Work Text:
Facebook Marketplace
BEFRIEND THIS LOBSTER
$20
[photos]
Condition: Used (like new)
Description: i found this lobster and he seems like he could use more friends
a few details about him: he’s a gemini (so watch out amiright), i would estimate his color palette to be primarily blood orange, and he has a lot of legs (at least 100, probably). if any of those things is a dealbreaker then i would not advise initiating a friendship with him. as for hobbies, he enjoys crushing walnuts in his claws and watching food network (note: he really likes when they make crab dishes but he’s not a fan of chefs cooking lobsters so he may get agitated if u don’t cover his eyes, wherever those are on his weird alien body)
if u feel that u would be a good fit, message me to set up a play date. open to negotiating price (willing to go higher only)
Seller: Wei Wuxian
Facebook Messenger
BEFRIEND THIS LOBSTER
Lan Wangji: You cannot sell a lobster on this platform.
Wei Wuxian: Yes, it’s still available.
Wei Wuxian: my b i clicked the auto response
Wei Wuxian: i’m not selling a lobster
Lan Wangji: You made this listing for a lobster.
Wei Wuxian: incorrect!
Wei Wuxian: i’m selling the opportunity to befriend this lobster
Wei Wuxian: for $20 u can hang out but u have to promise not to eat him
Lan Wangji: I will report you to Facebook for making a fraudulent listing.
Wei Wuxian: how is it fraudulent when it explicitly states the purpose of the listing as i described
Wei Wuxian: ok fine u can eat him but it’ll cost extra since u’ll have to cover his funeral expenses. we’ll need to hire a live band
Lan Wangji: This platform should be used for the sale of legitimate goods and services.
Wei Wuxian: this is a legitimate societal good i am providing. sometimes people just need a lobster friend in these trying times. and it’s cheaper than therapy!
Lan Wangji: Per Facebook’s Commerce Policy, selling animals is prohibited. I have submitted a report.
Wei Wuxian: i was just kidding about letting u eat him!!
Lan Wangji: Ridiculous.
Facebook Marketplace
POINTY NEON HAT (OVERSIZED)
$50
[photos]
Condition: Used (good)
Description: this funky vintage piece goes with any outfit. its elongated style can make wearers of any stature look taller, and the neon orange hue complements any skin tone
this fashionable hat is one size fits none, unless you have a giant head, but you can wear it as a full head and face covering for protection from the sun and/or identity concealment when doing illegal activities such as bank robbery. note: it will impair vision considerably, so cutting eye holes may be necessary for improved functionality
message me if u are ready to embark on this unique sartorial journey! serious offers only
Seller: Wei Wuxian
Facebook Messenger
POINTY NEON HAT (OVERSIZED)
Lan Wangji: This is a traffic cone.
Wei Wuxian: it’s actually a hat i think
Lan Wangji: Did you steal this traffic cone?
Wei Wuxian: i happened upon it organically in the wild and it followed me home
Lan Wangji: I’m reporting you for selling a prohibited item.
Wei Wuxian: are u getting upset bc the price is too high? i’ll give u a 5% discount out of the kindness in my heart
Lan Wangji: Goodbye.
Wei Wuxian: u know i did say message with SERIOUS offers only!! this conversation was very unserious
Facebook Marketplace
MAGICAL SEEDS
$66.60
[photos]
Condition: New
Description: these magic seeds can make all your dreams come true (100% guaranteed)
message me if u are prepared to welcome magic into ur life!
Seller: Wei Wuxian
Facebook Messenger
MAGICAL SEEDS
Lan Wangji: False advertising.
Wei Wuxian: how???? they’re magic seeds
Lan Wangji: You “100% guaranteed” that they will make dreams come true. That’s impossible.
Wei Wuxian: well of course i’d only sell it to someone whose dream is to plant some random seeds and find out what may grow from them
Lan Wangji: Absurd.
Wei Wuxian: it’s all about the mystery, my friend
Lan Wangji: We’re not friends, and there is no mystery. Those are almonds.
Wei Wuxian: magical almonds!
Lan Wangji: No.
Wei Wuxian: well not with that attitude
Facebook Marketplace
DISASSEMBLED GLASS TABLE (REASSEMBLY REQUIRED)
$74
[photos]
Condition: Used (fair)
Description: chic glass table for all ur tabling needs—temporarily disassembled due to undisclosed circumstances. just needs some time and patience with the reassembling project!*
must be able to pick up and must not ask me for help with reassembly
*may lack structural integrity after reassembly, which seller is not responsible for
Seller: Wei Wuxian
Facebook Messenger
DISASSEMBLED GLASS TABLE (REASSEMBLY REQUIRED)
Lan Wangji: Why are you selling a broken table?
Wei Wuxian: “broken” is not politically correct!!
Wei Wuxian: it’s disassembled!!!!
Lan Wangji: Shattered glass cannot be reassembled.
Wei Wuxian: what are u, some kind of glass doctor?
Lan Wangji: It’s common sense.
Wei Wuxian: it’s like a tricky puzzle
Wei Wuxian: i’m sure someone out there is interested in a challenge
Lan Wangji: Safety hazard.
Wei Wuxian: will it make u happy if i add “willing to provide safety gloves for an extra fee” to the post?
Lan Wangji: Your post is misleading.
Wei Wuxian: i think my post is as clear as glass
Lan Wangji: No.
Wei Wuxian: bruh what is ur beef with me
Lan Wangji: No respect for the integrity of Facebook Marketplace.
Wei Wuxian: sorry i’m not respecting a platform created by our evil corporate overlords
Lan Wangji: Your actions affect consumers.
Wei Wuxian: the consumers are chillin i already have 10 people in my DMs asking about the table
Lan Wangji: Bots.
Wei Wuxian: are u a bot???
Lan Wangji: No.
Wei Wuxian: i honestly buy it bc i think a bot would be either way friendlier or way meaner than u
Lan Wangji: Your facetious posts disrupt my feed.
Wei Wuxian: i feel like the more u message me the more ur going to see my posts
Lan Wangji: Stop posting ridiculous things.
Wei Wuxian: ok my next post will be very serious don’t worry
Facebook Marketplace
LOGISTICALLY OPTIMIZED SUSTAINABLE COLLAPSIBLE MULTIFUNCTIONAL CUSTOMIZABLE CORRUGATED FIBERBOARD PACKAGING CONTAINER
$50
[photos]
Condition: Used (good)
Description: this is a FEFCO 0201 Corrugated BC Flute Double Wall Regular Slotted Container (RSC). the color is hex code #c5994b or Tussock, with a CMYK color conversion of approximately 0% cyan, 22.34% magenta, 61.93% yellow, and 22.7% black
extremely versatile, ergonomic, and able to accommodate 10 to 15kg of weight with a BC flute grade 125 K/T
serious inquiries only!
Seller: Wei Wuxian
Facebook Messenger
LOGISTICALLY OPTIMIZED SUSTAINABLE COLLAPSIBLE MULTIFUNCTIONAL CUSTOMIZABLE CORRUGATED FIBERBOARD PACKAGING CONTAINER
Lan Wangji: ?
Wei Wuxian: is this a serious inquiry?
Lan Wangji: Why are you selling a cardboard box for $50?
Wei Wuxian: sounds like an unserious inquiry to me
Wei Wuxian: $50 is perfectly reasonable
Lan Wangji: Conduct some market research.
Wei Wuxian: my pricing is perfectly in line with the market
Lan Wangji: A single cardboard box is typically $0 to $2.
Wei Wuxian: yes so i priced mine at zero!
Lan Wangji: ?
Wei Wuxian: plus the labor cost though
Lan Wangji: You made this box?
Wei Wuxian: i meant the labor cost for googling all those technical terms! it took ages
Lan Wangji: ...
Wei Wuxian: such hard work, i know!
Lan Wangji: Unreasonable.
Wei Wuxian: who’s the unreasonable one?? why shouldn’t i get adequate compensation for my labor?
Wei Wuxian: what’s with this bourgeois attitude
Lan Wangji: ?
Wei Wuxian: we workers of the world have nothing to lose but our chains
Lan Wangji: OK.
Facebook Marketplace
JAR OF PREMIUM AIR: COLORLESS, ODORLESS, TASTELESS, FRESH, 100% ORGANIC, NATURALLY SOURCED
$29.99
[photos]
Condition: Used (like new)
Description: this jar contains naturally sourced air of the freshest and highest quality you will find among all the jars of air available for purchase. contains approximately 78.08% nitrogen, 20.95% oxygen, 0.93% argon, and 0.04% carbon dioxide (may vary)
nonrefundable! available for pickup, delivery, or shipping
Seller: Wei Wuxian
Facebook Messenger
JAR OF PREMIUM AIR: COLORLESS, ODORLESS, TASTELESS, FRESH, 100% ORGANIC, NATURALLY SOURCED
Lan Wangji: Scam artistry.
Wei Wuxian: artistry is crazy omg i’m blushing
Lan Wangji: I’m calling you a scammer.
Wei Wuxian: that can’t be right? my product listing is 100% truthful and honest and also organic
Lan Wangji: You can’t sell air.
Wei Wuxian: why not?
Lan Wangji: It’s a natural resource.
Wei Wuxian: how is this any different from selling bottled water??
Lan Wangji: Air is abundant; packaging it is impractical without specialized equipment. Clean drinking water is not universally available.
Wei Wuxian: heartbreaking: the worst person u know just made a good point
Lan Wangji: You will stop selling jars of air?
Wei Wuxian: no definitely not i’m targeting a niche market of consumers
Lan Wangji: ?
Wei Wuxian: people stupid enough to buy a jar of air as a gimmick, naturally
Lan Wangji: Unethical. Unsustainable. Unproductive.
Wei Wuxian: are u cyberbullying me or giving me suggestions for my seller bio?
Lan Wangji: Mn.
Facebook Marketplace
EXTREMELY RARE ONE-OF-A-KIND HEART-SHAPED ARTISANAL CHICKEN MEDALLION
$100,000
[photos]
Condition: New
Description: behold a never-before-seen shape for this tasty poultry-based classic: the humble heart. this exquisite specimen of chicken is bite-sized, deboned, breaded, and deep-fried. not only does this culinary masterpiece contain both the chicken and the egg, but the hands of destiny have also arranged it in this unique and exceedingly uncommon form, representing the romantic and resilient spirit of chickens. its philosophical and poetic nature makes it the perfect gift for a loved one, conversation starter to display on your mantlepiece, or means to confess your hidden affections for someone
bidding starts at $100,000 for this rare treasure. i will also accept trade offers for a house, yacht, or vehicle of equal value. no lowball offers! i know this product’s true worth
Seller: Wei Wuxian
Facebook Messenger
EXTREMELY RARE ONE-OF-A-KIND HEART-SHAPED ARTISANAL CHICKEN MEDALLION
Lan Wangji: ?
Wei Wuxian: yes the sauce packet is included
Lan Wangji: This chicken nugget is not shaped like a heart.
Wei Wuxian: what is a heart shaped like?
Lan Wangji: ❤️
Wei Wuxian: woah don’t u think it’s a bit early in our acquaintanceship for u to send such blatantly flirtatious symbols to me?
Wei Wuxian: u haven’t even offered any tender words of affection yet! all u’ve done is scold me!
Lan Wangji: I am not sending any symbols with flirtatious intent. That is a heart shape. Your product is not.
Wei Wuxian: it is a heart shape!
Wei Wuxian: the human heart
Wei Wuxian: 🫀
Lan Wangji: ...
Wei Wuxian: don’t come blaming me just because ur knowledge of anatomy is lacking!
Wei Wuxian: preposterous!
Lan Wangji: The one selling a chicken nugget for $100,000 is preposterous.
Wei Wuxian: OR property of equivalent value! i’m a reasonable person!
Lan Wangji: Inaccurate.
Wei Wuxian: what’s inaccurate?? my listing is very accurate
Lan Wangji: Unreasonable.
Wei Wuxian: ur back to listing flattering and/or unflattering adjectives i see
Lan Wangji: Unflattering.
Wei Wuxian: are u trying to trick me into selling u this precious item at a discounted price???
Lan Wangji: Delusional.
Wei Wuxian: that’s it! i’m raising the price. $150,000 minimum
Facebook Marketplace
ANCIENT GEOLOGICAL FORMATION (HOLDS INFINITE SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE)
$200
[photos]
Condition: Used (fair)
Description: this rugged petrified mass of unspecified origin is probably at least a billion years old. we homo sapiens cannot possibly comprehend what it may have witnessed in its time on earth. for all we know, the most fearsome dinosaurs to walk the planet once used this lithic specimen to play a friendly game of catch!
its value is truly priceless, but i am willing to part with it for a modest sum of $200 or more
Seller: Wei Wuxian
Facebook Messenger
ANCIENT GEOLOGICAL FORMATION (HOLDS INFINITE SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE)
Lan Wangji: Your conscience allows this?
Wei Wuxian: my conscience allows a lot of things that would likely be outside the realm of ur imagination but u will have to be more specific
Lan Wangji: Selling a rock for $200.
Wei Wuxian: value is in the eye of the beholder
Lan Wangji: You have not verified its age. Additionally, dinosaurs did not “play a friendly game of catch.”
Wei Wuxian: how would u know? were u there? were u a dinosaur in ur previous life? maybe the other dinosaurs just didn’t invite u to play catch bc they didn’t find u cool and chill enough
Lan Wangji: Price gouging and false advertising are despicable practices.
Wei Wuxian: i’ve never gouged a price in my life i treat all my prices very kindly
Lan Wangji: Why are you doing this?
Wei Wuxian: why does anyone do anything on facebook marketplace? i’m here to provide goods and services in exchange for money
Lan Wangji: Are you desperate for money?
Wei Wuxian: yes i am in vital need
Lan Wangji: Then I suggest you read up on ethical selling practices and reform your methods.
Wei Wuxian: yes yes yes i’ll listen to u, great arbiter of facebook marketplace
Wei Wuxian: ur not going to take pity on me and buy this lithic treasure?
Lan Wangji: Dream on.
Facebook Marketplace
HAUNTED FLUTE CASE (GHOST TRAPPED INSIDE)
$199.99
[photos]
Condition: Used (good)
Description: this may seem like an empty flute case but in fact it’s a potential opportunity to sharpen your exorcism and/or ghostbusting skills!
i had to liberate my flute from this case because it is currently occupied by a ghost who has an aversion to music. we cannot overcome our differences but it has done me no harm. please help this lost wandering spirit find peace as i could not, due to my spirit-disturbing flute playing, or just sic it on ur enemies so it has a way to vent its resentment
Seller: Wei Wuxian
Facebook Messenger
HAUNTED FLUTE CASE (GHOST TRAPPED INSIDE)
Lan Wangji: This is your idea of reforming your ways?
Wei Wuxian: what’s wrong now?
Lan Wangji: Feudal superstition. Nonsense.
Wei Wuxian: how can u say that about my ghost pal
Lan Wangji: Ghosts are not real.
Wei Wuxian: don’t say that!! u’ll anger the ghost in my flute case and then what will i do?? will u take responsibility for the havoc it will wreak????
Lan Wangji: No need. There is no ghost.
Wei Wuxian: that’s a matter of opinion
Lan Wangji: Selling a flute case is reasonable. Charging such a high price because of a nonexistent ghost is unreasonable.
Wei Wuxian: what if i told u that the ghost is free and the flute case costs that much bc of sentimental value
Lan Wangji: If it’s so sentimental, don’t sell.
Wei Wuxian: i have to!! because it’s haunted!!!
Lan Wangji: Ridiculous. Proof?
Wei Wuxian: not all things in heaven and earth can be explained by cold hard evidence! whether there is or isn’t a ghost, i know the answer in my heart
Lan Wangji: You’re making things up.
Wei Wuxian: that’s a very uncharitable description!
Lan Wangji: Not here for charity.
Wei Wuxian: no?? then should i be paying u for ur generous feedback on my listings?
Lan Wangji: No need.
Wei Wuxian: u are really something
Lan Wangji: Stop selling useless and fraudulent items.
Wei Wuxian: i will earnestly try my best to heed ur advice
Facebook Marketplace
SUCCULENTS IN DESPERATE NEED OF REVITALIZATION BY PLANT WHISPERER
$10
[photos]
Condition: Used (fair)
Description: someone (definitely not me) with a black thumb (not me) recklessly drove these houseplants to a wretched state (it was not me). i have my hands full tending to many other plants that are extremely alive and happy so i do not feel able to devote my full attention to reviving these unfortunate succulents that were mistreated so abysmally (by someone other than me)
there is a $10 adoption fee to weed out buyers with nefarious purposes. applicants must be able to prove successful prior plant ownership to be eligible for this inspiring botanical opportunity
Seller: Wei Wuxian
Facebook Messenger
SUCCULENTS IN DESPERATE NEED OF REVITALIZATION BY PLANT WHISPERER
Lan Wangji: What did you do to them?
Wei Wuxian: honestly it’s like u don’t even read my listing descriptions! i clearly stated it wasn’t me
Wei Wuxian: whoever the culprit is (not me) accidentally poured white wine into the pots (i would never do that) and no longer feels qualified for plant ownership (or so i hear)
Lan Wangji: Rinse the roots and soil thoroughly. Replant in fresh soil.
Wei Wuxian: well u sound very knowledgeable about plants! are u here to adopt these poor suckers?
Lan Wangji: No.
Wei Wuxian: why not???
Lan Wangji: I don’t support your business practices.
Wei Wuxian: bruh
Wei Wuxian: u are too inhumane
Wei Wuxian: these plants need u!!!
Wei Wuxian: is it bc i’m charging too low and u think this will attract scoundrels who want to harm these plants? how about i octuple the price
Lan Wangji: Enough. They’re your plants.
Wei Wuxian: they are an unspecified other person’s plants!!
Lan Wangji: Then why are you selling them?
Wei Wuxian: i’m running a proxy service
Lan Wangji: Choose your clients better.
Wei Wuxian: yes yes yes gege is right i won’t consort with any more plant killers
Lan Wangji: ?
Wei Wuxian: what is it, gege????
Lan Wangji: Why are you calling me that?
Wei Wuxian: what should i call u then?? shifu?
Lan Wangji: Lan Zhan.
Wei Wuxian: that’s not nearly as funny
Wei Wuxian: fine! u can call me wei ying if u want
Wei Wuxian: it’ll add a personal touch the next time u scold me
Lan Wangji: Mn.
Wei Wuxian: ?????
Wei Wuxian: or u could stop scolding me!!
Lan Wangji: You could make better listings.
Wei Wuxian: okayyyyy whatever u say lan zhan
Wei Wuxian: i will work hard to positively contribute to the fb marketplace ecosystem and society as a whole
Facebook Marketplace
LIMITED-EDITION PICKLED CINNAMOROLL (CRUELTY FREE)
$97.97
[photos]
Condition: New
Description: fans of hit sanrio character cinnamoroll will rejoice at the chance to own such a rare collectible item. this cinnamoroll plushie has been marinating in a jar for an unspecified amount of time, transforming it into a unique pickled showpiece*
about cinnamoroll: he is a rabbit-like dog and/or a dog-like rabbit with probably many delightful qualities. also he is in a jar
*no cinnamorolls were harmed in the making of this item, allegedly
Seller: Wei Wuxian
Facebook Messenger
LIMITED-EDITION PICKLED CINNAMOROLL (CRUELTY-FREE)
Lan Wangji: This is how you contribute to society?
Wei Wuxian: aren’t i just a humble businessman selling products that fulfill a societal need?
Lan Wangji: Who in society needs this?
Wei Wuxian: my customers, of course
Lan Wangji: You have customers?
Wei Wuxian: lan zhan i’m starting to think u don’t have any faith in my business model
Lan Wangji: Yes.
Wei Wuxian: !!!! u do have faith?
Lan Wangji: No faith.
Wei Wuxian: well u don’t need faith when u have a pickled cinnamoroll!
Lan Wangji: What is “cinnamoroll”?
Wei Wuxian: the little plushie guy being pickled in this jar
Lan Wangji: Wouldn’t it have more value before you soaked it in vinegar?
Wei Wuxian: actually i didn’t have any vinegar so it’s just water
Lan Wangji: ...
Wei Wuxian: resourceful, eh?
Lan Wangji: Then it’s not pickled. You’re just drowning it.
Wei Wuxian: i’m using that term flexibly
Lan Wangji: False advertising.
Wei Wuxian: i think u r using that term flexibly too
Lan Wangji: What makes this worth $97.97?
Wei Wuxian: plushie: $30
jar: $20
water: $20
labor: $27.97!!!
Lan Wangji: Why did you spend $20 on a jar?
Wei Wuxian: it’s artisanal
Lan Wangji: And $20 for water?
Wei Wuxian: also artisanal
Lan Wangji: ...
Wei Wuxian: are u saying i should stop buying from local artisans?
Lan Wangji: ...
Wei Wuxian: craftspeople are the backbone of our society
Lan Wangji: You’re beyond help.
Wei Wuxian: don’t say thattttttt
Wei Wuxian: lan zhan come back
Wei Wuxian: do u have any recs for where to buy free-range water for future pickling operations?
Wei Wuxian: what are ur thoughts on alkaline water
Wei Wuxian: i know a local artisan on fb marketplace who can hook me up with an alkaline water machine for only $3,000
Wei Wuxian: does that seem like a worthwhile investment for my pickling business?
Lan Wangji: No.
Wei Wuxian: phew thank god u answered before i sent them the money
Facebook Marketplace
EXPERT ADVICE FOR ALL SITUATIONS
$9,999,999
[photos]
Condition: New
Description: offering advice on any and all topics for those brave enough to seek it! rates vary but will increase based on the amount of emotional distress you cause me in the process of seeking advice. i’m here to help, whether you need tips for selling responsibly on facebook marketplace or ideas on how to take revenge on your enemies. if applicable i can also conduct a live quiz to diagnose your seuxality or look into your soul to predict how you are going to die
NOTE: advice giver is NOT liable for any criminal activities, financial crises, environmental disasters, nuclear hazards, divorces, or other incidents that result from taking said advice
Seller: Wei Wuxian
Facebook Messenger
EXPERT ADVICE FOR ALL SITUATIONS
Lan Wangji: Advice on how to be unemployed and scam Facebook Marketplace shoppers?
Wei Wuxian: what’s with the friendly fire, lan zhan??
Wei Wuxian: i am gainfully employed!!! this is a side hustle!
Lan Wangji: It’s hard to tell.
Wei Wuxian: why do u never talk to me nicely!!
Lan Wangji: Unnecessary.
Wei Wuxian: tchhh
Wei Wuxian: how about i give u some advice?
Lan Wangji: For $9,999,999?
Wei Wuxian: that was just an estimate! the actual price varies by customer and circumstance
Lan Wangji: Not paying.
Wei Wuxian: well of course how could i ever charge my loyal fb marketplace comrade who has followed my listings through thick and thin??
Lan Wangji: What advice?
Wei Wuxian: that depends what u need advice on!! how’s ur love life?
Lan Wangji: You give love advice?
Wei Wuxian: well of course! i’m knowledgeable on all worldly and otherworldly matters. what can’t i give advice on?
Lan Wangji: Business.
Wei Wuxian: ...
Wei Wuxian: lan zhan, u have quite a sharp tongue
Lan Wangji: What do you know about love?
Wei Wuxian: oh, loads. i’ve watched every love island franchise
Lan Wangji: ?
Wei Wuxian: it’s a reality dating show!
Lan Wangji: No personal experience?
Wei Wuxian: invasive personal questions are not part of the advice package i fear
Wei Wuxian: why do u want to know about my love life?? i’m the one dispensing wisdom here
Lan Wangji: Establishing your credentials as an expert.
Wei Wuxian: and?
Lan Wangji: Not qualified.
Wei Wuxian: how dare u!!!
Wei Wuxian: fine then i’ll give u advice on something else
Wei Wuxian: how’s ur career satisfaction?
Lan Wangji: Fine.
Wei Wuxian: family life??
Lan Wangji: Fine.
Wei Wuxian: friendships???
Lan Wangji: Fine.
Wei Wuxian: health????
Lan Wangji: Fine.
Wei Wuxian: !!!!!!! what do u want advice on then!
Lan Wangji: Up to you.
Wei Wuxian: i sincerely advise u to cultivate a more open mind toward my business ventures
Lan Wangji: Mn.
Wei Wuxian: so u will!
Lan Wangji: Unlikely.
Wei Wuxian: ...
Wei Wuxian: at least ur honest i gotta give u that
Facebook Marketplace
LIVE WEATHER REPORTS (CANNOT GUARANTEE ACCURACY)
$25
[photos]
Condition: New
Description: this brand-new innovative service brings accessible weather reports straight to u! for a modest fee of $25 per day i will call u every time there is a change in the weather. this service may or may not include my personal feelings about the weather and wild speculations about future weather patterns*
*based not on meteorology but on vibe
Seller: Wei Wuxian
Facebook Messenger
LIVE WEATHER REPORTS (CANNOT GUARANTEE ACCURACY)
Lan Wangji: Have you given up on providing any goods or services of value to consumers?
Wei Wuxian: ?
Wei Wuxian: what do u mean, lan zhan?
Wei Wuxian: the weather is very important to everyone! i’m addressing a gap in the market
Lan Wangji: What gap? Everyone has a weather app.
Wei Wuxian: who cares about an app! i’m providing a human touch
Lan Wangji: Weather forecasters on the news are human.
Wei Wuxian: people want to chat about the weather not just hear about it! isn’t this better?
Lan Wangji: It is unnecessary, inefficient, and inaccurate.
Wei Wuxian: there u go with ur mean adjectives again
Lan Wangji: Provide value.
Wei Wuxian: that doesn’t sound like a priority of mine
Lan Wangji: Have you made any money on Facebook Marketplace?
Wei Wuxian: not in the traditional sense
Lan Wangji: ?
Wei Wuxian: it’s early days yet! u can’t be profitable right from the start. that’s business 101
Lan Wangji: You’ve taken a business course?
Wei Wuxian: well no
Lan Wangji: Evidently.
Wei Wuxian: it’s common sense!
Lan Wangji: You have proven unequivocally that it’s not.
Wei Wuxian: if i’m such a lost cause why do u keep messaging me then hmmm??
Lan Wangji: You want me to stop?
Wei Wuxian: how could i ever want that, lan zhan!!! look at the bond we’ve built here
Wei Wuxian: i would be cast adrift without ur solemn words to anchor me to the shore
Wei Wuxian: u are my knight in shining armor rescuing me from the pitfalls of irresponsible facebook marketplace seller behavior
Lan Wangji: Frivolous.
Wei Wuxian: can’t u see i’m trying to sweet talk u here?
Lan Wangji: Why?
Wei Wuxian: ur my best customer!
Lan Wangji: I have not purchased anything from you.
Wei Wuxian: it’s the thought that counts
Lan Wangji: I have not thought about purchasing anything from you.
Wei Wuxian: customer is a state of mind
Lan Wangji: I am not in that state of mind.
Wei Wuxian: so ur just my friend who cyberbullies me without cause?
Lan Wangji: Friend?
Wei Wuxian: does that work for u, lan zhan?
Lan Wangji: OK.
Wei Wuxian: as ur friend i’ll hit u up every time there’s a change in the weather
Lan Wangji: Our friendship will not continue if you do that.
Wei Wuxian: i should’ve known u weren’t a chatting-about-the-weather kind of guy
Lan Wangji: I don’t chat.
Wei Wuxian: then what are we doing right now?
Lan Wangji: Unclear.
Wei Wuxian: are u gonna accept my facebook friend request?
Lan Wangji: OK.
Wei Wuxian: look how far we’ve come
Wei Wuxian: sure u don’t want to give me ur phone number for personalized weather reports?
Lan Wangji: No.
Wei Wuxian: i can use the facebook call feature instead!
Lan Wangji: I will block you.
Wei Wuxian: but what would u do if u couldn’t see my listings, which bring so much joy and intrigue to ur life?
Lan Wangji: Live in peace.
Wei Wuxian: i will work hard to bring u inner peace with my next listing
Facebook Marketplace
LONG-LOST ROTHKO PAINTING (100% AUTHENTIC, SOURCES SAY)
$1,000,000
[photos]
Condition: Used (like new)
Description: do you have a passion for art? are you a fervent stan of mid-20th-century american abstract impressionist painter mark rothko? or do you delight in owning something that other people can’t afford or understand? are you really into rectangles? your search for deliverance ends here. this long-lost painting (100% real, not a forgery, according to sources) is by the legend himself. it has been verified by undisclosed art experts (100% real people) to be authentic (not a forgery)*
experience transcendence and/or confusion as you gaze at this never-before-seen 100% real not forged painting. the simplicity and deliberate lack of any discernible meaning will make you feel crazy, either in a profound artistic way or a normal annoyed way
*seller is not responsible for whether these mysterious experts are real or correct in their assessment
Seller: Wei Wuxian
Facebook Messenger
LONG-LOST ROTHKO PAINTING (100% AUTHENTIC, SOURCES SAY)
Lan Wangji: Forging paintings now?
Wei Wuxian: what ever happened to hey, hello, how are u?
Wei Wuxian: jumping right into accusations?
Lan Wangji: Hello. Why are you committing forgery?
Wei Wuxian: whether it’s a forgery or not, only mark rothko himself would know. may he rest in peace
Lan Wangji: Unlike the fake experts mentioned in your post, real art authenticators exist.
Wei Wuxian: this painting is foolproof trust me
Lan Wangji: If you have artistic abilities, use them to create something original.
Wei Wuxian: this is far more lucrative
Lan Wangji: I will report this listing for fraud.
Wei Wuxian: !!!!!!!
Wei Wuxian: we’ve gone so long without u reporting me
Wei Wuxian: how can u just turn ur back on this progress?
Lan Wangji: Because fraud is against the terms of service.
Wei Wuxian: what’s a little terms of service violation among friends!
Lan Wangji: I will not permit my friend to go down this path.
Wei Wuxian: don’t u want ur friend to earn a million dollars
Lan Wangji: No.
Wei Wuxian: ?!?!!?
Lan Wangji: Earn it with original art. Not fraud.
Wei Wuxian: are u going to buy my first masterpiece for $1 million
Lan Wangji: $50.
Wei Wuxian: feels like a lowball offer...
Lan Wangji: Don’t overestimate yourself.
Wei Wuxian: okay okay okay i will return with something stunning to be worth ur $50
Lan Wangji: OK.
Facebook Marketplace
EXQUISITE HAND-CRAFTED ARTISANAL ORGANIC FRUIT CARVING
$50
[photos]
Condition: New
Description: dazzle your loved ones and baffle your haters with a one-of-a-kind fruit carving (examples pictured). these hand-carved art pieces by a fresh new up-and-coming local artist/fruit carver will make the perfect centerpiece for your dining table or decor for your fruit bowl
choice of fruit is negotiable (with limitations)
serious art lovers only!! do not contact me if you don’t know how to appreciate art
Seller: Wei Wuxian
Facebook Messenger
EXQUISITE HAND-CRAFTED ARTISANAL ORGANIC FRUIT CARVING
Lan Wangji: Hello.
Wei Wuxian: hello!
Lan Wangji: This is your original art?
Wei Wuxian: yes! are u looking down on it?
Lan Wangji: No.
Lan Wangji: Is it customizable?
Wei Wuxian: of course! anything for my good friend and patron lan zhan. what is your request?
Lan Wangji: [photo]
Wei Wuxian: eh? what’s this?
Lan Wangji: Rabbit.
Wei Wuxian: yes i can see that! ur rabbit?? u want a pet portrait????
Lan Wangji: Mn.
Wei Wuxian: wow lan zhan i can’t believe i’m discovering u have a sentimental side
Lan Wangji: I recently discovered you have an “artistic side.”
Wei Wuxian: using quotation marks there is some crazy work
Wei Wuxian: what’s your favorite fruit?
Lan Wangji: Lychee.
Wei Wuxian: !!!!!????
Lan Wangji: What’s wrong?
Wei Wuxian: can’t u take pity on me?? lychees are way too difficult to carve an intricate picture into
Wei Wuxian: what about a pear or something
Lan Wangji: No pears.
Wei Wuxian: apple?
Lan Wangji: OK.
Wei Wuxian: if i toil away lovingly carving a picture of ur pet rabbit into an apple, ur actually going to buy it?
Lan Wangji: Lovingly?
Wei Wuxian: of course! i love all my benefactors. unfortunately u are currently the only one
Lan Wangji: That’s unfortunate?
Wei Wuxian: yes for my bank account!
Wei Wuxian: don’t try to evade responsibility! will u pay real human money to purchase this fruit sculpture??
Lan Wangji: As opposed to?
Wei Wuxian: idk crypto? chocolate coins?
Lan Wangji: Yes. Real human money.
Wei Wuxian: fifty whole dollars?
Lan Wangji: Yes.
Wei Wuxian: no comments about how i’m price gouging or overestimating the value?
Lan Wangji: No.
Wei Wuxian: dreams really do come true!
Lan Wangji: You dreamed of me?
Wei Wuxian: ahhhh what are u saying lan zhan don’t paint me as some kind of lecher!!
Wei Wuxian: i’m dreaming of cold hard cash i can fill my bathtub with
Lan Wangji: OK.
Wei Wuxian: speaking of which, shall i mail this work of art to u?
Lan Wangji: I will get it in person.
Wei Wuxian: oh?????
Wei Wuxian: u want to meet up??
Wei Wuxian: and here i thought we were still in the infancy stages of this friendship!
Lan Wangji: ?
Wei Wuxian: sure sure sure very cool very casual. wanna meet at a coffee shop? tomorrow afternoon?
Lan Wangji: Yes.
Wei Wuxian: does this place work for u? [link]
Lan Wangji: 3 p.m.
Wei Wuxian: perfect it’s a date
Lan Wangji: Yes.
Wei Wuxian: i’m gonna hustle to create this masterpiece
Facebook Marketplace
HIRE A BEARER OF BAD NEWS
$50.01
[photos]
Condition: New
Description: do you avoid confrontation like the plague? are u looking for an easy, painless way to break up with someone or tell ur parents that u crashed their car into a tree? are u trying to hard-launch ur new career as a pro gamer and don’t know how to tell ur loved ones? boy do i have a solution for u
hire me to deliver the bad news! i will approach every conversation with compassion, candor, cleverness, and other impressive nouns beginning with C. no bad news is too bad for me to take on*! no job is too big* or too small*. i am willing to go to extreme lengths* to tell people about news they just don’t want to hear
*limitations may apply
Seller: Wei Wuxian
Facebook Messenger
HIRE A BEARER OF BAD NEWS
Lan Wangji: Hello. This is strange.
Wei Wuxian: hello my dearest darlingest and only client
Wei Wuxian: do u have any bad news u would like me to deliver?
Wei Wuxian: anyone u want me to break up with for u?
Lan Wangji: No. That would be disrespectful.
Wei Wuxian: ahhhh lan zhan u and ur principles are really standing in the way of my get-rich-quick schemes
Lan Wangji: Anyone who pays for this service is cowardly.
Wei Wuxian: but see how brave i am, offering to charge forth into the unknown and break bad news to strangers?
Lan Wangji: Why not good news?
Wei Wuxian: well typically people enjoy sharing good news with others
Wei Wuxian: do u have any good news u want me to deliver??
Lan Wangji: No.
Wei Wuxian: for u i will do it for free <3
Lan Wangji: Why?
Wei Wuxian: i’m bored
Lan Wangji: How are you going to become profitable if you give away your services for free?
Wei Wuxian: i can’t let a little money muddy the waters of our friendship, lan zhan!
Wei Wuxian: i’ll do u a favor just as u did me a favor by purchasing my peerlessly beautiful artwork
Lan Wangji: Oh.
Wei Wuxian: what news shall i deliver
Lan Wangji: I want to cancel my gym membership. [link]
Wei Wuxian: oh gyms are diabolical they never want to let u go
Wei Wuxian: i’ll call them right now and lay down the law!
Lan Wangji: OK.
Wei Wuxian: ...well i tried laying down the law but they said u have to cancel in person
Lan Wangji: Mn.
Wei Wuxian: then...i’ll go in person and try to cancel it on ur behalf!
Lan Wangji: I’ll accompany you.
Wei Wuxian: this seems to defeat the purpose of the service if u get dragged all the way there too!
Lan Wangji: You can handle the talking.
Wei Wuxian: ur right i am so good at talking
Wei Wuxian: fear not! i will not allow them to sucker u into any additional costs
Wei Wuxian: u will be free of this gym!
Lan Wangji: OK.
Wei Wuxian: why are u canceling it anyway?
Lan Wangji: Tired of it.
Wei Wuxian: ahh no time to go?
Lan Wangji: Too much small talk.
Wei Wuxian: hahahahahaha
Wei Wuxian: i should’ve guessed
Wei Wuxian: how about i throw in a gym recommendation as part of the service? everyone at my gym is silent and unfriendly
Wei Wuxian: i’ll take u there after we free u from the shackles of ur current gym
Wei Wuxian: i bet i can charm them into giving u a discounted rate
Lan Wangji: OK.
Wei Wuxian: when do u want to go?
Lan Wangji: Now.
Wei Wuxian: right now??
Lan Wangji: Are you free?
Wei Wuxian: well of course
Wei Wuxian: send me ur address i’ll pick u up
Lan Wangji: [address]
Wei Wuxian: on my way!
Facebook Marketplace
PROFESSIONAL CUDDLING SERVICE
$50.02
[photos]
Condition: New
Description: is ur love language physical affection? are u a cuddle bug who keeps getting squished by the weight of modern society’s increasing aversion to touch? do u want a cuddle buddy with none of the strings attached? sigh no more! this humble service provider is here to fulfill all* ur cuddling needs at a reasonable hourly price
applicants must pass a background check and a vibe check! non-salacious inquiries only
*not the weird ones
Seller: Wei Wuxian
Facebook Messenger
PROFESSIONAL CUDDLING SERVICE
Lan Wangji: Hello. What is this?
Wei Wuxian: why hello there
Wei Wuxian: my genius new business plan
Wei Wuxian: i’m really good at cuddling
Lan Wangji: Why do you want to cuddle with strangers?
Wei Wuxian: my cat says i’m overbearing in my affections and should seek it elsewhere
Lan Wangji: You have a cat?
Wei Wuxian: of course! her name is suibian [photo]
Lan Wangji: You named her Suibian?
Wei Wuxian: of course! what’s ur rabbit’s name?
Lan Wangji: Bichen.
Wei Wuxian: how darling
Lan Wangji: Does she get along with your lobster?
Wei Wuxian: my what?
Lan Wangji: The lobster you made a listing about.
Wei Wuxian: oh! no sadly she ate him
Lan Wangji: Are you serious?
Wei Wuxian: hahahahaha i can feel u frowning through the screen
Wei Wuxian: i’m just kiddingggggg
Wei Wuxian: i would never allow my pets the opportunity to eat each other
Wei Wuxian: unless it was profitable
Wei Wuxian: just kidding again!
Wei Wuxian: i took a picture of a random lobster i saw at the beach
Lan Wangji: Oh.
Wei Wuxian: so who should i be cuddling with if not strangers?
Lan Wangji: People you know.
Wei Wuxian: hmmmm
Wei Wuxian: i know u????
Wei Wuxian: are u eligible?
Lan Wangji: ...
Wei Wuxian: free of charge of course
Lan Wangji: If it’s free, what is the point?
Wei Wuxian: what is the point indeed...
Wei Wuxian: don’t think u can tiptoe away from my offer without properly answering
Lan Wangji: Why me?
Wei Wuxian: why not u?
Lan Wangji: I see.
Wei Wuxian: hahahaha exactly what are u seeing??
Wei Wuxian: the value of my services?
Lan Wangji: Mn.
Wei Wuxian: ???
Lan Wangji: Come over.
Wei Wuxian: ???????
Lan Wangji: I’ll evaluate this service.
Wei Wuxian: are u going to give me a 5-star review??
Lan Wangji: No.
Wei Wuxian: ????????????
Lan Wangji: What do you need a review for?
Wei Wuxian: to lure in more customers!!
Lan Wangji: No.
Wei Wuxian: then how will i make money!
Lan Wangji: Keep brainstorming.
Wei Wuxian: i’m coming over rn to negotiate with u
Lan Wangji: See you soon.
Facebook Marketplace
HIRE ME TO DISAPPOINT YOUR PARENTS AND PERTURB YOUR RELATIVES
Free
[photos]
Condition: Used (fair)
Description: do u want to set the bar really low for ur dating life so ur parents will have no choice but to accept ur future partners? are u hoping to unsettle ur bigoted uncle at a family gathering? then look no further! i am qualified to ruin the vibe at any family function and rage-bait ur relatives. just tell me ur specifications and i will adapt accordingly to provide a top-tier service at no cost!
note: seller will not take responsibility for any subsequent fallout and/or legal consequences
Seller: Wei Wuxian
Facebook Messenger
HIRE ME TO DISAPPOINT YOUR PARENTS AND PERTURB YOUR RELATIVES
Lan Wangji: I don’t get it.
Wei Wuxian: this is a premium service lan zhan
Wei Wuxian: haven’t u ever wanted to rebel against ur family?
Wei Wuxian: rile them up a little??
Lan Wangji: No.
Wei Wuxian: hmm well idk if i’m qualified to impress anyone’s family so this service may not be suitable for u
Lan Wangji: Why is it free?
Wei Wuxian: just for fun
Lan Wangji: But you need money.
Wei Wuxian: desperately!!
Lan Wangji: For what?
Wei Wuxian: i saw a homemade arm wrestling machine on here!
Lan Wangji: That’s why you have made all these ridiculous listings?
Wei Wuxian: don’t be silly!
Wei Wuxian: originally i wanted to buy a retired battleship but it was slightly out of budget
Wei Wuxian: but then i found a t-rex skeleton 3d-printed to scale
Wei Wuxian: and a go kart made out of a shopping cart
Wei Wuxian: and a jouch!!
Lan Wangji: Jouch?
Wei Wuxian: a couch made out of many pairs of denim jeans
Lan Wangji: ...
Wei Wuxian: these were all slightly outside my usual budget
Lan Wangji: Why did you make this listing free?
Wei Wuxian: it’s a humanitarian act
Lan Wangji: Raise the price.
Wei Wuxian: eh??? aren’t u usually the one calling my pricing strategies unethical?
Lan Wangji: If it’s free, you will attract unsavory characters.
Wei Wuxian: that won’t do! i’m only trying to attract one person
Lan Wangji: Who?
Wei Wuxian: what an insightful question, lan zhan
Lan Wangji: Wei Ying.
Wei Wuxian: do u have any family members u’d like to perturb?
Lan Wangji: My uncle’s birthday is Saturday.
Wei Wuxian: say less! how shall i anger him to mark the occasion?
Lan Wangji: You’ll come?
Wei Wuxian: circling the date on my calendar rn
Wei Wuxian: what are ur instructions?
Lan Wangji: Just be yourself.
Wei Wuxian: u have keen instincts
Wei Wuxian: my natural self should be more than enough to vex him
Wei Wuxian: so i’ll pretend to be ur boyfriend!
Lan Wangji: No.
Wei Wuxian: no?
Lan Wangji: Don’t pretend.
Wei Wuxian: ?????
Wei Wuxian: instructions unclear
Wei Wuxian: then what do u want me to do at this gathering?
Lan Wangji: Be my boyfriend.
Wei Wuxian: ?!?!!?!!?!
Wei Wuxian: buy a guy dinner first
Wei Wuxian: goddamn
Lan Wangji: OK. Tonight?
Wei Wuxian: ????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wei Wuxian: a guy buys one carved apple from u and suddenly ur legally wed...
Lan Wangji: Not yet.
Wei Wuxian: lan zhan, this is really absurd
Wei Wuxian: i’m not going to stop posting on fb marketplace just bc u have managed to lock me down
Lan Wangji: That’s fine.
Wei Wuxian: ur going to support my dubious business endeavors?
Lan Wangji: You can’t have intimate relations with any other buyers.
Wei Wuxian: can i offer them personal discounts to lure them in
Lan Wangji: No.
Wei Wuxian: my business plans are going up in smoke...
Wei Wuxian: the only sale i’ve made is from seducing u!!
Lan Wangji: I will help you reform your selling practices.
Wei Wuxian: i can’t tell if that’s romantic or if i’ve just been spending too much time on facebook marketplace
Lan Wangji: Dinner?
Wei Wuxian: yes alright alright
Wei Wuxian: it’s my treat
Wei Wuxian: i’ll use the profits from my artwork
Lan Wangji: What about the “jouch”?
Wei Wuxian: i can give up all material things for a greater good if i must
Lan Wangji: No need. I’ll pay.
Wei Wuxian: are u gonna be my sugar daddy now since my business didn’t work out?
Lan Wangji: Wei Ying.
Wei Wuxian: yes, fructose father?
Lan Wangji: Enough nonsense.
Wei Wuxian: should we steal some cutlery from the restaurant to list on fb marketplace
Lan Wangji: Stop having suspicious thoughts. I’ll pick you up at 7.
Wei Wuxian: my creative entrepreneurial spirit is being stifled!!!
Lan Wangji: Use it to invent something of value.
Wei Wuxian: like a compass that can detect evil!
Lan Wangji: Perhaps another idea.
Wei Wuxian: aren’t boyfriends supposed to be supportive????
Lan Wangji: OK. I’ll buy materials for your compass.
Wei Wuxian: lan zhannnnnnnn
Lan Wangji: Wei Ying.
Wei Wuxian: who knew it was possible to find a true philanthropist in such a cursed place as this
Lan Wangji: I should have expected to meet such a shameless seller.
Wei Wuxian: how could u have foreseen such a serendipitous encounter? i’m one of a kind!
Lan Wangji: Yes.
Wei Wuxian: shouldn’t u say some more sweet words to me if u want to date me?
Lan Wangji: Handsome. Clever. Troublesome.
Wei Wuxian: u had me in the first half...
Lan Wangji: Perhaps trouble can be good.
Wei Wuxian: that’s more like it
Wei Wuxian: beautiful, serious, and secretly a little soft???
Wei Wuxian: deadly combination, lan zhan
Lan Wangji: We can date now?
Wei Wuxian: eager, are u?
Lan Wangji: Mn.
Wei Wuxian: u are way more reasonable to deal with when ur not reporting me to facebook
Lan Wangji: I did report this listing.
Wei Wuxian: ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Wei Wuxian: for what!?
Lan Wangji: It’s inappropriate to offer these services to strangers.
Wei Wuxian: o
Wei Wuxian: i see...
Lan Wangji: Mn.
Wei Wuxian: if we officially start dating, are u going to stop reporting my posts???
Lan Wangji: Depends.
Wei Wuxian: on???
Lan Wangji: What you post.
Wei Wuxian: what ARE the special boyfriend privileges then?
Lan Wangji: Find out tonight.
Wei Wuxian: ...i’ll see u at 7
Lan Wangji: Mn.