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“Listen, Kagi-kun, I-”
Kagiura leaned forwards, a hand coming up to cradle the side of Hirano’s face, long, slender fingers tangling themselves in strands of blonde hair, effectively cutting off whatever the shorter had wanted to say. Hirano had wanted to give an answer to Kagiura’s feelings - an answer that Kagiura knew all too well.
His heart was pounding inside his rib-cage, enough to nearly fracture the bones. He was hyper-aware of the way each beat echoed through every bone, rippled through each muscle until it replaced his blood supply, feeling it resound throughout his entire body - it was the only thing he could feel, other than the roughness of Hirano’s hair and skin beneath his fingers.
It had taken so long for them to get to this point. The ten-second rule, the comfort he had been given after being a sore loser during the winter tournament in his first year, the care he had received when he had fallen sick, and even studying together so he could push his grades up by a margin that seemed impossible to accomplish.
Kagiura had taken those moments as a sign that Hirano was in love with him, mentally connecting them together to form a constellation that he had hoped countless times to become a reality.
There was something else in his chest, constricting his lungs, wrapping around the organ like a coil and trapping the oxygen inside. It was threatening to suffocate him. What if Hirano would retain his decision to reject? What if, in the end, everything that had been done was nothing but kindness?
Resting against the side of Hirano’s face, Kagiura’s fingers trembled.
If Hirano’s answer was rejection, then that was it, bringing about a sort of finality that Kagiura absolutely could not live with. It would break the bond they had built up over the year and few months they had spent by each other’s side.
To lose that would be losing a fundamental part of himself.
He didn’t want it to end. He wasn’t ready for the refusal.
So he lingered, eyes trained on Hirano’s mouth so he could pretend to ignore the pain and shock he was sure was filling up the blonde’s azure eyes.
Let me have this last thing before everything ends…
He brought their faces together, tilting his head so their lips could meet in a gentle kiss, pulling away almost immediately. The metaphorical coil around his lungs seemed to tighten and the burning sensation in his heart was screaming at him to run, to escape this situation before he had to hear the painful words fall from the mouth of the person he loved dearly.
He took a step back, his entire body trembling. “I… I’m sorry…” He mumbled, his voice wavering, unable - unwilling - to meet Hirano’s disappointed gaze. “I’m gonna-” His throat closed. The trapped oxygen had begun to suffocate him. He took another step back, making his way to the genkan with the pace of a sloth.
The dorm room seemed to have transformed itself into an inescapable tunnel, each shaky step he took echoing and bouncing off the non-existent concrete walls. The world around him had turned into white noise, as if it too was rejecting his actions.
The silence of the room was deafening.
His hand ghosted along the wall, unable to hold onto anything to stabilize himself, but even that wasn’t enough. His chest was burning at an intensity that could probably beat the core of the sun.
I shouldn’t have-
The thought cut itself off before it could even finish forming. It hurt too much.
There was a sudden pressure on his arm, powerful and warm. Kagiura’s jaw clenched, heartbeats sounding far too loud in his ears. He wanted to lift his head and face Hirano head on with the hope that it wasn’t the end.
But he couldn’t.
Because if he saw the finality in the depths of those azure eyes, it would destroy him.
Hirano didn’t move at first, in far too much shock and his brain delaying the registration of the events that had just taken place.
The taste of melon soda still lingered on his lips - extremely gentle and just as fleeting. The sort of kiss that was drowning in desperation and desire. He could still feel the ghost of the gentle pressure of Kagiura’s lips against his own.
Then Kagiura had pulled away and the sensation was gone.
Hirano didn’t completely understand the gravity of the events until he saw the expression forming in Kagiura’s jade eyes.
Wide, and filled with enough devastation to bring the whole world to its knees.
Kagiura stepped back, mumbling something that seemed to be an apology, voice breaking halfway through - fragile as if it were broken glass.
Hirano could feel his heart come to a shuddering stop as he watched Kagiura tremble, each movement slow and filled with dread, as if he were paying an irreplaceable price for an escape.
Hirano found that words were firmly lodged in his throat and his lungs refused to cooperate.
This wasn’t how he had thought this would go.
He had spent so long mulling about his feelings, figuring out where their emotions overlapped and a way to work around the areas where it didn’t. Precious moments had been spent realizing that love wasn’t a concept that had to be completely physical.
But all of that didn’t matter now because the person he so heart-crushingly loved was now drowning in guilt because of him.
And he didn’t know how to stop it.
He watched, fixated in place as if his feet had been nailed to the ground, as Kagiura’s shoulders shook and hands trying to grasp onto a semblance of stability. Then Hirano realized that Kagiura was preparing to run away again, to return to the habit of avoidance.
He absolutely could not let that happen.
Yet he didn’t move because the scene unfolding in front of him seemed to have jumped right out of a horror movie.
Hirano had never hated himself more.
But he couldn’t live watching Kagiura unravel.
He couldn’t move but he could reach out. So he did, managing to wrap a hand around Kagiura’s arm, making sure that his touch was gentle but strong enough to prevent the taller from slipping away.
“...Hirano-san?” The name came out quiet, unnaturally quiet. It was filled with confusion and desperation and everything else that neither of them could quite name.
Hirano had this sudden urge to run, to pull the boy into his arms and scold him for being so stupid, for thinking that his feelings would remain unrequited. To hold him so close and so tight, to drown him in the love that had built up over the year and few months.
Beneath his fingers, he could feel the way Kagiura shook. The tension was tangible; all of the restraint Kagiura had been doing for so long, the fear of overstepping boundaries and the fear that came with doing so - all of it contained in one body part.
The Kagiura who was always so earnest and straight-forward with his emotions, was crumbling now - in a way that was vastly different to the previous time.
“You’re gonna say that you like me as a friend, again,” Kagiura still hadn’t met his gaze, the tremble in his voice having been replaced with a bitter sort of tone.
Hirano’s heart broke hearing that, and his voice was found.
“No, you’re not running from me again.” There was a desperate edge to his fierce voice. “Look, Kagi-kun, I-” His grip on the boy’s arm strengthened, pulling Kagiura forwards so Hirano could once again feel the melon soda scented breath ghost against his face.
He took a breath, using his other hand to hold Kagiura’s face, brushing a thumb across the boy’s cheek, forcing Kagiura to look at him with wide jade eyes that appeared a shade darker than it usually was in the room lighting.
Hirano brought their faces together, the hand on Kagiura’s arm sliding up to grip the sleeve. He felt Kagiura freeze before melting into the kiss, as if he wasn’t sure whether he was allowed to have this selfish desire of wanting this as much as he did.
Hirano welcomed the taste of melon soda filling his mouth, savoring the sweetness. He didn’t let go, the hand holding onto Kagiura’s sleeve sliding up to hold the back of his neck, fingers tangling themselves in the ends of the brown hair.
They broke apart after a few seconds, both of them breathing heavily, pressing their foreheads together.
“Kagi-kun,” Hirano’s voice was hoarse but the affection contained in it wasn’t lacking. “I love - no, I’m in love with you.”
Kagiura blinked, the earlier devastation in his eyes easing, lips parted as if he hadn’t expected his hopes to actually come to fruition. His lower lip trembled slightly and Hirano could feel the boy’s hands against his chest, fingers curling into the cotton fabric as if it were a lifeline.
“Say it again,” Kagiura whispered, desperation and hope thick in his voice. “Just one more time.”
As if Hirano would refuse. This was Kagiura - the god of his universe - he had fallen so deeply and irrevocably in love with.
“I love you,” He pulled Kagiura close, his own fingers closing around the fabric of Kagiura’s shirt. “I love you so much. I'll say it how many ever times you need me to.”