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Darkness filled the bedroom, save for the amber glow of the street lights outside peeking through the shoddily pulled curtains. It was almost silent, the sound of their slowing breaths the only noise between the two men. Aaron lay on his side, facing the bedside table, John’s latest read sat abandoned. The duvet clung to Aaron, heavy with the sweat of what they’d just done. The body next to him was barely centimetres away; so close he could feel the heat radiating from the other man. Moments ago there had been no distance between them and now they felt miles apart. There was an awkwardness in the air, strange considering the moment the two men had just shared and yet neither of them spoke. They sat in silence for what felt like minutes, but it couldn’t have been more than 30 seconds.
“I’m sorry,” Aaron said, finally plucking up the courage to face the other man, who lay unmoving, eyes fixed upon the ceiling like it might offer answers.
“What for?” he replied, not shifting his eyes. Aaron swallowed, taking in a slow, shallow breath.
“This. Us. It was never meant to happen.” Aaron watched as the other man shifted uncomfortably, his gaze moving to another part of the ceiling. Something in Aaron’s heart ached to look at the man sitting next to him. Before he could stop himself, he slipped his hand into the other man’s; it was warm and more clammy than Aaron had expected. The surprise of it dragged Robert’s gaze from the ceiling to their hands. He hesitated, pulse loud in his ears, then let his fingers curl around the Aaron’s, slowly and carefully. Not tight. Not confident, like every move he made these days – hesitant, unsure, a step removed from the Robert Aaron had seen on the day of his wedding to John. Robert shifted his gaze from their clasped hands to look towards Aaron who had shifted to lie on his side facing Robert.
“It’s messed up.” Robert finally replied, his vulnerability becoming seemingly deeper each time he spoke.
“I just… I didn’t want to hurt you, Robert. I didn’t want this to become a thing, and it has,” Aaron said, looking down at their clasped hands momentarily before looking back up to face Robert.
“You haven’t hurt me.” He knew as soon as the words left his mouth that his unsteady voice had betrayed his words. Not that there was much point anyway; Aaron could read him like a book. Robert loved that and hated that in equal measure.
“Robert…” Aaron began whilst rubbing small circles on the palm of Robert’s hand in the way he had done many years ago. “I know you and I know when I’ve hurt you.”
Robert hated what he felt in that moment. He felt desperate; desperate for this not to be another stolen moment, and instead to fall into Aaron’s arms night after night. Instead, here he was, naked in the bed Aaron shared with Robert’s half brother. And yet despite everything, the caring look on Aaron’s face made Robert’s walls tumble. Aaron unravelled him in a way nobody else could. Whatever Aaron wanted or needed, that was Robert’s unconscious motto. It guided everything he did, whether he realised so or not.
“It’s okay.” He muttered, forcing a soft smile which did not quite meet his eyes. “I’d spend a lifetime doing this if it meant I could have even a few minutes with you.”
Aaron mirrored Robert’s sad smile before speaking, “you’re worth more than being a secret, Robert.”
“You sound like Paddy.”
Aaron let out a smirke faintly before they both descended into silence again, Robert’s eyes returning to the ceiling. Aaron kept his gaze on Robert, drinking in the sight of his unclothed body. His hair was different; longer, untidier. Robert’s eyes, once smug, seemed dulled now, haunted by something Aaron could feel more than see. The most different thing was the stubble that he now wore around his mouth. He thought he would have hated it, but it suited Robert. He was slightly more mature, and yet still Aaron couldn’t not feel a surge of warmth when he was nearby.
His arms were bigger than they once were and Aaron liked it, though he tried not to imagine why Robert had suddenly taken a liking to the gym. His torso had benefitted too from his new workout regime, his core muscles more defined than they once were. His gunshot scar lay just slightly right of where his heart beat softly. That had once been his only scar and yet his torso bore the scars of stories Aaron hadn’t been a part of. One particularly large scar caught Aaron’s eye as the wind shifted the curtains slightly, the light illuminating the angry line on the left side of his chest. Involuntarily he raised his free hand to touch the scar inquisitively, causing the other man to shudder softly, letting out a small gasp. Suddenly Aaron understood why Robert always insisted on darkness in the stolen moments they sharee, whether here, in the scrapyard cabin, or in Aaron’s car parked in some forgotten corner.
“What’s this?”
“You don’t get to ask me those kinds of questions anymore,” Robert said, his mouth acting before his heart could betray him.
“Robert, saying that to Vic might get her to stop asking questions, but not me.” He could feel the tension radiating from Robert’s sweaty hand.
“It’s prison Aaron, you know what it’s like.” He said, his head turning away slightly.. His voice was steady but Aaron could see the glisten of silent tears spilling down Robert’s face. He moved his hand from Robert’s chest, using the pad of his thumb to softly wipe away Robert’s tears. Robert moved away softly, almost fooling himself that he didn’t want Aaron’s comfort, but soon he closed his eyes allowing his face to melt into Aaron’s rough hand.
“You can talk to me, you know.” Robert turned to face him. Aaron could barely see Robert’s face in the darkness, but he could feel the tension radiating from Robert as he rubbed soft circles on the other man’s cheek.
“I wish I could.”
“Why can’t you?” Aaron replied, trying desperately to stop his own voice from cracking. He wanted to be strong for Robert for once.
“Because you’re not mine.” he said, pulling his hand out of Aaron’s grip. It was Aaron’s turn to look away, biting his lip forcefully to stop his tears from flowing. If he started he might never stop. He composed himself before turning to look back at Robert.
“Robert…” He started, unsure what he could say to make the situation better. If only Robert knew what things were like between him and John. “Whether we are together or not, I will always be here for you. You always were my best friend.”
A small, humourless laugh escaped Robert.
“Friends don’t have sex,” he said, to which Aaron laughed despite himself, cheeks flushing. “I mean how many times have you had Mack in this bed?’
Aaron laughed properly this time. That was the Robert he knew.
“Wouldn’t you like to know?”
They settled into a more comfortable silence for a few minutes, Aaron running his hands through Robert’s sweaty hair in a way he confessed to himself was much more intimate than just friends .
“It wasn’t all bad, was it?” Robert spoke, breaking the silence.
“The sex with Mack?” Aaron joked with his cheeky grin lit by a break of light.
“No you idiot.” Robert teased. “I meant us. When we were together. Married. When we were our own little family. Me, you… Liv.”
“...and Seb.” Aaron added, something which saw the smile fall from Robert’s face. Aaron had wanted to bring up Seb for weeks, since the first time they gave in to the force pulling them together and yet he couldn’t. Every other time they had tried hard to keep the focus on emotionless sex, both trying to pretend that there wasn’t something more. They’d meet after dark, whenever Aaron could, attempt a no-talking no-love sex, always in the dark, before trying to leave without cuddling or letting three silly words ruin their convenient arrangement.
“No Robert, it wasn’t all bad,” Aaron began, memories suddenly threatening to burst a dam of tears once more. “How is he?” he asked.
Robert sniffled softly and Aaron almost wished he hadn’t asked. Robert shook his head softly, “I… I don’t know.” He said, his voice unsteady again, tears spilling down his face once more. Aarom had seen Robert cry before, but he could count the number of times. Robert had never seemed quite so broken and it tore Aaron apart.
“When did you last see him?” Aaron asked, focusing on silently wiping away Robert’s tears to stop his own emotions from overflowing.
“Uhh…” Robert looked away, almost embarrassed by the answer, but Aaron pulled his face back.
“You can tell me,” he began, "I'm not judging you.”
“Just before covid. Then they stopped visits and I called him when I could but Rebecca eventually said it was too confusing for him, so she stopped bringing him. I wrote letters and I sent cards. Sometimes she would send a reply. Sometimes when she wasn’t there, Ross would call and I got to call him. Seb, I mean. But he didn’t recognise me.”
Aaron’s heart ached as he let Robert recount the story. He had been cruelly cut from Seb’s life, he knew what it was like. He also knew what it was like to be alone and isolated in prison. Seeing Robert now, broken and lost, he wished he had done more to fight for him back in 2019.
“Then when she died, they called and asked me where he should go. Like he was an unwanted Amazon parcel,” Robert continued, defensively. “I wanted him here in Emmerdale, with Vic or with you but I… I was too scared to ask.’
“Oh Robert…” Aaron sighed, using his free hand to wipe a stray tear which had escaped down his own cheek before Robert could see the effect his words were having on Aaron. “You never had to ask me. I’d do anything for that boy.”
“You had built a new life with… him.” Robert protested, a stark reminder that things weren’t simple anymore.
“He was like a son to me Robert, you never ever have to ask me.”
“It doesn’t matter now anyway.” Robert conceded in defeat.
“Why not? He’s your son. He should be with you.” Robert shook his head almost violently, before sitting up on the edge of the bed, eyes fixed on the window with his back to Aaron.
“I’ll only let him down. He’s better off with Lucinda.” Aaron stood from the bed and walked round to where Robert was perched on Aaron’s side of the bed, completely naked, staring down at his feet. He knelt down in front of Robert, not caring that he was also naked, with Robert, in the bedroom that was meant to be his and John’s.
“Robert,” he began, grabbing the man’s two hands from where they lay on his knees.
“It’s been a long time since you stood between my legs like that,” Robert joked in an attempt to stop Aaron from saying what he was about to say. Aaron looked away a reluctant smile pulling at Aaron’s mouth, before shaking his head and returning to look at Robert.
“I’m trying to be serious,” Aaron started. “You are not perfect Robert. Far from it. But you’re that little boy’s dad. And Robert, I've seen it first hand. You’re a brilliant dad. And yeah, you might be going through stuff right now, but you have lots of people behind you. We’re all here to support you. There are lots of people who love you…”
And silence. What had started as Aaron saying something quite sweet, had opened up a world of emotions that Aaron hadn’t meant to say, and Robert was far from ready to hear. Robert snatched his hands from Aaron, instantly looking away from the younger man. His breathing became short and shallow as he rushed to collect his clothes from the floor of Aaron’s bedroom. At first, Aaron stayed stuck where he had been kneeling, unable to move.
“I… I have…. I have to go.” Robert managed to say whilst pulling on his grey trousers.
“Robert,” Aaron protested, reaching out to try to stop Robert who flinched at the touch he had not seen coming. “I… I’m sorry…”
Robert turned, not to look at Aaron, but to try to find his shirt that had been thrown off in a much happier moment earlier that evening. As he turned, Aaron could see the hurt and panic on Robert’s face, but Aaron was powerless to stop it. Instead, he watched Robert scramble around for his shirt, pulling it on shoddily, before rushing out of the bedroom. Aaron grabbed his dressing gown from the back of the bedroom door, throwing it on to try to rush after Robert, but it was too late. By the time Aaron had made it down the stairs, the door had slammed, and Robert was gone.