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Just their fucking luck.
The sight below Kris should have been touching. Heartwarming, cute, sweet enough to give them more cavities than the whole pie they ate a few days back.
And it was. It was all of those things. That’s why they couldn’t stand it. But they had no choice other than to watch as Susie and Noelle sat together on that couch, Susie strumming the guitar and Noelle giggling. Every time they moved closer together, Kris’s heart twisted a little bit more.
The soul being a little shit and poking around where it shouldn’t be was frustrating, but at least the whole ordeal was cathartic for them. Susie having the guitar was also enough of a stress, but they knew it’d be taken care of soon. That was less of an issue than the sinking feeling they had observing this sight from the floor above.
They wanted to be happy for the two. They should be. But when Susie asked Noelle if she wanted to hang out at the festival…
Damn it. God damn it.
It didn’t have to mean anything. It didn’t. Not when Susie reassured Kris last night that obviously if she went to the festival, they would be with her too. Not when Susie seemed confused at Noelle’s shy reaction to her question.
But they noticed that nervous tone of voice that Susie had asked Noelle with, that flustered look on her face. One she didn’t have when she was talking to Kris.
They should’ve known. They should’ve never gotten their hopes up. Of course she wouldn’t like them back.
The nobler part of them thinks that maybe it’s for the better. Susie deserves someone without all the shit that Kris is carrying around. Someone without secret promises, someone who will fight for her and always be real with her. Not someone who's always doing things at the orders of other people and can’t even choose for themselves most of the time.
But Noelle does. She’s sweet, kind, smart, and just as weird as Susie herself. Noelle helps her open up a little more, Susie reminds Noelle to stand up for herself. They both feel comfortable enough around each other to just be themselves, to express things they never do in public.
They want to be happy for Noelle, too. Even though they didn’t talk as much anymore, Kris has seen how much Noelle had been in her shell lately. So they’ve also noticed how she’s starting to be herself again, more like the girl Kris knew as a kid. Still shy and easily startled, but with her own kind of confidence that didn’t hesitate to poke back at other people, especially Kris themselves, whenever they messed with her. Susie helped bring Noelle out of her shell.
Something that Susie also did for Kris—at least, made them want to do. Gave them a little more motivation to fight the things controlling them, to try and express themselves more.
But they felt even more trapped in their mind as they heard Noelle ask if Susie would want to go with her. Susie blushed, stumbling over her words, and Kris just wanted to curl up in their bed and stay there forever.
Cute!! They’re perfect for each other!
A bitterness rises up Kris’s throat at the thought that wasn’t their own, but that they know is right. Susie and Noelle are perfect for each other.
Yeah. This is probably the best for the two, and the nobler part of Kris knows this all too well.
But the selfish part? All it wants is to ask Susie to the festival and stick to her like glue all day before asking her out on another date. Spend the day wandering, playing some songs for her on one of the few pianos around town, and then going over to their place. Getting super competitive over some rounds of Super Smashing Fighters before sharing the couch and sleeping like the dead, knowing that the two of them will wake up to a warm breakfast. Knowing that Kris, as they are, is enough for her.
But they know that’s a pipe dream.
Even as the room drops a few degrees and Carol takes the guitar away, separating Susie and Noelle, Kris still can’t find a way over the sadness that’s settled deep in their heart. Some part of them hopes the soul can feel it and be burdened by it too, even though it wouldn’t know where it’s coming from.
“Guess who’s taking your daughter…”
Oh.
“…to the festival tomorrow, jerk???”
Yeah. Of course. Just their fucking luck.
Kris wondered if it would be easier if Susie didn’t want them there at all. If she still hated them the way she did just a few days ago. Maybe then this tight feeling in their chest wouldn’t be as unbearable. But they knew that they’d still want her there. It’d just be a different kind of heartbreak.
The cold touch on Kris’s shoulder and the stern voice reassuring them does little to soothe the ache. No, that ache sticks with them, making a home in the crevices of their heart. Making its presence known with a jolt of sadness every time Susie takes their hand or bumps them by the shoulder while laughing.
When they see the prophecy panels in the church’s second dark world later that day, they feel a cold, joyless laughter take form in their chest. With Susie looking away, Kris tilts their head down and lets their expression fall into a grimace. Of course no part of their life can be free from the unchangeable future painted out in front of them. At the end of the day, Kris is just a cage. What could a cage give to her? What could it give to either of the girls, both set in such importance by these windows of fate, the love between them a key part of a religion, a history known before either of them were even born? They were meant to find each other. They were, quite literally, soulmates.
Kris had no role in that. They weren’t born for the light or the love that the prophecy foretold. No, they were just there to make sure that it would happen. To hold the thing that would carry out fate, and then take their part in the final tragedy. To bear the weight of the ending without reprieve. Their presence a necessity, but their selfhood left to sit and watch in the shadows of the glowing words. All that selfhood wanted was to be part of the light, even if just for a moment. But that wasn’t their role.
Love will find its way to the girl.
The words, despite only being shown in writing, echo in Kris’s head long after they’ve closed the fountain. Long after they felt the light of Susie’s smile shining on them, giving them a glimpse into what they could’ve had in a kinder universe. The words taunt them as they toss and turn, unable to block out the sounds of music and laughter and slurred words from the living room. Their clenched fists and the pit of anger in their heart give way to tears. Just a few, slipping down their face.
The words from the prophecy still don’t leave them, even as they hear Susie’s voice, quiet and somber. They’ll try to make their way outside to talk to her, as no one but their own self. They’ll try to comfort her, to be there for her while they’re able to. And even if they make her laugh or distract her for a while, they know they’ll never say what they truly want to. Because that’s not their place, not their role to play. Even without the soul, they have orders to follow. And those orders don’t allow Kris to have that. The only reprieve they have is knowing that at least, Susie will be happy, even if it’s just for a little while. Even if Kris can’t, she’ll get to have that love.
Love will find its way to the girl.
It just won’t be theirs.