Chapter Text
Harumi was awfully quiet today.
His friend started to get worried the moment they met at the train station. He didn’t start to bomb him with stuff that had bothered him at school and his gaze seemed indifferent, uncomfortable. Akihiko guessed that the high temperatures were annoying him and affecting him, like everyone else.
But then, at home, he even dared to put on a hoodie. It left Akihiko baffled. Who on earth would just throw on a hoodie in the middle of June?
Both of them were on the couch, watching some lame reality show they spent their time making fun of. But the sight of Harumi sitting uncomfortably on his own couch, his own home, his own skin— that made Akihiko stir with worry.
“Harumi, aren’t you hot with that..?”
Harumi looked at him quickly, a pinch of startleness on his face.
“Huh? Ah, no— no, I just get cold easily, it’s alright,” he shrugged. It wasn’t ‘alright’, he shrugged it off like it was nothing, but it wasn’t alright. He kept messing with the strings of his hoodie, wrapping them around his finger and releasing them each time.
“Are you sure you’re just cold?” He dived in.
He looked at the brunette and his eyes immediately started wandering off. His hands backed away from the strings and ended on his lap, messing around with his fingers, maybe even scraping his nails.
“Yeah— it’s that. I just get really cold, uh, sometimes.”
“If you’re that cold then you should check that, it’s not normal.” Akihiko said, playing along with the excuse Harumi gave him.
“Ugh— no. That’s not necessary. Really. Don’t think about it, it’s nothing.” He continued to scrap his nails, unconsciously digging on his cuticles.
Akihiko reached out and grabbed both of his hands in order to separate them and bring Harumi’s attention to him.
“Stop doing that, Harumi.”
“Ah, right.”
“And stop lying to me.” That came out harsher than Akihiko intended.
Harumi fell into silence. His gaze once again derived from Akihiko’s, staring into nothingness.
This fed him up. Though, of course, his ways of confrontation were not as assertive as Harumi’s.
The blonde’s conflicted expression made Akihiko kind of guilty, but he didn’t want to think about that feeling right now.
”Sorry.” He said, instinctively. He dropped down their hands, but kept an eye on Harumi’s, just in case he needed to intervene again.
Akihiko continued speaking.
“It’s just— you’ve been so weird today. And it’s not the first time this has happened. It’s not cold, Harumi.”
Harumi’s eyebrows twitched in a frown. He blatantly pouted, then he smirked.
“How sweet~ bunny’s taking care of—”
Akihiko scoffed.
“Harumi, don’t avoid the subject.”
This fed him up. Harumi had been able to lift Akihiko up whenever he needed him, and now, Harumi wasn’t even letting him know the issue. How was their relationship fair, then?
The smirk on the other’s face fell, followed by the rest of his face. He frowned again, pursuing his lips. He hugged himself; Akihiko couldn’t help himself but to wish to be the one wrapping his arms around the boy.
“I don’t really want to talk about it, okay?”
Akihiko frowned in disbelief. After everything that they had done together, after countless nights of just talking to each other and knowing that they were each other’s comfort spaces; did Harumi just decide to push him away? And the worst of all is that he knew he couldn’t do anything about it, it was his choice. Disappointed, he sighed and turned around towards the TV, not even bothering to reply back. He didn’t know if that was the best option, but he rathered that over lashing out at Harumi.
After a few minutes, Akihiko noticed that he was scraping his hands again. Without a thought nor a word, he dragged one of his hands away and kept it tangled with his. He noticed that Harumi’s was hot and kind of sweaty.
Cold, yeah right.
He didn’t comment anything about it, though. What was the point if Harumi wouldn’t reply?
That thought made him even more frustrated, and he didn’t even know exactly why.
Was his inability to help that made him angry or was it Harumi’s secretiveness?
…Whatever.
As much as Akihiko wanted to be stubborn and petty, he tried once again.
This time he even got the TV controller and put it on mute.
“Harumi… I— are you sure? You know you can tell me anything… Please?” He gave a gentle smile, trying to compensate for his mild harsh words from before.
Harumi didn’t look back. He stared at the ground, at the table— nowhere. Akihiko felt his hand tightening against itself, his own hand being atop.
“Harumi… Look at me…”
He could see how the boy’s eyes were starting to water, a gloss of crystal dust lingering over his lacrimal and lower eyelids.
He even noticed how his eyes rapidly blinked, not letting himself cry out his feelings— retaining his tears from rolling down his cheeks. Even if he tried, physics were against him.
Akihiko sat closer to him, even if he didn’t know Harumi would like it.
Neither of them knew that the other needed to have one another in their arms.
The brunette stirred closer. He reached towards Harumi’s face, resting his hand on the boy’s cheek. He both wiped off his tear with his thumb and made him look at him.
Harumi did not fight, so Akihiko took that as a chance.
“Harumi, how many times have you told me to not play pretend around you?”
Akihiko’s voice was gentler than ever. It made Harumi’s heart flutter with both tenderness and sorrow.
“…a lot.” He quietly answered.
“Then how come that does not apply to you too?”
Harumi did not reply as quickly as before. He kept rapidly blinking as he looked down.
“I’m sorry— I just don’t want to-”
“I know. This isn’t about that right now. The thing is… if you want to cry, then cry.”
Harumi lifted his head, his eyes widened and trembled. He even hiccuped a bit. Probably because of the fact that he was swallowing his want to cry and sob.
“Come on, don’t make me the only crybaby here…” Akihiko teased.
He was well received with a soft chuckle followed by a pair of tears.
Harumi sobbed as Akihiko quickly wrapped his arms around him, making his face fall towards his chest. He reached for his blonde hair and caressed him as he softly gave the boy reassurance whispers.
Few cries and nuzzles later, Harumi was able to speak again. Still, he didn’t look up and faced Akihiko.
“I’m sorry……I’ve—I’ve just been feeling so bad about myself lately—” he sobbed.
“And why is that?”
Silence again. Akihiko could only sigh at his friend’s unwillingness to vent.
He knew his silence was carried by some much more emotion. Larger than himself, probably. It carried guilt, shame… maybe even self hatred; that thought felt so distant from Harumi’s character. What surprised Akihiko was that he didn’t doubt any of those thoughts.
He felt how Harumi’s body trembled under his arms, even if the boy was always acting tough and temperamental.
Akihiko knew that that part of him wasn't just pretending; like how he pretended at school with his whole ice prince persona. He knew that Harumi was a strong person, yet he lamented the fact that he didn’t let himself feel a little when it mattered.
Sometimes Akihiko was too much of a sufferer, but this type of coping mechanism wasn’t okay either.
“Oh, Harumi…” he whispered as he nuzzled his face down the blonde’s head. “When will you let me in?”
Silence replied to him once more, accompanied by sobbing.
Akihiko guessed it was useless to keep asking him; he knew that he had to keep doing so, though. Maybe later was better— this wasn’t the end of their conversation.
So, the boys kept hugging one another as their breaths fell on a nice soft rhythm. Harumi whispered a few apologies that were quickly shut down by Akihiko’s sweet words.
The show had long ended, but neither of them moved an inch. Harumi believed that if nothing happened, he wouldn’t have to spill anything other than tears. Even if he wished that, though, he knew that Akihiko wouldn’t let him go like that. But he believed, he believed that as long as their arms were tangled— their hearts connected, he wouldn’t have to face what had been bringing him fear this whole time.
Just a little longer, just a little longer for their relationship to be precious and pure. Just a little longer— he did not want Akihiko to hate him so soon. He did not want his dearest person to see how pitiful he actually was, how gross and weird.
Just let him savor this hug a little longer, a little tighter— he prayed.
His heart was crushed again by the feeling of soft lips resting on the top of his head. He had never felt so close yet so far away from Akihiko as he did now.
He could only wish…
He didn’t deserve it. He didn’t deserve any of this.
His eyes began to blur again with tears as he muffled his face on the boy’s shoulder. Akihiko’s hands continued to caress his hair— holding the weeping boy until the sun hid away in shame.