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English
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Published:
2025-07-06
Words:
420
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1/1
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70
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Oh, the Humanity

Summary:

"So, I have this friend whose dad has a dog-" Jason started.

(His family, being the nosy bats they were, immediately tuned in.)

Or - Batman looks at the case of an overly aggressive dog and lands on a solution Jason finds highly acceptable.

Notes:

Have I ever read a batman comic? no. have i ever watched a batman movie or show? also no. this is a vague idea which can't really be pinpointed on a timeline, but it's after damian joins the family, and therefore after jason crawls out from his grave.

is this an au where he didn't become the red hood? idk either.

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

"So, I have this friend whose dad has a dog-" Jason started.

(His family, being the nosy bats they were, immediately tuned in.)

"And I'm pretty sure it's rabid. It may not have actual rabies, but I'm not convinced it doesn't have something similar. It's attacked people, multiple times, including my friend, his younger siblings, and their dad."

(There were immediate sounds of outrage from the assorted bats at this criminally negligent behavior.)

"At least the thing doesn't live in the house with the children. His old man has a cage outside the house for the dog, and thinks that as long as he can put the dog back in its cage once it starts making trouble, then it's fine. But B, the dog keeps getting OUT! And it ATTACKS people again, and then my friend's dad shoves it back into the same cage it broke out of!!! It's done this multiple times!!! Some of the people attacked even died from their injuries, including one of the dad's own kids!"

(More horror. "If the animal is truly that dangerous, why hasn't it been taken to be euthanized?" B inquired harshly. Tellingly, even Damian wasn't protesting against it.)

Jason laughed bitterly. "You don't understand. His dad's a fanatic. Not only will the dad refuse to put the dog down himself, but he won't even let anyone else take the decision out of his hands. He even thinks my friend is a sociopath that will start killing other animals because he wants to euthanize it- as if it's not obvious that my friend is terrified for everyone's safety each day that dog remains in proximity to them, only held back by that same, frequently-escaped cage!!"

(Stern determination now. All the bats could see the danger, the injustice, when Jason laid it out so cleanly.)

"Do you need any help dealing with this?" Dick asked, clearly ready to help even if Jason said no.

But before he could answer, the Demon brat jumped in with his own two-cents. "I will come with Todd to help euthanize this misguided creature."

Jason blanched. "Oh FUCK no, you're not getting anywhere near the Joker, you little brat!"

There was a pause. Stiffly, as if hoping the metaphor wasn't metaphorical, Tim asked, "Someone named their dog after the Joker?"

"No. Did I say 'dog'?" Jason answered in fake innocence. "I meant 'Rogue', sorry. And if I was saying 'cage', I meant 'Arkham'. Here, let me start again. So, I have this friend whose dad has a Rogue-"

Notes:

Batman then proceeded to argue that a human life was completely different, and Damian piped up that humans were capable of reasoning and understanding of consequences and thus more deserving of behavioral euthanasia then poor innocent animals who don't understand what they're doing wrong. Batman brought up mental incompetence and that no one deserves death. Stephanie brought up Rabies being an illness without a cure, and that Good Boys Like Old Yeller didn't deserve death and weren't mentally competent in their actions either, but still had to be put down for the safety of the community. Cass folded her arms and stared at her disapprovingly. Stephanie wilted. Jason brought up the trolley problem and then the argument got LOUD.

While they were busy arguing, Alfred slipped out of the house with a shotgun.