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The sunrise peeks over the horizon, painting hues of soft orange and light pink throughout the still-dark sky, morning dew settling across the field of grass next to the apartment complex. It’s far too late in the night- far too early in the morning, one should think, for Namgyu to be getting off work, courtesy of his boss and the four sick calls the club received the night before. Namgyu has never been one to work more than required, but with bills stacking up and an expensive taste in alcohol, he finds himself accepting overtime more often than not.
There's something to say about 5:00AM on a Sunday, between the overachieving runners who need to prove something to themselves, or the openers that yawn on their way into the buildings, Namgyu has always appreciated a good morning. Of course, his job has erased all chances of being able to actually enjoy an early rise, but he’ll take what he can get.
His bones are aching by the time he trudges up to the fourth floor- the elevator has been broken for nearly seven months now, and it makes grocery shopping even more of a pain in the ass than usual. He fumbles with his keychain, hands shaking in the way that always happens when he’s exhausted, and kicks the door open with his shoe, trying to make as little noise as possible. Subong is hardly ever up before noon these days, and Namgyu has been yelled at one too many times for being too loud when he comes home late. His stomach growls painfully as he toes his shoes off, cracking his neck and sighing in relief, and he makes his way toward the kitchen to find some empty calories to throw in his system.
He chews on a protein bar while he digs through the fridge, screwing the top off the milk container and sipping directly from the jug. He’s about to go in for another swig when he hears it-
A quiet sniffle from the living room.
“Subong?” He calls softly, closing the fridge door with his hip and entering the living room. The man in question is sitting tensely on the couch, his shoulders drawn and his body hitching with silent cries, and Namgyu tries not to panic. “What’s wrong?”
“Go to bed,” Subong replies gruffly, voice scratchy and deep. It’s clear he hasn’t gotten a lick of sleep tonight. “You’re tired.”
Namgyu frowns, dropping the half-eaten protein bar on the coffee table and carefully sitting next to Subong. He waits a few moments before reaching over and grasping his wrist, holding it with both of his cold, shaking hands. “What’s going on, dude?”
“Fuck,” Subong whispers, wiping angrily at his face with his free hand. “I can’t- I can’t tell you.”
Eyebrows furrowing even further, Namgyu rubs his thumb along the veins of Subong’s inner wrist, staring at the side of his face nervously. “Did you… are you okay?”
“I can’t do this anymore,” Subong gasps out, ripping his hand away from Namgyu and standing suddenly. He begins pacing in front of Namgyu, his fingers twitching nervously, his breath picking up once more. “This isn’t- shit, man. I’ve been lying to you.”
Namgyu watches him carefully, biting back his own nerves. “About what?”
“You! This! Us! I can’t-“ he stops, looking down at Namgyu again. “I’m fucked up.”
“Subong, what’s going on? Just- just talk to me, man. It’s alright.”
“No! It’s not alright!” He exclaims, face flushed and chest heaving. “I’ve been lying!”
Namgyu really wants to put a pin in this conversation and resume it when he’s not running off of two hours of sleep in the last forty-eight hours, but Subong’s manic state is starting to frighten him. He stands as well, gently holding onto Subong’s hands, ducking his head to make eye contact with the panicked man. “Whatever happened, it’s okay. We’ll fix it. Just- you gotta tell me what’s going on, hey?”
Namgyu isn’t quite sure what he’s expecting when Subong takes a deep breath, gathering up courage to confess to his sin. His head is running wild with different scenarios: ones of gambling all of their money, getting dropped by his record label, having a secret child.
What he’s not expecting, however, is for Subong to squeeze his eyes shut and force out two words:
“I’m gay.”
Namgyu pauses, his worry transforming into complete confusion. He must be silent for too long because Subong opens one eye and stares at him nervously.
“Uh… yeah?”
Subong takes a step back, fingers twitching in Namgyu’s hold. “What- what do you mean, yeah?”
“Dude, I had your tongue down my throat this morning,” Namgyu recalls, tugging on Subong’s hands. “You’ve literally been inside of me.”
“Yeah, but- but that’s not inherently gay!” Subong tries to fight, another lonesome tear leaking out of the corner of his eyes.
“Subong,” Namgyu pulls him even closer. “Are you just now realizing that you’re into dudes?”
“Well apparently everyone fucking knew before me!”
Namgyu can’t fight his amused chuckle, directing Subong into a hug. He hooks his chin on the top of his head, rubbing his back gently, trying to figure out what the hell happened in the last twelve hours he’s been at work.
Once his breathing has evened out a bit, Namgyu sits back down on the couch and pulls Subong next to him. “What- what did you mean, lying to me?”
Subong squirms a bit, gesturing vaguely. “I don’t- I don’t wanna bug you with it. Let’s just go to bed.”
“No, it’s bothering you,” Namgyu argues gently. “I’m off tomorrow- today, I guess. We can sleep in.”
He takes another minute to build his confidence again. “You know, just, like- all the shit we do. Now that I realized I actually- actually like guys, I feel like it’s wrong for me to do that to you. Because you’re…”
Namgyu tilts his head. “Because I’m…?”
“Because you’re straight, dude! It wasn’t gay when we were just two straight guys messing around because we were bored, but- but now that I know I’m- I’m gay, it’s wrong to do that to you.”
Namgyu feels as though he’s been thrown into some alternate reality where up is down and right is left and somebody thinks he’s a straight man. He takes a long second to collect himself so as to not burst out laughing at Subong’s completely misunderstood meltdown.
“You think I’m straight?”
The look Subong gives him can only be described as horrified. “You’re not?!”
“Subong, babe, please take a minute to think about this. I have had your dick in my mouth more times than I can count.”
“There’s nothing gay about sucking your friends dick! It’s just- a love language, like, like… physical touch or quality time or whatever!”
“You’re telling me,” Namgyu braces himself forward, staring at Subong in disbelief. “You thought my love language was sucking dick, and that didn’t make me gay?”
“Well it sounds stupid when you say it like that!” Subong yells, working himself up again. Namgyu places a hand on his thigh and he takes a couple deep breaths. “I mean, I guess there were signs, or whatever…”
(“My first crush was Leonardo Dicaprio in Titanic all those years ago.”
“I’ve, like, only been drinking matcha lately. Trying to cut my caffeine.”
“Do you want me to jerk you off?”)
“And none of that indicated that I was gay?” Namgyu huffs out a laugh, rubbing his thumb over Subong’s clothed knee, trying to break him from his panic. “We’ve been dating for months, Subong.”
“Huh,” Subong exhales, leaning back against the couch and letting the fight slump from his body. “I… I guess we have.”
“Se-mi got us an anniversary card last week, man.”
“I thought that was the six month anniversary of when you switched dentists!”
Namgyu’s laugher cannot be held back this time, causing him to double over and attempt to catch his breath. He’s only interrupted when a loud yawn escapes his mouth. Subong stands, grabbing his hand and dragging him off toward their (shared) bedroom, stripping out of his clothes and flopping down on their bed. Namgyu follows, speed reduced due to exhaustion, and flicks the light off before climbing in next to Subong. The older boy turns to pull Namgyu into his side like they do every night, and Namgyu believes he’s asleep until he speaks up again a few minutes later.
“So, does this make you, like, my boyfriend?”
“If you want,” Namgyu agrees easily, letting out a quiet hum when Subong’s fingers find his greasy hair and begin combing through it.
“I think- I think I want that,” Subong whispers. Namgyu nuzzles himself deeper in his chest and presses a kiss to the bare skin there. “Fuck. I can’t believe I’m so stupid.”
“Not stupid,” Namgyu mumbles, sleep overtaking. “Just a bit behind schedule.”
“Is it too gay to say I love you?”
Namgyu hums. “Only if we don’t have socks on.”
Subong presses his barefoot to Namgyu’s, tugging his hair gently. “I love you.”
“Love you too, dummy.”