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An arranged marriage is.. complicated. Especially one between nobles. They were always for land, connections, money, titles.. but never love. Feelings don't matter, when you have power. Or at least in theory. Money doesn’t solve all your problems, neither does a title, neither does power. And if you get high off power.. you fall off the deep end anyway.
Your family was greedy. Your father used to be an Earl, had riches, land, power, influence.. but he wasn’t satisfied. He wanted even more. So, he decided to marry his only child into another family, to make sure he got just that. He, and your mother, died in a suspicious accident, before he could get his additional riches. But, that still left you engaged.. to the Earl of Phantomhive, Ciel. He wasn’t.. the worst fiancé someone could have.. but he certainly didn’t love you, that much was clear. He did what he could to keep you happy, sometimes even seemed happy himself, but there was no denying the truth. He didn’t love you, not in that way. And you weren’t sure if you did, either.
Despite your future marriage being involuntary, you didn’t exactly hate each other. You could get along fairly well, actually. But.. it’d never get further than that. He’d never love you, and you’d never love him, that was that. It was fine that way.
Right..?
It had been a long day, of running errands together, getting clothes tailored for an upcoming event that both of you unfortunately had to attend, checking in on some business, and other things. You were both pretty tired, and rightfully so. You got into the carriage together, and began the journey back to the Phantomhive manor. Due to unforeseen circumstances, you were going to be staying there for a while. Not that Ciel seemed to mind much, anyway, as you were generally pretty quiet and tended to your own business, while he tended to his.
Today, as was the case since both of you were still children, and since both of you were noble, you got harassed by a weird man. It was nothing that serious.. you were just grabbed and yelled at a little, for not smiling enough, or something.. You handled it well, and Ciel even seemed a little concerned, but didn’t bring it up afterwards, so you figured that it didn’t matter much, and continued with your day. However, as you got in the carriage, and seemed to remember, you shifted uncomfortably a little, and Ciel noticed. He now figured that he should bring up the incident.
“Hey, about earlier today.. are you okay? You seem.. uncomfortable.” His voice was calm and.. surprisingly soft, softer than usual. Was he concerned? No, that couldn’t be it.. But how did he guess? It wasn’t that obvious..
“Oh, no, no, I’m fine..” The man didn’t really do anything, to be fair, you weren’t that uncomfortable.. It was just an unpleasant feeling, that was all. Unconsciously, you leaned back, slightly against him, maybe for a bit of comfort. Or because he was warm, yes, that, definitely that. That and nothing else. You didn’t need comfort, what for? And especially not from him, he didn’t even love you, you knew that, and you didn’t care, you didn’t love him back anyway!
..right?
It was as if your thoughts were written on your forehead, or something. Ciel could see how.. uncertain, you were. Naturally, he assumed that it was because of that man, but that didn’t seem right. He had a feeling that it was something else, something deeper. But.. he couldn’t interrogate the answer out of you, and you didn’t seem like you wanted to talk, anyway.. so he kept quiet until you arrived at his manor, in the evening.
By the time you arrived, it was already time to have dinner, and you did just that. You kept quiet throughout the whole meal, clearly thinking about something, but not putting it into words. This wasn’t an uncommon sight for you, but Ciel could definitely tell that something was wrong this time. But.. he still said nothing.
After dinner, you each washed up, and prepared to go to sleep, in your shared bedroom. Which, despite being uncommon for the time, felt.. normal to you two. And Ciel wasn’t going to let you sleep in a guest bedroom. You both settled onto the bed, and sleep began to take you, slowly, peacefully..
Until you suddenly asked a very peculiar, and very unexpected question.
“Ciel, do you..” You paused, thinking of if you should continue, but you already basically woke him up, so it’d be redundant not to. Steeling yourself, you continued.
“do you love me..?” The words came out a bit wrong, but you finally blurted them out.
“I mean.. despite pretending to for this.. marriage, thing..” You felt even a bit guilty for asking such a question and putting him in a difficult position. Of course he didn’t, and you knew that. Why did you even care? You didn’t love him, so why would it matter?
..right?
Ciel’s expression was.. unreadable. You could usually gauge people’s emotions or thoughts pretty easily.. but now? Even for you, it seemed impossible. He seemed, confused, worried, cold, all at the same time. Which one was it? Did it even matter, or would the answer be the same no matter which one it was? Would it change anything, or would he just lie?
“I..” He hesitated to answer. He wasn’t sure, either. What was your intention for asking this? What should he answer? Should he just lie to keep you happy? But you were always hard to read, too, what if you didn’t want to hear the answer that he thought you wanted to hear? At this rate, he should just be honest, since he didn’t know what to do anyway.
Before he answered, however, you spoke.
“Nevermind, you.. you don’t have to answer, it was a stupid question. Good ni-” You didn’t get to finish, however, as you were suddenly yanked out of your previous position. Uncharacteristically of him, he wrapped his arms around you, holding you decently tight. It felt.. natural, somehow. Your arms hesitantly wrapped around him as well, and he spoke.
“I don’t know, okay? I just..” He seemed to trail off again, unable to finish his sentence. Before he could find his words, you spoke again.
“You don’t have to answer right now.. and, whatever the answer is, I won’t get mad or anything, I don’t mind either way..”
“Just.. please keep holding me.” The last sentence was said in an awfully quiet voice, as if ashamed. But your arms wrapped a little tighter, yet tiredly, around him. His answer didn’t matter.. as long as he could pretend that he did, pretend that he loved you. If not for you.. then at least for your reputations, for the public.
“..okay, I can do that.” His arms stayed wrapped around you, but his mind had other thoughts. The answer to your question was certain in his head, but.. It was as if it was shrouded in a layer of fog, like he couldn’t reach it. And before he did, you already fell asleep, the exhaustion of the day catching up to you.
The next morning.. It felt a little less lonely than your shared mornings usually did, with his arms around you like this. It was nice.. even if it was just pretending.
Even if it will always be just this, pretending.