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I woke up to cold hands under my shirt, touching my stomach. "Ryan, oh my god, you're hands are so cold!" I screech, waking up pretty fast.
He laughs and says, "That's the point, I'm trying to warm them up."
I shake my head and pull him close, with his hands still under my shirt. "How the hell did you get them that cold anyways?"
He shrugged and replied, "I just woke up and they were really cold. You weren't though, so I connected two and two."
"Are you cold anywhere else?" I ask, smiling at him.
"Oh, just everywhere!" He sighs, "I really wish someone could help me out with that."
I pull him flat against my chest then, and fling one of my legs over his. He smiles and takes one hand out of my shirt to curl around my waist. "Is that any better?" I ask.
The top of his head is by my shoulder, and all I can see is his hair as he nods. "You're very warm, like my own heater."
"And I'm free. Man, you really got a good deal out of this whole thing," I joke. We stay like that for awhile, Ryan curled up against me, just talking about little meaningless things. It was so nice, and so relationship like that I couldn't believe my luck. Ryan really had changed everything for me.
On that subject, I really needed to plan out the rest of the details for when I moved in with him, and now would probably be a good time to do it, even though I wasn't quite ready to end this nice moment.
"So, when I move in," I say, and my heart speeds up at the mere thought of moving in with my freaking boyfriend, who, in my honest opinion, is as hot as hell and the most perfect person ever (so I'm a little bit biased, sue me). "Do you want me to pay you a part of the rent, or electric, groceries, whatever? Because I will, no problem."
Ryan pulled his head off my chest then, and looked me in the eyes. "Bren, do you really think I'd make you pay anything?"
What? "Um, of course? Why wouldn't I?" I ask, confused. It was the least I owed him, really.
"Maybe because you're my boyfriend? Why do you think I'd make you pay for stuff?" He says like it's the most obvious thing in the world.
I sit up, then, and say, "Just because I'm dating you doesn't mean I shouldn't help you out with money and stuff. It's a perfectly normal arrangement!"
He sits up too, knocking a blanket off of his bed. "Brendon, I will not make you pay anything. I think you need your own money more than I do. I can cover the cost of everything myself."
I could feel my face heating up with anger and embarrassment. "Oh, I see what this is about! Just because I'm homeless, you're pitying me! I don't need you pity, I can get along on my own!"
He runs a hand threw his sleep messy hair. "I never said you couldn't. I'm not doing this out of pity either. I'm just saying that I don't want your money, it'd go to much better use if you kept it and saved it."
"That sounds an awful lot like pity to me!"
"I'm not trying to make this into a big deal, but Brendon, come one, be realistic here!"
I get off the bed, and grab my shoes from where I had kicked them off the night before. "I am being realistic, and I should be able to pay something, if I'm going to be bumming off of you!"
"No, I'm not going to take money from you, because you fucking need it!"
That was the last straw for me. "Maybe I just won't live with you then." I said as I walked out the door.
"Fine, then, be an ass about it!" Ryan yells after me.
The whole situation made me really mad. I had a job, Ryan knew that, he was the one who had given me the job, and giving him a little bit to cover something wasn't unreasonable at all. I just wanted to feel like a normal person, after all this time. But no, he had to go taking pity on me, like I couldn't do anything for myself. I wasn't going to take it, I'd show him that I could be a normal person.
It took me a couple hours, and a bitching from Pete, but that was just a mess, so I'm going to ignore that part, to realize what a big mistake I had made. I got angry way to fast and I let my pride get in the way.
"Oh shit," I said to Pete as we're sitting at a table in the shelter. "I really fucked up, didn't I?"
He nods and says, "Yeah, you're pretty much a giant asshole. Especially after the date last night, which I thought went really well."
I lay my head down on the table, frustrated. "I didn't even think while it was happening, I was just freaking out. But still, don't you think I should help out?"
"No! Dude, first of all, your money comes from him in the first place, and he's just being nice!"
I groan and keep my head on the table. "I really fucked this up. Hopefully he forgives me."
Pete pats my back and says, "If he doesn't at first you're just going to have to keep trying, and try harder each time. I speak from experience, I mess things up with Patrick once a week. Like, last week actually," Pete continues on with a long story about how he almost threw away Patrick's favorite hat, (which really, how did he do that) and he had to make him a wonderful dinner, naked (this is where I stopped him, because I really wasn't prepared to hear the rest of the story, too much for me to handle).
"But do you think I can eventually make it up to Ryan?" I ask him, before he could tell any more stories about his and Patrick's relationship.
"Definitely, man. You didn't mess up too bad, and it's the first time. Should be a total piece of cake."
That made me feel better, but I still felt so bad for freaking out like I had. I had turned a small issue into a big deal. I'd need to work on that in the future, if I wanted to have this relationship last, which I definitely did. I really liked Ryan, I wanted to spend a lot of time with him, hopefully, like, forever. Now I was turning into a cheesy romantic guy, but I could see a lot of potential in out relationship, as long as I was being a giant idiot.
I called Ryan after I had thought through a very nice apology, which I made sure was perfect. As the phone rung the first time, I got freaked out he wouldn't answer. Maybe he had gone over to Spencer's to complain about what an idiot I was, and how I had messed up our entire relationship. We hadn't even had sex yet, it was way to early for me to start messing up the relationship!
As the phone rang for a second time I got even more freaked out. What if he did answer, but he had already moved on from our relationship and accepted that it wouldn't work. What would I do, then? Curl into a ball and die? Because that is totally what I would feel like doing if things turned out that way.
The ring sounded again, and I almost had a heart attack. What if he had another guy already and they were shacking up at this moment, and Ryan was laughing because I had thought we had really had something special, something-, "Hello?"
I was interrupted by Ryan answering the phone, which had caught me off guard, causing me to stumble on my words. "Ryan, uh hi wow just let me, wait no, that's not what I meant um, wow. Hi, Ryan, it's Brendon."
Normally he probably would've laughed at my failure of words, but tonight he just said, "Yes?" with little emotion. It hurt, a lot.
"Ryan, I'm so sorry for earlier, I was just being such a dumbass, please understand that I didn't mean it." I begged him, practically laying my heart and soul on the line. Okay, it wasn't that drastic, but it was a big deal for me, and it kind of felt like I had.
I could hear Ryan sigh, but he didn't say anything for a few seconds. I didn't even dare think about what would happen, I just sat there and waited for his response.
"Listen, Brendon, I appreciate you're apology, but I just have to think some things through. Without you. It might be awhile. Can you please just... not call, or come over, or anything like that.
I could feel my heart deflate at the words, completely dejected. I had lost everything good in my life, hadn't I? With just one mistake. Damn, wasn't this familiar.
I held myself together long enough to say, "Oh, no problem, well bye!" without sounding like a kicked puppy.
Why did I have to mess everything good I ever have up?
The next day or so was mostly a blur. I slept, I ate, I did everything I needed to, but for everything else, I was just numb. I wasn't quite sure how to feel. We weren't broken up, but we certainly weren't together. I had also lost all hope in my immediate future. It would be the same, I would continue to be a homeless waste. Mostly I was drowning in self pity, but I didn't care enough to stop.
Monday came around too fast though, which meant work. I wasn't sure if I was even still welcome at work, but since it was my job I figured I should be okay, and if Ryan didn't want me there, I could always go lay back down in my bunk at the shelter for another week, no problem.
As I walked in, Ryan was no where to be found, probably in his office, but Spencer and Jon were front and center, more than likely waiting for me.
Before I could get bitched out by Spencer, I said, "Look guys, I know I messed up and I really am truly sorry, do you hate me?"
Jon got up from where he was sitting on the counter and put his arm around me, while Spencer stayed in his place behind the counter.
"Aw, little Bden, we're not mad. Ryan's being pissy enough for all of his, even Spencer, which let me tell you is not an easy task." The last part was whispered, presumably so that Spencer wouldn't hear, but he did anyways.
"Fuck you, Jon," Spencer said as he went off, probably to talk to Ryan. He wasn't actually mad though, he was just being normal Spencer.
"So I'm guessing you guys know all about it?" I ask Jon as we sit down at a table, Jon across from me.
"We probably know more about it than you do at this point. As you know, Ryan and Spencer are attached at the hip, and they can practically read each other's minds. But I wouldn't be too worried if I were you. Ryan will forgive you, it might just take some time and space."
"Yeah," I say gloomily, before starting my work for the day, going on a hunt for m nametag. Usually Ryan has it, but since he's not talking to me, I have to search for it on my own. It really sucks not having Ryan to make fun of me for constantly losing my nametag, then having to wrestle it from him, which would probably end up with us making out in a supply closet. It hurt to think about, so I just put it out of my mind for the remainder of the day.
Even thinking about anything other than Ryan for the entire day, the day went really bad. I kept forgetting which table ordered what, and I was an overall shitty waiter. Ryan will probably just fire me and be done with me, after all that happened. He never even left his office, which just helped to show how mad he was at me. Spencer treated me with a fine look of bitchiness for the entire day, and when I tried to joke with him like normal, he barely acknowledged I said anything.
I needed to fix this situation, as soon as I possibly could.
I knocked on Ryan's office door the next day after work. Ryan, probably not knowing who I was, called out, "Come in!"
I opened the door and walked into his office. I hadn't been here too often, I never really had a reason to. It occurs to me that it would probably be a great place for a make out session, but we had never utilized it before, since if we ever made out at work, we usually wound up in a closet or the kitchen (we had made that mistake too many times,, and after every time we got a huge lecture from Spencer about how he didn't want to see that in his place of work, which was totally hypocritical after all the times we found him and Jon doing much worse things, all of the freaking restaurant). Now was not the time to think about how good of a kisser Ryan was though, so I moved on.
Ryan's face instantly fell as he saw me walk in. It hurt, but I can't say I didn't see it coming. Before he could tell me to get lost, I said, "I know you kind of hate me right now, but please look past that, because I've got some thongs to say and you're going to just have to listen to me."
I pause to take a breath, but I don't give him the chance to say anything yet. "You're kind of, sort of amazing, and it turns out that it's really hard for me to be without you anymore, because the past couple days have been awful. I know I completely went out of line that morning, yeah, it was just my pride, you know? I didn't want to have to rely on you for everything without having anything to give you in return, because that's really no fair to you. I just want to tell you that right now, that kind of stuff doesn't even matter as much as just being with you, you know? Wait! I'm not done!"
I say the last part as Ryan starts to stand up. He's wearing a button up shirt with a vest over it, and he just looks so good I lose track of my thoughts momentarily. His hair was in little waves falling into his face and he was just so beautiful. I was totally a teenage girl freaking out about her crush, that's was I was, and I would be the first to admit it. It felt so right, though, that I really couldn't bring myself to be embarrassed.
"Will you please forgive me?" I murmur. "Because I will literally buy you a chocolate milkshake. Really, I completely mean it, we can leave right now, and we can go get it, as long as you start talking to me again."
Ryan just stares at me for awhile, expressionless. I'm afraid he might deny my offer, and then I'd be completely lost.
Instead of freaking out on me, like I though he might do, Ryan smiles and says, "For your sake, Urie, this better be the best damn milkshake I've ever had."
I smile wide, echoing his and reply, "Oh, it will, because you'll be having it with me."
On the way to the restaurant we're getting milkshakes from, we discuss the whole home problem, which was what our fight was over in the first place. I keep my head on, and by the time we get there, we've got everything worked out, and both of us are happy.
"Here you go, sir," I say as I open the door for Ryan. He walks in and I order two large chocolate milkshakes.
I sit down at a table, and Ryan sits down across from me. "I'm sorry for ignoring you the past couple of days," he says, taking a sip from his milkshake. "I think we both kind of messed up."
"Don't worry, I deserved it. I probably should've waited to bother you, but you're addictive, I swear."
He smiles brightly. "You're just sucking up to me."
"I am not!" I protest. "I kept making jokes and Spencer just doesn't laugh. I kept imagining you were there, and I knew you would laugh if you were. It's just not the same without you man."
Ryan laughs, "Oh, shit, so I bet Spencer was such a jerk to you this week, wasn’t he? I'm sorry, I know he's like, super protective of me, and, man."
Spencer was actually kind of rude. He certainly didn't help with the situation any. Sometimes I'd walk by him in the kitchen and he'd just be sitting there glaring at me, as if he wanted my head on a plate. "It's okay. Jon was extra nice to me, I think he was trying to make up for Spencer."
"Probably," Ryan agrees. "They're just like the perfect couple. They made all my past relationships look like shit compared to their. Oh! Not that I think this is going bad or anything! It was great until the fight, really!"
I laugh, and brush it off. "Didn't think you were. So, that milkshake, it's the best you've ever had right?"
He nods, and my heart just gives up. Things are looking pretty good.
"What was your childhood like?" I ask pretty randomly. We had known each other for a month or more, and while I knew him, I didn't know much about his past. Not that I though he had some strong criminal background or anything, but he knew my life story, it'd be nice to know his.
"It's always just been my Dad and I," he started out. "He raised me, and he was probably a normal parent. He was a little bit strict, but yeah, pretty much normal. A problem was we didn't always get along very well, we'd have fights all the time. I spent a lot of time at Spencer's, his mom loved me, and we had been friends since, I don't know, forever. In high school, Spencer met Jon, and they became the super couple, and we were each others' best friends. Other than them, high school was just terrible. Not only did I almost look like a girl, which got me picked on to begin with, but then I also had the whole gay thing. I didn't really feel like keeping it a secret, especially I went through all the trouble to come to terms with it. So high school was more or less normal. I wanted to own my own business after high school, and since Spencer and Jon didn't know what they wanted, they decided to help me out. We spent the last couple years working on it, and now we've got the restaurant. That's about it as far as my life goes."
I pay close attention to his entire story, wanting to soak up all the knowledge of Ryan's past, just wanting to know all about Ryan. I didn't know hardly enough.
Just as I'm about to comment on his story, someone strangles me from behind. Okay, maybe it wasn't strangling, the person probably considered it a hug, but it scared the shit out of me.
"Brendon! I see you're here with your boyfriend, oh I'm so glad everything's worked out between you two," Pete said, right by my ear. I should've known it was him.
"Hi Pete," I said, amused. "Shouldn't you be working or something?"
"Nope," he called out as he slid into the seat next to me. "Today it 'Trick's and my date day. Oh, yeah, where is he anyways?"
We look around to see that Patrick is getting Pete and his food, since Pete had apparently came straight over here.
As Patrick sat down beside Ryan, passing Pete his food and saying hello, Ryan remarks, "You're not how I really imagined a cop being."
Patrick laughs the hardest of us all, but Pete himself isn't far behind. "I didn't either," Patrick said between gasping breaths.
After we had calmed down a little, I told Pete, "You're lucky Ryan and I had made u, because if we hadn't and you had said that, that would cause one hell of an awkward situation."
He shrugged. "I guessed well enough."
It was really fun to watch the flow between Pete and Patrick. If you had known both of them separately, you probably would never think they'd be a good couple. But when you get them together and in full action, you can tell they're kind of meant to be.
We spend the next half an hour with Pete and Patrick, most of it filled with Pete and I telling various. I actually have some good homless ones.
"Okay, one time, " I started, "right after I started working for you, Ryan, I stayed around after work too late, so I couldn't get into the shelter that night, so I had to sleep on the streets. And while I may be homeless, the streets still scare the shit out of me. I ended up sleeping on the beach with these guys I kind of knew, I got really lucky."
Across from me, Ryan gasps, "Oh, so they don't let you into the shelter past a certain time? That makes so much sense now! That night we went to the bar, you kept going on about how you couldn't go back, so you were going to sleep in a trashcan!"
This causes Pete to laugh his ass off. "Dude, a trashcan? How drunk were you?"
"Pretty drunk," Ryan informs him. He probably doesn't even remember it.
He's right, I don't. "I have no recollection of that ever happening. Are you sure you aren't lying?" I ask, fighting back a smile.
"Me? LIE? Who do you think I am, Brendon? I'm greatly offended." Ryan says, playing along with me.
He's great, I'm definitely keeping him around, for like, ever.
We all leave soon, and as we're walking out the door, I give Pete a hug. "I'm going to be moving into Ryan's this week, I'll miss seeing your dumbass everyday." I tell him.
Pete pulls back and says, "You're not going to get rid of me that easily. You guys better watch out, or Patrick and I might just move ourselves in with you."
Patrick chuckled and pulled Pete away. "See you guys soon," he waved goodbye.
"What should we do now?" I'm pretty sure we're on good terms again, but I'm cautious, I'm not ready to mess this up again.
Ryan, in a move I wouldn't have seen coming in a hundred years, walked right into my personal space and said, "I think we should go back to my place." His voice was dark and the suggestion in it was clear as day. Well then.
My eyes widen at that, because, alright, I haven't gotten over my horny teenager stage yet. "Are you sure about this?" I ask, not wanting to rush things.
"Only if you are," He says, and of course I'm okay with it, I might be a virgin, but it doesn't mean I didn't want to have sex. If I had to tell the truth, the reason why I was still a virgin was partly because no one has been willing to have sex with me, at least no one from the correct gender, and partly because I was waiting for the right person, as cheesy as it was. I was pretty sure Ryan was the right person, and most of all, I was fucking ready.
"Let's go, then," I say, motioning in the direction we need to go. I grab his hand while we're walking, and hold it the rest of the way.
As soon as we get into his apartment, Ryan crowds me against the door and starts kissing me intensely. This was already different from any time before, this time we had a destination. Ryan took my bottom lip between his and nipped it, before sliding his tongue into my mouth. After awhile, I decide I can't let Ryan take complete control, so I lead him back to his room, and push him down on his bed, crawling over top of him, my knees landing on either side of his hips.
My hands slide down his chest to his side as we start kissing again. He makes a sound of encouragement and grabs onto my hair. I start pulling off his shirt, but in order to get it completely off, we need to break apart, which neither of us is too willing to do.
Ryan pulls for my shirt as soon as his is off, and I have a moment of worry that maybe I'll fuck this whole thing up, because I've never been in this situation before. Ryan must sense my worry because he rolls us over so he's on top and says, "Don't worry, just follow my lead, do what feels natural."
I nod and he pick up on taking our clothes off. Soon enough, we're both naked, and I'm as hard as hell, and actually, so is Ryan, I can feel him. Just that knowledge that his dick is right there next to mine blows my mind, and I'm completely ready for this. Actually, I'm passed ready, why isn't anything happening.
"Are you okay with bottoming?" Ryan asks in between pressing kisses all over my chest.
"I'm very okay with that," I say. "Just, um, will it hurt very much?"
He crawls back up to my face and smiles. 'I'll do my best to make it good for you."
Suddenly, he's gone and I'm left cold and exposed on his bed.
When he returns, he tosses a condom wrapper down beside my head and pops open a cap to what I'm guessing is lube. Then he's back to kissing me, but at the same time I feel a cold slippery finger around my hole. "You ready?" He asks.
I nod and the finger slips inside me. It doesn't actually feel bad at all, I was surprised. Soon enough he slips a second finger in, and that's when I feel a stretch. It's not terribly bad, though, so I continue kissing him. The third finger stings a bit, and he spends a lot of time with that.
Out of no where, a wave of pure goodness pulses through me. "Oh fuck, Ryan, do that again."
He smiles and does it again, and I have to resist the urge to come already. How embarrassing would that be?
I'm on the verge of falling apart at the seems when he pulls his fingers out. "I think you're good now."
"No, I'm not, I need something inside me right this second," I command as I hear the condom wrapper being pulled open.
After it's on and he puts some lube on it, he kisses me again. "Needy, aren't you?"
The words do nothing to help the current situation and I let out a moan. As I'm about to tell him to hurry the fuck up, I feel his tip at my entrance. "Just relax, it'll help," he says as he slowly inches inside.
It turns out having a cock inside you is a heck of a lot different than a few fingers, and it definitely hurts more.
"Aaaahck," I cry out, apparently no longer in control of my vocal cords.
Ryan stops moving and says, "Okay, I'm just going to go for it, it'll get better, I promise. Just give me a little time. He pulls back out and pushes in way faster than before. I'm afraid I might break for a little bit, before Ryan changes his angle and hits the spot again, and suddenly I'm enjoying it as much as he is. He starts to move his hand on my dick along with his rhythm, and I'm pretty sure I could die the and be completely pleased.
I come almost embarrassingly fast, but luckily for me, Ryan isn't far behind. Afterwards, I'm sweaty and my stomach is covered with my own come. Ryan pulls out and pulls the condom off, the offers me some random piece of clothing to wipe the come off. I do, and then pull him down to cuddle with me.
We're both breathing slightly heavy, and it's really perfect, to me at least.
"I'm pretty sure I love you," I whisper into Ryan's ear, almost immediately regretting it, because really, I don't want to scare him off.
"That's good, because I'm pretty sure I love you, too," he says, and I smile wide.
I fall asleep that night cuddled with my boyfriend, no longer a virgin. I'm technically still homeless, but that would be changed soon. Life was looking pretty good for me.
"But Spencer," I whine. "It's my money, you can't tell me how to spend it!"
Spencer looks at me in a way that shows he really doesn't care. "I can when you're about to buy something really dumb."
Jon walks up then and say, "What is Brendon trying to buy now?"
"A really cool jacket! I need it, Jon! Ryan! Ryyy! Please can I get it?" I beg as Ryan walks up to us.
"Sure, you need some warmer shirts anyways," Ryan says, no problem.
I stick my tongue out at Spencer and take my pink jacket and run to the cashier as fast as I could.
"You're a pushover," Spencer informs Ryan.
"Yeah, but really, think of how adorable he'll be in that? Besides, he'll be over the moon for the next week because of it."
"Pushover," Spencer repeats. Jon walks up behind him then and whispers things in Spencer's ear that makes him smile.
"See? We're all happy now!" I say as I rejoin them, already wearing my jacket. I looked damn good in it, if I do say so myself.
"Let’s just move on," Spencer says.
We pass a smoothie shop, and of course I need a smoothie, so of course we stop so we could get one.Ryan and I end up sharing a large one, and somehow I get it on my face, and Ryan has to lick it off.
"You guys are sickly cute sometimes, you know?" Spencer says from across the table.
"Oh shut up, I've dealt with you and Jon since high school, this is nothing." Ryan retorts. I just smile and kiss him, and we both taste like fruit.
"Is that Urie?" I hear from behind me. I instantly tense, not recognizing the voice, but recognizing the tone. They're from my old school.
I turn around to see two kids that used to give me crap all the time, and my stomach falls to the floor. They're still many sizes bigger than me.
"It is!" One of them, the bigger one says, and they move towards me. "So, didn't you drop out or something? Did it get too hard for you're little homo brain?"
This pissed me off, because not only was I smarter than they were, but the insult itself was also very dumb. Before I can say anything, though, Jon steps in front of me.
"I think you need to leave Brendon alone now, r you'll regret it," Jon says, sounding threatening. Truth be told, I didn't know he had it in him, I was impressed.
Even more amazing, the guys actually listened to him. I spent almost four years of high school being pushed around by those jerks, and it takes Jon two minutes to get rid of them?
"Oh, Jon Walker, where have you been all my life? Please stick around!" I say I I hug him tightly.
"I plan on it, buddy," he says as he ruffles my hair.
After we finish shopping, Ryan and I go home. Not his home, or mine, ours. I had finished moving anything I had left in that day with the help of Pete, Patrick, Spencer, and Jon. They are my friends.
So many things had changed for me over the past coupe of months, and none of them were bad. I got a job, a boyfriend, some of the first real friends of my life, and a home.
I wasn't homeless anymore, I never planned on sleeping in a shelter again. I had my own bed now. Okay, I didn't actually use MY bed, but that was only because I slept in Ryan's.
Everything wasn't completely perfect, it never was. I was still a high school drop out whose parents wanted nothing to do with, but I made my own family, and found my way in life without the diploma, so things were good.
I was proud that I was finally able to make my own way, maybe with the help of Ryan and some friends, but nonetheless, I had made it.
But really, I was just damn glad to no longer be homeless.