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Naively, Tom thought that this whole situation would be okay, that the first day had been the worst day and it could only go up from there. He had helped unpack Josh’s things, ordered a take away, and realised that, actually, what he said was true - Josh was still his son, Tom still loved him, and that was that.
What he had failed to remember, despite how long he had been teaching, was that whilst some kids were less kids and more young adults, for better or worse, most of them were children and would be childish beyond belief.
~~~
The incident with Finn had only been yesterday, but it was worse than Tom could have imagined, and he felt like he was back at school, the whispering, staring, pointing, echoing down the corridors, making his skin crawl. He couldn't fathom how Josh must be feeling.
“-yeah, and he’s Mr Clarkson's son!”
“Sir must be so embarrassed.”
Right, he is at school, but he’s a teacher for god's sake.
“Cooler, now, both of you.” he barked, not breaking stride as he beelined for the staffroom, the only safe place in the damn school.
Or so he thought. He could feel the atmosphere shift as soon as his hand touched the doorknob. All he wanted was five minutes of peace, and if he couldn't even get that in the staffroom…
He steeled himself and stepped inside, checking his pigeon hole as if his son wasn't the talk of the school and there weren't a dozen beady eyes boring into him.
“Good morning, Tom, how're you?”
Cesca, a god-send, the only person who hadn’t stuck their nose directly in the middle of his business.
“Yeah, good thanks.”
“And how’s Josh doing?”
Every chair in the room screeched closer, so he angled his body, kept his voice low, “Not great. He’s completely isolated, barely spoken to me at all, or anyone else for that matter.”
Cesca stirred her tea thoughtfully, not responding.
“He was going to move out,” Tom sighed, “I got home last night and he had all his bags packed. I convinced him to stay, but I'm not sure it was the right thing to do. He shouldn't have to go through this, but I don't know what else to say.”
“Maybe you don't have to say anything, maybe you just need to listen.”
~~~
The rumours were even worse on day two, and Josh seemed to be doing a fantastic job at hiding from everyone. Which was unfortunate, because Tom was trying desperately to track him down in between lessons. Josh had come home late last night and refused to speak to him, and he had left before Tom was even awake this morning, and where he had been all morning was somewhere on the list of things they needed to talk about.
Tom looked around his empty classroom, strangely enough nobody had shown up to his revision session, and was about to head out for lunch when his door creaked open. Peering round it was a very distressed looking Lauren.
“Sir, do you have a minute?”
“Yeah, is everything okay?”
She glanced furtively down the corridor before slipping into the room, standing out of sight of the windows.
“Lauren?” Tom said, panic rising even though she hadn't actually said anything yet.
“It’s, uh, it’s about Josh. I'm worried about him.”
“Okay, why? What's he said?” The way she said it reminded him of something, but he couldn't quite place it.
“Well, not anything, really, he just…”
“For god's sake, Lauren, what’s happened?”
“It’s what everyone else is saying, I don't know if you've heard it, but they're being really horrible. And, like, I don't think they’re completely wrong, he shouldn't have just kissed Finn like that, or me, but I think they’re taking it way too far.”
“Right, and obviously Josh has heard all this as well.”
“Obviously, they're saying it to him,” she snapped, rolling her eyes, “this morning I heard someone saying that gay people are wrong and shouldn’t be allowed and that they should all, well, you know.”
He didn’t, exactly, but he got the gist.
“And what did Josh say?”
“Nothing. He just looked like he was gonna cry and walked off.”
He took a deep breath, Lauren was obviously more worried than she was letting on and he didn't want to make it worse, “Okay, thank you, Lauren. Go and have some lunch and let me worry about Josh, eh? Go on.”
With his resolve doubled, Tom set out to find Josh, checking everywhere the kids would normally hide, every cupboard, every cubicle, even under the stage and on the roof.
By the time the last bell had rung, Tom had found several students and one of the newer teachers, but hadn’t even caught a glimpse of Josh, none of his calls had been returned, and his messages offering a lift home were left unanswered. He waited for almost an hour, watched the last stranglers filter haphazardly through the gate, and then remembered the hole in the back fence.
“Sneaky git.”
He drove home in silence, trying to decide what to do next, but he didn't really have many options except sitting at the dining table, holding vigil, holding hope, and holding the essays he was halfheartedly marking.
He tried to be patient, mostly patient, but the absolute drivel he was reading was driving him insane, and he could feel his rage boiling. Josh may be angry, he had every right to be, but he was still a child, his child, and he could not go gallivanting to god knows where and not at least text him.
Tom picked his phone up, stalking over to the kettle and flicking the switch as he listened to the phone ringing.
He froze.
Moved his phone away from his ear.
He could still hear a phone ringing. Not his, though.
Josh’s.
He couldn't move. His stomach had dropped to his feet, his heart jumped to his throat, and he suddenly realised this is what the conversation with Lauren had reminded him of: that awful night with Mika. His body shook with the memory of breaking down her door, his fingers practically down her throat, scooping out handfuls of pills, all because she was being bullied, because of what the other kids had been saying, and then he’s moving.
“Josh!”
He grabs the end of the banister, using his momentum to swing him round and up the first two steps.
“Josh!”
He tries the handle. Nothing.
“Josh, open this door now!” he bellows, fist pounding on the wood so hard the light above him sways.
Still nothing.
He takes a deep, heaving breath, tries not to think about what he might find, steps back, prays that josh isn't right behind the door, and starts forwards.
The door opens almost too late for Tom to catch himself, but he does, one hand on either side of the door frame, inches away from a very confused Josh. A very confused Josh who is still wearing earphones with the music so loud, Tom can feel the bass in time with his racing heart.
“Dad, what on earth are you doing?” Josh scowled, voice sharp, ripping one earphone out.
“Are you okay?” he asks, bodily moving Josh out of his way, looking for evidence of - he’s not even sure what, his mind playing hundreds of painful possibilities.
He spins round, eyes searching Josh's face for any sign of anything, but all he can see is confusion and anger.
“Were you going to break my door down? What’s wrong with you?”
“Josh, I need to know if you’re okay, I need to know if you’ve- I need to know if you've done anything… anything to hurt yourself.”
The silence is too long, every passing second making Tom's heart beat faster until he's sure he's going to pass out.
Josh blinks, once, twice, “Are you asking me if I'm trying to off myself?”
“I- yes. Yes, that's what I'm asking you.”
Josh slowly takes the other earphone out, staring at Tom like he's grown a second head, and puts them on top of his drawers.
“Right. Well, I'm not, and I don't plan to. Now it's your turn - what's wrong with you?”
Hearing it, that another one of his kids isn't trying to kill themself, makes reality come crashing back in and he realises that he’s near hyperventilating in his son's bedroom, right after he had tried to break the bloody door down.
He needs to calm down. He's needed to calm down since everything started two days ago. He needs a drink.
“Fancy a brew?”
~~~
Tom doesn't even know where to begin, staring blankly into his mug, watching it ripple as Josh fidgets on the other side of the table.
“Why did you think I was trying to kill myself?”
“Lauren told me what people had been saying to you.”
Josh was completely closed off, arms crossed, raised eyebrow and pursed lips, “So your next step was to break my door down? Bit of a leap.”
Tom rubbed his hand over his jaw and steeled himself. “This house, it wasn't always mine. It was my girlfriend’s, Izzie’s, and her daughters’, Chlo and Mika.”
“Where are they now?”
Part of Tom wanted to lie, or maybe just not tell him, wanted to keep Josh away from that bit of his life, away from Izzie and Lorna and Brett bloody Aspinall. The other part knew that Josh deserved to know, and that being honest here could give Josh the confidence to do the same.
“Izzie, she uhm, she died. She got stabbed in the school car park. I moved in here with the girls, tried my best. They're both at uni now, and Chlo’s got a little girl. They're good girls, I'm proud of them both.”
“I'm sorry, Dad, I didn't know.”
“Of course you didn't, it's alright. It was- it was a lot, it's not easy to talk about.”
Josh hummed absently, a faint flicker of anger still dancing behind his confused squint, “I don't understand what that has to do with earlier.”
“Before Izzie died, Mika was being bullied, it all started out as rumours, but it got really bad. Me and Izzie hadn’t heard her come home, so we called her, heard her phone upstairs, door was locked, I broke it down. She was trying to take a bunch of pills.”
“So when you heard my phone ringing…”
Tom nodded, gripping his mug tightly to hide the tremors of fear racking his body.
Josh came to stand next to Tom, shuffling awkwardly, “I know I've been a bit funny since, you know, but I'll get through it, it's not the first time I've had rumours about me.”
“But you know you don't have to get through it by yourself. I know you said you would, I know I was an arse, but,” Tom turned to face Josh fully, holding his gaze, “whatever issues I had were my own. You are my son and that's all that matters.”
Josh smiled, just a small one, but it was more than Tom had seen in two days, so he stood up, pulling Josh in close, ruffling his mop of curly hair.
“Alright, enough of that,” Josh huffs, “I'm starving.”
“I think there's pizza in the freezer.”
“Can we get a chinese? It’s been a really rough week.” Josh says, trying not to smile.
“You know we have to eat proper food sometimes, we can't always get take away.” Tom tried, avoiding the kicked-puppy look Josh was giving him, “Fine. Go grab the menu.”