Chapter Text
chapter i
- 10 things i hate about you
The silence in the house was deafening.
Ironic, as silence is but absence of any sound at all.
The mind, however, screams in that silence.
That is why being hollow was much more of a threat than being full of yourself. As the saying goes, empty cans make the most noise, yet even in this cold and dilapidated house he called home he couldn’t shake the feeling of being hollow.
It nicked his psyche at the right places, making his emotions bleed ever so often, but like he was taught, he tried holding the flowing river of sadness all to himself till he could no more.
At times, as insane as it sounds, he often missed the arguments that took place in this very house. It was like picking the best out of the very worst options at hand but in his mind, being alone with your own thoughts was way more dangerous than hearing two adults yell at each other till the sun set down.
After his parents’ divorce, he started living with his father. His mother would do the thing she vowed she would do after she got rid of his father and he would often have the opportunity to view it himself. With the excuse of studying he would see his mother teach millions of students like him the subject which he liked the most - Maths. While his father on the other hand would be out for tournaments, meaning the home would wrap itself in a coat of silence, something Sieun had come to hate over time.
“You can take care of yourself right?” He would say as he dipped his fingers in the gap between his feet and the shoes and pulled it upwards to fit the shoe properly. Slinging his bag over his shoulder he would briefly glance at the boy before assuring himself that he is capable enough to take care of himself and close the door behind him, leaving his little child in the cold embrace of silence.
Sieun would feel a sharp pain in his head, like he had been nicked again, before he felt a wave of nothingness rush over him. For the longest time, he would think it was just fate getting back at him, trying to give him a cruel punishment for being born and daring to exist, but as he grew up, he realised that wasn't the only reason.
-
“Sieun, in short, you have ticking time bombs in your brain, even if we try to interfere, it’s not going to make things better for you.” The doctor nestled his hands, leaning forward, typical of sharing heavy news. “At most, you have a month to live. If you are lucky, maybe two months.” A brief pause and then, “I am sorry.” He exhaled deeply, adjusting his glasses while keeping a somber face. It was clear he was trying to note how Sieun would react, so that he could plan how to console him next but Sieun hardly had any readable expression on his face. A notification dinged on his phone which he checked immediately before slinging his bag over his shoulder and bowing down to the doctor for the last time, whispering a ‘thank you’ before exiting the room.
I guess this is it.
It was all he could think of while heading to his university. His heart did feel heavy, like it would drop at any moment if he dared to let loose the grip on his chest. But in particular he wasn’t really sure on what he felt about all of this . He had thought of his abrupt ending multiple times, it felt strange hearing it as a fact from someone else. He pulled out his phone from his pocket once again, glancing at the notification he had gotten earlier.
Dad
I know you live alone now, but I wanted to visit you. I am done with my tournaments for now, tell me when you’ll be home.
His fingers hovered over the text, threatening to open at the slightest touch. He wasn’t ready to face him yet. Not after what had happened in the past. So he tucked his phone once again but not before feeling someone’s shoulder quite literally crash with his, the impact making the phone fly out of his hands and to the cold, hard ground. Instinctively he looked behind to see the person responsible only for a boy around his age turn back in embarrassment. He immediately rushed over, picking up Sieun’s now cracked phone, his hands shaking at that.
“I am so sorry, I didn’t mean to, it's all my fault.” He said, or that’s what Sieun figured out he meant to say with the way his words hardly made any sense. He spoke loudly and it almost felt like he was tripping over his own words. He held Sieun’s hand and placed the broken phone in them. “I don’t have money on me right now, but,” He roamed his hand around, trying to find something before fishing out a small business card and handing it over to Sieun. “My contact number is here. Please call me so that I can cover the cost.” And with that he dashed away. At first Sieun was confused but he then glanced over at the card. In bright and flashy font with questionable colour palette was the business name.
1000 won service - You say it, we do it!*
*Terms and Conditions Apply
And underneath it, at the bottom right corner was a bright red name sticking out.
Ahn Suho
+82 (xxx) xxx-xxxx
He tapped a few times, letting his fingers run along the edge of the smooth card before tucking it in his pocket. The name reverberated in his mind a few times, the ring of the name oddly satisfying. As he walked along the path though, he couldn’t help but feel his legs grow heavy. His eyes feeling burdened to close and soon his body giving up on him as he fell down with a thud. He wasn’t sure what had happened in the meantime, but he was back at the hospital he had just left, though this time on one of their beds. He slowly opened his eyes, which surprisingly took him a considerable amount of energy before getting struck with the harsh white lighting above him. In a reflex, he shut his eyes tightly, his eyebrows furrowing as he held his hand up to block the light. He tried once again, opening his eyes slowly but surely, and letting them get used to the light eventually. In his blurred haze, he noticed the silhouette of a man sitting beside him, of whom he didn’t think much at the first go but as soon as his vision became clearer, he acknowledged him once again.
“Ahn Suho, right?”
“H-How do you know my name?” The man held his hands in a fighting stance, ready to swing some jabs, if needed.
“You gave me your card,” Sieun struggled as he tried sitting back up, to which the man quickly provided support. “dumbass.” He muttered.
“Excuse me, what did you just call me?”
“Dumbass.” Sieun said, this time clearer. “D-U-M-B-A”
He felt a hand cover his mouth in a haste before he could complete any further. “I know the spelling of dumbass, quiet please.” He whispered. “All this shit for saving your life.” He spoke rather annoyedly.
You didn’t have to save me, I was going to die anyway.
Sieun thought to himself, but before he could think any further, his thought train was interrupted by the boisterous voice of Suho ringing, “I lost a regular client because of you, you know.”
“How is that my fault?”
“As soon as you fainted, people around you started screaming for help, I thought someone might need help so I dashed to the site only to see you completely knocked out. Initially, I thought of calling 119 but your phone was broken and you already looked so pale I basically had no other option, so I picked you up and made you sit on the back on my bike while wrapping your arms around my torso so you wouldn’t fall and I basically carried you all the way here.” He finished his rant in one breath. He huffed, as if he had completed a marathon, but truly the only marathon he had completed was a yappathron.
“Are you done now?” Sieun answered with dead eyes. He was too tired to talk back, especially not with the blasting headache he was experiencing but he couldn’t live without throwing at least one logical argument his way. “I simply don’t see how that equates to you losing your client or how that blame passes on to me. You could have very well minded your own business, Mr. Nosey.”
“W-Well,” He stuttered at the loss of words. He was trying to make a counter argument but the man in front of him was too good at it. “Well, I am a good samaritan, alright?” He answered, visibly flustered.
“I did not ask you to be one, you did that on your own free will.”
That seemed to silence the yap monster. He cleared his throat in embarrassment before reaching out to drink some water from his bottle. This gave Sieun enough time to study his face. It was an old habit of Sieun, he would often read people, nothing too personal, it wasn’t like he wanted to be friends with them, it was a good enough pastime. Guessing about people and their personality from their faces is a lot more fun than what most people think.
Looking at him, he didn’t look like he had ulterior motives. He did look a bit dumb though. His sharp eyes were intimidating enough but the moment they creased, they looked like half moons, making him look ideal and happy to go all the time. The mole near his eye was carefully placed under his right eye, like an artist's signature and his smile was nice enough to be tolerable.
He would’ve explored further if his headache didn’t worsen with time. He asked for a doctor and closed his eyes quietly, waiting for him to arrive and when he felt a tap on his shoulder, he knew it was his cue. He opened his eyes to see his doctor standing in front of him with a drastic expression change. He was smiling, unlike a few moments ago when his eyebrows furrowed with worry.
“Are you his friend?” He asked someone. Sieun tilted his head to see Suho still sitting at the corner of his bed. He simply nodded, as if they hadn’t just met a few minutes ago.
Seriously, what is this bastard's problem?
“You didn’t tell me you had a friend huh.” He smiled merrily. “If you could do me a favour, I need to talk to Sieun alone for a minute. You can check for the billing till then, our nurse will guide you the way.” The doctor showed him to the nurse and Suho snapped his head and looked at Sieun with pleading eyes. How was he supposed to know a stranger's name and details? What was he even supposed to do? Sieun shrugged rather smug-ly as the nurse dragged Suho away.
“He is not your friend, is he?”
“What if he is?”
“Come on Sieun, you don’t lie to your doctor, you know?”
“And what happened for you to be this happy?”
That seemed to wipe the smile off his face really quickly. As the doctor adjusted his stance, he paused briefly, thinking of a million different ways to deliver the news he was about to give.
“Sieun-ah..” This time he had a heaviness to his tone, “Your condition, it's affecting you drastically. Fainting is just the beginning. I am worried for you. Sieun-ah, are you taking any stress?”
Stress is a light way to put it. It's fear. He had successfully detached himself from everyone, like he had wished, though a part of him still wanted to feel the warmth of happiness. He feared though, that caring too much about someone is only going to bring bad luck to them. It has been like that since he was born, like he was cursed. As a child, he cared about his parents, and then they divorced.The more he cared about someone, the more distant they became from him, and that fear kept him up at night. So he stopped caring all together. His relationship with his father wasn’t ideal, it was almost transactional. For the moments that his father was out, his father would compensate with gifts. Yet somewhere in his heart, as much as he was grateful for them, a part of him wished for something more.
“Sieun, are you here?” The doctor waved his hands in front of his face to snap Sieun out of his thoughts. His eyes wandered for a bit and then noticed the doctor standing in front of him.
“I think Sieun, you need a break.” He rested his hand on Sieun’s shoulder which Sieun instinctively shrugged off, the doctor taking the sign and keeping his hand back to himself. “You know it might sound very asshole-ish of me, but live your life to the fullest while you have the chance. Go out and meet new people, go on a vacation. As a doctor this is the worst advice I could give, but as your uncle, this is your best bet.” He sighed once again. “Also, I know you asked me to keep this a secret, all these hospital visits but you know you have to tell your father ultimately. I really hope you understand what I am trying to say here.”
“I’ll see about it.” He muttered, trying not to gulp his words down. He gritted his teeth. It was not that easy. It was never easy talking to his father.
“SO! UHM. UH, FRIEND?” A strident voice pierced through his ears. Sieun shut his eyes once again, this time annoyed. Clicking his tongue, he glanced over at the source, who was bending over sideways, trying to get a glimpse of Sieun. The same old happy to go lucky face greeting him again. It was getting annoying but Sieun figured out this was the best way to get out of his current situation. “Suho-yah, come in.” He called out. He looked at his doctor to which he got a quick “Don’t give me those doe eyes and remember what I told you” before leaving.
Suho on the other hand sneaked back in and slid back into his seat. “WHAT IS EVEN YOUR NAME?” He whispered but he looked like he wanted to yell that part.
“And why should I tell you that?”
“Because you know my name? And also because I am trying to get your bill.”
“I can do it myself. You can leave now. Thank you for everything.” There was practically no emotion behind those words but that did not seem to stop the man in front of him.
“I broke your phone today, this is the least I could do for you.” He answered regretfully.
“Consider yourself forgiven and continue with your work.” He waved his hand in the air, signalling him to go before carefully getting up from his bed. Ripping the IV drip from his hands he jerked them, trying to get rid of the sting. “I don’t want to interfere with your work and make you lose,” Sieun held hand quotations in the air to emphasise, “important and regular clients.”
Suho feeling a bit flustered once again, tried stopping Sieun but he was unsuccessful so instead he walked along with Sieun to the billing counter in the hopes that he can catch a small chance to talk again. Sieun was great at ignoring his continuous attempts but it became overwhelming when the man started to look over Sieun’s shoulder to catch a glimpse of him writing his name.
Sieun slammed down the pen and turned around to face him. “What is even your problem, sir?”
“You wouldn’t listen to me.” Suho whined. “Listen, let me treat you to dinner at least.”
“I think I have heard enough of you.” Sieun rubbed his temple, partly in annoyance and mostly due to his sharp headache that kept pounding against his forehead.
“All I am saying is that,” Suho sighed, as if he was already exhausted by the mere thought of explaining himself but he continued anyway. “I feel awful for just letting this go. I mean, I didn’t even pay you for the broken phone and I-“
“You brought me here, I think that’s more than enough.” Sieun cut in. “Dont bother about the phone, I don’t use it much anyways.”
“You don't use your phone?!” His booming voice was as loud as a 100 loudspeakers combined. Enough to draw the crowd’s attention to them. Sieun could feel their confused and peering eyes look at them and he almost shrunk his body in response. Heat crept up in his cheeks as they flushed pink in embarrassment. If he could just throw a chair at this man, it would be perfect, he thought to himself.
But since he did not want to spend the remaining months of his life smelling the rotten air of jail and ruin his very beautiful streak of not getting caught trying to murder someone, he let him off with a big slap on the shoulders. The latter winced in pain, rubbing the area softly to get rid of the sting while simultaneously accepting the slap. His head hung low in embarrassment and he didn’t even try to fight back. That gave Sieun enough time to fill out the necessary details and make the due payment.
“Can I at least know your name?” Suho pleaded.
Sieun prepared to leave the hospital completely ignoring the question. He turned back to see Suho still silent but intently looking at him. Sieun contemplated for a bit, a million thoughts running in his head before finally speaking out,
“My name is Sieun, Yeon Sieun. Do what you want with that.”
He snuck his hand in the pocket of his trousers before turning back again and walking out, promptly missing a growing smile on Suho’s face.
-
He realised going to university would probably do him more harm than good. He was already too late and his headache still had him slightly delirious and that meant he wouldn’t be able to focus during lectures. As much as he hated skipping university, he had no other options. He headed back to his flat, only to realise the elevator was broken.
Just when this day couldn’t get any worse, it gets worse.
He unfortunately did not possess the athletic ability to climb 7 floors upstairs. Sucking up a breath he tried soothing himself. Climbing won’t be too hard, right?
Right?
Huffing like he had his life sucked out of him, he lazily reached for the door, only to feel a stronger pair of hands land over his. He almost snapped his neck while turning to look who it was, only for him to drop his bag in surprise.
“Dad.”
“Sieun.”
An uncomfortable tension lingered in the air. Apart from texting from time to time, he didn’t really talk to his father much after the fight. He should’ve known he would show up at his door.
“You didn’t answer my messages.”
“Usually, when someone doesn’t answer, it's mostly because they are busy.”
And also because they don’t want to talk to them.
Sieun’s father sighed softly, his hand holding a bunch of boxes wrapped in pink silk. His head hung low before he looked around for a bit, hoping that it somehow makes their current situation better. When he found the right words to speak, he broke the silence once again.
“You didn’t even answer my calls. If someone is calling you more than two times, it's probably because they need your help.”
Sieun did not answer right away, he let the moment simmer before answering, “And when I asked for help, you were nowhere to be found.”
Sieun’s father did not answer back, prompting Sieun to continue, “I called you so many times, I think I lost track at this point. You never answered a single one of them. You didn’t even call back until YOU had something to say. It’s so ironic now, you, saying this to ME out of all people. Did you ever think what went through my mind? Honestly it's so crazy seeing you trying to insert yourself into my life when I finally get to live on my own. I really wish you’d stop with this performative kindness,” He spoke, pointing to the boxes, “and leave me alone.”
He punched in the code to his house, keeping one hand covered around the keypad so his father doesn’t see it and the door unlocked with a ring. He turned the knob down and slightly opened the door before pausing in his tracks. He faced his father again, this time confidently, “I don’t have to explain everything to you. I am an adult now.”
With that he slammed the door shut, his back still leaning to the door as his knees gave out. He slid down, crouching his legs to himself, cradling them close. His clothes tugged at him a bit as they slipped down a beat later.
Take deep breaths when you feel extremely anxious.
Sieun inhaled for a few seconds, trying to calm himself down, a single drop of tear rushing down his cheeks. His hands immediately wiped the streak away, pretending that never happened. But it was too late, his emotions were bubbling up in his chest as his lips quivered. The river of sadness that he had held onto for so long was at its maxima. He struggled to hold it down, and one by one through the slips and cracks, his emotions spilled. A reverberating feeling in his chest, thumping so loudly, and his hands unable to stay steady as everything started crumbling around him. He was breathing heavily, his mind barely making any sense of his surroundings. Like a realisation, it struck him.
He was going to die in a month.