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Tammy Edwards parked her car in the parking lot of the abandoned public school, the silence leaving just her and her thoughts. The silence was consuming, really. A desolate reminder of what she'd become after the Cyclone accident. Something not even prayers to God could fix.
Tammy's hands shook as she turned off the car, slowly grabbing the small bouquet of flowers she bought from the local flower shop. One of the few people who stayed in Uranium after graduating, Trishna, was the one who assisted Tammy in buying the flowers.
There was an unspoken solidarity in the silences of their interaction, something that most of Uranium City had with each other after the Cyclone accident back in September. An irreversible shift affected the whole town. It was quieter now, silent prayers sent to the families of the children. The Blackwood Café felt less like a fun hangout spot and more like a memorial service. People still hung out there, of course, but there was always a feeling of hollow grief hanging over the café. A presence that couldn't be named. Tammy couldn't escape that lonely feeling, the pictures of the choir plastered everywhere in the aftermath of the incident. She felt like she was suffocating in an open, dead field.
The flowers weren't anything fancy, just a small bouquet of purple hyacinths. Tammy felt as if she was gripping the bouquet too tight, but if she didn't, she was afraid the bouquet would disappear, get erased.
Forgotten.
Tammy stepped out of the car, locking it. The sound of the car locking absolved her of her loneliness for a split second, audible confirmation that she wasn't just standing in a void. It was silly to rely on her car for that, though.
The sky had just started to settle into a quiet night. The stars weren't quite visible yet, but Tammy knew they would be soon. She figured she should start walking towards the graveyard. Her steps were uncertain and slow, as if she could walk slow enough to procrastinate the destination to next year. The graveyard was open twenty four hours a day, as long as you weren't disrespectful of the graves. Tammy would never do such a thing. The cool March air surrounded Tammy. It was a vaguely comfortable temperature, even if it was still a little chilly from the previous winter. The walk to the graveyard was silent, but Tammy's thoughts weren't.
This was the first time that Tammy was visiting the graves of the choir, but she wanted to see one grave in particular. She wanted to see the grave of Penny Lamb, her former best friend. The one who was dismissed as a runaway after she went missing at the same time as the incident. Tammy wasn't stupid, she knew those events lined up. She knew that Penny was the "Jane Doe" that was found in the wreckage. The longer she thought about it, though, the more she wanted to run away, just as everyone thought Penny had.
The walk wasn't too long, much to the despair of Tammy's tight grip and fidgety hands that just couldn't stop messing with her cross necklace. A sense a dread washed over Tammy as she carefully walked through the gates of the graveyard. There was no one there to tell her that it would be ok, and that if it wasn't, they could just scream Seven Up songs together until it was. Tammy was completely alone.
Tammy's eyes scanned the graveyard. It was small, but she never knew how much life could be in such a death-centered place. So many souls gone from this world, each with their own lives and relationships. She hoped the ones who deserved it got to go to heaven. Really, she hoped no one had to experience the burning pits of hell. Her eyes locked onto a grave with plenty of flowers and cards. She stepped closer, careful to not accidentally step on a place where someone was buried.
Constance Blackwood
1992-2009
A daughter, a sister, and a friend
Tammy eyes widened at the sight of Constance's grave. Once a lively young woman was now just represented with a cold piece of stone. Flowers, cards, and a well-loved teddy bear resided beside the grave. So many people cared for her.
The rest of the choir's graves had varying amounts of flowers and care put into them. Next to Ricky's grave was a picture of him with his family. Next to Noel's was a single black rose, presumably left by his mother. Ocean's grave had a few more flowers, probably left by the community. Misha's grave had only a small Ukrainian flag placed next to it. A sense of pity filled Tammy, and she considered coming back sometime to bring something to his grave.
Tammy froze when she saw a small headstone, nausea rising to her throat. She nearly dropped the bouquet of hyacinths.
Here lies Jane Doe
September 14th, 2009
Not a single flower was placed on the grave. Not a single card. Nothing. But she wasn't Jane Doe to Tammy, she was Penny Lamb. She was Tammy's best friend, Ezra's sister. She was somebody's daughter. She was forgotten and discarded at such a young age. So little care put into her grave.
Tammy approached the grave as if Penny's headless corpse would come to life and attack her. She sat next to the headstone, gently placing the bouquet of hyacinths beside it. She blinked at the grave for a moment.
"Oh, Penny," Tammy whispered, her voice breaking. She hugged her knees to her chest. Tears started to fall down Tammy's face as she quietly sobbed. The only thing that accompanied her were the ambient songs of birds. "I'm sorry- so sorry. I miss you so much. You don't deserve this, you never did."
Tammy paused her ranting. She felt as if she was in a confessional, only this time, she was confessing to the grave of her dead friend. Tammy believed that no one deserved to go through such a loss at only seventeen years old.
"I know who you are. I'm so sorry I never identified you. I- nobody wanted you to be identified. They said that you ran away, that you were just another troubled kid that took what they had for granted," Tammy rambled again, trying to clean herself of sin. She had to pause every few seconds to hyperventilate. She stopped herself and stared out into the cold night, refusing to make eye contact with what represented Penny. "I could've identified you…"
The words hung in the air, the weight of the situation dropping onto Tammy like an avalanche. The harsh reality made Tammy's chest tighten. She was no better than anyone else. She had a chance that Ezra didn't, being only fourteen at the time of the accident and with a criminal record. She didn't take it. Tammy was sinful. Tammy was everything she never wanted to be.
She had never hoped so hard that someone was in heaven. Penny would be the perfect fit for heaven. After all, her smile was one of an angel, and her eyes were like small, beautiful emeralds. Maybe if Penny was in heaven, Tammy wouldn't feel such a crushing pain in her chest or the nauseating feeling of absolute guilt and responsibility.
Tammy sat with the feeling for a while, staring at Penny's grave. She really was never getting her Penny back. She was never going to hear her laugh again, something that made Tammy's heart warm every time. She was never going to be able to do Penny's makeup again, never paint her nails, never see the smile on her face afterwards. Tammy truly, deeply loved Penny.
And the worst part was, she still couldn't bring herself to identify Penny. She still couldn't face the people trying to cover up the truth, that Penny Lamb had tragically died in a roller coaster accident. It was like a secret only Tammy and Ezra knew. Technically, Jane Doe could be anybody, but Tammy and Ezra knew for a fact that it was Penny.
"I love you," Tammy blurted out, although it was only at a whisper. The words lost power the moment they left her mouth, merely coming out as a pathetic sob. Tammy wasn't entirely sure what she meant by what she said, but she knew that it was absolutely true. Tammy did love Penny. She loved Penny in every life, in every universe, in every instance.
She felt so small, basically a child crying alone in a graveyard, sitting next to the grave of her unidentified best friend. It felt like they were the only two people that existed. Honestly, in a weird way, she liked the solitude. There was no one else for Tammy to worry about, not the church, not her parents, not even her own friends. It was just Tammy and Penny, separated by a bustling September evening at the fair.
Tammy had been home that day. She remembered it so vividly, the news broadcast, her parents freaking out, the grief that followed. Tammy didn't know it at the time, but Penny's last words to Tammy were a text that read, "About to start the choir concert!!! Been warming up my voice all day!!! 😼" and Tammy's last words to Penny were a simple two words, "Good luck! :)". Tammy replayed those messages in her mind constantly. Was there anything different she could've said so Penny wouldn't have gotten onto the roller coaster. Was there any way to save her?
It was no use now. The choir was gone. Penny was gone. There was no changing the past. Tammy's tears slowed, and she looked at Penny's grave.
Maybe she expected some sort of epiphany of grief, some feeling of belonging or relief, or maybe just less loneliness that consumed her from the inside out, but she got none of that.
Tammy had never felt so alone.
Tammy shifted her position so that she was sitting on her knees and clasped her hands together gently around her cross necklace. As she prayed, she held back tears that threatened to spill again. She prayed, begged that Penny was in a better place now. She could never bare to imagine Penny being sent to eternal suffering. If Penny was in hell, Tammy would surely go too. She prayed for Penny to be dancing among the clouds, seeing the animals she so very loved, and listening to the most pristine of Seven Up CDs. Maybe Penny would listen to the mix that Tammy made for her, all those years ago. Really, the prayer was a desperate attempt to salvage what she had with Penny. Maybe Penny could forgive her one day. Maybe God could forgive her one day.
Tammy ended off the prayer with a quiet "Amen". She was shaking by now, her knees digging into the soft earth. Penny always loved and appreciated nature. Oh, how she missed her. She missed her so much that her chest ached for her, ached to hear her voice one last time. For real, not just when Tammy replayed Penny's voicemail over and over until she couldn't bare to hear Penny's voice anymore.
Silent tears started falling again, hitting the ground. Maybe a miracle would happen and Tammy's tears would grow new purple hyacinths next to Penny's grave. Tammy covered her mouth to muffle the sobs that came from her. She stared at the sky, now filled with stars. She wondered if Penny was in the stars, watching her from above. Tammy was a disgrace to everything she did for Penny. Because of Tammy's inaction, Penny was lost to the void of yet another missing person file. A girl who ran away from everything during the chaos of the accident, but Tammy knew the truth. Tammy knew the full truth.
She finally gathered up the courage to look at Penny's grave again. The grave that represented someone who Penny wasn't. The grave was cold and unforgiving. Penny was full of life. Penny was like the human embodiment of warmth. Talking to Penny was like sitting near the fireplace on a cold winter night. Penny was Tammy's candle that illuminated a dark forest.
Tammy was too weak to scream in anguish, throw herself to the ground, or various other dramatic displays of grief. She simply shook her head solemnly, her eyes glossy and guilt still flowing through her veins like she needed it to survive.
Penny was forgotten.
And Tammy was to blame.