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I thought I knew, I was so confident that I knew everything
But I didn't know, with you, why everything got more difficult
The closer you got
Whoever thought a gentle touch could feel so violent?
The moment Noa held his hand was one he would perhaps remember forever. Not that there was a lack of affection among them, particularly from Noa– he was the youngest, after all; they had all watched over him as he grew up, made sure that he grew up well and loved, and he made sure they knew he loved them– just that… a touch can be so much more. Vampires like Noa and himself know this fact intimately.
Leeches that camouflage themselves with their human appearances for easier access to their favoured diet— most humans would describe vampires this way. It wasn't entirely untrue. There had to be a reasonable explanation for why vampires looked so human, after all. There had to be a 'why' for the way they evolved.
Still; that they can blend in so seamlessly in appearance means nothing when their behaviours are brought into question. It only makes sense, then, that they can gain insight on a human's mind in a subtle but… admittedly invasive way. Telepathy wasn't a common power among vampires– from what the boys gathered, at least, considering they may as well be the only group in a near extinct species now. Heli was naturally gifted in telepathy, but the rest of them had to resort to close contact. Even then, it wasn't as if they could read minds and communicate the way Heli could; rather than hearing someone's thoughts and projecting their own to others, they could only feel and project emotions; vague impressions of what the person they were reading wanted to– willingly or, usually, unwillingly– communicate.
That is all to say: through their clasped hands, Solon could feel Noa's feelings clearly, strongly– almost to the point of reading him like a wide open book, even without Heli present. It was almost too much, the quiet but insistent assurances, the pleading for his comfort to be felt... the centuries of repressed adoration finally seeing the light of day. Solon didn't think he deserved it. Yet he let it wash over him, engulf him.
Not for his own sake, but for Noa's.
His eyes hadn't left Noa's face despite Noa not holding his gaze. Despite pulling the walls around his own heart and his mind higher and tighter together, his face only softened as he kept watching. Noa was baring his soul to him through such a small connection, and here Solon was; accepting it, taking in everything, yet exerting his expert control over his vampiric powers by not letting Noa realize what was happening, and not giving him anything in return.
Absentmindedly, Solon's gaze raked over the figure in front him. The young boy he knew wasn't quite young anymore. Hadn't been, for a long time.
When they were all young, and still human (or closer to human than to vampire, at least), Noa, as young as he was, was still among the tallest of them, only shorter than Solon and Heli. Back then, Solon still had a few inches on Noa, but now...
Now, Noa was visibly taller than him. His shoulders were wider, long limbs were no longer awkward as he grew into them. His stance was more assured, like he'd carved out a place for himself instead of trying to make himself smaller— like he did when he was still growing. He hadn't paid any attention to Noa's growth all these years, couldn't, but when two of the others pointed out Noa's feelings and urged Solon to be more careful with the heart unwittingly placed in his hands, he supposes it was natural that he would start noticing more and more things he had blocked out before.
He used to like teasing Noa, not particularly because his reactions were adorable (though they were), but because he couldn't cope with the way time and experience changed all of them. Especially Noa, as the youngest. He couldn't reconcile the reality of the way Noa's features matured, the way he began filling out space instead of pulling back into himself for the sake of his older brothers, with the image of the awkward, endearing teenager in his memory. He'd matured mentally, emotionally— with the way things were, Solon wouldn't doubt that Noa had blossomed better than he himself ever could.
Solon was the one still hiding, still retreating when it almost felt like he would have to confront the secrets he was burying deep beneath the camaraderie with his coven.
He was prepared to take them to his grave, if he were ever blessed enough to have one. But how could he open his heart to Noa if he was? That was why he was still unsure of his decision. Sure, he'd said he wanted to keep Noa around a little longer, but he knew himself. He didn't want to be, but cold distance was how he protected himself. Someone like Noa deserved better, and he couldn't understand why Heli and Jaan would encourage this.
Was it an intervention for Noa or for him?
At some point, Noa had raised his eyes to level with Solon's again, and all his conscious and subconscious thoughts changed to become appraisals of the beauty he never really noticed before. The lace curtains cast pretty shadows and lights on Noa, some rays hitting him just enough to brighten the colour of his eyes and form an almost-halo around his head. Then, he saw the line between Noa's brows and didn't even try to stop himself when his arm raised on autopilot to smooth it away. And he only smiled when the gesture made Noa frown and turn red. He wasn't teasing anymore. This wasn't teasing anymore, but he didn't know how to show it. The thought of it scared him too. Noa was much better than him, in many ways, so much braver.
His voice is quiet when he finally speaks again, mouth dry and a pit opening in his stomach. "Centuries is a long time… why do you persist in these feelings? When all I've done is frustrate you?" Noa's brow softened and eyes widened, mouth opening and closing intermittently, surprised and flustered by the sudden question and probably trying to answer faster than his brain could parse it.
Then he gulped, squared his shoulders, and answered through a pout in just as low of a voice, "I can't help it. Feelings don't make sense. It's not like I didn't try, it just never worked." His eyes lowered again, gazing at the only point of connection between them. Squeezed Solon's hand once, holding on tighter. "It felt inevitable. Like fate, or something." And like his brain had finally caught up to his mouth, his face turned red again. Solon smiled absentmindedly, the words stumbling out of him before he could catch them. "All that blushing is getting concerning, Noa… you only have so much in you…" He blinked when he heard Noa's choked 'shut up' in response, smile reaching his cheeks and squishing his eyes. Perhaps the first genuine smile he had ever given Noa since they were younger.
His own hand tightened on Noa's when he felt his guard slipping. The movement caught Noa's attention, the brightness in his eyes when he saw Solon's smile fading. "I know what you're doing, y'know." It was Solon's turn to tense up, gulping, forcing himself to not look away from Noa's eyes. "If this is a secret even Heli hasn't figured out, there's no need to be so careful around me. I can't read your mind." He had forgotten how straightforward Noa could be. He only stared in response, much more reluctant to talk now, knowing all he had to say would only hurt both of them more— especially Noa; he wasn't under any delusions that his distance hurt himself more than it hurt the one who seemed to love him so purely.
The frown on Noa's face felt wrong, he realized, and he knew it was all him. He knew Noa was right, too. He had kept it hidden from Heli all this time, the only one among them who could actually dive into other's minds. But habits were hard to break, especially ones forged in your earliest years and reinforced over centuries.
But he felt Noa's deep sadness and heartache through their connection. "All I do is make you sad, Noa." He couldn't stop saying his name now. He felt the emotions turn red from blue, from melancholy to anger. Noa's face scrunched up, too. He really was an open book. He opened his mouth, but Noa spoke over him, and he felt relieved that the next words hadn't come out. "Stop telling me how I feel. I can't do anything about these feelings I have for you, so it's in your best interest to be straight with me. Either accept it or reject it. Give me closure or give me you."
There was a foreign flutter in Solon's chest, the sudden nerves making his muscles twitch. He blinked in surprise, gulped, grip on Noa's hand tightening and loosening. There was some red in Noa's face. Brightened by the light shining on him, and Solon couldn't tell if it was fluster or anger. His mouth opened and closed uselessly like Noa's had only a moment ago.
Where did those words come from? He was finally paying more attention to Noa, and now he couldn't stop.
Submitting to the sheer force of Noa's feelings and words, he let his walls down. Abruptly, before he could really grasp what he was doing. He couldn't make sense of his own emotions in that moment, but Noa clearly could, an almost smug smile finally appearing on his face— the first smile Solon had brought to him, as far as he could remember. They were both red in the face.
Is this why Heli and Jaan had pushed the both of them? He didn't think he could lower his defenses around anyone else, because he knew everyone so well, knew how much they were willing to push him and when they decide to stop. Noa was always an anomaly in that regard.
He never really stopped pushing, and it was only through Solon's willpower that he had managed to widen the distance between them before. Noa may have been stubborn but Solon had always thought himself as worse. Evidently, he was wrong about that. He almost felt relieved to be wrong about it.
"If you keep saying things like that, I might actually just forget what's bothering me." He was only half-aware of his mutterings, but Noa's face only brightened more, smile widening until it was a grin. All of a sudden, he looked so much younger. Smiles suit him better, Solon decided. His resting face lent him a maturity he didn't need to have, not around Solon. Around any of their coven, he tried to correct himself, but the way Noa swung their joined hands together ever so slightly told him both of them knew otherwise.
He just liked this smile.
His confidence from earlier receded; he felt naked without his mental walls. So he shut Noa out again, just as abruptly, letting some regret and guilt slip out almost like an apology before he was blocked out completely. He heard Noa sigh before he felt the euphoria of that small moment ebb away. There was only understanding and a new intent, rather than the disappointment Solon was expecting.
Now Solon was the one who couldn't bring himself to meet Noa's gaze, staring at the floor, barely a foot in between them, like it had answers for what just happened in his heart and brain.
Noa just kept the silence, stance visibly relaxing as he leaned against the windowsill again. Now Solon was the awkward one. Rationally, logically, he knew exactly what was happening. But it felt too soon, he felt wholly unprepared. Against the silent wishes of his own heart, drowned out by insecurity and panic, he tugged his hand from Noa's grasp— already loose like he was expecting this. He tried to shuffle back, put some more physical distance between them, but Noa took a bigger step closer, right into his bubble. "You don't have to be so far away." It was whispered to him like a secret.
As if Noa was keeping another secret for him. It was about his own heart, but it was a secret to him, too. He knew logically that he was interested now in Noa, but he doesn't understand the depth of his own feelings, if there was depth to it at all. Noa knew him better in this moment, he realized.
Solon was supposed to be older, but right now he didn't really feel like it. Does everyone feel so childish when confronted with love? Love, is that what this is? Is that what Noa felt when his defenses fell?
"Were you this scared?" He whispered it like he didn't really want an answer. And he doesn't, really. But just to torture him a little more, Noa replied an affirmative.
It felt too soon to take his hand again, but he couldn't move away. His eyes strayed from the floor, now with mere inches of distance between, to Noa's shoulder, where the lace curtains draped it in floral-shaped shadows and light. To his jaw, eyes tracing the lines of his features. To his eyes, with an absurd amount of fear.
There was more patience and understanding in Noa's gaze than Solon believed he deserved. But he learned quickly. Noa would only be upset if he said he felt undeserving of soft eyes and consideration. Maybe he really wasn't as stubborn as he thought he was. Maybe it was just Noa being attentive all along. It felt embarrassing to admit to himself. So confident in his own character all these centuries, just to be unravelled the moment Noa really opens up to him.
He couldn't lean into it yet, and he was given some space to breathe, but not enough to let him forget about Noa and what happened. Stubborn to the core, but still so thoughtful. It was just like he remembered Noa to be, but there was a maturity and boldness to him now that left Solon floundering.
"Maybe one day I'll get you to drop your guard long enough for you to consider telling me that secret of yours."
"… I honestly almost forgot about it." Noa grinned again, briefly but brightly, and devolved into giggles. Solon just watched with wonder. When was the last time he had drawn such a reaction from him?
With the fire in his eyes, Solon almost considered telling him. Leaning on him, trusting him— it felt too possible in that moment.
"Y'know, I'm supposed to be the older one. The reliable one." He muttered, still feeling childish, and a bit useless. Noa only giggled more, stroking a kindling in Solon's chest that he hadn't been aware was there until right now. "You should've guessed you'd be too emotionally constipated for this."
All his fluster and heart flutters died down with a deep sigh. "Tables have turned, I see." Yet he couldn't bring himself to dislike it, because Noa's face looked so much more lively than he'd ever seen it. "I'll get through those barriers one day. Just you wait."
And wait, he will.