Archive of Our Own

It was a hot summer night in New York City and Quinn and Rachel were this close to killing each other in Brittany and Santana's living room.

"You know, Quinn, if you didn't want to watch Funny Girl for the third time this week, you could have just said so!" Rachel huffed.

"I did say so, Rachel," Quinn snapped back. "Like five times. You just didn't hear me because you were too busy singing over the movie. You're not even supposed to be here to begin with!"

"Well excuse me for trying to be a good friend and provide you with my company!"

''Yeah well, I never asked you for your company!''

This was not how Quinn had envisioned things going when Brittany and Santana had called her up and asked if she'd house sit their apartment while they went on a week long vacation.

Brittany had just signed an amazing deal to take her online series to a major network and naturally she wanted to celebrate by treating Santana and herself to a romantic getaway. ''I want Santana to do me somewhere warm and tropical so we're going out of town. Can you house sit for us?'' was the text she received late one evening.

It just sort of worked out perfectly though. Quinn had been wanting to take some time off to unwind for months and so she jumped at the opportunity to spend a week in New York. She thought she could visit some museums, browse a few trendy boutiques and check out from her real world responsibilities. She even planned to coordinate a coffee date with Kurt and Blaine but somehow despite Quinn being covert about her location, Rachel had managed to sniff out that she was in town for a prolonged period.

Once Rachel found out that she would be staying in New York for a week inside Brittany and Santana's vacant apartment, she insisted that she join Quinn. "It'll be like a week long sleepover!" Rachel had said when she showed up with an overnight bag and vegan friendly snacks on Quinn's second night in the city.

Quinn bit her tongue. She and Rachel had more or less found some common ground with each other and put past petty issues aside. Truthfully they had made a lot of progress, especially as they moved past adolescence and into adulthood. Rachel Berry was still A LOT, but with time and distance Quinn found her never ending excitement and persistence more palatable. Almost even charming. They weren't besties or anything but they liked each other's Instagram posts on a consistent basis and that was something.

Of course Quinn was super careful that when Santana and Brittany checked in with her over the phone she conveniently left out the fact that Rachel was bunkering down with her at their place. She didn't need Santana blowing up at her because she ''didn't want Berry putting her Troll hands all over the apartment.'' Plus Quinn figured that by the end of their vacation Santana would probably be too relaxed and sexed out to care so if push came to shove, she'd break it to her then.

And so for the first couple of days Quinn and Rachel found their rhythm together. Rachel would wake up early and make breakfast and always had Quinn's coffee steaming hot and ready for her, just the way she liked it. ''I still remember how you took your coffee at the Lima Bean,'' Rachel said brightly. Rachel had even taken to planning their outings down to the tiniest details. It would have been annoying except for the fact that she knew New York a little more intimately and showed Quinn all the best brunch spots and record stores and even introduced Quinn to the cutest, most quaint independent bookstore because ''you were always reading in the back of the choir room and I knew you'd appreciate a literary adventure.'' Rachel also knew the most perfect spot to sit and read and relax under the beautiful, massive trees in Central Park. And then, every night before bed Rachel made them both tea and always brought it to Quinn on an intricately laid out serving tray, curated with fancy cookies, a tealight candle and a tiny but adorable plant.

Quinn felt taken care of and almost, well, pampered. It was nice. Too nice. Too cozy. Too…domestic.

And there was something about it all that just made Quinn's eye twitch.

And so on their third evening together as they sat on Santana and Brittany's couch and Rachel ate popcorn out of Quinn's bowl and leaned her head against her shoulder Quinn just…snapped.

"WE'RE NOT MARRIED!"

And thus began a huge blowout argument between them about Rachel being too clingy and smothering while Rachel said Quinn was reverting back to her icy, emotionally constipated ways. They went back and forth, stomping all around Santana and Brittany's apartment. Rachel and Quinn might not have been a married couple but it became quickly clear that they sure could fight like one. Quinn realized she took it too far when she brought Funny Girl into it.

"Wow, Quinn. If my company is soooo bothersome and soooo unenjoyable then maybe I should just leave!" Rachel huffed.

Quinn shrugged. "Maybe you should."

With that Rachel turned dramatically and made for Brittany and Santana's bedroom where she had been sleeping for the past few nights. Quinn wasn't sure what exactly compelled her but she followed after her friend and watched for a second as Rachel made a huge production of gathering her belongings and stuffing them dramatically into her overnight bag.

"Okay, can we just take a minute and breathe?" Quinn asked. ''You don't have to go.''

Rachel turned around to look at her, her brimming with tears and shoulders shaking with emotion, looking like a woman about to walk out of a tumultuous marriage.

Quinn exhaled and gathered herself. Sure, they were bickering but she didn't think it had gotten to the point of tears. She certainly hadn't meant to lash out like that. They'd evolved beyond all of those petty high school games they used to play. They weren't competing for anything or anyone anymore, they had grown into their own but it seemed they obviously still had a long way to go.

Or at least Quinn knew she did anyway.

She went to Rachel and placed her hands on her shoulders and slowly let them fall until she took Rachel's hands within her own and just held them.

''I'm sorry, okay?'' Quinn said softly and sincerely. ''I shouldn't have said what I said. I was just overwhelmed.''

''And maybe I was being a little smothering,'' Rachel sniffled.

Quinn raised an eyebrow.

''Okay, a lot smothering,'' Rachel amended. ''I know we're not married okay.'' She laughed at this point, a tiny smile even broke through on her face. ''It's just that you and I so rarely get to see each other. I wanted to make the most of it. I see Santana and Brittany all the time and don't get me wrong, I love them, I do, but you and I…our history is different. Special. I know we're not gal pals or whatever but we've gotten to a really peaceful, beautiful place in our friendship. I thought we had anyway.''

''We have,'' Quinn admitted. ''I like the friends that we've become. You've been amazing the past couple of days, showing me around the city, taking me to all of these little out of the way places, making me home cooked meals. Yesterday you even drew me a bath. I guess I'm just not used to being so…taken care of. Most of it has actually been really nice.''

''Oh?'' Rachel perked up at this with an eager tone.

Quinn could tell the shorter woman wanted to elaborate so she did. ''I mean if they were here, Santana would not be getting up early to make me breakfast every morning or expertly serve my coffee just the way I like it. Sure, Brittany might pour me a bowl of cereal but I'd probably have to eat it while listening to her talk about the sex habits of seahorses or some other absurd, wildly inappropriate topic. I love them, but the friendship you and I have now…is so much softer than what I have with them. More complex yes, but softer.''

Rachel smiled and tilted her head up, almost proud. ''Yeah?''

''I mean getting my bath water ready for me was probably a step too far but yeah.'' Quinn laughed. ''And if you're up for it, maybe we can try this again? Start over, I mean. I know I was pretty grumbly about it at the start of the week but hanging out with you has been nice. You're right that we haven't done it enough and I'd hate for one little hiccup to ruin everything between us."

"You mean it?"

"We can even watch Funny Girl again."

Rachel smiled but shook her head. "How about you pick the movie instead and I'll make the popcorn.''

''Deal.''

''Let me just unpack these few things…'' Rachel pulled her belongings out of her overnight bag and went to place them back into the top drawer of a dresser that Rachel herself had emptied out at the start of the week to make room for her own things. Quinn was about to head out, back to the living room when Rachel's voice caused her to halt.

''What is this?'' the shorter woman asked.

Quinn paused for the briefest of moments. This was exactly why she had opted to sleep in the guest room every night, she knew if she slept in Santana and Brittany's bedroom she might stumble onto something weird or disgusting. Those two had been married for a number of years but still carried on like the ridiculous horny idiots they were back in high school. Quinn didn't even want to think about what they might be hiding at the back of a dresser drawer.

Quinn held up a cautious hand. ''Whatever it is, just put it back and wash your hands.''

Rachel didn't listen. She just held up the item for Quinn to see. It wasn't a frightening sex toy though, no. It was a homemade DVD in a slim case. This wasn't incredibly surprising to Quinn. Brittany and Santana had made that one sex tape back in high school, it wasn't totally unreasonable to assume they had made others throughout the years. But what made this disc odd was the fact that it had Rachel and Quinn's name on it.

''Why would they have a disc with our names written on it?'' Rachel wondered.

Quinn squinted and yanked it from Rachel's hands to read the messy scrawl written in marker. ''The Rachel Berry-Quinn Fabray Pornographic Universe: XXX. What the hell?''

X

Ten minutes later Quinn and Rachel were back in the living room sitting in front of the TV as they watched, horrified. Well, Quinn was horrified, Rachel was more intrigued, like she was watching some thinky art house piece that required her full attention.

On screen Brittany was dressed as Quinn during her senior year which okay, even Quinn could admit, back then she kind of dressed like a prim and proper conservative Strawberry Shortcake. Cute but extremely rigid. Quinn's style had evolved since then but Brittany was clearly full on cosplaying her high school era self.

The camera did a head to toe pan as Brittany-Quinn leaned against the wall, looked intensely into the lens and spoke in Quinn's low, dry register. ''I'm Quinn, I'm cold and perfect, I love Jesus, prayer and feeling superior to everyone else. Also bacon.''

It then cut to another panning shot, this time the camera was on Santana who was in full on Rachel Berry drag. Her hair was straight and parted down the middle. She wore an almost too tight sweater vest and plaid skirt and when she spoke she did so in some hyper clipped perky Broadway voice.

"And I'm Rachel Berry,'' Santana-Rachel proclaimed. ''I'm so talented and full of myself! I never shut up. Barbra, gold stars, Broadway."

Quinn and Rachel continued to watch. It was almost like Santana and Brittany were larping as the two of them, but like, sexy larping. Their voices, the outfits, it was very much obviously Quinn and Rachel, but like a version of them that was on crack.

Rachel's cheeks were red but she didn't look upset. "I… I don't know if I'm flattered or violated."

"Oh, you're flattered," Quinn said dryly. "I'm the one who's violated! I knew those two sexed up dummies were into some weird stuff but this crosses a line. It's perverse, it's disgusting, it's-''

''SSHHHH,'' Rachel said, flapping her hands in front of Quinn's mouth in an attempt to hush her. ''The scene changed!''

The scene had indeed changed. It was still obviously the married couple's apartment but it looked like Santana and Brittany had dressed it up to look like the glee club choir room with rows of chairs and even a baby grand piano.

''Did they rent a whole ass piano for this roleplay?!'' Quinn hollered at the screen.

Rachel made no reply and simply turned the volume up as Brittany-Quinn and Santana-Rachel seemed to be having an intense and heated exchange as they stood on opposite sides of the piano.

"God, Rachel, you're so bossy and overbearing," Brittany-Quinn said. "Do you ever get tired of yapping that giant mouth of yours?"

"No, as a matter of fact," Santana-Rachel shrilled. "Maybe you should ask yourself why you spend so much time thinking about my giant mouth to begin with?"

''It's certainly not because I'm rigid and repressed and can't admit my unbearable longing for you!''

''Oh Quinn,'' Santana-Rachel sighed dramatically. ''Let's just stop playing games and admit what's right in front of us.''

Brittany-Quinn shivered as if overcome with intense horniness. ''God, Rachel, I've been waiting to hear that since sophomore year.''

Santana-Rachel and Brittany-Quinn then proceeded to make out against the piano as they began to peel their clothes off with abandon. Brittany-Quinn pushed Santana-Rachel's ass up and onto the keys, causing a series of messy notes to fill the room.

''Rachel, wait,'' Brittany-Quinn said all breathy-like. ''Keep the knee socks on.''

''That's it! I can't watch this!'' Quinn felt like she was malfunctioning. She felt flustered, angry and scandalized.

''It was just getting good,'' Rachel said as she popped the discarded popcorn from earlier into her mouth.

Outraged, Quinn slapped the bucket out of Rachel's lap. ''Why are you not angry?''

''Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery,'' Rachel answered and leaned back, unbothered by the video or Quinn's mild emotional breakdown taking place.

''They're using us in their gross horny shenanigans.''

Rachel waved her hand at Quinn's general presence. ''Okay, all of this is taking me back to Celibacy Club era Quinn. I would have thought you had outgrown such prudeish mindsets.''

''Uhh, I have. I'm not upset because they're kinky, I'm upset because they're roleplaying sexy times as us. You're really not bothered by it?"

Rachel lifted a shoulder in indifference. "It's ridiculous but for them? Completely on brand. Anyway this is not even the weirdest or most chaotic thing they've done. At my last birthday party they brought a pinata custom made to look like me and encouraged all of my guests to beat the crap out of it. You were there.''

''I was the one who took your head off.''

''I've long since resigned myself to the fact that being friends with Santana and Brittany requires patience and occasionally some slight humiliation. At least Santana made me look hot here.'' Rachel gestured to the screen. Santana-Rachel was looking like a total smokeshow in her knee highs and plaid.

Brittany-Quinn and Santana-Rachel had progressed from making out to full on grinding on screen. The shiny black baby grand piano was moving ever so subtly with each pump of their hips.

Santana-Rachel breathed heavily as she went to town. ''Do you like it when I take control, Quinn? Say it. Say it!"

Brittany-Quinn whimpered and groaned. "Yes! Oh Rachel! You're so…tiny yet powerful."

That was it. That was the line and it had officially been crossed. Quinn grabbed the remote and stopped the playback.

''Well, Rachel, maybe you're fine with whatever the hell this is, but I'm not.'' Quinn pulled her phone out and tapped at the screen with some pointed intensity. "In fact I'm calling them right now to yell at them."

"Quinn, they're on a romantic getaway," Rachel reasoned. ''You can always yell at them when they get back. Screeching at them over the phone isn't going to accomplish anything, except make Santana angry.''

Quinn wasn't hearing any of that though as she held up her hand and hit the speakerphone button.

On the third ring, Brittany answered, sounding breathless and giggly. "Hello?"

"Brittany, what the hell?!" Quinn hollered.

They heard some rustling on the other end and then Santana's voice. Brittany had obviously moved her phone to where it could pick both of them up. ''What's going on?'' Santana asked, sounding annoyed.

Quinn huffed. ''What's going on? What's going on is Rachel and I found your gross little sex tape!''

''Wait a second, what the hell is Rachel doing there in our apartment?'' Santana questioned. ''One of the guidelines we gave you when you said you'd housesit, is to not allow Berry entrance.''

''I'm on the line, you know,'' Rachel said.

Quinn scoffed at Santana's outrage over Rachel's presence. ''Santana, we're so far beyond that right now, deal with it. Rachel is here and we stumbled across your Rachel Berry-Quinn Fabray roleplay sex tape.''

''Did you like it?'' Brittany asked. ''The script went through several revisions. We spent weeks workshopping it.''

''That doesn't surprise me,'' Rachel chirped in an almost gushing, complimentary way. ''I can tell you both did a lot of intense cerebral character work.''

''Brittany is a great director,'' Santana added with pride. ''It's easy to give a good performance when you have a director open to collaboration. It really helped the atmosphere on set and I feel like that's reflected in the finished film.''

''You know,'' Brittany continued. ''I really believed in the story and wanted to bring it to life. The Rachel Berry-Quinn Fabray Pornographic Universe is, I like to think, my Citizen Kane.''

''It really is, babe,'' Santana said sweetly. ''And Rachel, if you really want a peek into the process I highly recommend clicking on the DVD bonus features. Brittany did a fantastic Director's Commentary track where she talks about her vision and-''

''I need everyone to shut the hell up!'' Quinn shouted. ''We're not talking about a Christopher Nolan film here, okay. Santana, Brittany, you made a porno of Rachel and me, why? Rachel and I aren't even a couple.''

''Exactly,'' Brittany said.

''Yeah, that's what made it so hot,'' Santana explained.

''It started off as a joke,'' Brittany elaborated. ''Santana and I always used to laugh about how you and Rachel have some smexy tension.''

''You have to admit, Q, the two of you were weirdly obsessed with each other in high school,'' Santana said. ''Brittany and I always thought the real reason the two of you picked at each other was because you both wanted to bone.''

''It was a joke that turned into a bit that turned into, well, a sex tape,'' said Brittany. ''Not to toot our own horn but it was one of our better sex tapes too. Believe it or not every once in a while we have a flop. Trust me you don't want to see the one we did a few months back, Chang on Chang.''

Quinn closed her eyes. She could only imagine a sex tape where Santana and Brittany roleplayed as Mike and Tina had to be, like, fifteen kinds of offensive.

''I played Mike,'' Brittany said brightly.

''Brittany pounded me until my Tina stutter disappeared,'' Santana said and Quinn could just hear the smirk in her voice.

''I do not have the mental fortitude to explain how messed up all of this is,'' Quinn sighed with frustration.

Rachel spoke up. ''Well I for one am actually honored. It was…artistic. I'm flattered."

Quinn pfft'd in annoyance. "Don't encourage them! I'm destroying this DVD and when the two of you get home you're deleting the original files off of your computers! Am I understood?"

Brittany's voice was a singsongy, "We'll seeee…"

Santana chuckled. ''Anyways, we're gonna let you guys enjoy the rest of the movie. Brittany and I were about to get into the hot tub before you called.''

''Wait,'' Quinn shouted. ''We didn't finish watching the entire thing and I certainly don't plan to but I need to know one thing.'' Quinn took a deep breath. This entire ridiculous mess was humiliating but she just had to know. For her own mental well being and emotional state. ''In your…sex tape…did I…er, did Quinn at least top Rachel?''

Quinn could survive everything else, but this, this was the one thing that might truly push her over the edge completely. The idea of being topped by Rachel Berry, even in some strange porno parody, was something she wasn't sure she could ever recover from.

''Can you at least tell me I was the top,'' Quinn pleaded with desperation.

She and Rachel heard silence followed by several seconds of barely audible snickering from the other pair on the other end of the phone.

''Santana…Brittany…'' Quinn started, sounding almost pained. ''Guys…guys…guys…you're not saying anything! Tell me I was the top! For the love of all that is unholy, please tell me I was the top!''

''I can't do that, Q,'' Santana laughed.

''Don't worry, Quinn,'' Brittany said cheerily. ''I made sure you took it like a champ!''

''I'm going to murder the both of you,'' Quinn warned as she shook with rage.

''It didn't make sense artistically for you to top,'' Santana said matter of factly. ''I had to top you as Rachel in order for the story to make sense.''

The scream that erupted out of Quinn was primal.

''Like Santana said, our hot tub is waiting,'' Brittany reminded them breezily. ''I have a fruity cocktail to drink and my wife's tits to motorboat. We can talk about all of this when we get back in the city.''

''Later losers,'' Santana said.

And with that the phone line disconnected.

Quinn plopped back onto the couch in defeat. Rachel looked at her in pity and sympathy.

''It's not that bad,'' Rachel said softly.

''Maybe to you it's not. You were the top and you got top billing in the opening title sequence.''

''Come on.'' Rachel patted Quinn on her thigh, trying to coax her out of her mood. ''We still have four days together. We were having a great time and as strange and ridiculous as that tape is, let's not let their antics ruin what was shaping up to be an epic hang.''

Quinn sat up and smiled a tiny smile. ''Did Rachel Berry just say 'epic hang'?''

''I did.''

''Why are our friends such idiots?''

''That I don't know. What I do know is sitting and stewing isn't going to make you feel better.''

''You're right.'' Quinn stood and made for Brittany and Santana's wet bar and quickly found their liquor cabinet. ''I need to drink this trauma away.''

Rachel stood and made her way over to join Quinn who was now pouring both of them shots from what Quinn really hoped was Santana's most expensive bottle. ''We could do that,'' she said after tossing her drink back in one single gulp. ''Or…we could teach them both a lesson and maybe get a little revenge.''

Quinn was already pouring out two more. ''Revenge?''

''We have to fight fire with fire which means in this scenario, we have to fight their pornographic masterpiece with one of our own.''

''You and I are not making a sex tape.''

Rachel rolled her eyes. ''I'm not actually saying we make a porno…I'm saying we give them a taste of what it's like to be parodied. If that's how they see us maybe we should show them how we really see them.''

''What exactly do you mean?''

Rachel grinned. ''Finish your shot because we have a long night ahead of us…''

X

The next few days were consumed with constructing the most perfect, most ridiculous revenge tape they could possibly create.

Rachel of course was the driving creative force behind much of it. The first night they stayed up into the wee hours. They had pulled Quinn's laptop out and brainstormed ideas for a script. If they were really going to do this they had to do it right, they had to channel the stupidly horny essence that was Brittany and Santana's relationship. They had to get Santana and Brittany as characters down. They laughed through the night as they typed it up until they fell asleep together on the living room floor, surrounded by chinese takeout and crumbled up papers with their notes written on them. The last thing Quinn remembers writing down was "think: Rainbow Sparkle but gay.''

But it had to be more than just a good script, Rachel insisted the next morning. They had to embody their characters through and through she said as she and Quinn raided Santana and Brittany's giant walk-in closet. They tore through it looking for the perfect "costumes" in order to bring their revenge to life.

''I feel like a five year old,'' Quinn said as she observed herself in a tall mirror.

She had tried on several outfits, mismatched colors and patterns in the most nonsensical, whimsical way, but found she felt most Brittany with a graphic tee shirt displaying a dabbing cartoon unicorn with a rainbow mane. It was so very un-Quinn like but that was the point. It was Brittany.

''Oh my gosh! You look adorable,'' Rachel couldn't help but beam and gush.

Quinn smiled but turned her attention to Rachel who was standing in Santana's most hookery heels and a red bodycon dress that left little to the imagination. Rachel was still petite as she ever was but she actually filled it out pretty well.

''Wow…you look…wow,'' Quinn said, taken back by just how mature Rachel looked in something a little more sultry in style.

''Yeah? I'm wearing three padded bras underneath this,'' Rachel admitted and pushed up her bosom area.

They spent the entire day filming their scenes, going bigger and more ridiculous with each take until they fell over as they fake-humped each other with over the top intensity. They gave it their all and had to cut more than a few times because they couldn't stop laughing.

''You know, this isn't exactly what I thought I'd be doing when I decided to spend a week in the city,'' Quinn said later.

They were both fully clothed in their Brittana-wear but were splayed out on Santana and Brittany's bed, where the last scene of their video took place. They were a little punchdrunk and exhausted from being in front of the camera all day.

''You mean film a fake sex tape as we roleplay as our two friends in order to exact revenge?'' Rachel laughed.

''Well sure that…but also…'' Quinn went quiet and soft as she turned to face Rachel. ''Spending time with you. Like this. Having fun and laughing…with you.''

Rachel smiled warmly but sat up then as she turned somewhat serious. ''Can I ask you something?''

''Sure.''

''Why didn't you want me to know you were going to be here for a week?'' she asked, it wasn't accusatory or even hurt. Just curious. ''Not that you owed me that information but…Santana, Brittany and even Kurt and Blaine knew you were coming to New York. Why didn't you tell me?''

Quinn swallowed and sighed. There was no easy answer to this.

''I wasn't hiding it from you because I didn't want to see you,'' Quinn admitted. She might as well just give Rachel the truth and bare her soul to her. They had just fake humped on Santana and Brittany's bed, what else was there to hide? ''It's that I knew seeing you would be a lot more complicated than seeing everyone else. Having lunch with Artie or Kurt or Mercedes or whoever would be just that. Lunch with an old friend. But spending time with you would…require a lot more emotional unpacking on my end. Like I said it's softer but it's also more complex. I guess I wasn't ready to face you because I wasn't ready to face that.''

''But then I forced your hand,'' Rachel said in realization.

''Sort of. But that's not a bad thing. We've had a couple of hiccups but this…'' Quinn motioned between herself and Rachel with her hand. ''Has been kind of a blast. Not just the calm and cozy part before our little squabble, but after too. You know life would have been a lot more fun in high school if we had put our heads together in order to screw with Santana and Brittany's heads.''

Rachel beamed. ''That would've been nice.''

Quinn sat up to join Rachel then. ''And for what it's worth, Rachel, getting a taste of domesticity with you, it wasn't the worst thing. I mean…if we were married…it wouldn't be the worst fate.''

''I'll take it. Now let's do one more fake-hump for the camera. This time when I fake orgasm I'm gonna yell 'wanky!' ''

X

Still glowing from their week-long vacation Brittany and Santana walked through the door of their apartment giggling. They were still on vacation high as they collapsed back onto their plush living room couch. Their limbs tangled together as Santana blanketed Brittany with her body.

''I missed our couch," Brittany moaned as she stretched out relaxing in a way one could only relax in their own home. "So many good memories."

'"And so many good positions," Santana said with mischief. "I could totally go for a post-vacation welcome home bang."

''Mmmm.''

Brittany planted a silly, sloppy kiss on her wife but pulled away when they were both startled.

Just then, Quinn and Rachel stepped forward from a dark hallway. "Welcome home, idiots," Quinn greeted them.

Rachel wore a ridiculously tight red bodycon dress and her hair was in voluminous waves. It also looked like she had stuffed tissues into place in order to make herself more busty. "How was your trip?'' she asked with a smirk.

"What the hell are you two still doing here?" Santana asked, immediately suspicious of Rachel's wardrobe. "And did you steal that out of my closet?"

Quinn, for her part, was sporting a unicorn-printed shirt, leather shorts and a trapper hat and generally looking so mismatched that it swung all the way back to stylish. It was clearly a very un-Quinn like outfit however. "Oh we just wanted to make sure you guys got home safely from your trip. Actually we have a little treat for you."

Brittany's eyes sparkled with excitement. "Ooo, a treat? I love those!"

Rachel cocked a hip and attempted to strike a sultry pose. "Mmhm, we hope you like it."

They both motioned for Santana and Brittany to take a seat and get comfortable on the couch in front of the TV. Quinn then grabbed the remote and pressed play.

"We call this The Wanky Chronicles," Rachel whispered.

The screen flickered to life.

It's Rachel in that same tight red bodycon dress. Her hair is blown out, lips plumped to high heaven as she does a slow strut toward the camera.

Rachel-Santana smolders at the camera. "I'm Santana Lopez, certified bad bitch and emotional gangsta. I'm fifty percent boobs and fifty percent rage. Lima Heights, Breadstix, wanky."

The action then cuts to a shot of Quinn in her Brittany outfit, clutching a stuffed dolphin. She talks and stares off dreamily like she's in a trance or high or both. "I'm Brittany. I'm horny for rainbows and angry latinas. 'Stop the violence', fondue, unicorns!''

Santana explodes. "What the actual hell is this?"

Brittany meanwhile claps like a happy baby seal when she realizes. "Oh my gosh they're roleplaying as us, Santana! Aww!''

''This isn't cute, this isn't even sexy!'' Santana shouts.

''Shhhhh,'' Rachel hushes her. ''I have a monologue in the next scene!''

Back on the TV, Rachel-Santana had backed Quinn-Brittany against a wall.

Rachel-Santana smolders at Quinn-Brittany. ''You're so cute and weird. I'm obsessed with your face, I love it so much it's disgusting.''

Quinn-Brittany wrapped her arms around Rachel-Santana's neck. ''Oh, Santana, you're so hot and mysterious, I want to ride you until I see rainbows!''

Rachel-Santana and Quinn-Brittany fake makeout all sloppy like until Rachel-Santana pulled away suddenly and comically. ''But wait, I can't, I'm too emotional and broody. I have to go cry into my giant boobs!''

Rachel-Santana runs away fake-sobbing off screen leaving Quinn-Brittany to sigh dramatically. ''Lord Tubbington warned me this would happen.''

Brittany was at the edge of her seat, pulled in by the drama. ''This is better than any CW show.''

The camera then cut to a new scene. This one taking place in their marital bed but was clearly made up to look like Santana's high school bedroom.

Rachel-Santana stared at her reflection in a vanity mirror all morose like. ''It's so hard being a soft lil bitch who's afraid of my own feelings. When will the world realize I have a heart that's as big as my perfectly sculpted ass?''

Just then Quinn-Brittany practically kicked in the door, looking both horny and heroic as she stepped forward and commanded the scene. ''I won't let you run away from our epic and weird love, Santana. Also, ducks, gay sharks and time machines!''

Rachel-Santana nodded as if she had been handed reason and wisdom from any of that nonsense. ''How can I fight your brilliant magical blond logic? Take me.''

Quinn-Brittany pulled Rachel-Santana into an embrace before they both toppled over, their fake-making out morphed into fake over the top humping through clothes.

''Oh, Britt-Britt, that's it, right there! Don't stop!''

''I'll never stop! Now give me all of your Snix Juice!''

''Okay that just sounds nasty,'' Santana said after watching the 'climax' of the revenge parody. She leapt up, finally overwhelmed with disgust. "You two think that is what Brittany and I are like? That's your impression of us?"

Quinn and Rachel made no response except to snicker and giggle together, clearly amused with Santana's outrage which was the entire goal of course.

''And Rachel,'' Santana started up again, still fired up, ''you don't even look like me! You look like the girl Gremlin!''

''The girl Gremlin is hot though,'' Brittany says.

''No, she's not,'' Santana scoffed. ''And neither is Rachel. They're making fun of us, Britt!''

Britt lifted a shoulder. She wasn't bothered at all. ''Well yeah, but it's pretty accurate so we can't really be mad at it. You are an emotional lil bitch and I am horny for rainbows.'' She then turned to Quinn and tipped her head, as if to show respect. ''You really channeled me.''

Quinn placed a gracious hand on her collarbone. ''I studied your TikToks.''

Rachel meanwhile patted Santana on the thigh. ''Oh come on, just admit you're flattered. I brought your trademark Santana sultriness.''

''The fuck you did. Your portrayal was borderline homophobic, Berry,'' Santana whined.

Quinn shook her head at her friend. ''You're just pressed because you don't want to admit that Rachel nailed you.''

''First of all, Rachel will never and could never nail me. She doesn't have the range or the tits to fill my bra. Second of all, I kindly ask that you all step back while I light this TV on fire because I want no evidence of this ever existing.''

Brittany yanked at her wife's hand and pulled her back to sit with everyone. ''You're not setting anything on fire.''

Santana growled inwardly. ''But they made fun of us, Britt.''

''And maybe we deserved it,'' Brittany said. She rubbed Santana's side soothingly until Santana had no choice but to melt.

''Fine, okay,'' Santana relented and looked to both Quinn and Rachel with a slight hint of remorse. ''We deserved that. We shouldn't have done a sexy porny roleplay as the two of you.''

''Or at the very least we definitely should have hid it better,'' Brittany said. ''We'll never do it again. Hand to heart.''

Rachel looked to Quinn who nodded in acceptance of this. They had dished out a dash of revenge and it seemed the other pair had learned their lesson.

''But just to be clear,'' Santana started and held up a finger. ''Rachel, I don't ever want to hear you say wanky again.''

''I thought Rachel's version of you was pretty cute,'' Brittany teased.

''Yeah,'' Quinn added. "Honestly, it was disturbing how much it worked for me."

Everyone froze. So maybe Quinn hadn't exactly meant to say that out loud. But now that it was out there, well.

"What?" Quinn says defensively. "It's fine. We're all a little gay here. Let's not make this weird."

Past them, on screen, the credits rolled but not before a text screen appeared to inform the viewers ''no Brittanas were hurt in the making of this film.''

Later on the four of them laughed through the night as they rewatched both videos. They had ordered takeout and even cracked open a couple of bottles of wine as they watched what had to be the world's weirdest and horniest double feature.

"For the record though, Brittany's never asked me to give her my Snix Juice in bed,'' Santana said.

"But I definitely will now,'' Brittany said with a sly wink in her wife's direction.

The End