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It all starts with a hug.
A life altering, magical hug that had been powerful enough to end world hunger, give peace to all nations, and–
… Or actually, that’s not really the truth.
Really, it starts in a dusty church back room with a broken coffee machine and a priest playing therapist. But this last one is on Eddie. He is the one who has come back, after all.
“What makes you feel joy, Eddie?” The priest asks in his most philosophical tone of voice.
“My son gives me joy,” Eddie says automatically.
The priest sighs. He waits. Looks Eddie in the eyes. Eddie shifts nervously in his chair. Because really, this is the reason he came: to not talk about his son. He already moved back from Texas, mended his relationship with Chris, everything has come back to normal.
Yet, it still feels like Eddie is missing something.
So this is why he is sitting in this god-awful community room, sipping on warm water and swimming in his own ass-sweat.
When Eddie doesn’t continue, the priest shakes his head. “You can’t rely on your son to give you joy forever, Eddie. At some point you have to find your own joy.”
“What if I don’t have my own joy?”
“Of course you do,” he says. “Help me here. Think back to the last time you truly felt joyous, happy, even content.”
Eddie thinks. He backtracks his movements and actions from the last few days, from the time he decided to move back to now. And that is when he remembers it: the hug.
They had just gotten back from the station after a chilling rescue at a collapsed building. Eddie hadn’t been on the job and Buck had almost died. He had taken a risk and it had been thrilling.
Chris had just told him he would be cool with staying.
Eddie had been shaking with ecstasy and relief, when Buck suddenly engulfed him in the most tight, strong embrace he had ever felt. Everything around him was Buck. Buck’s arms, Buck’s chest, Buck’s neck. All the overwhelming emotions of the day left him, so what was left in his body was this earth-shattering lightness, a happiness that–
“Are you finding it?” The priest interrupts his fantasy, rudely.
“Mhmm,” Eddie mumbles, chugging his water and cringing at the temperature.
“Well, I can’t technically give you homework, because this is an unofficial, unprofessional conversation, but I would highly suggest that you keep that moment with you and aim to find it again.”
“You mean just keep doing it?”
The priest blinks. “Well that certainly depends–”
“I think I can do that,” Eddie says decidedly.
+
And now here Eddie is, hyping himself up to choose joy.
The thing is that hugging isn’t something Buck and Eddie usually do. He can count on one, maybe two hands, how many times they’ve hugged in seven years. So he can’t just open his arms and have Buck come crawling into him. He must take different, more calculated measures.
His first attempt at a plausible excuse is helped by Christopher. Chris, who really is a darling, has always been in Buck’s “hug-zone”. They hug when they haven’t seen each other in a while, when they say goodbye, when they have a good conversation. Really, nothing stops them from hugging.
Eddie thinks he can probably use that to his advantage. One day he gets his opening.
Chris comes home and announces that he got an A on his science report.
“That’s my man!” Buck is the first to say.
He scoops him up in one big lift and engulfs him in the sweetest hug. Eddie could watch them interact all day; that would almost be enough joy to keep up with his needs. But not quite, of course, so Eddie does what he must and surprises them both by joining their moment in a side hug.
“Awh, my boys,” Eddie says. “We’re really proud of you, Chris.”
With a flushed ‘thank you’, Chris breaks free from their embrace and shuffles out of their arms. This is where Eddie’s plan comes to action. Instead of letting go like any normal person would, he angles himself toward Buck and takes Christopher’s place in his arms.
“Mwhh,” Eddie sighs exaggeratedly as he tightens around Buck. Buck chuckles and hugs him back and it’s probably the best minute Eddie has had in days. He leans his chin on Buck’s shoulder and lets his hands roam curiously around his back. Buck is warm and sturdy, and Eddie weakens a little in the knees.
They pull back naturally after too short of a time, and Eddie already misses his arms. Looking at Buck, though, only extends his joy. His cheeks are painted a faint pink and there’s a big, beautiful smile plastered on his face. He blinks, looks down, and stumbles through some excuse to go cooking or something, and Eddie knows: this is his joy.
His next opportunity for an unassuming hug comes, surprisingly, when the sink breaks. Eddie, being the handyman he is, tries to fix it.
He’s on his knees, trying to turn a screw when it breaks off and the water explodes out of the pipe, splashing him all over his face and upper body.
“Eugh,” he cringes away from the sink, trying desperately to stop the water. Behind him, Buck laughs uncontrollably at his demise.
When he finally gets the pipe closed off, he’s soaked. He stands up to catch Buck’s rude, toothless grin.
“Hey,” Eddie says, pointing a finger at Buck. “You wouldn’t like this if it happened to you, would you?”
Buck laughs louder, and Eddie sees his chance.
“Oh, so you really want some, do you?” He walks closer, opening his arms wider. Buck raises an eyebrow, like he questions if Eddie really would dare go there. Eddie lunges at him, but Buck is quicker and he just manages to escape his soaked body,
“No, you don’t!” Buck shrieks, twisting to get out of Eddie’s reach. But this time, Eddie is faster, and he manages to tackle Buck against the kitchen counter.
“Not so funny anymore, huh?” Eddie laughs, rubbing his chest, neck and head against Buck as he engulfs him in his arms.
“Yuck, Eddie!” Buck laughs, trying to get out of Eddie’s hold.
“Awh,” Eddie pouts, putting his puppy eyes on full display. “You don’t like my hugs?”
Buck rolls his eyes. “Ha ha,” he says. But he stills gives in and wraps his arms around Eddie, rocking him slowly side to side. “‘Course I do.”
Eddie hums and closes his eyes, hoping he can stay like this just a little longer.
The next time, he gets an excellent idea when Buck comes home wearing a new sweater. It’s made of a wool-adjacent, fluffy fabric that makes him look a little bit like a walking pillow. It’s blue. Eddie notices that it matches his eyes perfectly.
“What’d you think?” Buck says, doing a bit of a twirl.
“New sweater?” Eddie says, lifting his eyebrows. He is sitting at the kitchen table, going through some dull paperwork.
“Aha,” Buck confirms. “Got it on sale and everything. Have a feel, it’s sooo soft.”
Eddie gets up so fast you’d think his chair is burning. He lightly touches the fabric on Buck’s arm. “Nice,” he agrees.
But he doesn’t let go. Instead, he lets his hand follow Buck’s arm all the way up to his shoulder. “It’s very soft,” he tries to prolong the moment. “What fabric is it?”
He shifts his foot and lets his other hand hold Buck’s free shoulder.
Buck looks at the newly added hand. “Uh, I think it’s a blend – maybe with mohair?”
“Hmm,” Eddie ponders. He holds tighter on the sweater and moves a little closer, like he wants to inspect the fabric. “Is it warm?”
“Yes?” Buck hesitates. “I know it’s a bit much for California, but you know…”
His voice falters as Eddie lets his hands roam his back, simultaneously pushing Buck closer so that they’re now chest to chest. Time is moving in slow motion, and Eddie feels his heart pick up speed.
“It really is soft,” Eddie whispers. Buck nods. He’s looking at Eddie’s lips, and Eddie briefly feels his heart try to jump out of his throat – is it panic? Heart problems? Before he knows it, he’s leaning into Buck, fully committing to the hug, but aiming his head away to cool down the dangerous tightness in his chest.
Buck hugs him back and pets him gently on the back, like a good friend.
After that, he gets a little more daring with it. So when they’re watching TV at night, Eddie tackles Buck on the couch. When Buck is doing something with his arms, like folding laundry, Eddie lets himself fall into them.
At first Eddie limits himself to a few times a week, a hug sprinkled in here and there, in the mornings so he can catch Buck un-caffeinated and unexpecting, and after work where he has a reasonable excuse: that it’s been a rough day. And he has a lot of rough days.
But on the days where he doesn’t get a hug in, he starts to feel depraved. So he makes the decision that he must have a hug at least once a day.
Still, Buck doesn’t say a word, just silently hugs him back every time. Sometimes leaning his head on Eddie’s shoulder, sometimes rocking them side to side, sometimes letting his hands explore Eddie’s back – but nothing below the small of his back, he’s a gentleman!
The problem is that Buck’s hugs are damn right addictive. Once he starts hugging him every day, suddenly it gets very hard to stop. One evening, they get home from work pretty late, and Eddie hasn’t yet had this daily dose of Buck-hug.
Exhausted, Buck immediately heads to the bedroom, as it’s his turn to have the bed that week, and Eddie nearly twitches with withdrawals. It’s like his chest feels naked and cold without Buck’s body there.
He manages to set up his bed on the couch, get under the covers and almost go to sleep, before his body starts itching. He tosses and turns for about five minutes before he gives up.
As silently as he can, he tiptoes towards the bedroom, creaks the door open, and enters with no shame in mind.
Buck is sitting up with his back plopped up against the pillows, a book in his hands. He looks at Eddie with a questionable look on his face. Eddie ignores him. Slowly, Eddie draws the covers off, revealing a (thankfully) clothed Buck. He’s wearing grey sweats and a vest. Great , thinks Eddie, a soft cover to sleep on .
He starts at the bottom by Buck’s feet, sets his knees down on the bed and promptly starts climbing Buck like a tree. When he gets to the top he plops down with a hmph.
He hears Buck throw his book on the bed, and soon enough his large, warm arms are around him, pulling him closer. Eddie’s own arms just lie by his side, and he considers lifting them up to hold on even tighter, but gives up when Buck starts drawing soothing circles on his back.
He thinks that maybe this time, he should say something. So he does.
“Can I sleep here?”
“Sure,” Buck says, uncertainly.
“Thanks,” Eddie says uselessly. He lets his head rest against Buck’s chest and closes his eyes.
When he wakes up the next morning, he’s no longer lying on Buck. Instead, he’s on his side on the bed, with Buck neatly hugging him from behind and breathing into his neck.
It’s like Eddie feels the joy spread from his core to the tips of his toes, to the red of his ears and the hairs on his chest. He finds Buck’s hand and tugs it into the warmth of his armpits, and thinks, this is it, this is where I want to be for the rest of my life .
“Morning,” Buck says, his lips tickling his neck.
“Morning,” Eddie says back.
“Did you sleep well?”
Eddie smiles and gives Buck’s hand a squeeze. “Yeah, thank you for letting me sleep here.”
“My pleasure,” Buck mumbles.
Eddie doesn’t process the words immediately and expresses a “hmm?”
“I said ‘no problem’,” Buck says, and Eddie immediately feels the air shift. It’s starting to feel like a territory vastly out of Eddie’s expertise.
First of all, there are definitely words they aren’t saying to each other. Second of all, Eddie doesn’t know what those words are. .
He decides not to dwell on it too much; if Buck is uncomfortable, he would say so. Eddie could easily keep going forever without sharing a single feeling, and he chooses to live by that.
So he gets out of Buck’s grasp, already missing his warmth, and sits up. He dares looking down at Buck and immediately regrets it. The man is looking up at him with big, sad eyes, his arms left boneless on Eddie’s side of the bed.
“I’m gonna make breakfast,” Eddie says softly, because he can’t help himself.
When he leaves the bedroom, his only thought is fuck .
+
The next time Eddie hugs Buck, it turns out to be a grave mistake.
Because it happens at work.
It’s a few days after the Bed Incident and Eddie had decided to forego his daily hug for a few days. The all night cuddle gave him enough Buck-joy to keep going for a while, and admittedly the vibe between them did feel a little dangerous.
But then Buck does a stupid thing at work. They’re at a car accident at a large intersection, and a little girl who’d been in one of the cars panics and runs directly into traffic. Of course Buck is quick on his feet and runs after her immediately, dodging cars and yells from the public, before he snatches her and brings her safely back to the roadside.
When they get back and everyone settles in the loft, Eddie grabs Buck’s hand and pulls him into him. They crash together in their tightest embrace yet, and Eddie tries to squeeze as much air out of Buck as possible.
“I hate when you’re being a hero,” Eddie mumbles against his skin.
“I’m sorry,” Buck mumbles back.
They stand like that for what feels like hours, slowly absorbing each other. Yet it can’t have been more than ten minutes, because soon Eddie feels the many eyes staring at him, and he realises that they’re standing in the middle of the fire station, surrounded by all their friends.
Chim clears his throat.
Eddie freezes. Suddenly, he feels Buck’s touch burn. Why? He loves Buck, and his hugs. So why is his neck hot? And why does his life depend on whatever Chimney says next?
“Wow,” Chim exclaims. “Get a room!”
Eddie rolls his eyes and instinctively pulls out of Buck’s embrace. “We were just hugging,” Eddie says coldly. “What’s wrong with that?”
“Nothing, nothing,” Chim says walking away with his hands in the air as Eddie’s eyes throw daggers at him.
But it’s actually Hen’s voice that causes the real trouble.
“Don’t be so harsh on them, Chim,” she says teasingly. “It’s all love.”
Eddie feels his face flush, his words get caught in his throat. He catches Buck’s eyes; he looks confused and hurt.
“Buck–” Eddie says. He doesn’t want it to look like he hesitates, that he’s unsure. But then, it probably looks exactly like that.
“I think I’m gonna go take a nap,” Buck says, leaving Eddie standing looking longingly after him.
“Look what you did!” Eddie says to Chim and Hen as he leaves, even though, admittedly, it probably isn’t their fault.
Buck doesn’t say anything to him for the rest of the shift, unless it’s work related. He doesn’t say anything on the car ride home, unless it’s chore related, and when they get inside, he goes directly to the kitchen to fucking bake .
Eddie decides to be the bigger person.
“Hey,” he says. “Can we talk?”
Buck takes a deep sigh. He’s standing with his back to Eddie, and it’s like the muscles in his back tenses.
“Yeah,” he doesn’t skip a beat. “I think you should back off.”
Eddie’s chest tightens. “Why?”
Buck moves around in one swift motion. “I understand that you need physical touch, and I get it, and some part of me loves giving in to you, but I have to protect myself,” he almost spits.
Eddie scrunches his nose, doesn’t understand. “What do you mean?”
Buck looks like he’s giving up. “Eddie, I don’t want to say it, because it pains me,” his voice shakes. “But it feels a little bit like you’re leading me on.”
There is silence.
A silence so overbearing, he can hear his heart drumming against his ribs. Sweet, sweet music.
Then Eddie understands. He takes a step forward. “If I could be in one place for the rest of my life, it would be in your arms,” he says.
Buck’s hand flies to his forehead, he almost laughs. “See that’s… that’s… don’t you see how that’s an insane thing to say, Eddie, when we are just platonic friends, and nothing more?”
“Yes,” Eddie deadpans. “That would be an insane thing to say if we were just platonic friends, and nothing more.”
Buck stares at him. “Which we are”, he says, a little exasperated.
“Are we, though?”
“Yes, yes we are,” Buck says back with such passion Eddie is almost thrown backwards. “We are just friends because you’re straight, and I’m not, so I can’t do this anymore, Eddie.”
Eddie thinks for a second. “You know, I hadn’t even thought about that.”
And isn’t that just the thing? All this time that he has longed, yearned, down right lusted for Buck’s touch, and his own sexuality has never crossed his mind. Huh.
Buck looks defeated. “What do you mean you hadn’t even thought about what ?”
“That I’m straight. I hadn’t thought about that,” he says.
Buck’s face visibly breaks. “You’re killing me.” He says it with such sadness that Eddie realises he has to turn this around.
“I,” Eddie starts. He turns the words around in his mouth, tests them out on the tip of his tongue, lets them marinate there. But then Buck turns around to leave, and Eddie has no choice but to vomit them out. “I don’t know that I’m straight.”
Buck stops, doesn’t look around.
“What?”
“I…” his mouth feels dry all of a sudden. “I don’t know that I’m straight. Maybe I’m not.”
Buck stands still for a moment, then slowly turns around. “Is this something you’ve just thought about now?” Buck questions, his voice pretending to be neutral.
Eddie nods. Buck shakes his head, still looking crushed.
Eddie takes a deep breath, and lets the gates open. “All I’ve been thinking about for the past weeks is you,” he gulps. “Your strong, warm arms embracing me, holding me, making me feel safe and good.”
A beat.
“It gives me joy.”
Another beat.
“It’s like my body, when attached to yours, is at its happiest.”
He takes a step forward now, joining Buck in the middle of the kitchen floor.
“When I’m not hugging you, or I haven’t hugged you in a while, it’s like my body reacts negatively. My heartbeat speeds up. I get itchy.”
He shakes his body to demonstrate. Takes another step.
“It’s like it can’t live without your touch.”
He stops. They’re almost in each other’s spaces. Buck is like frozen to the ground, mesmerised by Eddie’s rambling. Looking at Buck, he can’t even remember what he just said, but he’d say it all over again if it means Buck keeps looking at him like that.
“Those thoughts aren’t very straight,” Buck says finally, his voice hoarse.
“No, they aren’t,” Eddie agrees.
Then Buck does something Eddie had no idea would be this life-changing. He steps forwards and hugs him. All this time, Eddie initiated every hug, and obviously it was amazing each time. But when Buck initiates a hug, it’s like the word joy has a whole new meaning.
“So when we’re like this, you feel joy?” Buck says, his face mushed into Eddie’s neck.
“Yeah.”
“Me too.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah,” Buck breathes deeply, and the movement tickles Eddie a little. He giggles. It makes Buck giggle. His stomach gives a churn and he draws back to look at the man cradled in his arms.
His eyes are glassy, his cheeks completely red, and his lips a little sad. Eddie figures he should do something about that.
“How about this?” He says and leans in to seal their lips together.
Buck’s lips are soft and warm, and he feels himself letting go immediately, letting Buck take his face in his hands, pushing impossibly closer. Eddie gasps when Buck’s tongue clashes with his, and for a moment, everything else disappears, leaving only him and Buck tangled together like ribbons.
After what feels like an eternity, they both draw back to get air. “That’s good, too,” Buck says against his lips.
“Yeah, I think so, too,” Eddie smiles.
He leans his head on Buck’s shoulder, giving his body completely to Buck’s embrace.
This , Eddie thinks, is his joy .