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The smell of coffee filled the air. The hardest part of his afternoon shift had passed and now Kazuya could relax and observe the few customers that where in the coffee shop. In one of the tables beside the window, a tall boy with brown hair was typing in his computer, so absorbed in his work that he didn’t pay any attention to his surroundings. Kazuya knew him; he was one of the regulars and he wasn’t surprised to seeing him so concentrated. Being a medical student must have been hard and Chris was one the best of his degree. In other table, there were two boys chatting away happily. Kazuya was used to this, too. He knew Kanemaru and Toujou were childhood friends and studied in the same university, even though Kanemaru was in an engineering degree and Toujou was majoring in Law. He had wondered more than once if they were just friends because they looked each other in the eye with such fondness as if they were the only people in the world.
Kazuya kept looking at the rest of the customers when, suddenly, the door bell interrupted him. A new customer went into, one he didn’t know. The boy looked a bit shorter and younger than himself and he had chestnut-colored hair. He was wearing jeans and a hoodie with the logo of the Tomiuri Giants but what truly caught his attention and he would remember in the solitude of his apartment were his eyes. They had a golden sparkle and a determinant look in them, a look that told him more about the person in front of him than any other thing. He thought it would be interesting if this kid became a regular.
“Good afternoon, welcome to Seidou, what would you like?” he said, with his usual greeting smile plastered on his face.
“Er, steamed milk with syrup to take away, please” said the boy, looking a bit dubious to the menu.
“Okay, tell me your name, please?"
“Sawamura Eijun.” This guy, Sawamura, gave him a brief glance before looking away sheepishly.
What an odd person, Kazuya thought. “Steamed milk with syrup to take away it is, Sawamura.” He handed over his drink and after Sawamura paid and left, Kazuya returned to observe the other costumers, quickly forgetting about the boy, but those golden eyes lingered on the back of his head until he fell asleep.
***
Two weeks had passed after that first encounter and that guy came every day, always ordering anything except coffee. Kazuya was curious because why would you go to a coffee shop if you weren’t to order one? It didn’t make any sense.
One day, Kazuya decided to ask him. “Hey, Sawamura, why didn’t you order coffee? Hold on, don't tell me. You didn't realize this is a coffee shop, right?” he said as a smirk flickered at the corner of his mouth. He felt an immense satisfaction when the cheeks of the boy turned red and he started stuttering.
“W-what are you saying? Of course I know this is a coffee shop! It’s just that I don’t like coffee!”
Kazuya felt how his smirk became more pronounced. So the boy had other reason to coming here. Could it be the boy has a crush with a regular? Or with one of his coworkers? His curiosity was aroused after that strange answer.
“Oh, if you don’t like coffee, why are you coming here then, Sawamura?” He asked with a singsong voice, which only increased the boy’s blushing. “Are you interested in one of our customers? Or maybe you are interested in a member of the staff. Tell me, Sawamura, which one is it?”
“Shut up and give me my order, you bastard! This is the last time I’m coming while you are working!” Sawamura's face was completely red and he avoided looking at Kazuya.
He burst into laughter. “Oh, that’s a pity because you are one of my favorite customers.” He winked after saying it and after taking his order, Sawamura stormed out of the shop. He kept laughing until Kuramochi told him to stop doing it or he would kick his ass. He started greeting another customer but the thought of Sawamura's blushing face was still on his mind and he hoped he wasn’t serious when he said that would be the last time of him coming while Kazuya was at work.
He wasn’t. He kept coming every day, most of the times in Kazuya’s shift, what gave him the opportunity to tease him, an activity he realized he found extremely amusing. He found himself waiting for the arrival of Sawamura, because that was one of the few things that could make his shift manageable but he didn’t want to think about the reason behind it. He kept looking at Sawamura as one of his regulars, even if, deep down, he knew that he was fond of that loud boy.
But one Friday evening just an hour before closing time, things changed. Kuramochi and him were the only ones in the coffee shop and Kazuya was thinking that Sawamura didn’t come that day when the bell rang and the door opened. When he noticed who it was, he felt a glimmer of happiness but that feeling quickly disappeared when he saw Sawamura's eyes. Those beautiful orbs, always glimmering with cheerfulness and tenacity, reflected sorrow and grief. His instant urge was to let his place behind the counter and try to comfort him but he forced himself to keep that impulse in bay. When he asked for his order, his voice was a quiet mumble, completely different to his usual loud one and he followed Sawamura with his eyes while the guy left the shop and went down into the street. Kazuya felt how something similar to concern burned his insides. What was that? Did something happen to Sawamura? It might have been something particularly serious because by now, Kazuya was quite familiar with the guy and knew that even if there is a problem he was one of those people who would move forward without dwelling on it. Maybe he just had a bad day. He will be better tomorrow, more like his usual annoying self, he thought in his way home.
However, Sawamura didn’t appear the next day, neither the following. He was more and more worried with each passing day, but he tried to hide it. His coworkers didn’t need to know Sawamura had become his favorite regular, nor that he missed his visits. He did a good job concealing it and no one notice anything, no one except for one person, the more troublesome one.
He was leaving the shop after a particular busy shift along with Kuramochi when he asked him the only question he didn’t want to hear. “Oi, Miyuki, you are worried about Sawamura, aren’t you?”
“What? No, why should I be?” That Kuramochi, he's too observant for his own good, he thought.
Kuramochi looked at him with an indecipherable look, as he didn’t believe what he said. “Okay, I’m going to do as I believe it. Anyway, he would come back in a week or so.”
“How do you know it? Did you guys meet before?”
“Yeah, we study at the same university and he’s Haruichi’s best friend” he said it as it were nothing, but he looked at Kazuya out the corner of his eye, expecting some kind of reaction.
“I see.” That information surprised him, because he didn’t expect that Sawamura and Kuramochi knew each other, but he hid it. They kept walking, not mentioning Sawamura again, until their paths diverged and each one headed for his train station.
That night, when he couldn’t sleep and was looking at the ceiling, different thoughts swirled on his mind. Kuramochi knew where Sawamura was, so maybe he also knew why he was so down that evening. It mean that they were familiar enough to speak or text each other. And Sawamura told him he wasn’t coming to the coffee shop for the coffee, even though he still refused to say his real reason. Could it be he had a crush on Kuramochi? Thinking about it, Kazuya realized Sawamura always came in his shift, but his was nearly always the same as Kuramochi’s, so it could be possible. He felt that thought provoked a pang of jealousy inside him but he choked it back because Sawamura was just another customer. He turned over onto his side and tried to sleep.
It took more than a week for Sawamura to show up again. He came into the same time as the last one, just an hour before the coffee shop’s closing time. He looked worse than then, though. He had dark circles under his eyes and they mirror anguish and despair. His hair was filthy and tangled and his clothes were mismatched as he had grabbed the first thing he had seen in the wardrobe and put them on. His appearance was so miserable that Kazuya did something he hadn’t ever done before: he treated him to a drink but only if he told him what happened and why he was so depressed. At first, Sawamura refused, saying he didn’t want to be a bother and Kazuya had things to do, but he explained they were about to close and no costumers came so late anyways. Kuramochi was nowhere to be seen and Kazuya thought he must have been in the storehouse, preparing everything for the next day. He made Sawamura’s favorite drink (steamed milk with syrup) and a black coffee for himself and they sat on the closer table. He drank his coffee in small sips as he waited for Sawamura, not pushing him because he felt that what happened was a delicate matter.
Minutes passed, Sawamura still silent and looking to his drink as he was trying to find a way to start when suddenly he burst into tears. Seeing this, Kazuya felt insecure, because he hated seeing people crying, he hated tears and he didn’t like comforting people, he always tried to avoid that, but seeing the boy in front of him so broken, so devastated, he felt something similar to pity, but not exactly the same, because the emotion he was sensing urge him to touch Sawamura, hug him, wipe the tears running slowly down his cheeks, tell him that he was there, that he was always going to be there. And he was about to do it when Sawamura spoke.
“My grandfather passed away” he whispered, so quietly that if Kazuya wasn’t expecting it, he would have missed it. “He had a heart attack and by the time the ambulance arrived they couldn’t do anything.” He stopped as burning tears kept falling from his eyes. “I had to stay in Nagano for the funeral, that’s why I didn’t come until today.”
Kazuya rubbed his neck. He knew what it was losing someone you love, and even though when it happened he was a small child, every time he remembered her, he still felt a burning pain in his chest. But he couldn’t tell that, it wouldn't help Sawamura in any way. “I’m sorry for your loss, Sawamura. And I’m not the best at comforting people, but I can give you my Line and you can speak with me whenever you feel down. I will answer you.” He took a pen and a paper from the counter and wrote his Line address down, offering it to Sawamura afterward.
The boy picked it and then he looked at Kazuya with watery eyes. He could see some emotion on them, but Kazuya couldn’t pinpoint exactly which one it was. “Who would have thought that you could be kind too.” A faint smile crossed his lips before disappearing again. “Thank you, Miyuki, you didn’t have to hear me and still, you did. I really appreciate it. Now I think I’m going. Harucchi must be worried.” He stood up, and before Kazuya could say anything in return, Sawamura was gone.
Kazuya remained sat, thinking on what Sawamura told him as a warm feeling spread out from his chest. He kept recalling his words until Kuramochi came and told him it was closing time.
After that evening, they started a routine. Whenever Sawamura was sad or upset, he texted Kazuya and soon, Kazuya learnt that Sawamura was from a small village in Nagano, his parents owned a farm and he was studying a teacher training in the Tokyo Gakugei University. He also found out that he was a pitcher in his university team along with Kuramochi and Ryou-san so when Kazuya told him that he was a catcher, he insisted that “one day you should catch my awesome pitches, Miyuki!”. He still visited the coffee shop and although he wasn’t in his finest moment yet, her eyes were no longer clouded with sorrow as they had been before.
But having a closer relationship was affecting Kazuya as well. His smile was more sincere than the one he had worn before knowing Sawamura, and his laugh was brighter as well. And people noticed it. Kuramochi told him it was kind of creepy to see him so friendly and even Chris stated that he didn’t know why he was so cheerful but it was good seeing him like that.
***
The sunlight reflected on the sunflowers and the field looked as it was made of gold. Eijun was in the middle of it and he was smelling one of the flowers with his eyes closed. Kazuya observed his shape from the distance and thought about all the things that he loved about him. How smooth and silky his hair was whenever he run his fingers on it; the warmth of his tanned skin beneath his hand; his smile, which could brighten even the most fateful day; these callous hands that could produce indescribable sensations in Kazuya’s body.
He started walking to get closer as his heart beat wildly yearning for Eijun’s touch. The boy lifted his head when he sensed someone approaching and his eyes alight with affection and love as soon as he saw Kazuya. He dropped the sunflower and he surrounded Kazuya’s neck with his arms, bringing his lips closer but without touching Kazuya’s. Kazuya felt his warm breath and not saying anything he bended over.
Their lips met midway and they glided over each other smoothly, as they did countless times before. Kazuya traced his tongue over Eijun’s bottom lip as he stroked his cheek gently and the guy parted them, inviting. Eijun’s mouth tasted like sweet mint and Kazuya moved closer, wanting to savor more of that sweetness, of his Eijun. Eijun tugged his hair, urging him to deepen the kiss. Kazuya’s heart was beaten painfully in his chest, wanting more. He touched Eijun’s chest, his abs, his waist, his back and his hands were going down…
When the alarm clock rang, startling him. Kazuya rolled over and he watched the ceiling. He thought about the dream, about his meaning. He was aware Sawamura had become a part of his life, that whenever the boy smiled at him he felt lighter, as if a weight was removed from his shoulders; that the corners of his mouth turned up in a slight smile when he read Sawamura’s text even if he tried to hide it, that he felt a sharp pain the evening Sawamura’s eyes clouded over with grief and he missed him during the time he was in Nagano. And in the moment those eyes came to his mind, Kazuya remembered how they look at him in the dream, the fondness and love, as if Kazuya was the most precious thing in the world, and he realized he wanted that, he desired seeing that same look in Sawamura’s eyes but not just in a dream. And as soon as that realization hit him, it struck a sudden fear into his heart.
***
After being aware of their feelings, a normal person would be pleased by this, but Kazuya was terrified. He didn’t want this, he have never wanted any of this because he knew loving someone as much as your own life and losing them later would destroy you. It was what happened to his father. He loved his mother with all his heart and when she passed away he took refuge on his work, completely neglecting Kazuya and even himself. After seeing it, after trying to help his father for nothing, he swore to himself he would never fall in love. But things don’t always go according to one’s plans.
Sawamura kept texting him and Kazuya decided to ignore him, expecting that Sawamura would eventually get tired of him and stop messaging him and coming to the coffee shop on his shift. But he was stubborn and he sent more messages to Kazuya instead, asking him if something had happened or if he was all right.
However, Kazuya refused to answer him and even when Sawamura was in the coffee shop, he treated him with contempt. Whenever he did it, though, the boy looked confused and hurt, and Kazuya hated it, hated himself for doing that to the other but he couldn’t let to become more attached to him. But the last straw, the moment when Sawamura finally blew up happened on a Friday evening.
The coffee shop was almost empty, just a few of the regular clients there when Sawamura got inside and approached Miyuki as soon as he saw him.
“Hey, Miyuki, will you still catch my pitches one day? Because I learnt a new one and I really want to show you.” He looked so hopeful, so eager to get Kazuya’s attention that Kazuya almost agreed, almost told him he wanted to catch for him too.
“I don’t think so, Sawamura. I have a lot of assignments to do and besides, I’m sure any of your team’s catcher can do it." He frowned because why was this boy like that? Why he was still speaking with him, coming to his job when Kazuya made clear he didn't want to see him. "Why are you always asking me when I have never agreed and never will?” The words left his mouth and as soon as he said them he realized he had gone too far.
The few customers on the coffee shop grew silent and hurt crossed Sawamura’s face but soon it was replaced with anger. “Okay, I’m done! What the hell is wrong with you? Why are you ignoring all my texts? What did I do to upset you? Why are treating me as if we aren’t friends.” His voice broke a bit when he said the last part, as if that possibility tormented him. “You were the one who told me to text you whenever I feel down, whenever I need help. I poured out my heart to you because I knew I could trust you, that I could count on you. But now I don’t really understand any of this, Miyuki.”
Kazuya wasn’t able to take it anymore. He needed to stop seeing him, his golden eyes, his sunny smile, his name said by that beautiful voice. “I never told you I was trustworthy and I have never ever considered you my friend, Sawamura,” and the moment he pronounced the words, he regretted it but Sawamura looked furious and wounded as he spun around and stormed out of the place. Nobody said anything until Nabe, his coworker, cleared his throat and people started speaking again.
After the incident, Kazuya tried to text Sawamura, saying he was sorry, that he didn't mean those words but now it was him the one ignoring Kazuya. He thought he would apologize the next day, but when the boy didn't appear on the coffee shop for four days, Kazuya started worrying. What if Sawamura didn't come anymore? What if he fucked up everything so badly he decided he didn't want to have nothing to do with Kazuya? What if he had lost Sawamura? The mere thought of losing him forever, not seeing those golden eyes and that warm smile, not hearing his voice ever again broke his heart. He noticed then that it was true he had never seen Sawamura as a friend; he had always been something more. And now he had lost him, maybe forever.
***
He felt hopeless. And he knew he didn’t look any better. He had dark circles under his eyes due to lack of sleep and his hair was messier than ever. His nerves were on edge and his coworkers had noticed it because they sent him concerned looks and Kuramochi tried to speak with him about it but Kazuya told him to leave it because he was fine.
But when a customer told him he had messed his order up and he replied with a scathing comment, Kuramochi grabbed him from his arm and took him to the break room.
“Okay, that’s it. What the hell are you doing, Miyuki? You can response to a customer like that,” he stated, looking at Miyuki with a disapproving glance. He released him and sit down on the couch, sighing. “It’s because of Sawamura, right?”
Kazuya looked away because just hearing his name made his stomach twist. “No, it’s not because of him, why would it be?” Liar, he thought, you know it’s because of him.
Kuramochi sent him a hard look. “Miyuki, I know what happened the other day with him, Nabe told me, and I don’t know why you are denying all this isn’t because of him.” He stood up and walked to the door, but before getting out, he stared at Kazuya one more time. “Anyways, I’ll help you because you both are such idiots,” he added and gave him a self-satisfied smirk, “but you’ll have to treat me to steak after this.”
***
Kazuya didn’t know what Kuramochi did, but three days later the door bell rang and Sawamura came into. He looked almost as bad the evening were he told Kazuya about his grandfather and he didn’t cast him a glance while he was waiting for his order but instead of taking it and going out, as usual, he sat on one of the tables. He sent a questioning look to Kuramochi and he explained Sawamura will wait for him.
When they were no more customers and Kuramochi was nowhere to be seen, Kazuya approached Sawamura, his heart beating wildly and his head filled with pleas. As he sat down in front of the other, he was about to start speaking but Sawamura anticipated.
“Do you still want to know why I came here, even though I don’t like coffee,” he whispered with a quiet voice, looking at his drink. “It was because of you. I saw a picture of Kuramochi-senpai and you and I asked him who you were. He told me you were one of his coworkers. I didn’t intend to come here or anything after seeing it but I decided to give it a try, just once.” A sad smile crossed his face. “But one time became two and then I came every day because even if your teasing was annoying I really liked coming here and seeing you. So when we started speaking more after—“ he paused, wiping away the unshed tears from his eyes. “I was blissful. I really wanted to know more about you because I... I liked you.” He frowned and screwed up his face in pain. “But then, all of a sudden, you ignored me. I didn’t know if it had been my fault, if I had said something inappropriate because I tend to do it, everybody warns me about that. And then you told me you didn’t consider me your friend and it hurt." He look up and met Kazuya's eyes. "It really did.”
Kazuya wanted to comfort him, hug him and tell him he was sorry, but he knew Sawamura needed an explanation of his behavior, because anything that happened wasn't his fault but Kazuya’s own cowardice. And also because he needed to ask him something important. “It wasn’t your fault. You didn’t do anything it was… it was me,” he said, rubbing the back of his neck. “I was afraid of my own feelings. I was afraid of being dependant, of someone knowing everything about me. I was a coward because you came into my life and—,” he hesitated, taking a deep breath to try to calm himself. “I wasn’t lying when I said you weren’t my friend.” When Sawamura heard that, he was about to say something but Kazuya raised a hand asking him to be quiet. “I wasn’t lying because you are more than a friend, you have always been, but I didn't want to realize. And I know I screwed everything up and I would understand if you say no but,” he paused and taking Sawamura's hands, he asked, “Sawamura Eijun, would you go out on a date with me?”
***
The smell of coffee filled the air. Kazuya was reclined on the sofa, drinking coffee and reading a recipe book, trying to decide what make for dinner when he heard the main door opening. A cheerful voice said “I’m home!” and Kazuya stood up to greet him. When he came into the living room, Kazuya smiled, one of those fond smiles only him could see as he approached. The other hugged him and as he leaned closer to kiss him, Kazuya thought that if someone ever told him a stubborn and passionate person like him would become such an important part of his life he would have laugh.