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Entering the designated rooms along the endless corridor the group retired for the night, drained from the back-to-back adventures Caine threw them in. Yet, one jester could not help but notice the scurrying feet of a red headed doll turning the corner. Far past her room, far past bedtime.
Confused, she took a moment to wave goodnight to the rest of the troupe before trying to catch up. The jingling bells which bounced on her feet made attempts to tail the rag doll rather obvious. But, in her state of rumination Ragatha had no headspace to bother with satiating Pomnis’ interest in her nightly routine. Instead, she continued to wander through the darkness of the circus, muttering to herself. Pomni couldn’t really make out the exact words but understood certain phrases.
I’m such a mess…
Is there even a point…
Why bother trying…
Pomni’s heart sank hearing such thoughts come out of Ragatha. Who, although experienced a bump during today’s shenanigans, was unusually quick to bounce back to her positive demeanor. But she also understood from the tension in the air that Ragatha must have a myriad of thoughts she was unwilling to share. Knowing who Ragatha is and the situation which weighed down the ‘friend’ group, it’s more obvious than not that the doll can’t feel inclined to open up.
And so, the plush figure kept weaving through the large living space, making out shapes of furniture well enough to avoid tripping and falling. Of course, not far behind was Pomni waiting for the right moment to intervene, possibly offer some comfort.
Ragatha exited the building.
Now that isn’t to say she found EXIT, the escape they all yearn for. But rather the door leads to the outside space. While it may be completely digital, with stars that looked too perfect and a moon that smiled for eternity, it was still a nice change of scenery. Reminding her of the passage of time was the sun and the moon and what little memories she still has from the outside world.
Once, long ago, she would wander at night beyond the pasture she called home. Riding her darling horse out under the moon lit skies. She’d feel the cool breeze sting her cheeks and envelope herself in the midnight air. Staring up at the stars, of which she could see millions of twinkling stars.
The lack of light pollution in the countryside made up for how far removed she was from the modernity of city life.
I wish I could go back
She kept walking through the grass, which didn’t really have the right texture or color, making it obvious how far removed they were from reality. Walking up the hill, it took her a few minutes before she found a suitable spot to sit down.
Typically, at this time of night, if she sat on the grass without placing something down, she would have to walk back with a large wet stain on her ass. But this grass wasn’t real.
In reality, if she were to stay out here, so far past bedtime, she would be shivering as the chilly midnight air settled around her. But this place isn’t real.
Such aspects of the digital landscape serve as constant reminders that nothing really matters here.
Nothing is real.
She sat down and stared up, high above her, almost piercing through the mimic sky noting each pixel that mirrored what the night should look like. She let out a long sigh, catching the attention of the smiling crescent as well as the shock of her far-off companion. Noting the stare from above, Ragatha brought out a small smile and waved up at her, hoping to calm the nerves of the AI.
Satisfied with this, the moon closed her eye once more and let her silver light shine down.
Silence encompassed the moment.
“You can come out Pomni” Ragatha gave in, she knew for some time now that the Jester had been following her but couldn’t be bothered to spare a thought. She did hope that Pomni would just be satisfied with seeing where the red head went and head off once her curiosity was satiated, to no avail.
“Uh, heyyyy Ragatha” Pomni came out from her hiding, then again, just placing herself behind a childlike interpretation of a bush probably didn’t cover her that well. “What are you up to?” sheepishly she questioned, wanting to estimate how worried she should be.
“I just like to come out here sometimes, stare into the night sky. Or what could be called the night sky” turning her head to face Pomni she gave a small smile.
“Oooooh, that’s nice” something pulled in her chest, she didn’t know what “Are you the one who made that adventure in the suggestion box?”
“hmm~ It might have been me, but I’ve seen others come out to look at the digital sky too” Ragatha says in an almost songlike manner.
“Yea, I guess it is nice out here” Pomni scratches the back of her neck, unsure how to properly address the elephant in the room, err space. Ragatha waves her over to take a seat, which she obliges.
“It is nice” The dolls eye wanders back to the moon that looks so serene. “It’s kind of funny though. It’s so obviously fake.” Pomni grits her teeth, knowing this is going in a direction she might not be prepared for. “You have a smiling moon, imitation grass, bushes that look like drawings. It’s nice but all superficial. There is no truth to it. No mosquitoes to swat away, no wet stains coming from the midnight dew. The wind doesn’t blow past your face and ruin your hair.” She stops her monologue, sighing again, softer as to not disturb the NPC.
“But at least it’s nice” she relents, a half-hearted smile grazes her face.
The silence was deafening.
How does one reply to the obvious beginning of a breakdown. It’s not like Pomni can say with certainty that she’s so close to Ragatha, or anyone at the circus. She’s only been here for a short while. She doesn’t know what might set them off or their level of comfort. She doesn’t really want to offer physical comfort.
Damn why’d I follow her
“It’s okay Pomni, I’m fine” The doll breaks the quiet, as if reading Pomnis thoughts. She raises her knees to lay her head upon and closed her eye, basking in the silver rays. “I know you followed me to check in. I don’t blame you I really lost my cool today” her voice cracks “Jax just knows how to get under my skin, and ever since Spudsy’s I just haven’t felt all that good”
“Well, if you want to talk abo-”
“No, I’d rather not” Ragatha interrupts her, not letting the Jester finish out the offer. “I’m okay. Or I will be okay. I just need some time to sew it back up” Pomni questioned what it, that Ragatha was referring to, could be.
“Yea, I get that but maybe you could jus-”
“No, really. I don’t need to talk” Once more the doll shuts down Pomnis offer before it escapes her lips.
The air felt particularly heavy to Pomni, almost suffocating in the stillness. She wanted to let Ragatha have her moment alone, but something pulled her to stay. Despite her distaste for physical touch, she placed a soft hand onto Ragathas back, sending shivers down her spine.
This undoubtedly shocked Ragatha whose eye shot open, pupil constricted and starting into the Jesters multicolored iris.
“Maybe you don’t need to talk about it” Pomni began “But wouldn’t it be nice to share your thoughts with a friend” she smiled, a very small genuine smile, but it meant everything to Ragatha.
Ragatha knew Pomni had yet to completely open up to anyone in the circus. Even today, with the budding friendship between her and Jax there was still a space yet to be passed. Ragatha understood that Pomni didn’t like to be touched or to touch, as whenever someone grabbed on to her, or made an attempt to, the jester was so quick to move away. And Ragatha knew that it wasn’t up to Pomni to hear everyone and their sappy stories, how much they hate it here, and how hard it is to be social.
But Pomni did so anyways.
They stayed, staring into each other’s eyes, accepting the quiet and space between them.
She raised her head and Pomni removed the hand which rested on her dress. “You know, how Jax is constantly berating me, for being too nice — says it’s that fake sugar-coated icing on top of a rotten cupcake.”
“I don’t know if he said those words exactly” Pomni raised a finger in defense before Ragatha pulled out a piece of paper with Jax’s crude drawing. Indeed, it did show a rotten cupcake underneath a pile of sparkly icing.
“Well… Well, it’s hard to explain. I am nice, I think.” Her pitch wavered, unsure of herself “Or at least I try to be nice. … I want to be kind” she bit her lips and paused. “I know how easy it is to get swept away by the insanity of the situation. I mean we’re stuck here for possibly eternity. With the harrowing thought that anyone of us could abstract once we get lost in the craziness of it all”
The silence came back, Pomni was unsure if this was the right moment to bring in her opinion.
“I mean what I am trying to say, I guess, is that a little bit of positivity and kindness can go a long way.” her knees dropped slightly, and her hand clenched into a fist over her heart “Plus, I am sincere. I truly do like everyone or try to like everyone. I want to be there for each of you, as someone you can rely on.” Her eye glanced down in defeat “I know it might be irritating to hear that, how can anyone be happy in this s[?!@&]y situation. It doesn’t seem very genuine if I don’t let it out on someone or something.”
“Are you happy? Do you ever let it out?” Pomni cut in slicing through Ragathas monologue.
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“I don’t know” Ragatha closed her eyes tightly “I don’t know if I can be happy.” Pausing a tear slipped down her cheek. “I’ve been here for a long time Pomni. I’ve seen so many of the cast head on out while I stayed. Do I have the right to be happy”
Pomni’s heart dropped, she never really thought how many came before her other than Kaufmo and now Ribbit.
“I’ve seen people come and go while I stayed. Kinger, of course was with me, but he chose another route.” Ragatha sighed, wiping the stain on her cheek and looking back to the night sky. “I’m not entirely clear what causes someone to abstract. But I do know it happens in the quiet of the night, when someone is all alone. They might have given up on the thought that they mattered, ending in a place where nothing really matters. I think during their final moments, they felt very isolated.”
She turned to face Pomni “Humans are not code Pomni, we are social creatures. And all I ever wanted to do was be able to reach out and touch another human being, not just with my hands but with my heart”
A blush crept on to Pomnis’ face and her heart beat so loud it felt almost obnoxious.
“I think you are nice Ragatha. I think you mean it when you want to have a good adventure and that you hope everyone has fun.” Pomni started not knowing where she was running her mouth off to. “I know you have seen more than me, but I also think maybe you’ve been blinded by the problems of others that you might not notice your own?”
Ragatha raised her eyebrows and sat straighter, almost insulted by the accusations of the jester. To which Pomni raised both her hands in defense “THAT’S – that’s not to say you’re wrong for being nice to people. But you want everyone to come to you with their issues when you won’t open up to us. No one knows who you are other than being the kind older sister. NOT saying you are old or my sister” she meekishly completed her thought
Twiddling her thumbs while Ragatha processed her astute observations she was eerily aware of the stillness that overtook the situation. Her lips in a thin line and her face beat red she felt both awkward and embarrassed by the lack of conversation.
Then the doll giggled.
Such a soft sweet sound played like a melody in the air.
“You’re right Pomni” Ragatha whispered between laughter “I don’t think I have opened up to any one of you. I’ve just been stuck inside my own bubble.” Quieting down her expression was much softer; a gentle smile graced her face.
“Thanks” the doll placed her hand next to the jesters own, not touching her but acknowledging.
“No” Pomni stared at the cotton filled fingers, if you can call them fingers, before raising her head to look at Ragatha. Taking everything in, the atmosphere, the moonlight, the beauty of it all. “Problem”
She placed her hand atop the dolls, and they stayed still for a moment.