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to all the things we missed
as you lay beside me, as you snore, as you dream, i am left loss at words with how grateful i am to be resting next to you, how i can’t believe i’ve ever been able to fall asleep without all your body hugging mine.
i don’t know if it was luck, fate, or just us but i truly feel like the world is just our stage and we get to love each other, do what we love and nothing will ever go wrong.
i never want to take for granted these feelings.
but i can’t help but wonder about all the things we missed.
had i told you earlier we would’ve saved each other from heartache and longing, i know i would’ve saved myself from endless night wondering about what ifs that already were promises from the universe.
we were a fact even before we met each other,
and had we known earlier i wouldn’t be loving you like i’m running out of time.
and i’m not only wondering about the big things, like how i would’ve married you five years ago or like the deep feeling we hold into our hearts, but i’m wondering about the small marvelous little moments in our life we could’ve lived.
angela, my girl
i would’ve loved to be your +1 in every premier, watch you from the front row as the world became more and more enamored of you and your many talents.
i would’ve adored to catch the bouquet at courtney and shayne’s wedding and see your stupid face turn red, and maybe watch how spencer and shayne tease you.
i would’ve bought us a van for your 30th birthday, we would’ve made our favourite roadtrip way earlier.
i would’ve loved vidcon, to share not only a room but a bed with you, to keep my hand in the butt pocket of your jeans, to try an sneak a kiss in between meets and greets.
i would’ve loved to learn d&d earlier and play with you.
i would’ve loved to annoy chanse when you two were roommates.
i would’ve loved to have had more of your shower concerts.
i would’ve loved sharing with you the fan montages about us without being scared of you being weirded out (and you never were).
i would’ve loved to end the many dates we had as friends in your arms, kissing you.
i would’ve loved to kiss you under the rain that day we got stuck at smosh hq and you decided to run outside, in the parking and have a drew barrymore moment. i wanted to run after you and hold you and kiss you so bad.
i think kissing you more is what i would’ve done.
double dates with our friends, you meeting my mom earlier, me seeing yours more often, steeling your caps, seeing you with boxers (that was truly a discovery i wish i made sooner),
i would’ve married you five years ago,
i would’ve married you four years ago,
i would’ve married you three years ago,
i would’ve married you two years ago,
i would’ve married you the night i finally said:
i love you, i love you like that , like how you hope me to love you. i do.
i would’ve married you the moment you kissed me desperately after i told you that i love you.
to be honest i would’ve married you the moment you entered my life, with your devil costume and my baseball belly.
had i been brave i would’ve loved you so long ago, but now common sense finally reached us and i’m lucky to say that i have loved you forever but a year ago i made you aware.
we have a lifetime together ahead of us, but i would’ve love to have loved you longer,
no matter if we die at 100 years old, it will never be enough time to love you.
as spork comes back into the room, climbs in between us, as i turn off the light and my brain, i can’t help but be grateful to forever have you in my arms, on my chest.
my angela, i will never be able to make up for the lost time we could’ve had, and that might be the only regret, the only shame in my life.
but us, you and i, we were a fact before we even were alive, and we’ll still be when the time to lose each other comes.
i don’t think i’ll ever let you read this, but if you do, i will, i would, i did, i do.