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Dick was standing on top of a building.
Jason wouldn't even look at the scene twice, especially when it was night and Dick was on patrol, but. Something wasn't right. Dick was standing close to the edge, just- looking. He hadn't moved in a few minutes and Jason was getting annoyed, or concerned. He wasn't sure which emotion was stronger, because this wasn't what he was even supposed to be feeling. Or doing.
Sure, they'd made up. After everything that had went down and at least a thousand apologies from Dick, Jason had decided it was enough. They'd teamed up for three missions now and had had some casual hangouts catching up on lost time. They were fine, really, but not close enough for Jason to watch him stand on the edge of a skyscraper for ten minutes, unmoving. He wasn't really supposed to care.
Dick was probably just watching the city. He'd been gone for a long time, busy with some nasty business in Blüdhaven that Jason didn't want to get into. It would make sense that he'd just stay and watch for a while, Jason found himself doing the same on quiet nights. He should move, should let Dick do his own strange thing. It wasn't his business and he had shit to do. There was a guy he was supposed to meet up with in around thirty minutes, which is why he'd even come here. This wasn't part of his territory and definitely not the route he'd usually patrol.
He shook his head lightly and stood back up. Dick would be fine. It wasn't anything new that the other had very weird habits, maybe he was rethinking a plan or a mission. Dick liked to be high up to do those things, whether that be a tall building or the ceiling. The stillness to him was off-putting, but Jason didn't want to have anything to do with that right now. He had more important business to attend to. He turned around to leave.
And then Dick jumped.
The blur of a falling body made Jason's head snap back without his permission. It wasn't really a jump, he'd just- he'd just stepped over the edge and let himself fall. He was still falling. He should've already pulled out his grappling hook, should be at least looking for a safe place to land. Jason watched for a second longer as Dick was falling faster and faster, the earth closing in dangerously, before he moved.
Maybe his worry was unfounded, Dick had a talent for catching himself in the weirdest way possible but he had a feeling this was different. He wasn't too far away but he still had to hurry, Dick was falling and he wasn't- he didn't look like he'd stop. Why didn't he- why was Dick just falling? Panic and adrenaline rushed through him as he grappled from one building to the other. He landed wrong, his ankle twisting as he scrambled to get to the edge of the roof. He had to time this right, be faster. A second too late and he'd miss him.
Jason only hesitated briefly, reconsidering if it was really necessary, if he should really bother and what if he was wrong- but Dick was getting closer and he was still not even holding his grappling gun. They were already way too close to the ground, Jason had to do this now or he'd- Dick wouldn't have time to catch himself. There was no way. Jason counted down the seconds as he watched Dick plummet down, just a blur of black and blue.
Dick was falling and Jason was jumping. They collided forcefully, his breath punched right out of him as they barelled through the window Jason had been aiming for. He heard Dick groan and the glass shatter before they landed harshly on the floor. His back was screaming since it had absorbed most of the fall and the crash through the window and he couldn't really breathe because Dick was still on top of him.
He pushed the other away harshly, sitting up and wincing in pain. He should've let Dick absorb the fall, but that seemed a bit counterproductive. Dick stood up quickly before he seemed to relax, tension leaving him immediately. He looked- he looked so fucking calm. Jason was still trying to breathe, adrenaline shooting through his veins like he was running for his life. How the fuck could he be calm right now? He'd just tried to- he'd-
"Hood? Hey, what's wrong?", Dick asked, crouching down until they were almost eye to eye, with Jason sitting up. His hands were shaking. His whole body was shaking and Dick just- Dick was just there, right in front of him, completely fine. "Are you hurt? You really took the brunt of that fall." Jason couldn't answer. His throat was closed up and his eyes were burning and he didn't even know why.
Dick had just tried to kill himself. Dick was fine. Dick had almost died.
And now he-
What the fuck was going on? Jason didn't- he didn't understand. Dick wasn't supposed to be- he wasn't- Dick just wasn't. Jason knew the other was compartmentalising some emotions, they all had adopted that particular trait from Bruce, but he didn't think- hadn't thought it would be this much, this bad. Why hadn't he said anything? Did the others know? Oh god, he definitely had to tell Bruce, there was no way he could just ignore that. It would've-
"Hood, you need to breathe. I don't know- Why are you here?", Dick asked and his voice was so fucking calm and concerned it pissed Jason off. How many times had the other suffered and hid behind his stupid concerned eyes and soft smile? What the fuck was wrong with him? "Why are you?", he pressed out, eyes focusing on the white lenses in front of him.
Dick tilted his head. "I was on patrol. This is part of the route, you-" "No- no, you- you weren't- fuck-", Jason said and his voice was so shaky, air filling his lungs sporadically as he gasped again. He cursed himself. He had to get it together or else Dick would just throw himself into making him feel better, no matter the cost. He focused on his anger, that always worked. With a loud huff he pushed himself up, standing again just a second earlier before Dick followed.
His ankle hurt like hell. Just more reason to be angry, because if Dick hadn't been stupid he wouldn't have had to run. Who just decided to throw their own life away like that? Dick had no fucking right to decide this, not when Jason had been dead, had died and come back through some fucking miracle. He wouldn't let the other do this. Dick had so much to live for, Jason just wouldn't let him fuck it all up.
"What the fuck did you think you were doing?", Jason asked, anger obvious in his voice. It seemed to confuse Dick, the sudden change in tone, because he didn't answer right away. "Just letting yourself fall like that- were you trying to kill yourself?" Maybe, Jason was wrong. Maybe Dick had had a plan. He watched the other stare right back at him, his expression unreadable. Then a small smile appeared.
"Aww, Little Wing, were you worried about me? You know I wasn''t-", Dick said, cheeky as ever. Jason didn't even have the mind to prickle at the nickname because Dick had just deflected, hadn't answered the question. Jason didn't know shit. "Answer the question, dickhead." Jason walked a step closer, watching every twitch of muscle carefully. Dick was good at hiding things, he had to keep a very close eye on him if he wanted to see the true emotions behind the obvious walls he'd built up.
When had Dick become so guarded? Jason remembered him as hot headed, impulsive and angry. Of course he'd not been like that all the time, it was in Dick's nature to joke and jest, to care and worry but- when Jason had been younger, there'd been so much more. Now, after he'd returned and they'd gotten close again he still hadn't seen much more than the happy Dick Grayson or the focused Nightwing. It hadn't bothered him, because everyone around him seemed to take this for the truth. He'd just assumed Dick had matured, had outgrown the teenage rebellious phase he'd been in.
Maybe there was something more to it.
"Do you really think I'd kill myself as Nightwing?", Dick said, voice still light and cheerful, just maybe a little tense. As Nightwing. That was- that was almost an admission. Jason couldn't- he'd hoped that Dick would tell him he was wrong, that Dick had just decided to jump and feel the rush of adrenaline a little bit longer. To brush right past the dangerous edge of the ground. Maybe- maybe that wasn't the case. Maybe Dick really wanted to-
But, if he wasn't going to kill himself as Nightwing, what the hell was that then?
"So you're just jumping off of roofs for fun?" "It's kinda my thing. And yours and Red Robin's and Batman's-", Dick said, counting their names on his fingers. Jason stopped him, grabbing at his wrist roughly. "Stop with the bullshit. I saw you. I watched you just- stand there for ten fucking minutes and then you just- you just stepped forward and let yourself fall." Dick seemed to tense for a bit before his muscles relaxed again and that was enough for Jason to know he was right.
"I would've caught myself." "You wouldn't-" " I would have", Dick said, so sure and convincing that Jason had to reconsider if he was in the wrong here. Then he remembered what he'd seen and what had happened and he pushed Dick against the wall next to them, earning himself a quiet groan. "Jay-" " Don't. You don't get to jump off a building on a random Tuesday and then pretend like everything is fucking fine. You can't- you can't just throw your life away like this- not if- not when-"
Dick sighed and Jason's hands were trembling again. It was infuriating, why did this affect him so much? It wasn't his problem- Dick was- Dick could do whatever he wanted but- he couldn't, he wasn't supposed to feel like this. He tried to stop the shaking, clenching his hands as he glared at Dick, his chest rising against his arm in slow measured breaths. "You don't know", Dick said, his voice sounding like he'd just realised something. Jason pushed himself away by pushing Dick against the wall once more, scoffing.
"What? That you're suicidal and thought ending your life the same way your parents died would be a good thing?" He knew he sounded more bitter than angry but Dick didn't fall for the bait, he just reached out for him. Jason didn't step away as Dick got closer. "I'm not- I'm not suicidal. I'm not trying to kill myself and I'm sorry for scaring you", Dick said as he put a hand on his shoulder. Jason was trying too hard to see if Dick was telling the truth to be bothered by it.
Dick smiled tightly. "I thought you knew. I didn't know the others didn't tell you." That- Jason didn't know what to do with that. The others knew Dick was throwing himself off of buildings? Why hadn't they told him? Why didn't- wasn't he close enough to them to know? Didn't he- he deserved to know. This was about Dick. How could they-
"Let's sit back down." Dick was already directing him back to the floor when Jason refused, twisting out of the other's hold. "No, we're going somewhere else. Let's go." They were not talking about this when he couldn't even see Dick's face. He walked over to the broken window before he stopped, apprehension crawling beneath his skin. His stomach twisted into knots when he looked over at Dick, casually waiting for Jason to lead the way. He turned back around and walked towards the stairs.
Dick followed him silently, as light on his feet as ever. He didn't try to make conversation, which served Jason just right. He needed a bit of time to think. What was- What had he meant? What was he supposed to know? What were the others hiding? Was there something he'd missed? Dick didn't- this was the first time he'd seen it happen but what if this was a regular occurrence and nobody had thought Jason should know?
How many people knew about this? And why wasn't anyone fucking doing anything about it? As far as Jason knew Dick had been on patrol ever since he came back, no break from missions and no break from his day job. He'd quit being a cop, thank fuck, but he was still working. That couldn't be good. Jason had thought Dick could handle anything, back then and now, because he'd never seemed like he couldn't.
Maybe it was too much. Maybe the others didn't see it as badly as he did but- how could they not? This was Dick. They all fucking worshipped the bastard, why wouldn't they take care of him? It didn't make sense. Someone should look after him, maybe send him to therapy. God- he'd probably need therapy after this night. How the hell was he supposed to let Dick jump across buildings ever again without seeing him fall.
He could clearly see the end of it. Broken bones, blood, torn flesh. From that height it would be a miracle if Dick would even be identifiable after. He'd never thought about the way Dick's parents must have looked when they'd fallen, but it must have been horrible. He'd seen his fair share of mangled bodies, but imagining Dick seeing that when he was eight while Jason could barely handle picturing Dick like that, broken and bleeding and dead, at twenty-
"Is this it?", Dick asked. Jason snapped back into reality. He nodded without even taking in his surroundings, because it would've given him away if he did. Even if it wasn't they could make it work somehow. He just pushed the door open and stepped inside, not bothering to hold the door open for Dick. He heard a mumbled 'rude' from behind him before he slapped on the lights and removed his helmet.
The safe house was more of a shack, the only notable thing a medkit and a rotting couch. It was good enough to stitch himself back up on his worst days and it would be enough for the night. Dick wasn't complaining as he let himself fall onto the couch, jumping back up a little with the springs. He looked around too obviously, clearly for show, just to piss off Jason a little bit more. Most likely. "Cozy." "Shut up", Jason snarled back, putting the helmet onto the floor carefully before he removed his mask too. Dick did the same and rubbed at the corners of his eyes a little.
Jason didn't wait long before he sat down next to him. He wanted answers and Dick was going to give them to him.
"Spill", he demanded. Dick looked at him for only a second, something unreadable shining in his blue eyes, before he closed them again and leaned back against the couch, face tilted towards the ceiling. "Do you know what day it is?" Jason bit back an angry curse. "It's Tuesday, what the fuck does that have to do-" "My parents died today, 16 years ago." Jason's mouth snapped shut. He didn't- he didn't know. He'd never asked, before. It had always seemed like a bad topic.
"So-" "So you decided to join them today?", Jason asked, couldn't resist. Dick laughed and it didn't make sense, why would this be funny? It made him bristle, alarm bells ringing. Jason was ready to ask again, to stand up and smack some sense into the other, seeing as he was clearly losing it. "Tim said the exact same thing. Oh my god-", Dick said and he was still laughing like this wasn't- like they weren't talking about suicide and death. Something was deeply wrong with him. "Tim?" "Yea, when he confronted me he said the same thing. Word for word."
Jason frowned, heaviness settling in his stomach. It made him sick. "You've done this before?" Dick was still not looking at him but he wasn't closing his eyes either. He looked down at his hands, his palms turned up showing the rough material of his gloves. "I do it every year." Jason couldn't believe this. Dick had some sort of ritual of trying to kill himself every year on his parents' death date and just- what? Expected for someone to conveniently save him every time? Or for no one to show up?
But, Dick hadn't seemed extremely surprised to see him. He'd asked, but that could just be because he'd expected it to be Tim or Bruce or even Damian. He had no idea who was in on all of this, maybe the whole fucking family knew and just hadn't decided to tell him. Maybe they'd thought he knew, if Dick was doing this every year. Had been. But- that couldn't be right. It wasn't.
"You didn't- when I was younger you didn't do that." Jason was sure of that. He would remember that and Bruce wouldn't have let him, he'd been too overprotective back then. Still was, but he assumed he couldn't do much against a grown man who wasn't even legally his son. Jason couldn't comprehend how that was a thing either, but it didn't really matter in this case. He would've known if Dick had done this in his teens.
"No. It kind of-", Dick said and hesitated, which was concerning since he hadn't hesitated before. He'd seemed like he'd had this conversation many times before, which was annoying in and of itself but- Something was wrong. He was hesitating specifically because of him, because he didn't want to hurt him, which could only mean- "I- It started after you died." Jason could feel all the air leave his lungs at once like he'd been punched. So it was all Jason's fault.
How the fuck had he managed that?
"You're killing yourself because of me." He'd tried to word it as a question but it came out as a statement. It made Dick look at him, at least. The other's eyes were wide and concerned as he scrambled to reassure him. "No, of course not. I'm not killing myself and it's definitely not because of you." He sounded sincere enough. Maybe he was being honest, maybe it wasn't because of Jason. But, maybe it was. Because even when he wasn't dead anymore he'd brought enough pain into their relationship for it to matter. "But I'm back and you're still doing it."
"Well, it was never really about you." That hurt even more somehow. For it to not matter now would be okay, it would make sense, because Jason was right here alive and well. For it to not matter at all- He'd assumed before that Dick hadn't been too affected by his death and he'd come to terms with that, kind of. Now he'd just learned that maybe it had affected him, so much that he'd kill himself over it, just to be told again that he didn't matter. Great. Fucking fantastic. Why did he even fucking care? He should've just let Dick fall-
No.
"Ah, that came out wrong", Dick said, chuckling quietly. Jason couldn't say anything. "I meant- when you died it was- it was terrible. I didn't even get time to properly mourn you and then the ha-", Dick stopped abruptly. He looked like he was holding back something, eyebrows pinched only slightly, before he continued. "Anyway, it brought back unpleasant memories and my parents' death date was right around the corner and I just wanted to feel closer to them."
Jason didn't say anything, he just waited for Dick to continue. He didn't know what to make of this, of the fact that apparently Dick had tried to mourn him? Maybe? His death had supposedly been terrible, but Dick hadn't been at his funeral and even after that, from what he'd heard, he'd just gone on with his life. It didn't make sense.
It took a bit for Dick to continue, his eyes far away for a second before he snapped back into reality. It was incredibly strange. "So, yea, that's why I fall." Not jump. He just let himself fall. There was more to this story, Jason knew that. Could basically see the answers buzzing beneath Dick's skin if Jason just asked the right questions. For now, Jason tried to digest that, tried to take that as the truth. Dick was fine, Dick wasn't trying to kill himself. He didn't know if he could believe that. Dick smiled at him like he knew that.
"I catch myself at the last second and I usually don't get hurt. It just makes me feel like- I don't know, like I can be with them again for a while. It's stupid." Dick sounded like he was talking about the weather, like this didn't affect him. Maybe it was stupid, but neither of them knew how to cope healthily, so Jason wasn't going to say anything. It made sense, kind of, so he could at least try to believe that Dick was telling the truth, even if he was obviously hiding something else. "So you're fine?"
Dick grinned. "You and Tim are so alike." Jason bristled at that, crossing his arms in front of him. "We're not." "You are. Well, you didn't cry, so-" "Tim cried?" Jason couldn't believe that. That was fantastic news to him. "The hell did you do to him?" Dick pouted overdramatically. "I didn't do anything! I told him the same thing I just told you and he just- started crying. I still don't know what set him off."
Jason couldn't imagine what Tim's thoughts must have been. Maybe they were relieved tears, maybe he'd been sad or maybe he'd just remembered the fall himself. He'd been there, apparently. Or he'd at least been at the circus at some point. Jason had never bothered to listen to that part of the story, because it had never really mattered before.
"I'm glad you're not crying. I felt horrible", Dick said, sighing lightly. Jason scoffed and rolled his eyes. He'd been shaken but he wouldn't cry because of this. Especially not after he knew that Dick was not trying to kill himself. Not really, apparently. It lifted a lot of the tension from his shoulders and he could breathe more freely again. It was a relief. He'd hoped for this but actually knowing it was- it was different.
"You better feel horrible for putting me through this too. Why the fuck did no one tell me? I almost had a heart attack." Dick laughed and Jason didn't doubt that this one was real. "I don't know! You'd think something like this would be shared but I guess- I mean, they probably didn't want to tell you without my permission? You don't talk to Bruce and Tim doesn't tell anyone anything without them specifically asking and Damian's too protective."
"So the whole family knows?" The 'besides me?' went unsaid but he was pretty sure Dick could hear it anyways. His features softened and Jason felt his defenses go up. "Yea, well, depends on what you define as the family. Bruce, Alfred, Tim and Damian know. Oh, and Steph, because she saw it last year. Maybe Cass too, but no one told her. Tim saw it two years ago and lost his shit, told the others before I could even speak to him. It was such a mess to convince them that I wasn't trying to kill myself." Jason hadn't been in Gotham yet, two years ago. It made sense he hadn't known at the time, but someone could've told him last year or at least this year.
"I can't blame them", Jason said, because he was still struggling to completely convince himself at the moment. Dick shrugged his shoulders. "I suppose not. But I'd already done it two times before that and didn't die, no one even noticed. If I wanted to be dead I would be." It was a strong statement that left Jason feeling unsettled, like Dick had already thought about it at least once. "Does anyone else know?" If he was the last to know in the whole vigilante slash hero community he was going to kill someone.
Dick smiled as he looked to the side. "Wally does." Ah. Jason should've known. It wasn't really a surprise, but he wondered how he'd found out. "Did Tim tell him too?" Dick shook his head before he huffed a laugh. "No, I did. After the first time I did it I- I was unsure if I actually wasn't trying to kill myself and I needed to talk to someone. Who better to talk to than your best friend, right?" "Boyfriend." Dick laughed, unguarded and genuinely happy.
Jason wondered how he'd not seen that as often, either. "Yea, now, but back then he wasn't. He listened to me and said that everyone coped differently. It was such a cop-out answer but- he told me he'd be there to catch me the next year, if I'd still be scared I wouldn't be able to pull the trigger and shoot a line. It was really sweet", he explained, a small smile on his lips.
Dick looked away from Jason, a sadness enveloping him. Jason frowned, wondering why he sounded sad if the memory was supposed to be sweet. And then he realised. "But Wally wasn't there." "No. I know he would've been if he could've, and I wasn't trying to die, so I saved myself", Dick said and he didn't sound bitter, didn't even sound all too sad anymore. Jason didn't know how he'd have handled that, but Dick's favourite thing was to forgive too easily. Maybe he'd just been relieved when Wally had returned.
"He's been around since he came back. He probably saw you crashing us into the window." "Of course he's been around. I'd be mad if he wasn't", Jason said. Another thought came immediately. "Are the others on watch duty?" Dick looked back at him, his eyes narrowed slightly. "I don't need to be on suicide watch, Jason. They're not shadowing me." "Are you sure?" If Jason knew anything it was how annoyingly stubborn all of them could be.
"I'm not letting them", Dick said easily, like he could avoid all of them just because he'd decided on it. Arrogant bastard. "I saw you." Dick smiled at him, a glimmer in his eyes. "Yea, but you weren't following me around, you just watched me for a few minutes." Jason huffed and turned his eyes away. It was the first time he did since they'd started the conversation, since he didn't feel like he could let Dick out of his sight before. Now the apprehension was gone.
They sat in silence for a bit, just breathing in the company. It wasn't uncomfortable and Jason felt the events of the night weigh heavy on him. He was tired, the patrol hadn't been too bad but he'd had a horrible few nights behind him. Dick didn't look like he'd had a lot of sleep either, even if he managed to hide that well enough. They should probably get back to patrolling, Jason still had that meeting, but he didn't feel like going. He didn't feel like moving at all.
"So, are we staying here or is there a safe house with an actual bed anywhere near?", Dick asked, jumping off of the couch. Jason blinked up at him, brows furrowed. "What?" "Well, you shouldn't sleep on this, it'll hurt your back and that's already endured enough tonight." Dick wasn't wrong, the couch was terrible and his back was hurting from crashing through a window and onto the floor. He should probably get back home.
He sighed. "Yea, you're right." "Oh, you don't say that often. You were really spooked, huh?", Dick asked, grinning even as Jason shot him a glare. He didn't answer, because it would just be an obvious lie they'd both see through. Instead, he took back his helmet and put it back on again. It only took a second to turn online and Jason watched Dick put on his mask again, blue eyes hidden away behind white lenses. They stood only for a bit longer, before Jason motioned towards the door.
"Go on, I won't hold you any longer." Dick just smiled. "You know I like spending time with you, but there's somewhere you have to be, right?" Jason just nodded, he'd figured that Dick would know simply from him being way out of crime alley that he would have business in that part of the city. Dick walked towards the door and out, checking if it was safe before he motioned for Jason to follow. There usually wouldn't be anyone around but one could never be too sure.
Jason still felt a bit unsettled, letting Dick go out alone again, but he couldn't just stay close to him and he couldn't miss the meeting. He'd just have to trust the other. At least, Wally would be around. Jason could trust the speedster to be in time to save Dick, if anything happened. Had to.
Still, he could-
"Where are you going?", Jason asked, definitely not as nonchalant as he wanted. It didn't matter anyway, Dick could see right through him, because they both knew why he would be asking. Dick's shoulders sagged as he walked in front of him, his steps light and jumpy. It was a stark contrast that quickly dissipated, his back straightening again as Dick jumped up on a small wall, balancing on it exaggeratedly. "I'll go back to the manor." He didn't sound like he wanted to. "Why? You can just continue patrol."
Dick turned his face to him as he continued walking, a small smile gracing his lips. "Nah, the others will be furious as soon as I turn my comms back on. I better start getting on their good sides as soon as I can. On that note..." He trailed off, reaching for his left ear easily, presumably to turn it back on. Dick jumped down from the wall again, landing gracefully as he put his index finger on the comm. Jason was ready to hear screaming and crying, but there was nothing and Dick was still smiling. "Hey Walls, could-", Dick said, stopping when a blur of red and orange stopped in front of them.
Wally looked concerned for two seconds before he saw both of them standing there, uninjured and healthy. Then his face lit up as he focused on Dick, completely skipping over Jason’s presence. He looked at Dick like he was the fucking universe, it kinda made Jason sick. He was also a bit happy for them, but only if they could keep their stupid happy life out of his face. "Hi." "Hi", Dick breathed back, still smiling. Jason rolled his eyes. "Yes, hello, thanks for playing uber. I'm leaving." Jason didn't wait for them to say something in response, grabbing for his grappling hook and shooting a line up.
He didn't look back until he'd reached the roof of the building, but when he did he watched as Dick and Wally talked for a bit, too far away for Jason to understand. It didn't take long before Wally grabbed Dick and they were gone, leaving nothing behind. Jason let out a sigh of relief.
At least tonight, Dick was in safe hands. And next year, he'd be prepared.