Work Text:
Very Much Alive
Clink.
Urgh.
Clink.
Huh? What?
Clink.
“Alex!”
My eyes blinked awake, my vision struggling to adjust in the darkness, the purple walls of my room swirling weirdly.
I knew that voice. I could pick it out in a crowd of a million people yelling.
But I was half asleep and I thought I was dreaming, because honestly - Elias is rarely absent from them.
I groggily sat up, yawning as I dragged my fingers over my eyes to get rid of the sleep dust that had formed in them. I raked a hand through my messy bed hair, like it would somehow make me more awake. I blinked a few more times, trying to knock myself into reality, waiting and listening intensely.
Had I been dreaming?
Silence.
But then-
Clink.
“Alex,” came the harsh whisper again.
Nope. Not dreaming. My Elias was here.
I hastily clambered out of my bed, my feet pattering against the floorboards as I rushed to my window, the instinctual drive to go to my petit copain in need suddenly dialled up to a hundred. I clasped the curtain and pulled it back, blinking into the dark of my driveway.
There he was.
His skin illuminated by the dim orange glow of the streetlamps, his golden hair all tousled and messy from sleep, his oversized dark blue pyjama top slipping slightly from his shoulder. He shuffled on his feet, looking up at me with those big pleading eyes, the glimmer of ocean blue in them somehow still reaching me.
Or maybe I had gazed into them so much and so often my brain had just filled them in from memory.
I could never forget them.
I grasped the latch on the window and pushed it open, leaning out slightly, the warmth of the Belgian summer midnight air kissing my face. Elias stepped forward like he was drawn to me, his eyes never leaving mine. I could see clearer now, the look in his eyes was desperate and the light caught on his cheeks a little too much to be normal.
He’d been crying. My heart lurched forward in my chest.
“I’ll come down,” I whispered—loudly, but careful to stay quiet. He nodded, barely, and I slipped back inside to shut the window.
I hurried as quickly and quietly as I could though the house, keeping light on my feet as I passed Ella’s room then my papa’s. I flitted down the stairs straight to the front door, pausing before gently grabbing the handle, readying myself to be the best boyfriend I could be for whatever Elias needed me for. I slowly turned it, hoping it wouldn’t creak like usual. Luckily, tonight it was on my side.
I opened the door, my bare feet stepping out onto the cool patio. My heart sank at the sight of him.
He stood there trembling, his hand gripping his other arm like it would anchor him, the skin beneath his eyes dark and tired. I could tell from the silent voice in his eyes that his heart was broken, the echo of his tears still lingering on his cheeks.
Without hesitation I moved towards him “Hey…,” I whispered tenderly to him, reaching out my hand.
But before I could reach him he surged forward, gathering me up in his arms in a crushing hug.
It knocked the air out of me with a noise of surprise. His arms encircled my neck and shoulders like a weighted blanket and for a moment I just stood there a bit taken aback, my mind blank. But when I felt him tremble, I instinctively melted into his embrace, arms wrapping around his waist and my hands gliding up and down his back soothingly.
“Elias, are you alright? What’s going on?” I asked, my voice heavy with concern. I couldn’t help but question him. This wasn’t the first time he had visited late at night with no explanation. But at least this time he wasn’t drunk. Elias has always been an emotional guy, so whatever happened he must have thought to follow his heart here and that made my chest tighten.
He needed me.
He didn’t answer. He just gripped onto me tighter, his breath shaky and his head buried in my neck.
I knew Elias was clingy sometimes, I didn’t mind it at all. In fact, most of the time I loved it, cherished it even.
But this time I was worried about him.
I gently tore myself away from his arms to take his hands in mine. He looked completely devastated.
“Sorry…I should have called you first,” he murmured, his voice defeated and thick from previously crying, his gaze fixed to the floor.
My heart sank further. He always did that - looking down - when his heart was too full of something to bare. I bent my head down to get him to look at me and his eyes finally flickered up to meet mine. I gave him a reassuring smile.
“Doesn’t matter, come on,” I said gently, leading him back into my house.
I wanted to show him that he would always be allowed to wake me, that with whatever storm was brewing in his heart he could rely on me to help calm it.
He followed me, his feet dragging a little, but his grip on my hand starting to strengthen. I closed the door behind us, then started to lead him up the stairs. I turned back to him, raising a finger to my lips and winked. He smiled slightly, nodding like he got the message. We slowly tiptoed our way back to my room, avoiding the creaky floorboards as best as we could.
When we got to my room, I released his hand and closed the door quietly behind me, leaning back against the door. I sent a sweet smile his way and the corners of his mouth twitched up, like they wanted to return it but just didn’t have the energy.
I approached him slowly, stopping just a breath away from him. His eyes locked onto mine and my heart faltered slightly. God, those eyes. I am obsessed with them; I’ll never tire of them. But right then, it was almost like the blue in them had darkened. Swimming with an emotion that threatened to pull him under.
For a second I thought of tickling him or saying something funny to cheer him up. But I just knew he wasn’t in the mood for that and it honestly didn’t feel like the right moment.
So instead I gently took his hand again and led him towards my bed. There was no resistance from him, not even a hint. The way he let me lead him made my heart squeeze a little, happy that he trusted me enough to let me guide him.
My bed wasn’t exactly big. It’s technically a single but could fit two, at a squeeze. Usually my papa sets up a bed for Elias if he stays over, but since this was spontaneous, my bed will have to do.
Oh well, I thought, not like I’d ever complain about sharing a bed with the most beautiful boy on the planet. Someone who I’m lucky enough to call my petit copain. In fact, I was thrilled by it, my heart starting to race a little.
I clambered onto my side quickly making an effort to plump up his pillow, smooth the bedsheets and fluff up the duvet - whatever it took to make the space more inviting.
When I met his eyes, for the first time that night, he actually looked more relaxed. He wasn’t awkwardly fumbling or looking away, he just held my gaze with all the warmth he could muster despite whatever pain he was feeling. I grinned at him, feeling triumphant and opened up the duvet, patting the space beside me.
He smiled softly as he slowly slipped into the sheets, at first a little tentatively but then I could see more of the weight on his shoulders lift off as his head hit the pillow. A deep sigh escaped him, and it danced through the air like a song. I relaxed too, feeling better now that he seemed even the slightest bit more content.
For a little while we were both silent. I didn’t want to press him just yet, so I just waited for him. He lay on his back, staring at the ceiling and fiddling absent-mindedly with the duvet. I rested on my side beside him, watching him, taking a moment to drink him in.
The way the moonlight tumbled through my window onto him made him look angelic. With his freckles scattered across his face like stars and the light dancing on his golden hair like magic, I thought maybe this had all been a dream after all.
But I couldn’t ignore the look in his eyes from earlier returning. The deep blue wave starting to engulf him again, like he had just remembered why he was here. My eyebrows furrowed a little with concern and I reached forward to place a hand gently on his shoulder, my thumb brushing his skin tenderly.
“Elias, what happened?” I murmured, trying to keep my tone open and not too pushy.
His eyes glanced to me before settling back on the ceiling, “It’s stupid,” he grumbled, his voice thick with emotion.
“Stupid or not, I care,” I whispered, tapping his shoulder lightly.
He turned his head to me, his eyes locking with mine. I could see the gears turning in his head, deciding what to say.
It’s funny, with Elias I’ve had this connection that I’ve never had with anyone else, where in small moments our eyes could meet and do all the talking. And his were so good at it.
But right now, they were full of something I couldn’t quite name but found familiar. Like I’d seen the same look in my own eyes before, in my reflection.
He swallowed and looked down into the bedsheets, “I had a nightmare,” he admitted sheepishly, “The worst I’ve ever had.”
That took me aback a little, but I didn’t show it. Somehow, I expected a lot worse. But nevertheless, my heart filled with empathy for him.
Nightmares are the worst. They grip you like a vice even after you escape them. Sometimes they stay in your mind all day, their contents spilling into your everyday thoughts like a parasite.
I reached to tilt his chin up so he would look at me, “That’s not stupid,” I said firmly but with the most gentle tone I could muster.
He didn’t say anything, but he did shuffle ever so slightly closer, like he was being pulled in by an invisible force.
And that’s all I needed.
I wrapped my arms around him, pulling him flush against me in a sweet, comforting embrace. He immediately relaxed into it, snuggling into my neck and clinging to me like I was his lifeline.
Maybe right now I was.
My hand went up to thread my fingers through his hair, playing gently with the golden tousles near the nape of his neck. I heard him let out a deep sigh and felt his fingers drift along my back. I shivered, the sweet contact sending a wave of delight through me.
But my thoughts lingered back to him, curiosity starting to build up inside me.
How bad was this nightmare that made him want to come here?
“Do you want to talk about it?”, I asked, nuzzling my cheek into his hair, preparing myself for whatever answer he had.
He hummed lowly, like he wasn’t sure. I didn’t press him, just held him and waited, steadfast in my guttural need to be his safe place.
After a while he lifted his head to meet my eyes, his blue eyes shimmering with something hesitant. I didn’t dare look away.
“You died...”
My heart froze. Everything stopped. The air around us freezing in a single second.
I stared at him, point blank. Stunned.
This was why.
This was why he came here.
And I suddenly realised what that look in his eyes was from before – the one I found familiar.
Grief.
I swallowed hard.
“In the dream I was walking home when I saw smoke rising in the distance coming from your house. I ran to it to find the whole place on fire…” his voice trembled “I was suddenly in the middle of it and…” he trailed off.
He swallowed hard, tears starting to glisten in his eyes.
“…that’s when I found you.”
My heart plummeted, like it could collapse in on itself. I felt crushed by his words, the thought of him finding me dead sending daggers through my chest... It all sounded horrible.
I stroked his hair soothingly, trying to keep him from crumbling, “Elias…” I whispered sympathetically.
“I tried to wake you but the minute I touched you…” he struggled, stopping to swallow again, like the lump in his throat just wouldn’t budge, “You burned away.”
For a split second I was too shocked to say anything.
“Shit…” I eventually sighed, drawing comforting circles on his back, unsure of what else to say. All I could do was show I was there with my touch. That I was alive.
“Then…” he took a shaky breath, “Then I was in a graveyard. But there was only one grave. Yours.”
God. I wasn’t sure if my heart could take much more of this. The pain in his eyes was so great, like the wave that was swallowing him was threatening to drag me down too.
I’d let it if it meant saving him.
“I woke up and just had to see you, I couldn’t wait,” he paused to rest his forehead on my chest, like he couldn’t look at me but wanted the connection anyway, “I’m sorry,” he finished, his voice cracking.
“No, no, don’t be sorry,” I said softy, lifting his head to meet my eyes, offering the most loving look I could, “You were right, that was a really shitty dream.”
“It felt so real,” he said weakly, his voice brittle, his eyes starting to shine with tears again. He drew a shuddering breath like he was trying to stop the dam inside his heart from breaking.
I hugged him back against me, encasing him in my arms like a cocoon and trying my best to hold him together. I tilted my head down to place a small, sweet kiss on his forehead. His arms slid back around me, holding me tightly like he would never let go.
“I know,” I reassured him, soft yet firm, my lips hovering over his ear.
I did know.
I knew exactly what he meant. I used to have dreams like that about my mother.
She would be there, and then suddenly gone. Or I’d be chasing her and couldn’t catch up. The scenarios would switch and change in awful ways, but they would all end up the same, with her disappearing like she never existed.
I knew how it felt to feel that overwhelming pit of grief in your stomach that you just can’t shake. The way your heart feels like it’s collapsing in on itself and there is nothing you can do to stop it.
Maybe that’s another reason why he came to me. Because he knew I had been through this too.
It had been a while since I had those dreams and in a weird, twisted, sick way I was a tiny bit glad I had experienced them. Because it meant that right now, I understood.
Right now, it meant I could be the good, caring boyfriend Elias needed me to be.
And for a moment, I wondered if my mother was proud of me.
The feelings of grief mixed with the knowledge that Elias loved me so dearly to the point that he dreamt of losing me made my eyes start to sting and my chest feel ready to implode.
But I wouldn’t show it. Instead, I shook the feeling away in my head and leaned back to look at him.
He gazed into my eyes, and I knew he understood that I fully and completely believed him. No teasing. No brushing it aside like it was nothing. I smiled softly at him, bringing a hand up to his cheek and gently brushing away a stray tear that was just about to fall.
My room was dark but even then, I could tell he was blushing – the heat from his skin on mine a dead giveaway. I brought him closer to press my forehead against his, our noses bumping together slightly. It made him break into a little smile.
Good.
“It’s alright,” I whispered tenderly, my thumb stroking his cheek, “I’m right here.”
Elias’s eyes shone, no longer from tears, but with relief. And I swore the blue in his eyes brightened slightly. Like the night sky had finally broke into day. His smile grew and my heart leapt.
Inspired, I took his hand in mine and placed his palm flat against my chest, right over my heart.
He stared at me in awe, feeling the sure and gentle pulse beneath my skin. His fingers curled slightly into my tank top like every single nerve in his fingertips needed to live there. To prove I was real, that I wouldn’t burn away, that he wasn’t still dreaming.
“I’m alive.” I said sure and true, “And I’m not going anywhere.”
The tears returned to his eyes, but they were no longer mournful. They decorated his eyes like jewels and somehow, I felt like I could fall into the ocean he beheld in them. We were silent for a moment, like time had slowed down.
Then from out of the blue, Elias giggled.
I suddenly felt alert, “What?”
“Your heart is getting faster,” he teased fondly, his hand still firmly pressed against my chest.
I couldn’t help but grin at him, elated from finally hearing his true laughter and teasing, “Well, that’s because of you,” I said, unfazed, unashamed, totally free because it was the truth.
Elias’s touch always made my heart race. And if that wasn’t proof enough that I was alive and not a dream then I don’t know what would be.
His cheeks flushed deep red again and he hid his face in his pillow, chuckling like he was struggling to hold it in, “Oh my god,” he grumbled.
His mood was brightening, and I grasped the opportunity with all my might. I took his face in my hands and flashed a toothy grin at him “What, you need more proof?” I chuckled brightly.
He blinked, “You-”
I didn’t let him finish as I brought his lips to mine in a spontaneous, sweet kiss. A satisfied noise of surprise fell from the back of his throat as his eyes fluttered shut and he immediately melted against me.
I smiled against his lips before breaking apart, chuckling to myself at the look on his face, all dreamy and bashful. His eyes drifted open and urgh those gorgeous blue sapphires met mine again, full of peace at last. The joy that flooded my entire being was unmatched.
“Better?” I beamed at him, poking his nose playfully.
He laughed – a light, free sound and shit, my heart skipped a beat. I could listen to him laugh all day and night and never get tired of it. I was a goner from the start when I first heard it.
This boy had my heart, and he barely even had to try.
“Yeah,” he nodded, his usual full on Elias smile back between his dimpled cheeks where it belonged.
Unbelievably pleased I smirked, a playful glint sparking in my eye.
Oh yes, now was the right time.
Elias caught on immediately.
“No, Alex!-”
I lurched forward, attacking him with tickles over his ribs, dragging my fingers relentlessly over his sides in a wild fury. He immediately buckled, trying to get away but failing from being too doubled over in silent laughter. He tried to push himself away, but I just grabbed him back and pressed him into the mattress, tickling his arms in a chaotic dance. I chuckled, unable to contain how joyous he made me feel just from how he reacted.
He writhed beneath me in a tangle of limbs and bedsheets, a fit of barely contained giggles tumbling out of him, “Aha-ha! Alex, you d-dick!” he whispered harshly, trying to stay quiet, “We’re going to wake your papa!”
He was trying to sound serious but it really wasn’t working, his happiness spilled over into his tone effortlessly and I felt myself grin the widest smile I’d made all night.
But I realised he was right and ceased my impulsive ambush, still hovering over him as our chests heaved from the sudden burst of fun. A few more chuckles trickled out of us as I gazed down at him. Those ocean eyes meeting mine again.
He was a beautiful mess, his golden hair dishevelled, his arms crossed over above his head, his skin glowing under the moonlight. I couldn’t resist but brush some of the long, flicked up parts of his fringe out of his face.
Almost like an excuse to touch him more.
He scrunched his nose up at me and made a mock grumpy face. I just grinned at him, enjoying myself way too much. He was so gorgeous I wanted to kiss him senseless. But somehow again, it didn’t feel right.
I fell back onto the bed beside him with a flump, sighing as I sank back into the sheets, quiet giggles still escaping us. I smiled up at the ceiling feeling victorious from being able to have been of some kind of help for Elias.
Hopefully he won’t have that nightmare again, but if he did, at least he hopefully knew now he could come here.
Where I would always be.
A gentle, comfortable silence fell over us, stretching out into the peaceful midnight ambience that enveloped my room. All to be heard was the tick of the clock on my wall and the rise and fall of our gentle breathing.
Just as my eyes were starting to droop, I felt a weight tuck itself into my hand. I hummed as I looked down to see Elias’s hand in mine, it’s warmth sending ripples of comfort through me. I smiled warmly, shifting so I could interlock our fingers together.
“Thanks, Alex,” he mumbled sleepily, “For tonight.”
I turned my head to him, lifting our joined hands and resting them between us, “I’m always here,” I said simply, voice laden with care.
Elias rolled onto his side to face me, smiling softly and staring sleepily at our intertwined hands with so much tenderness I could literally feel my heart give way, “Good.” he whispered sweetly.
I grinned at him, copying him and shifting slightly closer until our faces were mere inches apart. Our eyes met again, ocean kissing earth and I felt myself sigh, in awe of him.
“I love you,” he mumbled, eyes half lidded but still shining blue.
“I love you too,” I whispered, smiling softly at his sleepy face.
In that moment I wished silently deep within that one day, I would be able to spend every night with Elias. Side by side. Happy mood, sad mood, whatever. Just as long as I get to end my day with him and then start every day with him. This beautiful, creative, emotional and sweet boy I get to call mine.
At some point during my fantasizing, I noticed his eyes had slid shut, his breath evened out and his muscles sunk into the bed - finally giving into the exhaustion that had suddenly caught up with him.
He was with me. And that was enough for him.
And with that I finally allowed myself to switch off, overjoyed to know he was okay again. I closed my eyes, ready for my dreams to sweep me away, knowing he’d be there waiting for me.
And I hoped it would be the same for him too. But this time, he’d find me there with open arms. This time he’d find me ready to race or jump in the lake. Or ready to go on a date with him wherever he wanted to go.
To anywhere. To do anything.
All the while being very much alive.
And with that last thought in my mind I wished him goodnight,
“Sweet dreams, mon coeur.”
End <3