Chapter Text
You don't see stars here, they're just city lights
I think back to where you live and how you can see the entire sky
The day Eddie left LA goes into the top 10 worst days of Evan Buckley's life. Sure it might be a little dramatic, but when isn’t he?
He still remembers the truck pulling away, seeing his best friend wave goodbye to him then it all went blurry. The drizzle of rain slowly starts to pour as his feet stay glued in place, outside of Eddie’s his house. When he finally got enough of his soaking shirt was when he finally stepped into the house. So familiar yet lacking what made it home, his home. Nights were always hard for Buck, the thought of Eddie being a whole hour ahead made it difficult if he wanted a late night call or just to see how he was doing. Lets not forget how much he missed Chris, he never opened the door to chris’s room. Buck didn’t want to see it empty, to see the shell of his room.
The day after Eddie left is when all his stuff got dropped off, he left it where the movers put it. He didn’t care about putting it away. Putting his stuff where Eddie’s stuff should be didn’t settle right in his stomach. He stayed at Maddies most nights, and even then he couldn’t sleep properly. Sometimes he would find himself scrolling through his photos and stopping on ones with him and his Diaz’s other night he would take a walk. He never told Maddie he left, he just did. In LA you can’t see the stars due to the amount of light pollution.
I wonder if he can see the stars tonight..
Buck looks up at the night sky trying to spot a single star, it’s almost impossible unless you’re on the outskirts of the city. He walked around the block 3 or 4 times before his phone started to buzz in his pocket, without looking at the caller he answered.
“Hello”
“Where the hell are you? It’s almost 3 am?” Maddie almost screams through the phone.
“Oh, Hi Mads… I’m just on a walk..” He continues walking and starts kicking every pebble he comes across.
“Why are you awake? Why aren’t you asleep?” She sighs.
Buck looks up at the moon, it’s full and glowing down onto him. “I’ve been having a hard time sleeping recently.”
“Oh Evan, is it cause-”
He cuts her off, “No. Don’t. It’s not because of him, It’s just that my mattress isn’t good…” It’s not exactly a lie, he always did prefer Eddie's bed over his any day.
“But you were sleeping at mine, so come back and we will talk.”
He nods, “Okay I’ll be back in 5 minutes…”
“Okay, see you soon.” She hangs up the call.
He slides his phone back into his pocket and continues to look up at the moon.
It's occasional, sometimes I'll see the moon
And I'll think of you
The moon always held a special place in his heart, he was always compared to the sun. Shining bright and just being a light while his other half was the moon and who is currently 777 miles away. No Buck didn’t look it up, why would he have looked that up…
He enters Maddies house and toes his shoes off quietly and walks into the living room where Maddie sits in her corner chair with a lamp on.
“So, you haven’t been sleeping… You haven’t been you. Buck I know you miss him but you can’t lose yourself.”
He rolls his eyes and sighs, “I’m not losing myself! I- It’s just hard and I will get used to it, it’s just taking longer than expected.” He starts picking at his hands. A thing he always does when he doesn’t want to talk about his feelings.
“Evan.” Maddie stands up and walks over to him. “You still have his phone number.”
He stands up quickly, “It’s not the same! It’s not the same as in person. He left me Maddie, and I don’t blame him, he needed to get back to Chris. I’m tired of the people I love leaving me, I can’t do it anymore Mads. First it was you, then it was Abby, then Tommy, and now Eddie.” Tears start to swell in his blue eyes.
“Oh honey…” She wraps her arms around him. “Why didn’t you ask him to stay?”
He pulls away, “I couldn’t ask him that. He’s a dad before anything else. I don’t want him to feel bad for leaving.” He sits on the couch next to Maddie and lays his head on her lap with her hand brushing through his soft curly hair.
***
Sometimes I go to sleep
And I'm still 17
Sleep came a little easier after he slept with Tommy, does he regret it maybe. What Tommy said he already knew, but Buck wasn’t in love with Eddie while he was with Tommy… Or he doesn’t think he was.
As sleep comes easier for him, nightmares make it more difficult. So he is sleeping but he rather not be. He dreams about high school and how so many people knew of him, but no one actually knew him. He dreams about knowing Eddie and imagining what they would be like together in their teenage years. If they knew each other then, Chris probably wouldn’t have been born. Buck had friends in high school, he didn’t keep them for very long. He never knew why they always ended up leaving him in some way. Buck knows when he was 17 he wouldn’t have been scared to say anything, he always spoke his mind and maybe that's why he couldn’t keep anyone around. Not even his own sister.
And in that dream, I will say everything I wanted
He wonders if they could’ve been something if somehow they knew each other, and that reality stays in Buck’s head only. Knowing he can’t turn back the clock if he tried and the fact that Eddie is straight. But in his dream he can live in whatever reality he wants, and that fact makes him sleep a little better at night. He can have Eddie in his dream world and he will have to live with that fact.
That every day after May, I haven't found what I needed
At night is when Buck spirals the most, he doesn’t think he’s worth anything. He has friends, but his closest friend is gone and isn’t coming back. He still talks to Hen and Chim and of course Bobby but he can’t help but feel something is wrong… Off
Because it is, Buck doesn’t hate Ravi. Sure he gave him a hard time when he was a probie but that was just for fun. Buck doesn’t think he hates Ravi. Having Ravi fill Eddie's spot, having Ravi be in charge of his life, he doesn’t like it. So sure he might have complained to Bobby about not trusting Ravi to hold the line while he did a rope rescue, but in his mind it was an actual concern.
No one has come close to you
And I don't think anyone will
He misses Eddie. Everyone can tell even if he never said it. And sure the rest of the team miss him too but Buck doesn’t think they do because how they’ve acted like nothing has changed. The table was set and Buck sat down in his usual seat then the seat next to him was filled.
“Ravi, you can’t sit there.” He looks over at him.
“And why not? Are you saving it for someone? Tommy?” He laughs and looks over at Hen and Chim who have a confused look on their faces.
Buck’s face flushes red. “What! No. It’s Eddie's seat. Now move to sit down next to Hen.”
“Buck I am not moving, Eddie isn’t here and we don’t have assigned seats.”
“Move Probie.” He says a little too seriously for everyone else’s liking.
“Woah Buck it’s okay if he sits there, he’s your partner now. You have to get used to it.” Hen reaches out to him.
He stands up suddenly and pushes his chair back. “Why are you all acting fine, why don’t you miss him!”
“Buck we do miss him, I think you’re being a little dramatic about this. He didn’t die, he's just home.”
“No he's not home. Home is here, home is with..” He pauses, wanting to say with me so badly, “with us.”
“If you’re gonna make it a big deal I’ll move no need to freak out Buck. I get it you miss him a little more than the rest of us. I get it.” Ravi rests his arm on his shoulder then moves to the other side of the table sitting down next to Hen.
“Sorry.. I-” He sits back down.
“Buckaroo we get it, it’s okay. I think you should call him after shift.” He looks over at him.
He nods, “Yeah… Maybe.”
I have a feeling you got everything you wanted.
Once shift ended he headed back home to Eddie’s house and plopped down on his chair. Pulling up contacts and waiting for it to ring, it didn’t take long before those brown eyes appeared on his screen.
“Hey Bud whats up?”
Buck smiles, “Nothing just wanted to talk..” He looks behind Eddie and sees Chris smiling. Wanting to see the 3 words that have been looming in the back of his head. “How 's El Paso?”
“Buck. What’s wrong?”
“What? Nothings wrong, why would something be wrong?” He lies through his teeth.
“Did you guys have a bad call today?”
“Y-yeah… Just wanted to make sure you guys were okay. Feeling a little off.” He smiles a fake smile but a smile nonetheless. He doesn’t know that Eddie can see right through him.
“Well me and Chris are doing great! Aren’t we bud?” He turns around and calls for him.
“Yeah! Is that Buck?” Chris comes into frame, “Hey Buck!” He smiles.
A smile that Buck has missed for so long, “Hey Superman.” He tries to choke down the sob that is daring to spill out. “I- I have to go. I’ll call you back soon okay? Bye.” And with that he hangs up the phone.
And you're not wasting time stuck here like me
He sets his phone down and finally lets the tears loose, seeing Chris again and hearing his voice after two months and not even starting on how much his Eddie’s boy has changed. He’s taller, voice sounds a little deeper. Buck misses Chris like crazy, but at least Eddie can be with him. He just wishes that he could be with him too, but he's not his dad and Chris doesn’t need him.
***
Somehow it’s already been a month since Eddie has been gone. Buck doesn’t want to think about it so he turns to what he does best when he's sad.
Baking.
He baked cookies, brownies, scones, bread, muffins, cupcakes, apple pie, fruit tarts, and not to mention all the things he attempted but failed at which include donuts, croissants, macaroons, and baked alaska. He inevitably had to send a text to the group chat asking people to come grab some when available.
Maddie showed up first, because of course she did. The moment she heard he was baking her sad brother's alarm went off. She knew what today was, and honestly just wanted to be there for him. When she arrived she had Jee in tow.
“Jee!” Buck ran over to her and scooped her up and spun her around.
Maddie took a quick photo of the moment and sent it to Eddie.
Message Between Maddie and Eddie
Maddie:
Hope you’re having a better day than he is, had to bring the big guns out.
*photo attached*
Eddie:
What’s today?
Maddie sighed and pocketed her phone. She looked up at her brother who seemed to be okay, or he was really good at pretending. The moment Buck set Jee down on the counter Maddie rushed over to him and hugged him.
“I love you Buck.”
“I love you too Mads.. What’s this for?”
“Just cause.” She backed away and looked at Jee, “You want some of Uncle Bucks snacks?”
Jee smiles and starts to cheer as Maddie picks her up and walks around the counter. Maddie left about 20 minutes later. The rest of the group don’t show up until the afternoon, they all know why he’s in a mood today but they don’t want to upset him so none of them ask about it. Once Buck finally finished with all his dishes he slumped back down on his chair and picked up his phone, seeing one text message.
Message Between Buck and Eddie
Eddie:
Maddie said you weren’t doing so well today, everything okay?
Buck:
Oh yeah, I’m all good. It’s just that day y’know trying not to think about it.
Eddie:
That day? Has it already been six months since you and Tommy broke up?
Buck:
What? No, you don’t know what day it is?
Eddie:
Am I supposed to?
Buck turned his phone off and threw it across the room. His mind filled with a thousand thoughts at one.
You're just thinkin' it's a small thing that happened
“He doesn’t remember” He chokes out as he stumbles to his bedroom and falls onto the mattress. He grabs his pillow and curls up into it sobbing. He shouldn’t feel this sad about Eddie not remembering that it’s been one month since he left, he's been busy… rebuilding his life.
Why would he miss me? God I’m a fucking idiot. He sobs into his pillow trying to muffle the sound even though no one is in the house. Memories of that day, the day he wants to forget the most. The day his best friend doesn’t even remember. The day he wished he told him he loved him but was too scared to. The day a part of his world ended, but Eddies continued.
The world ended when it happened to me