Work Text:
They're on tour right now. Somewhere in the middle of America. Seungmin isn't quite sure. What he is sure about is that living out of a suitcase for a couple months sucks. Getting on a plane and going to new cities everyday is cool but tiring. The concerts are amazing and he loves seeing all the fans and giving his best but constantly giving his best is draining. He wants his own bed back. He wants his familiarity and routines back. They're far from over for this tour. The week they get back in Korea after America and before the Europe leg is going to be like a breath of fresh air and yet it's still too far away and then they'll be back on a plane with their lives all neatly folded up in a suitcase again.
It's midday on a day off after a concert. Seungmin was supposed to be recording something with Chan today but cancelled it this morning. It wasn't vital so of course Chan told him to not worry and just rest. Give his vocal cords a break. He felt guilty as he hung up the call with him because he cancelled it simply because he didn't want to do it—inherently selfish. Resting could at least be spinned as selfless so he won't be tired in front of the fans at the next concert.
Knock Knock
Seungmin looks up from his phone at the door.
"Yeah?" He calls out, not wanting to actually get up and answer it. Facing a person might make it harder to refuse whatever they're offering.
"Hey, Minnie. I'm going to the art museum they have in the city. Want to come?" Hyunjin's voice comes from the hallway.
Seungmin lets out a tired groan, just loud enough for Hyunjin to hear, "I'm sorry, Jinnie. I'm too worn out. Wouldn't be any fun to be around."
"That's okay. Rest well!"
He listens to retreating footsteps of the other down the hall until he knows it's safe to let out a real groan. Not the tired one he faked for Hyunjin but the one that echoes his internal weariness from all the travelling. What he wouldn't give to be back home, on his shared couch with Felix, watching a baseball game. Heck, he would even rather the ruthless dance practices because at least there is familiarity with them. At least the stars are the same here at night. When they were in South America, even the stars down there were different. There was a quiet night where Chan and Felix pointed out some of the familiar constellations from their childhoods to the rest of the group. That was nice.
Eventually he forces himself off of his bed and begins rummaging through his suitcase. There has to be something in there that can bring him comfort. Hidden under all of his pants is a small blue drawstring bag with little yellow stars. Seungmin pulls it out, doesn't take much effort since most of the contents of his suitcase have become strewn around on the floor. He examines the bag. It's his portable little space bag. He hasn't regressed on tour at all. It's hard to be comfortable enough to regress when everything is always changing. He tosses the bag in the direction of the sofa chair in the hotel room and sits back on the floor, defeated.
Nothing feels right.
He stares at the mess he has made on the floor. He should pick it back up and pack it nicely in his suitcase. They leave for another city tomorrow. No reason he should risk being late simply because he's acting like a child now.
Seungmin doesn't pick it up. Instead he moves back to the bed, not even bothering to continue his scrolling on his phone. He just lays there, disassociating from everything around him. He has no idea how much time passes before there's another knock on his door.
"Me and Jisung are going to sit by the hotel pool. Care to join us?" Minho asks him from the other side of the door, not waiting for a response to his knock.
Seungmin's head is beginning to pound, which washes away some of the guilt when he answers, "No t'anks, Min. Don' wanna swim."
"That's—okay, Seungmin. Let any of us know if you need anything." He disappears down the hallway just like Hyunjin did earlier and for some reason that makes Seungmin want to scream.
Why didn't he insist on Seungmin going with them? Why did he just blindly accept the no? What if Seungmin actually wants to go but is just being difficult? Seungmin reaches out to grab the pillow nearest to him and throws it at the curtains over the window, it falls to the floor with a thud. He repeats the action with the other 3 pillows left on the bed, each one falling to the floor to make a small pile. He kicks the blanket and sheets of the bed as well, disappointed that they're not doing what he wants them to do, but he's not even sure what it is that he wants them to do.
By the time he is done, the hotel room is a mess. His clothes and personal belongings are everywhere. The pillows are in a pile by the window. The bed is bare. In one last fit of anger at nothing feeling right, he kicks over the small trashcan by the little table that the room has and the wrappers are added to the mess.
Seungmin lies back down on the bed. His phone is now gone with the blankets, so he just stares at the ceiling in compressing silence.
Knock Knock
Seungmin doesn't answer. He can't. His room is a mess. He made a mess, on purpose even. None of the guys should see this. None of them should have to look at the mess. At least his physical space mirrors his mental space more accurately. When you can never settle somewhere, your brain just gets all messed up. It's hard to think.
Knock Knock
"Minnie, baby, are you still in there?" Jeongin's voice is soft as it seeps through the door.
Seungmin lies silently. He can't let Jeongin see the mess. He's supposed to be able to be relied on. Jeongin is younger than him. Seungmin should seem like an unmovable pillar in case the younger needs a steady force in these hectic months. He feels tears prickling at the corner of his eyes. He failed. He failed at being reliable, at being good. He made a mess.
"Did you go to sleep, baby?"
He could pretend he fell asleep. That would be easy. He just needs to stay silent. Pretend that everything is okay. Pretend that he didn't make a mess. Pretend that he isn't a failure. Pretend that his head isn't throbbing. Pretend that there aren't tears starting to stream out his eyes. Pretend that it isn't him who lets out a stuttered sob.
"Minnie? Baby, please let me in. I got dinner for you. Chicken tendies, and some fries, and some ice cream. The ice cream is going to melt if I stay out here. I got apple juice too." If Seungmin paid attention he would be able to hear the worry and panic starting to seep into Jeongin's voice.
Seungmin crawls out of the bed to sit by the door. "Can't come in."
"Why not, baby? Why can't Innie come in?"
"Messy."
"That's okay, baby. We all get messy now and then. I can help clean you up." Jeongin replies. He means it literally but maybe, just maybe, he can clean up the mess in Seungmin's mind as well.
Seungmin reaches up to unlock the door and let Jeongin in. It's hard for Jeongin to enter, since Seungmin's body is blocking most of the door's path but he manages. He's holding a white and blue bag, with the food in it, but as soon as he sees Seungmin, he drops to his knees to hug him—the bag sat down on the floor.
Jeongin reaches behind them to shut the door and lock it. Keeping them safe from prying eyes. Seungmin cries into his shoulder.
"Shh. There there. It's okay, baby." Jeongin mumbles into his ear as he gently rocks them. "Innie is here now. Innie will take care of you."
"Innie mad." He doesn't ask it. Seungmin says it like it's an undeniable truth.
Jeongin squeezes him, "Of course not. Why would I be mad, baby?"
"Made mess, big mess."
"That's okay. We can clean it up. As long as you didn't hurt yourself, that's all I care about." He whispers in his ear.
Seungmin just cries louder at that. He shouldn't be allowed such unwavering love and care even when he makes a mess and pushes everyone away for a day, but he is allowed it because he deserves it. He knows Jeongin would say that. It's that care that causes him to cry more.
"Oh, baby." Jeongin tucks Seungmin's head against his chest, holding the back of his head gently, "You've had to deal with all these big emotions by yourself all day. You're so brave for that, but you're even braver to let me in and help you, even when you were scared. I'm so proud of you, baby. Cry as long as you want. I'm not going anywhere."
It feels like a cleanse as he cries. His mind washes away the dirt and grime that was tainting it and as he starts to calm down he remembers the food. He pulls his face away from Jeongin's chest, which has a noticeably wet mark. "Ice cream gonna melt?" He sniffles a few times after he asks.
Jeongin lets out a soft chuckle. "Is Minnie-baby getting hungry?"
"Mmhmm, hungy." Seungmin confirms, reaching up to wipe at his face with the back of his hand.
Jeongin slowly pulls back and stands up first. He picks up the food with one hand and holds out the other to help Seungmin up. Seungmin takes it and pulls himself up onto wobbly feet. He follows Jeongin over to the chair and small table.
Jeongin begins pulling out the food, "Now I have to ask, just to be sure, are you feeling little?" He opens up the chicken tenders box and peels back the foil on the ranch cup.
Seungmin watches him prepare the food as he assesses his own body and mind before coming to a conclusion, "Is okay? If I'm little?"
"Of course it is. I'll be here the entire time." He puts the spoon in the ice cream cup as his last step, "As long as that's okay. If you need one of the others, I can have them come."
Seungmin shakes his head as he reaches for the ice cream, "Wan' Innie."
He misses the smile on Jeongin's face as he focuses all his energy in getting a spoonful of the ice cream.
"Normally I would say you need to save dessert for last but since it's so melted, you might as well eat it first. I'm gonna work on the room."
Seungmin digs into the meal as Jeongin flits around the room. At first he pays no mind to the other as he works through all the food he has been given but soon enough the guilt starts to eat at him and he abandons his dinner to kneel on the floor next to his suitcase, alongside Jeongin, and starts attempting to fold his clothes, clearly trying to mirror the other.
"Oh, baby, you don't need to help with this. Innie has it. You should eat your food before it gets cold."
Seungmin adamantly shakes his head, "Made mess. Need to clean up mess. My fault."
Jeongin places his hands over top of Seungmin's, halting his attempts. "It's not your fault, Minnie-baby. Sometimes things up here," He points at his head, "Get so messy that we need to move them out here," He points to the room around them, "It's okay that you made a mess. You did what you needed. Now you need to get some real food in you. Innie is here to help pick everything up. I just want you to eat. Can you do that for me?"
Seungmin reaches up to touch Jeongin's forehead, "Innie's head messy?"
Jeongin smiles softly, "Sometimes it is. Having a task helps clear it. Something simple, like taking care of you, makes my head calm down. Folding the clothes and making the bed allows me time to reorganise and clean up what's in there. How's your head feeling, baby?"
"Was bad. Now is kinda fluffy? Like a soft blanket."
"Can the soft blanket finish their dinner so Innie can clean up his messy brain?"
Seungmin nods and goes back to eating his food, allowing Jeongin to return the hotel room back to the state it was in when Seungmin woke up that morning. Seungmin purposely saved the last bite of his ice cream, now a melted cold drink, for Jeongin.
"Here Innie." Seungmin holds out the cup with both hands.
Jeongin smiles, all teeth on display, as he takes the cup. "Is this for me? How thoughtful, baby." He sips down the melted ice cream.
"T'ank you for dinner." Seungmin mumbles, licking his sticky fingers.
Jeongin grabs his arm gently, "Lets get those sticky icky hands all cleaned up." He leads him to the bathroom and runs the sink for a minute, "Stick your hands under there, Minnie-baby."
Seungmin listens obediently and wets his hands as Jeongin wets his own and soaps them up with the bar of soap before holding them out to Seungmin. Seungmin grabs his hands and allows Jeongin to spread the soap all over his palms and fingers. They've done this before, when there isn't a bottle of soap. Seungmin has tried to use the bar of soap but in little space he tends to drop it without meaning to.
"Okay now rinse them off really well with me." They rinse off their hands and Jeongin helps him towel them dry.
"Do you think you want to take a bath tonight?"
"Bath?" Seungmin looks towards the bathtub and immediately starts heading for it. Jeongin stops him with a hand on his shoulder.
"Not right now. In like 30 or 40 minutes?"
Seungmin doesn't know why Jeongin wants to wait on it but he nods and allows himself to be led back out into the bed area.
"What does Minnie-baby want while we wait? Want to watch a show? Bluey?" Jeongin asks, rubbing a hand on Seungmin's back.
"Wanna cuddle Innie until bath." Seungmin plops himself onto the bed and makes grabby hands towards Jeongin.
Jeongin smiles brightly and joins him on the bed. He manhandles, gently, Seungmin to lay on top of him with his head over Jeongin's chest. The soft beating of Jeongin's heart lulls Seungmin into a half-sleep. He can feel Jeongin jostle around under him, presumably to pull out his phone, but he's not really aware of much until there is yet another knocking on his door.
Knock Knock
"That's Channie, baby." Jeongin shakes his shoulder lightly, "I'm gonna roll you onto the bed while I answer it, okay?" He does exactly that.
Seungmin turns his head so he can face the door. He watches them talk briefly. He can barely see Chan's hair. Jeongin is clearly using his body to hide as much of Seungmin from prying eyes as possible. It's not in a possessive way but in a protective way. Seungmin is vulnerable in little space and they're in a foreign country with a fair share of sasaengs following them from stop to stop. Chan hands a grocery bag to Jeongin, who moves it to hold behind the door and they talk for a while before Jeongin turns back to Seungmin.
"Do you want Channie to stay at all, Seungminnie?" He's being careful, even in the words he chooses to say, in case any one else passes by the hallway.
"Jus' Innie." Seungmin mumbles, his face half squished against the blankets.
Jeongin says something back to Chan and Seungmin gets a brief moment where Jeongin moves his head so Chan can look in to smile and wave to him, before Jeongin is stepping back in the room and closing the door.
"I'm gonna get the bath ready, Minnie-baby."
Seungmin waits patiently on the bed as he listens to the water run. He allows himself the small pleasure of sucking on his thumb while he waits. Soon enough Jeongin is back out in the bed area. "Time for bath, little one."
Seungmin holds his arms out towards Jeongin. He's sleepy now, so he's even further into his little space.
There's no difficulty in Jeongin picking him up to carry to the bathroom, "This is why I have to work out all the time, baby. Gotta be able to take care of you, whenever, no matter what."
Seungmin snuggles into Jeongin's neck for the very brief moment he can before Jeongin is setting him down on top of the toilet seat cover. He glances over to the tub and lets out a small squeal at the sight. There are bubbles in the bath and a couple water toys. Seungmin claps in excitement.
Jeongin muses with his hair and helps to begin undressing him, "Had them brought to the hotel and then Channie picked them up for me so I wouldn't have to leave you."
Once Seungmin is stripped completely, Jeongin helps him into the bath and Seungmin lets out more little noises of excitement at the toys.
"Did my little Minnie slip further? You rarely go nonverbal, baby. It's okay that you did. Very cute." Jeongin picks up a washcloth and begins to gently clean Seungmin as he plays.
There's a small boat that Seungmin runs through the water, making it go under and jump out. He makes little "vroom vroom" noises as he does so. He even drives it up along Jeongin's arm, who only laughs and smiles at his antics, uncaring that his clothes are getting wet.
"I need to wash your hair, sweetie." Jeongin says after a while of just letting Seungmin play. "I'm going to hold the washcloth against your forehead so I don't get any soap in your eyes."
It takes them a while to get Seungmin's hair washed because Seungmin decides he does not in fact like having it washed but eventually Jeongin succeeds and starts to drain the tub.
"I'll need you to stand up, just so I can rinse all the bubbles off of you." He unhooks the shower head and holds Seungmin up so he doesn't slip in the water and gives him a quick rinse down with the shower head on the gentlest setting.
He sets a towel down on the floor for Seungmin to step out on and grabs another to towel him off. He goes to grab the hairdryer for a moment before deciding against it and towel drying Seungmin's hair. Once he's done he pulls some clothes that were in the bag out as well as a pair of boxers that he must've grabbed from Seungmin's suitcase when he was cleaning up.
"Channie brought some clothes from my room if you want to sleep in them. Or we can get some of yours. Or if you even want, we can have the guys bring some of theirs." Jeongin offers.
Seungmin points at the clothes in Jeongin's hands. Jeongin helps him dress and then sits him up on the counter.
"I'm going to brush your teeth for you, baby." He says. Seungmin merely nods, his eyes fluttering shut occasionally. It's been a mentally draining day and all he wants is to go to bed.
Jeongin is careful as he brushes his teeth. He's gentle in the way he holds Seungmin's jaw. He helps Seungmin lean over to spit the toothpaste out.
"We're going to skip flossing tonight. You can be mad at me all you want when you're big again but I don't know how to do that safely or hygienically for you."
He carries him back to the bed and starts to tuck him in, which is exactly the moment that Seungmin starts fussing.
"What is it, Minnie-baby? Does something hurt?" Jeongin's voice is calm yet worried as he asks.
Seungmin, wishing he could speak, lets out a small whine before tugging on Jeongin's shirt. He wants him to stay. He doesn't want to sleep alone, in little space, in a bed that isn't his own, in a hotel in a foreign country. He needs some familiarity in the form of Jeongin.
Luckily, Jeongin understands almost immediately. He leans down to kiss Seungmin's forehead. "Can baby stay awake for 5 minutes while I get ready for bed then? I need to change and brush my own teeth."
Seungmin pouts but reluctantly lets go of Jeongin's shirt. Jeongin kisses his forehead one more time before disappearing into the bathroom. Soon enough he is reappearing in a different set of clothes and sliding into the bed with Seungmin. He maneuvers them so Seungmin is tucked against his chest, facing him while they're both on their sides.
"You did so good today, sweetie. I'm happy you were able to be little some. I know it's been really hard on you during the tour. I love taking care of you and have missed my little baby."
Seungmin wriggles closer, his head slowly filling with sleep. In the morning he will express his thanks to Jeongin, but for now this is enough.
"I'll always be here if you need me, baby. No matter how big the emotions or mess. I'll be here to help clean you up and love you, okay? You're my little Minnie-baby."
And it is enough. It will always be enough.