Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Hes such a mystery.”

Itoshi Rin had arrived back at his house. Stupid 4-eyed freak sent them back home, (or in Rins case, an empty home.) His parents were out on a business trip once again, and Sae would probably be back in Spain any moment now. He took his shoes off, mumbling something about being alone again.

Rin was really tired. He just wanted to sleep for the whole break… He took out his phone, looking at the two contacts; Mom and Dad. He had Sae blocked, all because of that one night 

- but let's not get into that… There were no new messages. No friends to talk to. He turned off his phone, rolling his eyes. He couldn't help but think to himself..

...‘Don't be a drama queen Rin.’

‘You're such a loser.’

‘Nobody cares about you, why do you even try?’ 

Rin shoved those thoughts away quickly, rubbing his eyes. He wasn't worthless. He wouldn't think about it any longer. He decided maybe he just needed some water or something. Maybe something to eat.. He headed to the kitchen, ate something, then went to take a shower. His arms hurt slightly, but it had been awhile since he harmed himself. 

He knew that he shouldn't, but he just couldn't help it. It was one of the only ways to cope.

By the end of the night, he ended up laying in bed. Thinking. Just thinking. Thats all he could do right now, since he usually spent his nights cutting. He didn't want to cut, but he did at the same time. Life was so unfair…. Rin wished he was more like nii-chan. Sae wouldn't think this way. 

But then again, Itoshi Sae was the favored child, and he wasn't difficult. Rin was always the difficult one.

No wonder his parents were never around. Rin was just difficult. Would it be better if Rin wasn't here anymore? Wasn't breathing? Would it be less difficult? Would nii-chan be happier without him in his life? After all, it was all his fault that Sae left him. 

And on that night, Rin decided he wanted to die. Everything was so… Tiring.

“He never talks about his past, it doesn't interest him.”

On that night, Itoshi Rin didn't sleep. He was so tired, but he just couldn't. Instead, he started thinking about ways to kill himself. He didn't want to be found. He just wanted to disappear.. 

Like he never existed. He knew perfectly just the way to do so. He decided to unblock Sae too. The messages from years ago appeared, and he just stared at them.

On the next day, Itoshi Rin cleaned the house. Just so his parents wouldn't be mad about it being dirty. It took a couple hours, but it ended up okay. 

On that day, Itoshi Rin cleaned his room, fixing every broken item. Placing everything in a certain place.

He then took a shower, and spent 15 minutes staring into the mirror. Looking at his arms. At all the scars. 

He then got dressed. Brushed his hair for once. He threw his calendar away, and he ate one last thing. A popsicle. He decided to leave a message to Sae; not a suicide text, but just 5 simple words. 

‘I love you nii-chan.’ 

On that night, Itoshi Rin left the house and headed to the beach. 

“He doesn't belong to anything or anyone.” 

On that night, Itoshi Rin made it to the beach. He felt a notification from his phone. He took it out, looking at the lock screen. Sae had responded? He opened the message, staring.

‘Rin. Don't do anything stupid, please.’ 

Rin didn't respond. Just left him on read. He took off his shoes, feeling the cold sand. He placed his phone beside his shoes, hearing more notifications. He didn't look at them this time. 

On that night, Itoshi Rin walked into the cold ocean, slowly. He took his time.

Yet he never came out after doing so.

On that night, Itoshi Rin drowned himself.

Chapter Text

A normal night, Itoshi Sae told himself. It would be a normal night, right?

So why did Sae get a long message from his brother? His brother who hasn't texted him in years?

Sae ignored it at first, going on with his night. Figuring out what stupid soccer clip he would watch..
Sae was never the smart one in school. He never cared for his grades, only for soccer. Maybe thats why he felt so stupid after reading some of the message.

"Its probably Rin and his stupid phase. Lukewarm, as usual. He'll be fine." Sae told himself, the feeling he called worth rising in his chest. He couldn't push the thought that it was actually important away.
He ended up sending a couple messages back anyways. He didn't even read the whole paragraph of the message, only the part where Rin said "I can't do this anymore Sae."

Sae
   
    Rin, don't say such useless things. Its lukewarm.

    You could be practicing right now.

    Focus on soccer.

An hour later Sae got a call, probably the worst call ever. No, it was the worst call. It wasn't Rin. It wasn't their parents. No, it was a hospital.

"Hello? Is this Itoshi Sae? We tried to reach your parents, but they would not respond."
Why was a hospital calling him? What happened? Why did they need to call his parents?

"Yes. This is Itoshi Sae. Get to the point, why are you calling me right now?"

"I'm sorry to break the news to you, but a couple of kids found Itoshi Rins body washed up on shore." 

...

What?

"We couldn't save him, I'm sorry for your loss." No, this couldn't be true. Rin was alive, training.

"Excuse me? This isn't a funny joke. Whoever's prank calling me, I advise you stop this instant." He said angrily. He hadn't felt angry in awhile.

"I'm sorry Sir, but this is not a joke. Your brother drowned, and we believe it was suicide." The last 3 words made Sad drop to the ground.

Suicide? What? Rin wouldn't do that. No. This must be a dream.

"We tried to save him, but he had inhaled too much water. I'm so sorry." 
Itoshi Sae wasn't even listening anymore. He ended the call. Rin, no- His sweet baby brother who drooled on everything and broke his toys everyday, was dead? 

His baby brother, Rin, the one who followed him around and played soccer with him, committed ***suicide?*** Before Sae knew it, he was crying. Because Rin wasn't that boy anymore. 
He hadn't been since that night when Sae broke their dream. Rin was only 14. Everything Sae told Rin came back to him, and it hit him like a brick. 

And now his sweet brother was dead. With shaking hands, he opened him and Rins messages. He scrolled up to the top, looking at all the messages Rin had sent him when he first went to Spain. 

                                       Rin
           Hi Nii-Chan. Mom just gave me your number.
Read

                                       Rin
           Nii-Chan, i miss you. I can't wait for you to come home. Goodluck in Spain!
Read

                                       Rin
           I wish you would say something back, but i guess your super busy. I am too. Message me when you can!

Read
                                       Rin
           Mom and Dad barely come home anymore. They say they need to work more. Its okay, I don't mind. As long as i train more and become just like you!
Read

The rest were just him telling him about his day. Wishing him luck, and talking about Saes amazing goals that he saw on TV.

And then there was the recent one. 

                                       Rin
          Sae, i can't do this anymore. I can't keep going on like this. I'm tired, and ive decided I'm giving up. I'm giving up on everything. 
          I'm giving up on soccer, I'm giving up on Blue Lock. I'm giving up on you, and our parents. And most importantly? I'm giving up on life.
          I just want to sleep forever, i don't wanna worry anymore, i don't wanna cry. Our parents don't care. They only ever cared about you. 
         And you don't even see me as a brother anymore. I'm sorry for being such a lukewarm brother. I should've done this long ago, but 
         everything's just so painful now. Goodbye, Nii-Chan.

Sae hated himself at the moment. His brother had been struggling, and what the fuck was he doing? Insulting him? Ignoring him? His parents weren't any help either. 

Sae stumbled up, wobbling to his bedroom. He digged through his closet, snatching an owl figurine out. It was supposed to be for Rin. Rin loves owls. Or loved. 

Sae went out to the kitchen again, holding the figurine and collapsing next to the phone, leaving his home screen on. It was Rin.
He was still holding the figurine in his arms. He cried while hugging it.

He cried loudly. His brother was dead now, and he did absolutely nothing to stop it. What a poor excuse for a brother he was.

He ordered a plane ticket for Japan.

He could go see his brother. But he wouldnt be alive. He wouldnt be in his room, watching a stupid horror movie. He wouldnt be training either.

Sae tried telling himself it was a nightmare. It didnt work.

... 

Sae continued crying.