Chapter Text
In all honestly, the day couldn’t be clearer. The sun had that beautiful, orange glow that Kageyama could watch forever, and with it’s radiance bouncing of every surface it reached, Kageyama felt warm, and comforted. His memories of warmth and comfort were shuffled, muddled. The sun, as bright as it was, he found it could never sort his comfortable memories, could never bring them back to life. While the sun could never replace them, or bring them back to him, he always thought he liked it. He supposed he loved this time of day best, it reminded him of all those sticking with him, staying by his side. It made him think of Hinata, with its beautiful glow of orange and the warmth from the setting sun, it was picture perfect, and so kind of reminded him of Hinata, in an odd sort of way.
But Kageyama had a small problem with telling him that. He had a knack for keeping his feelings bottled up, he always had, well, not always, if he was being honest with himself. He knew his self-destructive habits he had picked up would one day turn him upside down but now wasn't the time to deal with them, he had plenty of time to think and heal later.
But Hinata did, sadly, feel upside down. His head was swimming, it had been since yesterday, plagued with thoughts that darkened the edges of his mind and pulled his head down to look at the floor, his feet, anywhere but up. His healing would take a lot longer, he wasn't Kageyama.
Tell him. Don’t tell him. Tell him. Don’t tell him. He repeated it like a mantra, eyes down, just staring at his feet as he walked with his best friend. It was his problem, why share it? Silently, they walked together, the shuffling of feet and occasional deep inhale of the early spring air filling their quiet as they made their way to the hill path they always stopped at (tradition, they supposed) to eat whatever buns they had bought from the shop after practice.
The quiet bore upon them, out of place in Hinata's presence. Kageyama found his eyes drifting to his best friend's small, shuffling form next to him, uncharacteristically silent.
“Oi. Dumbass.” He turned on his heel at the top of the hill, facing Hinata head-on, unintentionally staring him down. “Why are you so quiet? It’s freaking me out, are you sure you’re still not ill?” Seeing him like this, seemingly running on empty, it really put a damper on the team and their morale.
Hinata cast his eyes further down, staring at the bugs that scampered and scurried so ignorant and unaware next to his feet. He should tell him. No, he shouldn't tell him, it's not his problem.
“Hey, earth to Hinata. Answer me. I asked you a question, aren't you gonna answer?.” Kageyama's tone sounded clipped and impatient. Not the tone he was going for, but the damage was done. He saw Hinata's shoulders quiver, and heard his breath quietly hitch, was he- was he crying? "Hey, Hinata- Don't, don't cry." Kageyama heard his own voice rise at the end of his sentence, he heard it lilt as if he was asking a question more than anything, how stupid. "Don't cry, tell me- tell me what's going on." Hearing the stiffness in his voice made him cringe, but he didn't seem to care. It wasn't fare that Hinata was crying, he didn't need to, he was happiness incarnate, after all.
“Kageyama. Stop- Don't worry about me.”His voice was steady, steadier than Kageyama would have thought. In his experiences, voices would rise and fall with hitched breaths and sobs, but of course Hinata would surprise him. He continued, the minimal waver in his tone barely noticeable as he fuiously stared at the beatles that staggered over pebbles and ants. “Umm, also, I just think that, er, you should, um, probably know I wasn’t at... at home yesterday, o-or the day before that. I was, well, well I was actua-” He stuttered, his fear and quiets tears creeping up on his voice, curling around his throat and slowly tightening.
Kageyama watched as Hinata's shoulders rose and fell with his hitched and laboured breathing. "You were actually where? Finish your sentence."
"I was- er, I was at the hospital." Hinata paused, he wasn't sure why, maybe to let Kageyama think? No, to let himself think? To let himself truly comprehend what he was about to tell his best friend? Maybe, he didn't know.
"And? Over what? We can't play at our best if you're still ill y'know." Of course, volleyball.
"I- um, I just had a fever, my mum- she said it had been high for- for some time, apparently." Another pause. Oh God, this was real, wasn't it. "So, I was gonna go- to the hospital- and just as we were leaving, when I was going downstairs, I got dizzy- really dizzy." One more pause. One more moment to see the harsh truth. "I- blacked out. I fainted as I was going downstairs and fell." His mind stopped, the confidence and determination evapourating into thin air as he finally looked up to look Kageyama in the eyes, his unusually caring eyes. Every nerve in his body told him to turn around and run. To grab his bike by the handles and roll away down the hill, leaving Kageyama behind, in the darkness of the glowing sun as it fluttered away beyond the horizon.
"When I came to, my mum was freaking out- telling me to get into the car and I thought she was just overreacting, like she normally does." Hinata choked out the words as he began to let his tears fall faster. "But when we got there, they took a load of blood samples and other weird medical stuff, and when- when they came back-" Hinata lost it. He started to bawl his eyes out, but through his choked breaths, he tried to continue.
"-and when they came back… when they… he said that I… had showed early sy-symptoms of Acute… something… leukemia.” Falling to the floor, he was reduced to nothing but a ball of tears and incoherent sentences. He cried at himself, his weakness, the cancer that circulated within him, at everything and anything.
The very sight of Hinata at his feet, letting tears fall freely as they flooded his face
It felt like the boys world had just been torn through my a typhoon or an earthquake, detaching him from all his senses, preventing him from truly registering his friends wails of despair, or actually seeing him hunched over and watching as his tears fell to floor beneath them. Leukemia. No. This was cancer, this was happening again. This kills people, Kageyama knew that first hand. This ruins lives, this ruined Kageyama's life. This had taken happiness from Kageyama before. Warm smiles and cheery greetings struck his mind like flashing bolts of lightning, illuminating her face as clear images flew past him. Her face smiled so uncaringly as clear as day for the first time in years.
He didn't want to sun to set again, he didn't want it to rain again.
He too fell to his knees, pulling Hinata in for a consoling hug, letting feint tears drip as realisation set in. This was no time to let history repeat itself. He promised that to her years ago, that he wouldn't let the sun set ever again on her.
~~
The next day Kageyama came up to Hinata during their lunch break, ready to talk and hopefully get some more information other than babbled cries out of him to him.
“Here.” Kageyama haphazardly threw a carton of strawberry milk at Hinata, who, in turn barely managed to keep it from falling to the floor.
“Milk?" He questioned Keageyama's choice of beverage, a quizzical look on his face before his expression melted into content grin. Looking back up at Kageyama, he smiled, "Aren’t you supposed to be drinking this angrily and looking upset with everyone?” The ginger smiled at him, with an impish sparkle in his eye.
“Ha. Ha.” His voice deadpan and sarcastic, the taller boy pulled another carton from his bag and started to drink. “I looked up leukemia when I got home last night and it said it had something to do with bones so I got you milk because they say milk helps to make healthy bones and stuff.” Kageyama was avoiding eye contact, as now he knew that Hinata now faced the huge possibility of dying very soon and if he stared at him for too long, he might end up embarrassing himself and confessing his little crush to Hinata.
“Umm… Kageyama? The type of leukemia I have is to do with the blood, not the bones. But, hey, thanks for the milk I guess.” He had just started to drink when Kageyama shot up almost yelling.
“THERE ARE MORE TYPES OF LEUKEMIA??”
Hinata spat out his milk laughing at the terrified face of his best friend, almost feeling the fear of having to learn more about the human body and how it worked. Hinata knew just how much Kageyama hated all the sciences, especially biology.
“Yeah, I think there are four in total, if I remember correctly. It was kind of a blur, you know, when they said it.” He was drinking his milk again, as if the whole discussion of his unlikely cancer was just as normal as their fighting over the smallest of things. Finishing a long drawn out sip, he continued. “Acute lymphoblastic leukemia, which is the one I have so that’s the only reason I remembered its name and that has something to do with white blood cells. I think its something like there’s too many, but none of them do their actual jobs properly.” Looking up he saw the horror struck face of his best friend, as if that was the first time he had ever heard a human being talk. “What’s wrong Kageyama? Cat got you tong-“
“WHEN DID YOU LEARN HOW TO USE BIG WORDS?!”
“WHEN I WAS DIAGNOSED WITH THE BIG WORDS, DUMBASS.”
They were both standing, staring into each other’s eyes, each with looks that could kill. They stood there for a while, each just preparing to fight, but not moving an inch. It sadly wasn’t the first time they had done this, preparing to fight, but neither actually bothering to make a move. It was times like this they were grateful of their saving grace, Yachi, who usually came along and broke them up before they starved to death from glaring at each other for hours on end.
“I thought I heard you two!”
“Yachi!!” Hinata was already jumping away from Kageyama to greet their manager, who by now was used to Hinata’s boundless energy, and welcomed him with open arms into a hug.
She had no idea about Hinata, did she.
“Hello, Hinata.” Her voice was that you would expect a mother to use when her child had gone on a sugar high rampage and really needed to be calmed. “Ready for practice today? Daichi thought of a new game strategy when you were away, and told me to tell you that you need to talk to him at practice, and speaking of which, I might be little late today, I need to work on my graphic design project.” Her tone changed, it sounded concerned, like when Suga asks if one of the team is okay when they fall after trying to receive, or going for a near impossible spike. It sounded motherly. She cocked her head, and placed her hand on Hinata’s forehead before asking, “Are you sure you’re okay? You look pale.”
“Um, actually, Hi-” Kageyama had began to speak but was instantly cut off by Hinata’s loud, interrupting voice.
“I’m fine! I just couldn’t sleep last night, I was too excited to get back on the court, y’know?” He interrupted Kageyama with a quick step on his toe and a glare out of the corner of his eye that seemed to yell the sentence “Don’t you fucking dare”.
“Um okay then, I’ll see you after school then. Enjoy you lunch, and make sure you eat all of it, Hinata, you’ll need the energy if you didn’t sleep much last night!” She turned on her heel and let the end of her sentence trill a little, skipping away to a couple of girls who seemed to be waiting for her at the end of the corridor, cooing and giggling as she approached them.
The boys shared a look as soon as Yachi was out of sight, Kageyama more confused than anything, with Hinata looking at him like he was trying to burn into his soul. “Hi-Hinata?”
“Why would you do that? I’ll tell people on my own terms. I’ll decide if I should worry them. This is my decision and you can’t stop me from retaining this information if I decide to.” His eyes resembled fire at this point, and Kageyama was pretty sure he’d never looked more determined, even in their matches against their strongest opponents.
“I just thought that Yach-” He was stumbling, his brain not quite finding the words he needed, and as Hinata’s eyes burned even more into him, he suddenly felt very uncomfortable. He never thought he would be on the receiving end of the gingers furious stare.
“No. Kageyama, you are in no place to tell people about my physical condition, got that?”
“Yeah, sure.”
********
“Hinata! You’re back again!!” Suga’s voice echoed through the almost empty gym as he opened the door to find the ginger practicing his serves with Kageyama yelling at him, as he usually did. At this point, the team had come to the unanimous agreement that this was the only way the two could communicate.
“Suga!!” He broke away from Kageyama’s intense glare and bounded over towards vice captain with a huge smile on his face. “Yachi says the team have a new strategy and I need to see them?” His eyes were wide, expecting as he looked down at Suga’s bag, waiting to see what the captain had come up with to help them win.
“Ah, sorry Hinata, Daichi has them in his bag, he said he’ll bring them in once he’s done changing. Um, do you guys know where everyone is? Usually mostly everyone’s here by now, I mean, it is almost quarter to four.” He looked down at his watch when a familiar second year walked in with a disheartened sigh.
“Tanaka and Nishinoya will be late today. They landed themselves a detention with the head master after causing a ruckus in the hallway.” Ennoshita closed the door, with the thoroughly disappointed face he always wore around the duo, before he looked at Suga with a different expression.
Hinata thought it resembled that of terror.
“Who’s gonna tell coach? Actually, w-who’s gonna tell Daichi?”
It was as if the gym had been struck by lightning. In an instant Hinata recalled the memory of being late a couple of weeks before, and the fear that had pierced his heart upon looking directly into their captain’s eyes.
“DIBS NOT ME!”
“Hinata, you can’t just yell like that!”
“Well, maybe you should’ve yelled it before me then, Suga!!”
It was a matter of time before Suga gave up on these children.
“Geez, what the actual hell are you all yelling about? Where is everyone?” Daichi walked in, captain and while none of the team had actually discussed it, dad of the Karasuno volleyball club. “It’s what, almost four? You’d expect most of us here by now, especially the loud mouths.”
“Aah, Daichi, you see, Tanaka and Nishinoya have kinda…” Suga stepped up as his teammates held their breath, watching, waiting for Daichi’s reaction. “Well, ended up in a detention with the principle.”
Not a sound could be heard in the gym.
“Well.”
A sharp intake of breath from the players who were present.
“Who’s surprised by that. I’ll do something about them when they get here, how long is the detention? An hour? Half an hour?”
Ennoshita lifted his head out of confusion. This was not what any of them had expected. “I-it’s twenty minutes. So… you’re not going to freak out?”
“Hm? Why would I do that?”
“Because you yelled at me and Kageyama ‘til kingdom come when we where late last time!!”
Silence once again fell upon the gym. “Hinata…?” Suga spoke up as Tsukishima and Yamaguchi walked through the doors and Yamaguchi joined the small crowd looking over the ginger, with the blonde heading straight to the cart with the volleyballs to start practicing by himself, the way he liked it. “When did you learn the phrase ‘til kingdom come’?”
The conversation piqued Tsukishimas curiosity and he walked over to the team “What? Hinata’s learning Japanese comprehension? Does that mean I don’t have to tutor his hopeless ass anymore?”
Yamaguchi looked up and playfully slapped the taller boy, giggling his name as he did so.
Almost the entire team looked at them in confusion. It was so clear, but not quite clear enough.
“Curiouser and curiouser…”
“HINATA! There it is again! You just quoted that old English book you study in first year! It’s called, um, called…” Suga, although conceived to be smartest of the third years, he truly was terrible at English literature, and almost always relied on people like Asahi to help him with the impossible homework their teachers liked to set. “It’s, uh-”
“Alice In Wonderland, Suga. Why are you even talking about English literature, it’s five to four, shouldn’t we all be practicing?”
Their ace, the final member of the team, opened the steel doors and walked in, his face riddled with puzzlement at the sight of the group of players crowding the ginger.
“Hinata quoted it! He’s paying attention in class!”
“Alice In Wonderworld isn’t the only new thing he’s learnt.”
Kageyama’s voice was cold, and so were his eyes, staring at Hinata, who knew exactly what he was talking about.
“Is that true?!”
“Kageyama, you don’t have to be so damn salty about it!"
The two stared at each other with looks that could kill, as they had done earlier that day during the lunch break, just waiting for someone to stop them.
“Alright you two, that’s enough, we do have to do some work before heading to the Tokyo training camp in about a month, no, it’s even closer now, two, three weeks?” Daichi’s bold voice broke the duo up, attracting all attention to him before he began to talk about the new training regiment the coach had given him. “… And that about sums it up. Practice by yourselves for fifteen minutes, and Hinata come with me, I’ll explain the strategy to you seeing you weren’t here yesterday.”
The two walked to a corner of the gym and the captain pulled a sheet from his pocket and unfolded it, showing it to Hinata. They talked about it for a while, Daichi answering the questions the ginger had and ending his talk with a question of his own.
“Hinata, are you sure you’re okay? You still look kind of pale and I think Kageyama seems angrier at you than usual.”
“I’m fine!” His smile was huge, and he held the volleyball head, as he always did when he wasn’t playing with it. “Kageyama probably just hasn’t had his milk today and is sulking like the big baby he is!”
“I’m not deaf.”
“Kageyama! Do you want to practice with Hinata? Your quick will need improving if we plan to take it to Tokyo.”
“But you said by to practice by ourselves…”
“I know, but answer me this, do you two really think practicing by yourselves will improve any aspect of your playing?”
The two shared a look, having almost an entire conversation before they looked at the floor and both mumbled a “no” in unison. Daichi patted the duo on the shoulders before walking away towards the others practicing their serves and receives over the net set up in the middle of the gym. Just as their captain was out of earshot, the raven haired first year grabbed his classmate and pulled him to yet another corner of the sports hall and sent him an unexpected toss. The ginger hit it without problem and was only caught off guard when he spoke, looking at the ball Hinata had spiked almost all the way across the room.
“You’re gonna need to tell them, y’know.” His voice was deadpan, as if what he just said was of no importance. It was like when Hinata had explained the illness he had earlier, as if there were more important things to be worrying about. “They’ll find out one way or another.” He was looking at Hinata now, who was over by the ball cart looking at the volleyball he had just picked up with a disheartened frown upon his face.
“I know. But, I just don’t want to worry them.” He lifted his gaze to the team, who had swapped roles, those who were serving before now receiving. Hinata had no idea what any of them could be thinking about, but he was sure it was better than what was riddling his mind. “The doctor said that because I was still young there’s a medium high chance of survival with chemotherapy, so I just feel that if I don’t tell them and survive, then I don't have to scare any of them.”
“Well, you better survive.”
“NO SLACKING, YOU TWO!”
“YES COACH UKAI.”
*
Practice flew past that day, and it was evening before anyone knew it, and the coach had called the team around to cool down. The sat in a circle, stretching, all discussing very mundane topics, such as what the school had served for lunch, or the new book they were studying in Japanese Literature class. Maybe it really was best if Hinata never told them, they seemed so content this way.
“Okay you lot, go home and eat a proper meal, build up those muscles in time for the Tokyo trip, got that?”
The team chanted a quick “Yes sir!” before all standing up and collecting their water bottles and other items. They filtered into the small clubroom, all collecting their bags and schoolwork prior to heading out. Hinata picked up his bag just after Kageyama had finished neatly packing his jersey and shorts into his sports bag and hoisting onto his shoulder. They left together, waving to Daichi and Suga, who were always the last to leave for some reason.
“Do you ever wonder why they always leave last?”
“What?”
Hinata looked over his shoulder, to see Kageyama looking back at him in the eye.
“I mean, it’s not like they’re the only ones with a key, because I’ve seen Asahi-san unlock the clubroom when he got here a little early. And the room is always pretty neat whenever I leave, so I’m pretty sure they’re not cleaning, so I’m asking, what do you think they do after we’ve all left?”
What? What the hell was he on about? It was none of their business what they did after the team wa- oh.
“What the hell, Dumbass, it’s none of our business what they do. But thanks for the mental image.”
They continued to walk and as they reached the hill they sat down looking at the orange glow of the days end. The sun had that beautiful, orange glow that Kageyama could watch forever, and with it’s radiance bouncing of every surface it reached, Kageyama felt warm, and comforted. He loved this time of day best, it reminded him of Hinata, with its beautiful glow of orange and the warmth from the setting sun, it was picture perfect, just like they boy next to him.
Fuck. Not now.
They sat in silence, unsure of what to talk about; instead they just sat and ate and as Kageyama reached for his second bun, he began to speak. “You nee-”
“I’m not telling them, no matter how many times you tell me to.”
Hinata snapped his response back without even looking away from his meat bun. He wasn’t having this argument today, not again at least.
“But what if somet-”
“Then we’ll deal with it then. Listen to me very clearly, Kageyama. I’ll be fine. He said because I’m young I’ll probably survive so I don’t need to worry people who don’t need worrying. If I don’t tell them and nothing happens, they’ll be none the fucking wiser and if something does happen, then at least I don’t have to be around for their endless pity party.”
“I know that, but-”
“Kageyama! Just put yourself in my shoes right now, will you? Everyone who knows is always worrying about “what if it goes wrong?” and right now, do you know what “going wrong” is? It means what if I fucking die. What if science and medicine fail and my life ends.” By now, Hinata was once again crying on that hilltop, staring at his best friend, but now, it was different. He wasn’t crying out of sadness, but more of anger. An anger toward him, at the cancer, at those who just wouldn’t leave him alone. “Do I look like the person, no, AM I the person who likes to think about that? Do I? No. So I tell people when I want to. I decide if they should worry. I’ll fucking decide if something goes wrong. I’m not going to let anyone, or any thing make any decisions for me. Do you get that?”
He stood up, wiped his tears and began to walk away from Kageyama. He’d made his decision and his word was going to be the only opinion he needed during this illness.
“Got it.”
Kageyama whispered the words to himself as he watched Hinata break into a run down the opposite side of the hill. He loved Hinata’s determination, his fire, his, well, everything.
If only he could ever say that to his face.