Chapter Text
“Now folks, I spend most of my time right over there, carefully cultivating the perfect starter of news, meticulously kneading dough of stories, scrupulously analysing the best baking tins for the day’s jokes, and perfecting the oven temperature and timing to create for you the immaculate perfectly cooked loaf of sourdough that is my nightly monologue. But sometimes, just sometimes, folks, I grab a handful of discarded flour, pour in cheap beer and rip apart green chip packets, then nail it all together to bake the cursed shame loaf of news that is my segment.
…Meanwhile!”
The crowd erupted into cheers and applause.
“Now folks, as many of you know, I’ve always had a fascination with supernatural literature. But recently, scientists have raised alarm bells that one such creature might be living among us. [Thunderclap sound effect] ,
They studied children lost on the moors of Britain. They returned with pale skin, blood loss, and pointed teeth. [Turns to another camera]
That sounds suspiciously like the work… of a vampire!
Dun Dun Duuuuunnn!
”