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“I’ve got you… it’s ok, I’ve got you.” Harvey whispers the words into Mike’s ear as he holds him still. “Shhh, it’s ok. You’re safe, I’ve got you.”
The nightmares have been back recently. They never really went away but this month has been particularly bad and Harvey knows why.
It’s almost two years to the day since he went there, to Danbury.
****
The first time it happened was about a year after Mike started working for him. He’d turned up at the door soaking wet, waving a contract in Harvey’s face, jabbering on about how it was the missing piece to their puzzle.
Harvey doesn’t make a habit of letting people crash on his couch, but the case in question had dragged out weeks longer than anyone had expected, and in truth they were all completely exhausted. Which may be a small part of the reason why Harvey had made the generous (idiotic) decision to let Mike stay…
“Harvey,” Mike said breathlessly as the door swung open. “I got it!”
He was completely drenched from heat to toe, hair all a mess and looking more like a drowned rat than a human being.
He pushed past Harvey, not waiting for an invitation (no changes there then) and wandered off down the hall explaining everything as he went.
“Mike”
Nothing.
Harvey followed after him, doing his best to avoid the puddles, yes puddles, that were quickly appearing on his hard wood floors.
“Mike!”
The other man spun a round, massive grin on his face like he’d just solved world hunger.
“What are you doing here?”
Harvey waved his arms around generally, doing his best to convey the fact that he was less than pleased about the interruption to his evening. Well, if you could still call it the evening, it was almost midnight.
“I’ve found the missing piece" Mike waved the file at him again. “There’s a line in their bylaws that states that they can-”
He stopped talking when Harvey stepped closer.
“As much as I am enjoying this little conversation” Harvey sighed and rubbed his hand over his face, he really just wanted to go to bed. “It’s been a long day, and we both need sleep.”
“But-” Mike tried to push back.
“No buts, you can crash here if you need to, but I’m going to bed. We can talk about the case in the morning.”
Harvey watched as Mike’s expression went from hurt to confusion to joy as he spoke.
“What, I can stay here?”
“On the couch” Harvey pointed vaguely at his living room. “I’d let you take the guest room but the bed’s not made.”
“Oh…cool, yeah” Mike stuttered. “Thank you”
“Don’t think it’s because I care.” Harvey warned when Mike’s smile got a little too big. “But if you die of hypothermia, I won’t have anyone to do my grunt work anymore.”
Mike glared at him mockingly so Harvey flicked him his most dashing smile and sauntered off towards the bedroom, returning a few minutes later with a blanket and change of clothes (he's not completely heartless).
“Bathrooms down the hall” Harvey indicated as he handed Mike the clothes.
“Thanks Harvey”
He gave Mike one final nod and then turned, heading to bed properly this time.
--
Harvey's eyes flew open. He could have sworn he heard someone shouting. Well more like screaming actually, cold and scared. But by the time he came to his senses, it was gone.
He pulled himself upright and glanced over at the clock on the nightstand, the red light told him it was 3:47am, well at least he’d been asleep for a few hours. He tried to listen out for any sign of movement from his guest, had it been Mike that shouted? Should he go and check on him? What is the etiquette when your employee (friend?) is sleeping on your couch, and may or may not be having a nightmare?
He sat still for a few more minutes, listening out for any sound that might indicate that Mike was anything other than ok. Nothing. All he heard was silence, and the occasional sound of traffic from the city below.
In the end Harvey decided that he must have imagined it. He lay back down and rolled over, eventually drifting back off to sleep.
Mike didn’t say anything in the morning and Harvey certainly wasn’t going to bring it up. He could imagine the conversation. ‘Oh hey Mike, did you happen to wake up screaming last night? ’ Yep, he wasn’t going to go there.
So that was it, Harvey put it down to his sleep deprived imagination and neither of them mentioned it at all.
Until….
****
“Look,” Harvey leant heavily on the desk in front of him. “We have money, I can pay-”
“I’m sorry sir, but no amount of money is going to help you. We simply don’t have any more rooms free.” The hotel receptionist looked as if he was about at the end of his tether, and to be honest so was Harvey. “So, you can either take the one room we do have, or I can refund that reservation and you can try somewhere else?”
“Fine” Harvey finally gave in with a sigh. “We’ll take the one room.”
He took the key cards begrudgingly and walked back over to join Mike who was busy falling asleep in one of the armchairs in the lobby
“Buckly up rookie” he nudged Mike with his knee and laughed as he jerked awake. “We’re sharing a room.”
“What?” Mike’s eyes widened.
“You heard” Harvey started to gather up his bags. "There's been some system error and they’ve only allocated us one room.”
“But can’t they…isn’t there another? Can’t we… I mean I could”
“Don’t you think I would have paid for another room if I could?” Harvey rolled his eyes. “There’s no space.”
“But…but” Mike stammered. “Maybe I could just stay down here, or…or find a different hotel, or-”
“Mike!” Harvey’s ashamed to say he finally snapped. The hurt on Mike’s face was enough to make his stomach squirm but he was absolutely exhausted.
“Look,” his voice softened. “I don’t like this anymore that you do, but we’re just going to have to make do. I’m exhausted and I'd like at least a few hours of sleep before we continue the negotiations tomorrow. So, if you're done complaining, let’s go.”
“Fine” it was Mike’s turn to roll his eyes but he did eventually stand up and follow Harvey towards the elevators.
All things considered, the room was about as good as they could have hoped for under the circumstances; two beds, plenty of space and a coffee machine that Harvey would definitely be making use of in the morning.
He set about unpacking what he needed from his bag and then went into the bathroom to change, sparing little thought for Mike who had been sitting rigidly at the end of the bed since they’d entered.
By the time he was done and had walked back into the room, Mike had changed into a pair of grey joggers and a plain white tee. He gave Harvey an awkward smile before slipping past him into the bathroom.
Harvey didn’t bother waiting before he slid into bed and turned off his bedside lamp. If Mike wanted to act strangely then so be it, he wasn’t going to lose any sleep over it, probably.
The alarm woke him with a start, he rolled over to shut it up and groaned. Why had he agreed to meet the clients at 8am?
He hauled himself out of bed and padded towards the bathroom. He’d expected to have to shake Mike awake on his way back but surprisingly his associate was already sitting upright, fully clothed and reading a book.
“When did you wake up?” he asked sleepily.
“Erm” Mike looked up from his book and that’s when Havey saw the deep circles under his eyes.
“Did you sleep at all?”
“Yes!” Mike snapped back, almost too quickly. “Um yeah, yeah of course I did.”
Harvey shrugged and continued getting ready, he put it down to Mike’s odd sleeping habits, the man was used to pulling strange hours in the office so Harvey decided it wasn’t worth worrying about.
For now.
****
The next time they found themselves sleeping in the same vicinity was yet again an unlucky (lucky?) accident.
The most ridiculous part of it all was that this time they actually had two rooms. It should have been easy, straightforward; out for a quick drink, back to the hotel and up early to meet the clients at their new office. What could possibly go wrong?
“Right” Harvey announced once they were more than a few drinks deep. “We have to be up early tomorrow, time to call it a night.”
“Spoilsport” Mike grumbled as he downed the rest of his scotch.
They managed to stumble into the back of a cab, Harvey gave the driver their hotel address and it didn’t take them long to get back. He handed over a stack of bills from his wallet and looked round to see Mike leaning against the window, already half asleep.
“Mike!” he shook his shoulder, maybe a little harder than necessary but the alcohol was having a larger effect on his motor skills than he was prepared to admit.
“I’m awake!” Mike jumped in his seat.
Harvey couldn’t help but laugh.
They clambered out of the cab together and managed to make it into the elevator without too much trouble. But when they got to the right floor Mike suddenly froze.
“What?” Harvey stopped, turning round to see what was going on.
“Erm…” Mike was patting furiously at his pockets. “My room key”
Oh no.
“I think I left it in the bar…”
“Nope”
Harvey turned and continued walking down the hallway toward their rooms. He was not dealing with this, Mike could sort it out on his own.
“Harveeeey” Mike wined as he ran to catch up with him. “At least let me use the phone in your room so I don’t have to traipse all the way back down to reception?”
Harvey took a deep breath, all he wanted to do was climb into bed and fall asleep, the quicker the better.
“Fine.” he eventually agreed. “But in, phone, back out again ok? I’m tired.”
“Thank you” Mike launched himself at Harvey, pulling him into a hug.
Harvey rolled his eyes and tried his best not to think about the fact that Mike was now pressed up against him, about how he could feel his breath against his cheek, smell the scotch they had shared. His lips, almost within-
Nope, not going there Harvey, you're drunk.
He let them into his room, Harvey walked in first and Mike stumbled after him.
“I’m gonna use the bathroom,” Harvey announced. “Phone is there,” he gestured towards the hotel phone on the nightstand. “Use it and then skedaddle."
“Aye aye captain” Mike saluted at him and then turned to use the phone.
By the time Harvey emerged from the bathroom, feeling at least a little fresher having brushed his teeth, Mike was lying face down on the bed, fully clothed, receiver still in his right hand.
Harvey groaned, he really didn't have the energy for this, but he plucked the phone out of Mike’s hand and put it back down where it belonged.
“Mike” he hissed, shaking his shoulder.
Nothing, the man didn't even flinch.
“Mike” he tried again, a little louder this time.
Still nothing, he was out cold.
Harvey stood for a second, staring down at Mike's sleeping form (not in a creepy way he swears). In the end he resigned himself to the fact that Mike was not going to be waking up any time soon and that they would once again be sharing a room.
Being the good friend that he is, he carefully pulled off Mike’s shoes and jacket so at least he could be a little more comfortable. Then, deciding that it would be ungentlemanly of him to actually get into bed with Mike without his consent, Harvey got himself changed and grabbed the spare blanket from the wardrobe before settling down on the couch (thank god, he paid for the premium room).
It was surprisingly comfortable, and with the sound of Mike’s gentle snores in the background, he found himself drifting off to sleep with relative ease.
--
“No! Please!”
Harvey woke with a start. What the hell?
“No, no please come back!” The voice shouted again.
Mike.
Harvey whipped round, suddenly panicking. It was Mike that was shouting, well maybe shouting wasn’t the right word, he wasn’t really sure.
“Mike?” he called out.
The room was dark, Harvey squinted in the direction of the bed, he could just about make Mike out amongst the covers. He’d somehow got himself tangled up and was now battling to get free.
Harvey froze, he had no idea what to do.
Mike whimpered again as he tugged at the blanket covering his chest.
“Mike?” Harvey said again as he jumped to his feet.
He quickly moved round to the side of the bed, Mike was now within touching distance. But what should he do? Aren’t you supposed to let people be when they're having a nightmare? Wait, no, is that sleepwalking? His mind was in overdrive. Deciding that anything was better than nothing he gently shook Mike’s shoulder.
Mike stirred slightly, but he didn’t wake.
“No, no please!” Mike shouted again.
“Mike.” Harvey shook him harder. “Mike, wake up, it’s me. It’s Harvey.”
“No!”
Harvey felt an arm connect with his jaw, he stumbled backwards, hitting into the wall with a resounding thud.
“Harvey? Wha…whas happening?”
Harvey stood up straighter again, massaging his face. He could see that Mike was now awake, and was looking at him with a mixture of confusion and fear on his face.
“Oh my god” Mike gasped. “Did I do that?”
“No harm done” Harvey said as he ran his tongue over his teeth, he could taste blood, apparently a sleeping Mike could pack quite the punch. “Well nothing permanent anyway.” He tried to laugh it off, but Mike just looked at him, mortified.
“Harvey I’m so sorry”
“Don’t sweat it” Harvey tried to reassure him. “It was an accident.”
“Oh god” Mike buried his face in his hands.
Harvey just stood there, looking at him, he wasn't sure what he should do next. Would Mike expect him to comfort him? No, they didn’t really have that kind of relationship. Did they?
“Wait, why am I here?” Mike suddenly asked, pulling Harvey back to the present.
“You fell asleep, I didn't want to wake you.” Harvey shrugged as if it wasn’t a big deal that he’d been kicked out of his own bed.
“But…where are you? What’s-”
“Honestly Mike, don’t worry about it. Let’s both try and get back to sleep, yeah?”
“Yeah,” Mike agreed, nodding. Still not 100% with it apparently, “yeah ok”
Harvey made a quick trip to the bathroom to assess the damage to his face. It was a little red, but nothing too serious. By the time he got back to the bedroom Mike was sitting up, he followed Harvey with his eyes as he made his way round to the couch.
“Do you want the bed? He asked. “I can take the couch.”
“And risk you rolling off and hurting yourself? No thanks.” Harvey tried to keep it light but Mike’s face made it clear he still wasn’t in the mood for jokes.
Harvey settled himself back down on the couch and turned towards Mike.
“You wanna talk about it?” He asked.
Mike studied him for a second
“Maybe,” he said quietly as he let out a sigh. “But not just now.”
“Okay” Harvey smiled. “Well goodnight then.”
“Night Harvey.”
Harvey didn’t sleep a wink for the rest of the night. His mind just kept replaying the sounds he heard from Mike, how desperate and alone he sounded. It had sparked something deep down inside him, something he couldn’t shake.
****
It took them almost three months to talk about it. Mike came round, it had started off as work but morphed into an evening of food and beer and well, company. It was something that had been happening more and more since Mike had broken it off with Rachel the previous year. The night in the hotel shouldn’t have changed anything, not really, except it had.
They were each a good few drinks deep when Mike started talking. It came out of nowhere, the film they had been watching finished, Harvey was busy tidying up when Mike walked over and joined him in the kitchen.
“I’ve always had them,” he began. “Since I was a kid.”
It took Harvey a second to figure out what Mike was talking about but when he did it started to make sense.
“You’d think it would have started when my parents died.” Mike continued, not waiting for Harvey to respond. “I can't remember what they used to be about to be honest. I guess the normal things that kids have nightmares about, monsters hiding under the bed, getting lost in the store, I think my imagination used to run a bit wild, you know?” He laughed.
Yeah, Harvey supposed he could imagine. Mike’s mind is like nothing he’s ever seen before, it’s no wonder tiny Mike’s brain could conjure up all kinds of scenarios.
“But as I got older, after my parents died, they became about the crash. Well, not all of them, but most of the time I think. I can’t always remember what they’re about once I’ve woken up.”
Harvey nodded. Mike had been pretty out of it that night at the hotel.
“I wasn’t even there, you know when they…” He trailed off but Harvey knew what he was trying to say. Mike wasn’t in the car when it happened but he can still imagine what it must have been like.
“Anyway, I dream like I was there, either with them in the car, or watching from the sidelines. I always think there’s something I can do, that somehow I’ll be able to stop it. But every time, it happens anyway, the car crashes, and they die.”
Mike paused for a second. Harvey wanted to speak, wanted to try and bring some comfort to him but he couldn’t find the right words, nothing he could say could possibly make this any easier.
“Most of the time that’s when I wake up, but sometimes I have to stand and watch what happens after. I beg and scream for them to wake up and be ok, but it always ends the same way.”
“God Mike” Harvey finally managed to speak. “I can’t even begin to imagine…I’m sorry, that’s…” he trails off.
Mike just continued to look at the floor. Harvey felt so helpless, there must be something he could do?
Eventually Mike cleared his throat. “As I say, it’s not always the accident. Sometimes it’s about work, about the firm. Or sometimes it’s me losing the people I love; my parents, Grammy…you.”
Mike’s head flicked up as he said that and their eyes met, finally. Harvey could see the pain behind them, the darkness that was hidden behind the bright blue.
“Mike,” Harvey said softly.
He took a step closer. The air between them was thick, Harvey felt his breath catch as Mike’s eyes flicked down to his lips and back up again.
Was this really happening? Did he want it to?
He stepped closer again, just a small step, half a foot at most. Close enough though, so close that he could feel Mike’s breath on his skin.
Beep
The dishwasher chimed behind him signalling the end of the cycle and Harvey automatically turned his head towards the source of the noise.
“Erm, I should…” Mike stammered. “I should get going.”
No, Harvey wanted to say. Please stay, I don’t want you to leave, not yet. But instead he just stood there and watched Mike walk out of the door.
Fuck.
They didn’t talk about it again. They didn’t talk about the nightmares, and they definitely didn’t talk about the other thing. They didn’t really have a chance.
Two weeks later Mike was arrested.
****
It was a Tuesday.
The day Mike was released was a sunny Tuesday in September. Harvey picked him up and brought him back to his. They'd agreed that it might be best for Mike to have company, especially for the first few days whilst he acclimatised to his new life on the outside.
Harvey had spent a lot of time getting the guest bedroom ready for his stay. He wanted Mike to be comfortable but most of all, he wanted him to have his own space, somewhere he could retreat to if it all got a bit too much.
That first night was the worst. Mike was exhausted, Harvey too. They went to bed early, Mike promising to come and speak to Harvey if he needed anything, no matter how small.
Harvey couldn’t sleep. He’d left his door open ever so slightly, just in case. He’d told Mike he should do the same, but he hadn’t gone down to check whether or not he had, the last thing he wanted was for Mike to feel smothered.
He knows he must have fallen asleep eventually because when he woke his heart was racing.
He heard Mike’s shouts. It was the same as it had been that night in the hotel. Except it wasn’t, this time Mike wasn’t just shouting nonsense, he was shouting a name, one name in particular, Harvey’s.
And that sound, the sound of his own name being shouted in such desperation by a man who was normally so strong, that broke something inside of Harvey.
Mike was awake by the time Harvey got there. He was sitting on the edge of the bed, back turned and elbows resting on his knees. He looked round when Harvey pushed the door open.
“Mike?” Harvey said softly.
“Sorry,” Mike said. “I didn't mean to wake you.”
Harvey took a step closer, and then another when Mike didn’t make any effort to move. He tentatively sat down on the bed next to him, the soft mattress curving with his weight so that their legs pressed together.
“You ok?” Harvey asked. It was probably a stupid question but it was all he had.
“Yeah” Mike looked at him and smiled. “Thanks”
“Is there anything I can do to help? Glass of water, we can watch something, whatever will-”
Mike cut him off by placing his hand gently onto Harvey’s thigh.
“Just,” he said softly. “Stay...please.”
One word, one simple instruction. Stay .
****
So that’s what Harvey did.
He stayed that first night, and then the second and the third.
One week in and Mike came to sleep in Harvey’s room. The bed was bigger, sheets were softer, it just made sense.
One month in and they decided that Mike should just stay for good. Harvey helped him move his things and sell his old apartment, Mike always said it had stopped feeling like home after Rachel left anyway.
One year in and they were officially a couple. In hindsight it had felt inevitable from the start, even if it had taken some encouragement, and a few stern words from Donna, for them to take the plunge and actually just admit that it's what they both wanted. And god did Harvey want it.
The nightmares haven’t gone away completely, but they’re less frequent even than they were before prison. Sometimes Mike goes weeks without them and other times he’ll have to go through it every night.
But each time he does, Harvey is right there.
It’s never gotten any easier. Harvey’s heart still breaks every time Mike wakes up screaming, but he knows his own suffering is nothing compared to what Mike has had to endure, what he still endures.
So every time it happens, Harvey is there next to him.
He whispers in his ear “I’ve got you… it’s ok, I’ve got you,” as he holds him still. “Shhh, it’s ok. You’re safe, I’ve got you.”
Eventually the nightmare goes away and Mike comes back to him. He holds him tight and tells him “I love you.”
And when Mike falls back to sleep in Harvey’s arms, Harvey promises that he'll never have to go through it alone, because Harvey will be there and he’ll stay, every single time.