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When Sanji’s upset, he doesn’t tell anyone, so that no one worries about him. At this point, withdrawing from social interactions and keeping to himself is almost second nature. It’s not that he finds comfort in being alone though, it’s that he prefers to spiral when no one can see him. His inner turmoil bubbles to the surface and comes to life in the form of his anguished cries. There’s no one around to tell him that he’ll be okay, that this is just a period in time which will eventually pass; it never does pass anyway. No matter how happy he thinks he is, days of torture always come to mind, taking away that flicker of hope: the hope that keeps him alive.
The cook’s heart aches when he thinks of his life before Zeff. Love was not a luxury he possessed despite how hard he tried to obtain it. As if he were the plague, it evaded him. Sanji questioned whether it even existed over a hundred times in his youth, the Vinsmokes never expressed benevolence towards him and consequently, even self-love had abandoned him. Fragments of his childhood innocence had been eroded, feelings of inadequacy consuming his inner child whole.
Why are you like that?
Everything he did was deemed wrong back then, all his actions were constantly under scrutiny. One would have expected him to free himself from the shackles of judgement but instead he has tightened them to a suffocating degree, often regurgitating the harsh words that had left cracks in his heart which is too big for his body. He was appalled by its fragility and how easy it was to break it.
He may get his empathy from his mother, but him being a sensitive soul was the root of all his pain. It is both a blessing and a curse to feel one’s emotions so deeply, to feel as if the walls are closing in every time you try to take a step forward. Taking several steps back was more natural for him.
Sanji runs and hides away from the world when memory knocks its bony knuckles on his skull and demands that he remembers. Sometimes, he only remembers in flashes. Other times, he can recall a nightmarish series of events. The fear his thoughts instilled in him was all the same. Quite frankly, it made him sick.
Zeff gave him a chance at clutching happiness and he had taken it gratefully, but the scars left on his mind served as a permanent reminder of what had been said and done. Scars that Sanji refuses to let see the light of day. If anyone were to ask why he disappears from time to time, a lie would exit his mouth faster than the truth could come to mind.
“I get tired too, you know?”
His evasiveness was a defence mechanism. Vulnerability had to be forced out of individuals like Sanji, who only knows how to cope alone because no one was there when he needed it the most. He may cover up everything with a big smile or perhaps a biting remark, especially towards Zoro, but he was never quite open. It’s not his intention to trick his closest friends that believe that they have an understanding of everything that makes him the man that he is.
Yes, they know Sanji but they don’t know Sanji. They only know what he allows them to. Spilling the contents of his heart felt like a suicide mission to him. Like a puzzle, he had many complexities that contributed to his character when put together.
Not everything about oneself should reach the surface, but Sanji has taken “you’re allowed to keep some things to yourself” too literal. His emotional baggage could fill up several dumpsters with the weight of his depressing history. That side of him, the side where he allows others to rely on him but never the other way around, was a flaw of his that he was almost too conscious of, but was unwilling to work on.
Maybe if he could laugh everything off as easily as Luffy, he wouldn’t be so miserable. Laughter is good for your sanity. If he could behave in a self-assured manner like Zoro, maybe he could fool his heart into forgetting all his insecurities and deepest fears that had been engrained into his flesh. He hated the fact that the very flesh that enveloped his skeleton was the same flesh that knew what it was like to take a beating almost every other day. What if he let himself display his fear on his face like Usopp? No, nevermind. Showing any sign of weakness was the opposite of what he wanted.
That’s why he sometimes wonders if Ace regrets dating him.
In terms of love, Sanji was the epitome of romance. Everything he did, he did for love. Everything he said had the passion of love behind it. Loving others comes easily to him and everyone knows him to be a firm believer in its power, but reciprocation causes him to be uncertain of how to behave.
When it came to digging deeper into what made him feel inferior, he was incredibly dismissive. It would only make sense if Ace secretly became frustrated whenever he would ask what’s wrong all the time only for Sanji to make up an excuse, knowing that he needed a shoulder to cry on. The blonde knew better than anyone else that he couldn’t keep pushing his boyfriend away every time he felt that the freckled man was getting too close to his heart. That’s the point of a partner, is it not? To have that special someone that you feel safe opening up to.
However, Sanji struggled to bring his walls down and stayed on high alert - waiting. Waiting to be let down gently.
He doesn’t mean to self-sabotage: old habits die hard.
The cook notices the look in Ace’s eyes every time he’s denied the truth to the agony he knows that Sanji is feeling. Immense guilt always invoked in the blonde’s conscience each time his boyfriend would give him a prodding gaze of worry.
Someone as patient as Ace should be with someone that tells the whole truth (not bits and pieces or not the truth at all). He never forces Sanji to open up, but lets him know that if he wants to vent, then he should feel free to. It bothered Sanji that he couldn't do something so simple, leaving him wondering if he should just let his boyfriend go.
Both of them had had their shared troubles in life, but Ace was comfortable enough to confide in Sanji about how he used to question whether his birth was a mistake, similarly to Sanji despite the different circumstances. Ace let down his walls, demonstrating clear emotional investment in the relationship. Sanji felt insecure for being unable to do the same. Cowardice prevented him from doing so.
There was irony in someone being so hung up on the passion of love but not being able to cover all of its bases.
Overthinking like that was never healthy, but Sanji couldn’t help it. It was a hard pill for him to swallow, someone deeming him as being worthy of benevolence. Desiring to block his own blessings out of reluctance to accept that the good he puts out into the world is the good that is attracted to him sounds foolish in theory. To Sanji, it is a necessary evil for him to be able to disappear from time to time efficiently.
Ghosts were not creatures that he believed in but he sure hoped he could become one at times. Maybe life would have been different if he had found the Clear-Clear fruit that he read so much about as a child. It was supposed to be his one-way ticket to achieving absolute peace by slipping under the radar. His family couldn’t hurt what they couldn’t see. No reason for them to become disappointed by what wasn’t in their presence. They do say ‘better late than never’, so if he still pursues searching for that devil fruit, there was a chance that—
“You alright, babe?”
The sound of Ace’s concerned voice disrupted Sanji’s train of thought.
He forgot that he was standing in the kitchen in the middle of the night, losing his mind.
“… Yeah, I’m okay,” Sanji replied after a moment, collecting himself and quickly wiping his tears. Thank goodness he had his back turned to the door while facing one of the kitchen counters.
Letting Ace see him cry was out of the question, a stubborn protest against showing even a slither of weakness. The melancholy Sanji wasn’t the Sanji that Ace had fallen in love with nor was it the Sanji that Sanji himself wanted to put on display.
Flowery words, cheesy romancing and acts of service were what he was known for and preferably, the cook would like to keep it that way. It wasn’t as if it was all fake, it just didn’t give people the full picture of the type of person that he was. He was so certain that they wouldn’t enjoy looking at the full picture for longer than necessary hence why he had painted over his ugly truths with brighter colours. They were fading back into their duller shades though.
“You sure? You seem pretty down lately.” There was a hint of suspicion in Ace’s tone, poking Sanji for answers as he stood in the doorway, but there was also sympathy in it that Sanji couldn’t quite understand. Sympathy that he didn’t want.
“I said I’m okay.”
“You say that every single time I ask if you’re alright. I believe you less and less each time.”
Before Sanji could mentally prepare himself, Ace approached him, his feet almost echoing in Sanji’s ears because of the silence across the ship (it was the middle of the night).
Time seemed to stop right then and there.
“... You’re crying.” Ace gently stated when his boyfriend reluctantly turned around to face him. His voice barely above a whisper out of fear that if he spoke any louder, it would scare Sanji away who looked as startled as a bunny cornered by a fox: teary-eyed, surprised and ashamed.
He was such a pretty crier too.
“... Am I? I didn’t notice,” The excuse was weak but Sanji couldn’t help but lie. It was embarrassing to be caught like this, breaking down in the kitchen and silently sobbing, praying that the others wouldn’t wake up let alone his partner.
“You didn’t notice?” Ace responded in an unconvinced tone. Nonetheless, he embraced Sanji like his life depended on it, aiming to soothe his pain.
Sanji accepted the offered affection with a heavy heart, aware that if he spoke again, his voice would crack. All his strength went into returning the warm embrace so that Ace couldn’t see the fresh river of tears flowing down his face while he sobbed against him, his body trembling ever so slightly. Even after being found in the middle of a mental breakdown, he couldn’t help but still try and hide his embarrassment.
Surprisingly, Ace was silent, just allowing Sanji to lean on him to his heart’s content while rubbing his back. He could tell that his boyfriend had been bottling up his emotions because he had been in his shoes once upon a time. There had been times where he also had separated from those around him so that he could crumble completely without any eyes on him. Perhaps that was why they got along so well: misery loves company.
“You’re not alone, Sanji. Stop acting like you are," Ace thoughtfully murmured against Sanji’s head, causing the latter to melt inside.
Those words of reassurance were so curt yet they spoke volume for the cook, tugging on his heartstrings. He alone had taken on the duty to carry the burden of his troubles like a one-man army but was suffering in silence because of his refusal to reach out and ask for help. He made a lapse in judgement with his assumption that it was okay to keep quiet.
“I’m sorry,” The blonde apologetically replied even though an apology wasn’t what Ace was seeking from him. He didn’t know how else to react.
“Babe, you don’t need to be sorry. You need to be honest. If not with me, with yourself.” A fond sigh left Ace’s mouth as he waited for Sanji to find the courage to raise his head once more. When it came to his loved ones, he had all the time in the world to wait for them.
The cook went quiet, contemplating the meaning behind that advice; a bulb switched on his head.
Sincerity was a concept he withheld indiscriminately, even when it came to himself, which was how rejection became the catalyst for his mental anguish: rejecting love, rejecting kindness, rejecting happiness, rejecting inner peace, rejecting his right to exist, rejecting acceptance. He had acquired an endless amount of self-inflicted wounds on his inner child, he used to think that they were retribution for him being born the failure the Vinsmokes had strongly believed him to be.
“We don’t have to talk about i—“ Ace started to reassure before being cut off.
“I wanna talk about it.” Sanji declared, although his voice was still wobbly.
“Alright. I’m listening.”
Before he continued, Sanji took a deep breath, sniffling a little.
“… Have you heard of Germa?” His voice was so soft that a pin dropping would have been louder.
“Who hasn’t?” Ace lightly joked, an attempt at bringing humour into the convo to dissolve the tension in the air, earning a shaky smile from the blonde.
“Fair enough… I used to be a prince of the Germa Kingdom.” Sanji spoke slowly, he had never quite opened up to anyone like this before. Awkwardness radiated off of him.
“My very own Prince Charming, eh?” Pressing a gentle kiss to his boyfriend’s knuckles, Ace chuckled slightly at his own joke. Tense situations like this caused him to be rather comical to cope with his anxiety.
Sanji half-heartedly rolled his eyes at that, finding it both sweet and cheesy.
“If only being a prince was as lovely as you think it is, my love.”
“Was it that bad?”
“Well…” Sanji hesitates, sniffling. He can’t maintain a poker face while thinking of his wretched past because yes, it was that bad. More than bad.
The glorified image of princehood that had spread throughout the world stung a little because of his own personal experience. That’s what happens when you’re the black sheep of the family, the blight on their reputation.
Immense dread was coursing through his veins now and he nearly started dissociating mid conversation.
However, the feeling of his hands being squeezed by Ace brought him back to reality.
“Sanji?” Ace prompted him, dark eyes full of nothing but adoration.
“My family was rather abusive.” The blonde impulsively blurted out, his eyes widening at the words that fled his own mouth.
Ace’s eyes narrowed at that statement though, a frown plastered on his face. When it came to his loved ones, it was easy for him to become quick-tempered in terms of their wellbeing.
“Rather?”
“Extremely. Physically, emotionally and verbally. I was weaker, less intelligent and too… human. Absolutely useless to them.” The more layers that Sanji peeled off in his boyfriend, the more anxious he became.
“How can someone be too human? That’s not even a valid argument.” Frustration made its way into Ace’s voice. Naturally, it was not targeted at Sanji, but at his family.
The only family that Ace resented was his biological father for being the root of his problems and the reason for him questioning his self-worth. Besides him, he had always been surrounded by people that he would go to war for. The world turning its back on the most compassionate of people didn’t sit right with him.
“Germa’s science wasn’t limited to inventing… my genes were modified too, their enhancements failed to awaken is all. My humanity remained.”
“So, you were born to be a weapon?”
“That’s right except I didn’t meet their expectations, so you could say that I’m a waste of resources.”
“That’s seriously fucked. No one should be able to choose your destiny for you.” Ace scowled, shaking his head in disapproval. He was the type of person to be more enraged about an unfair incident that happened to someone he cares about than the person it actually happened to. Right now, there wasn’t anything he wanted to do more than start the downfall of Germa.
Sanji could only shrug his shoulders at that. He knew better than anyone else that what had happened to him was undeserved and downright cruel, but he had grown to accept it when he was younger, although he never quite became desensitised to it all. He was haunted by his past that wouldn’t let him forget what he ran away from. It made him feel like the world’s biggest wimp.
“It’s why I become more… distant sometimes, I can’t forget my life before Zeff so easily.” Deeply sighing, Sanji squeezed Ace’s hands to comfort himself. Simultaneously, it pacified Ace who had been prepared to seek vengeance.
“I don’t blame you. Life hasn’t been kind to you even though you’re kinder than anyone else I know.”
“Me?”
“Yeah, you! Ask anyone and I’m sure they’d say the same thing about you.”
The way Ace was so certain in what he was saying caused Sanji to blush a bright pink colour, which elicited a few chuckles from his boyfriend.
“You’re all biased.”
“Slightly, but it’s true. We’re lucky to have you, baby.” Ace gave Sanji a quick kiss to silence any more protests that he knew Sanji had a ton of.
The cook slightly pouted, but resisted complaining anymore, basking in the affection.
“… How do you cope with your own past?” Curiously, Sanji asked in the midst of Ace wiping his tear-stained cheeks.
The freckled man hummed for a few seconds, pausing his actions.
“Mmm, thinking about all the people who have loved me helps. They didn’t turn their backs on me and instead, they welcomed me with open arms. Outcasts love outcasts.”
The answer was concise and easy to digest.
He still had people in his corner.
“Bring a group of misfits together and you can still create a happy home I see.” Sanji mumbled, taking a moment to appreciate all the good connections he’s made during the two decades he had been alive: Zeff, the chefs at Baratie, the Straw Hats and Ace.
If it wasn’t for them, Sanji would be in a very dark place. Matter of fact, he wouldn’t even be alive if it wasn’t for Zeff - the man he considered his real dad.
Blood doesn’t make a family.
Ace himself didn’t have any blood relatives either yet when you see him with those he calls his family, it’s impossible to tell him otherwise.
“lThe right people will help you to keep going. I know I questioned my own existence a lot when I was younger.” Ace hummed once more, a soft smile on his face as he recalled everyone that’s ever loved him. The ones that made him disagree with his former self who wondered if he’d be better off dead.
“You really are Luffy’s older brother.”
“Hah! Similar, are we?”
“I mean, the way you both tend to be spot on can’t just be a coincidence.”
“Family tends to mimic family. You’d feed anyone that’s hungry because of your dad, right?”
“Damn right I would.” Zeff being mentioned lit a tiny fire under Sanji, his dear adoptive father. He would never do anything to shame him no matter what. “Do you… still detest Roger?”
“Yeah, I do. I still do. Whitebeard’s the only man I’d call my dad.” Ace tensed up a bit at the thought of his biological father. A flicker of something akin to irritation appeared in his eyes, the query left a bitter taste in his mouth. “Do you detest the Vinsmokes?”
“… No, I don’t and I hate that I don’t because I know that they detest me for not living up to their expectations.”
“See? You’re full of benevolence, can’t even bring yourself to hate anyone no matter what they do to you.”
Raising an eyebrow, Sanji frowned, a hint of insecurity in his voice, “I don’t see it as a good thing.”
“It’s your strength though. You balance me out.”
“You’re not a hateful person.”
“True, but I do know how to hold a grudge.” A sheepish smile made its way onto Ace’s freckled face. Sanji wanted to coo at him so badly. His boyfriend was charismatic a lot of the time, but he was cute in his own way too.
Gently, Sanji whispered while averting the softened gaze of his lover, “You’re one of the ‘right people’ for me,”
Like a meerkat, Ace perked up eagerly and let out another hearty chuckle.
“Hehe, you think so?”
“I know so.”
“I do take pride in being one of your biggest fans.”
“You take pride in almost everything, sweetheart.”
“Nothing wrong with being a proud person, babe!”
Sanji only sighed in response to that, causing Ace to giggle even more. The mood had lightened significantly and the cook was feeling much better about himself after letting his partner get a glimpse at his character.
“Come back to bed now, please. I get lonely without you.” Ace begged, hands leaving Sanji’s grasp and moving down to his hips, bringing the blonde closer to him. Warmth from the body of his beloved was one of his favourite things in the world.
“Clingy.”
“You like it, silly.”
“I can neither confirm nor deny.”
“You’re so mean to me, baby.” Ace huffed, leading his lover back to the boys’ room, desperate to cuddle.
The boyfriends weren’t as quiet as they previously were when Sanji was pouring his heart out but thankfully, most of the crew were fast asleep at this time. Only Zoro should be around on nightwatch and he probably did notice the duo at some point but never interrupted their conversation. Maybe he saw how intimate the moment was and thought better of it.
Nonetheless, a weight had certainly been lifted off the cook’s shoulders after that conversation and developed a somewhat different outlook on life. Finally, he had been able to take a step forward without feeling as if he’d regret it later because Ace had held his hand, both metaphorically and literally.
Both of them held one another tightly as they got cosy enough to let sleep take over. Ace nuzzled against Sanji, trying to get impossibly closer to him. Physical touch was his love language; he wanted to bring his boyfriend solace and fight off all the negativity in his mind to deter the possibility of nightmares. In return, Sanji drew circles on his back.
“I love you, you know? All of you.” Ace sleepily uttered against the cook, struggling to keep his eyes open and yet he still kissed Sanji’s cheek.
“And I love all of you too,” Shyly, Sanji muttered.
Little by little, the blonde was coming out of his shell. Ace was the safe haven that he needed to be his authentic safe. For too long, he had been tired. Too many tears were shed when he knew no one was watching. All he’s ever wanted to be was the best version of himself, to be useful to someone and Luffy gave him the chance to prove himself. It wasn’t until now though that he realised that his current self was more than enough. Ace keeps him sane, keeps him happy.
In every life, he would choose Ace in a heartbeat. That’s the love he’s been chasing since he was a boy: unconditional love. There was nothing anyone could say or do to make Sanji hate the man that made him hate himself a little less. Where Sanji saw failure, Ace saw worth; Where Sanji saw weakness, Ace saw strength. The difference between their views was eye-opening for the cook.
If there’s anyone he trusts when he’s upset, it’s Ace, the love of his life.