those fights used to be a daily occurrence… Lilly could see where they were coming from.
“You really mean that,” Lilly said quietly, having trouble believing it. “You’re not just saying that?”
A part of Lilly hated herself for how she sounded, like a little girl in desperate need of reassurance. A larger part of her just needed to be sure that they were being honest, that they really believed what they were telling her.
“Of course,” Carley said firmly, not breaking eye contact. “We’re proud of you, Lilly. Both of us.”
‘We’re proud of you’.
Four simple words. Such a short sentence, so easy to say, and yet it struck Lilly down to her core in a way she hadn’t expected.
‘We’re proud of you’.
Lilly didn’t think she’d ever heard someone say that to her before in her entire life. Not even her own parents.
Despite her best efforts to resist, Lilly felt tears begin to build in the corners of her eyes.
“Lilly?” Carley’s expression shifted, concern overtaking all other emotions. “Are you alright?”
Doug’s eyes had widened as he leaned in closer to them, looking unsure about what to say.
“I’m-” Lilly wiped at her eyes with the back of her wrist, rubbing hard to clear away the growing moisture before it could get any worse, “I’m sorry, this is-so stupid. I’m sorry for getting like this, it’s just-”
“Hey, it’s completely fine,” Carley reassured her, scootching a little closer on the bed. “We’re all a little messy these days. You think I never cry?”
“I cry all the time,” Doug spoke up bravely, clearly eager to make Lilly feel better even as his face turned red. “I mean, sometimes…”
“See?” Carley smirked at her boyfriend before returning her attention to Lilly. “It’s nothing to be ashamed about.”
It was easy for them to say. They didn’t have a dad like hers. He’d be disgusted, seeing his grown daughter shedding tears so easily.
But as quickly as bitterness began to well up in Lilly, she forced it back down.
That wasn’t fair to them. They were just trying to help. It wasn’t right to get angry at them over it.
Once Lilly had managed to calm herself down, she smiled at her friends, giving them a slight nod.
“I’m okay, I’m okay. And… thanks. For all of it.”
“Any time.” Carley’s eyes sparkled with relief, and her obvious care was almost enough to get Lilly emotional all over again.
Another minute passed in silence, until Doug began to squirm in his chair and spoke up.
“Well, this is getting awkward… maybe we should play a game?”
Lilly and Carley both turned to stare at him, eyebrows raised.
“A game?” Lilly repeated, unimpressed.
“Yeah,” Doug said quietly, then began to pick up steam as he continued. “We might as well, right? Not like we’ll have time tomorrow. How about… truth or dare?”
“Doug, we’ve played truth or dare a hundred times by now,” Carley pointed out exasperatedly.
It was the truth. The group had to do something to keep themselves occupied these days, and truth or dare was harmless enough for even the kids to get involved.
“Well… that just means we know it’ll be a good time!” Doug refused to give in, grinning at them. “You wouldn’t play the same game a hundred times unless you enjoyed it, right?”
Lilly found herself chuckling once more, unsure how to counter Doug’s entirely fallible logic.
“Or it could mean we’re all so sick of it we never want to play again,” Carley shot back, a smirk on her face.
“Sick of it?” Doug mock-gasped through his grin. “It’s like I don’t even know you anymore!”
And so the two of them began to bicker, while Lilly sat back on the bed and simply listened, once more with that strange lack of an urge to tell them off for wasting her time.
Was this what it was like, having a group of friends?
Hard to say it was anything like she’d expected, but… Lilly didn’t think she minded much.
Eventually though, Lilly knew it was time to finally call it for the night.
“Alright, that’s enough, you two,” Lilly cut off the argument, getting their attention back on her. “As fun as it is to watch you two argue like a couple of kindergartners, I really do need to get some sleep. I have watch in the morning.”
Her tone was sarcastic, but a friendlier kind of sarcastic than was normal for her.
Carley almost looked ready to argue with her now, but instead she chuckled as she stood up from the bed.
“Aright, fine, we’ll get out of your hair for now. Have a good night’s rest.”
Lilly was sure she would, after this little talk.
Doug had begun to stand too, and as Carley moved towards the door, Lilly was seized by a sudden need that she couldn’t bring herself to ignore.
“Hold on.”
Carley turned back towards her, a curious look in her eye as Lilly stood up.
Before she could think better of it, Lilly grabbed both Doug and Carley, pulling them into a quick three-way hug.
Neither of them seemed to know what to do, and if Lilly could see their faces she was pretty sure they’d have been more wide-eyed than ever before, but after a moment or two they leaned in to return the hug.
It was the most human contact she’d had in a long time. Lilly couldn’t stop the words that spilled out of her mouth.
“Thank you, both of you, for giving me a chance after everything. I love you guys.”
Lilly froze the moment she’d finished speaking, stunned by what she’d just said.
‘Love’ was never a word that had cropped up much in Lilly’s life. Even amongst her own family, it was a word that seldom came into use.
That didn’t mean there wasn’t any love there, but, well… Lilly could admit that her family had never exactly been known for being good at expressing themselves emotionally, and even less so after her mother had passed.
Lilly could safely say that she’d never been more embarrassed in her life, and yet, at the same time… she couldn’t bring herself to care.
“Are you… feeling alright?” Carley asked slowly, sounding almost dazed.
“I swear I didn’t put anything in that hot chocolate,” Doug said quickly, which was enough to make Lilly laugh yet again.
“Never better,” Lilly said with a smile, finally releasing them as she stepped back.
“...Huh,” Carley just stared at her for a moment. “I know I said you were getting better, but I didn’t think you were that better.”
“Shut up,” Lilly rolled her eyes, no heat in her words. “I’m sure I’ll be back to normal once I’ve actually gotten some sleep, so don’t ruin this for me.”
“Right,” Doug said quietly, a smile growing on his face. “We’ll, uh… leave you to it.”
Flashing a last smile at Lilly, Carley moved to collect the discarded mugs (what was left of the hot chocolate would be completely cold by now anyway) while Doug grabbed the lantern, and then the two of them slipped out of the room as quickly as they’d arrived.
Lilly was left to sit back down on the side of her bed, thinking of all they’d talked about.
They didn’t see her as just a daughter, like Dad did. Not just an annoyingly-strict coworker like everyone back at the airforce back. They didn’t even see her as the half-baked dictator that Kenny clearly thought she was trying to be. Or had thought, at least.
To them, she was just Lilly. Their friend.
That’s all they needed her to be.
There was something strangely comforting about that.
As Lilly laid back down, prepared to give sleep another try, she allowed herself a last, small smile.
She had watch in the morning. Then she’d be handing out rations. And after that, weapons training.
Somehow, knowing she’d have friends backing her up made the coming day seem just a little less daunting.
Lilly closed her eyes, and found that sleep came easier than it had in a long time.