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Eddie Diaz was not doing well.
From the outside, sure, he was the best he’d been in months. He was finally back in L.A. with Chris and the 118. Bobby was alive, somehow, and everyone was still riding the high of getting back someone they thought they’d lost. Eddie was able to tell Bobby how much he meant to him, and Eddie was there. With everyone. Not hours away, in a hometown that couldn't have felt more foreign, losing his loved ones over the phone in the middle of the night. So for all intents and purposes, Eddie was fine. Great, even.
Except that he wasn’t. Because he was in love with Buck.
This wasn’t a problem necessarily, except for the fact that it was Buck. His Buck. Their Buck. The third member of his little family that fit so perfectly into their rhythm, their life. And, Eddie started to think, maybe he fit so well precisely because what they meant to each other was never acknowledged. They moved seamlessly together in the life they’d built, without ever saying a word. Like two people dancing around each other in the kitchen when they both have the recipe memorized, and know to add a dash of pepper as the other one lifts the sauce to their lips. They skirted around acknowledging what they were, instead opting for grand romantic gestures like putting someone in your will or breaking your lease on the spot without actually admitting to the romance of it all.
Buck and Eddie were what they were, and it wasn’t for everyone, but for them it worked. They never really talked about it, though. It just was. Eddie took this for granted, for years, until it hit him that he actually did have something to say. That he loved Buck. He was in love with Buck.
He realized it in parts, not all at once. In the way he felt the smile reach his eyes in a quick shared look with Chris, who was hugging his Buck at home after months apart. In the way he didn’t immediately lose it when he overheard Pepa calling him their Eddie to Buck later that night, and instead felt something deep in his chest slot into place. In the way his body sprang into action before his mind when he saw the news about the building collapse, his duffel packed on the table be damned, because he knew Buck was in there. In the way he let Chim take the phone out of his hand so easily when they got back to the station and felt himself exhale when he finally had an excuse to stay in L.A. that wasn’t “i’minlovewithmybestfriendandicantleavehimagain” or something to that effect.
So, Eddie was in love with Buck. And he needed to do something about it, because it was killing him.
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“You okay, man?” Chim asked, looking up from his phone as Eddie made it to the top of the stairs and took a seat at the table, eyes not leaving the floor.
“Yeah, fine, just a rough call.”
“Tell me about it, my back is going to be feeling that kid for weeks.” Buck piped in, sitting on the couch playing some kind of video game with Hen. “I mean, I’m glad everyone was okay, but did they have to live in a house with that many stairs?” He leaned his body to the right as he said this, racing his car as fast as it could go past the finish line.
“How are you so good at this game, Buck?” Hen moaned, tossing her controller on the couch.
“We have it at home,” Eddie replied before Buck could pretend to have never seen the game before so Hen would be extra impressed (he’d done it with Halo last week).
He didn’t realize what he’d said until everyone else did, until he felt all the air in the room whoosh out the windows and silence fall over the station.
Buck cleared his throat. “Yeah, we, uh,” and paused. “Chris and I like to play it.” That sentence hung in the room next to Eddie’s, not quite enough to get the conversation going again.
Buck was moving out. He’d been “moving out” for over two months. The 118 knew he was moving out, and for the past few weeks Buck and Eddie had been telling their team about packing, apartment hunting, and moving. But Buck hadn’t actually moved out yet because, as Eddie was realizing was kind of their thing, they’d fallen into a rhythm without actually talking about it. Buck didn’t want to move and Eddie didn’t want him to either, and so they worked around it. They found things that were wrong with each apartment Buck toured, made up excuses over dinner like saving gas and how taking care of the backyard was a two-man job, but neither of them actually said “I like living together, we should keep doing this.”
They weren’t lying to their friends, exactly. They were just embellishing where they were in the process. And whether that process had begun in the first place.
Chim and Hen looked at each other, and Bobby, who was sitting next to Chim at the table, kept his eyes glued to his crossword book. “I thought you moved out, Buck,” Ravi said, and Eddie saw Chim kick him beneath the table. “Ow, jeez,” he muttered.
Buck and Eddie looked at each other. As if Buck could read his mind, he took the lead. “I am moving out, we just haven’t found the right place yet. Still looking,” he said, scratching his head.
“Hope you find it soon, Buck,” Hen smiled, pretending not to notice the “we” even though the apartment would be for just Buck. I don’t, Eddie thought, his eyes fixed on Buck’s. I don’t hope you find a place soon. And maybe he really could read Eddie’s mind, because Buck met him with a hint of a smile, and didn’t agree that he hoped he’d find a new place soon.
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One of the many things Eddie loved about having Buck live with him and Chris was his cooking. He’d been into baking while they were gone, Eddie knew, but he didn’t know how much other cooking he had been experimenting with. Like, more than normal. Buck had perfected a few staple recipes that they’d had on rotation in the house since Eddie and Chris got back. Tonight was pasta night, and Buck was making a primavera pasta. Eddie chopped zucchini while Buck tried not to look at the pot of water so it would actually boil. He was on his phone leaning on the island on his elbows, facing the fridge but looking at his screen, and said, “Was that weird, at the station earlier?”
Eddie’s movements on the chopping board paused. “Was what weird?” he replied, playing dumb.
“The thing about me moving out. Or me not moving out yet. Do you think they really cared?”
“Do you care?” Eddie decided it was better to feel out what Buck really brought this up for.
“Do I care that I haven’t moved out or do I care that they know I haven’t moved out?” Buck looked up now, glancing at Eddie, who had resumed chopping.
“Either, both, I don’t know. Why are you asking?” Eddie replied.
“I just don’t want them to think we’re keeping secrets or whatever. After everything with Bobby we all agreed to be, like, extra open with each other. I don’t want them to think we’re being dishonest.” Buck put his phone down, but stayed resting on the island.
Eddie turned around, placing his arms on the counter and leaning back. “I mean,” he started, “we kind of are.”
Buck’s face scrunched up. “Not in a bad way,” Eddie continued, “just- I mean-” he ran a hand through his hair. Told himself not to expect Buck to reply one way or the other. “Do you actually have any intention of moving out any time soon?” He forced himself not to look away.
“No,” Buck said quickly, taking his elbows off the counter and standing up. “Do I need to?”
Eddie smiled softly. “No, of course not. I like ha - I mean we like having you here. As long as you want.”
Buck returned his smile. “You might regret that. I’d still be living with you guys by the time Chris goes to college if it were up to me.”
Eddie’s mouth broke into an “O” shape and he turned around to grab a piece of poorly chopped zucchini to throw at Buck. “I thought we agreed not to say that word, asshole.”
Buck’s grin grew and he caught the zucchini, popping it into his mouth. Eddie turned back around to the cutting board, hoping his fond smile would be out of view.
“I suppose that wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.”
__________________________________
The pasta was, of course, delicious. Eddie could kiss him. Eddie wanted to kiss him. But he settled for staring fondly at Buck across the dinner table while Chris talked their ears off about everything his friends have been catching him up on.
He was so happy to be back, it made Eddie’s heart swell. Nothing confirmed to him that this is where he and his son belonged like seeing Chris slot right back into his old life with a smile on his face.
At a lull in the conversation, Buck’s eyes moved from Chris to Eddie, who was already looking at him. Buck raised his eyebrows slightly, taking another bite of pasta. Eddie nodded.
“Chris?” Eddie began.
“Yeah Dad?”
“You know how Buck and I have been looking for a new place for him?” The grin that had been on Chris’ face from talking about his friends fell.
“Oh, you found a place?” Chris looked at his plate. “When do you move in?” He tried to sound nonchalant, the cool teenager that he was, but the sadness crept into his voice.
It shouldn’t have made Eddie so happy to see his son upset at the thought of Buck leaving, but it did. See, it's not just me, Eddie thought to himself. “About that. What if Buck… stayed here? With us?”
Chris looked up from his food, eyes darting between Buck and his dad. “Really?” He smiled.
“Really, bud,” grinned Buck. “You can’t get rid of me that easily.”
“Thank God. I was worried I’d starve without you.” Chris smiled at him, stuffing a forkful of primavera into his mouth. Buck laughed, much to Eddie’s (fond) dismay.
“Hey! I’ve been getting better, as you both know.”
“Yes dad, you can not burn eggs now. We bow before you, Bobby Flay.” Chris rolled his eyes.
Eddie looked at Buck and smiled. He could get used to this. Playing house with the man he was in love with, wanting wanting wanting but never having. Things could be worse, with Buck smiling at his son like that. Maybe the wanting was enough. Maybe.
“Buck, where are you gonna sleep?”
Eddie choked on his pasta.
__________________________________
In classic Buck and Eddie fashion, they didn’t talk much about sharing a bed. They’d been so good at talking about Buck not moving out, actually both saying out loud that they wanted him to stay, so as far as Eddie was concerned they’d hit their communicating-about-unsaid-things quota for the year.
It wasn’t like they’d never shared a bed. Buck and Eddie had been best friends and partners (though not, he never let himself forget, partners) for close to a decade now. They knew each other, and it wasn’t as weird as it could have been, okay?
Eddie knew that Buck liked to sleep on the left, closest to the window, and that worked out well for Eddie, who always slept on the right, curled towards the bathroom door. When he first got back from the military, he’d had to sleep with a light on in the hall, and then once he moved to L.A. the bathroom, and even though he didn’t need a light on anymore, he still liked to be close to the source.
Where he faced throughout the night and how he woke up in the morning, though, were two different things entirely. Eddie, much to his horror, woke up latched onto Buck like a barnacle on the bottom of a boat. His head was laying on Buck’s chest, his arm was draped over Buck’s torso, and his legs were - Eddie gulped - tangled in Buck’s. Buck’s hand was around Eddie’s shoulders loosely, his other above his head.
Eddie cursed himself twice. Once for Unconscious Eddie betraying him and climbing Buck in his sleep, and once more for Conscious Eddie for not having the strength to peel himself away. Eddie sighed. He really did love Buck. He loved the way Buck exhaled slowly with each breath, his mouth parting and making a little “p” sound. He loved Buck’s messy curls, frizzy with bedhead in the making. He loved the soft of Buck’s grey tank top against his cheek. He loved the way the sunlight streamed in through the window and onto his eyelashes, making them look like little threads of gold.
He loved him even more for not immediately jumping back when he woke up and realized Eddie was practically on top of him, beaming like a lovesick puppy. Instead, Buck smiled. “Morning,” he said, sleep coating his throat. He rubbed his eyes with his free hand.
Eddie picked his head up. “Morning. Sorry for, uh,” he cleared his throat, “climbing you, I guess.” He made no move to un-climb him, though.
Buck grinned. “Do you hear me complaining?” He took his arm that was around Eddie’s shoulders and rubbed circles into his back, softly, and Eddie felt goosebumps erupt in the path Buck was tracing.
Eddie’s mouth twitched to the side of his face and he laid back down on Buck’s chest. “It’s almost six, we have another hour before we have to be up.”
Buck was still tracing spirals on Eddie’s upper back. This was normal. This was fine. There was nothing weird or non-platonic about cuddling in bed with Buck, who now lived here. This was routine. Mundane, even.
Eddie fell back asleep, and woke up an hour later feeling like he could run a marathon.
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A few days later, Buck and Eddie were settling into their new routine. Which, really, had been their routine since Eddie and Chris got back, but now that they’d stopped pretending Buck was moving out they finally relaxed into it. They had a little extra time in the morning to stop for donuts for the 118 before dropping Chris off and heading to the station, and as they walked in Chris noticed an old friend who lived down the street. He stood off to the side talking to her while Buck and Eddie made their way to the front of the line.
“Two dozen donuts and two large iced coffees please. One black with a little whole milk and one with cream and two sugars. And an extra chocolate frosted donut, thanks,” Buck said when they reached the counter. Eddie tucked a small smile into the corner of his mouth.
It’s normal that he knows how I take my coffee and what donut Chris likes, he told himself. We’re best friends, we live together, it would be weird if he didn’t know. Still, the little ember that sat in Eddie’s chest any time he thought of Buck glowed a little brighter.
As they waited for the coffee and donuts, they heard part of Chris’ conversation with the girl behind them.
“I didn’t realize you had two dads. They seem cool,” the girl said.
“They’re cool sometimes, I guess,” Chris replied. Buck and Eddie turned to look at each other, backs still to Chris, thinking the same thing. Why wasn’t he correcting her?
They took the donuts and coffees from the counter, still listening.
“They’re firefighters, dude. That’s definitely cooler than my accountant dad.” she replied.
Chris paused, thinking. “Yeah, I guess they’re pretty cool. My dads are weird about each other sometimes but they’re kind of cute.”
Buck and Eddie turned around at that.
“Chris, what?” Buck asked, his face contorted in an expression that could only be read as painfully confused, exasperated, and… hopeful? Eddie shook his head. No, that couldn’t be right.
“What, you don’t wanna be my dad?” Eddie heard Buck’s voice catch in his throat. Buck’s eyebrows shot up into his hairline. He looked at Eddie desperately, completely out of his depth. Do something, Eddie heard him plead silently, without so much as moving his lips. He got the unspoken memo.
“Ohhh-kay Chris, I think that’s enough. Nice to see you Emma. Let’s go.” Eddie ushered Chris out and they walked to the car.
“What was that?” Eddie asked. He very intentionally did not meet Buck’s eyes, looking pointedly at the gravel in the parking lot.
“You two are the only two people who don’t see that you two are the only thing that makes sense,” Chris scoffed, getting back in the car. “I mean, I don’t think I’m making things awkward here. You guys share a bed happily.”
“Who says we’re happy about it?” Buck said, turning around to look at Chris as he buckled his seatbelt. Ouch, Eddie thought, until he felt Buck’s hand pat his thigh lightly. He met Buck’s eyes and Buck winked. He fucking winked. The wires in Eddie’s brain were too frayed at what Chris had been telling his friend, what he had called them, to fully process this in real time, but he was sure he’d freak out appropriately later.
Already losing interest and on his phone, Chris replied, “Dad doesn’t wake up grumpy anymore.”
Eddie flushed. He kept his eyes trained on the road and pulled out of the parking lot. True, but embarrassing to have had it pointed out. By his son. In front of Buck.
“It’s also convenient. We don’t exactly live in Versailles,” Eddie tried.
Chris took another bite of his donut. “Okay, well you’re about two rings away from saying you’re in a marriage of convenience too. So.” Neither of them said anything in reply to that.
They pulled up to the school. “Bye Dad, bye Buck. Have fun at work!” Chris climbed out of the backseat and walked off, like he hadn’t just read them to filth and created a level of tension in the car previously thought impossible.
“Bye, Chris,” Buck said in a small voice. Chris’ door closed behind him and the two of them sat there for a minute. Buck’s head was in his hands and Eddie’s knuckles were white against the steering wheel.
“We should talk to him later,” Eddie muttered.
Buck picked his head up out of his hands and leaned back against the headrest. “Yeah, probably. ” He paused. “Although…”
Eddie’s head snapped to the right. “What,” he said flatly. More a statement than a question.
“He just - he kind of has a point. I mean, not about the dad stuff, obviously. You’re his dad. Just,” Buck paused.
Eddie finished his thought. “About us?”
Buck nodded.
“I kind of thought he had more of a point about the dad stuff.”
Buck’s face screwed up, then softened into - holy shit Eddie was right earlier - into hope. Soft, tentative hope. Testing the waters. One eyebrow quirked up. “Really?”
Eddie looked down. “I mean, I don’t know how much more of a father figure you could be to him without actually being his father.”
Buck smiled. “I’m glad he knows how much I love him, if nothing else.”
“He does,” Eddie said softly. He picked his head up and looked at Buck. Buck looked at him, and their iced coffees grew more watered down from their melting ice by the second, condensation dripping into the cupholders. Neither made a move to break eye contact.
“Wait, you said he had a point about us?”
Buck coughed, shook his head. “We’re going to be late, we should go.”
__________________________________
“We brought doooouuughnuuuutttss,” Buck sang into the station as he and Eddie walked in.
“Bless the powers that be!” Chim called from upstairs. Buck and Eddie made their way to the kitchen. Hen, Chim, Ravi, and Bobby were upstairs, at the island or the table.
“Welcome boys,” Hen said, grabbing a donut from the box Eddie was holding open for her.
Buck took a donut, split it in half, and Eddie opened his mouth, hands still occupied with the box. Buck placed his half of the donut in Eddie’s mouth.
Hen and Chim shared a wide-eyed glance across the table. Eddie pretended not to notice.
“By the way, so we’re all on the same page, I’m staying with Eddie and Chris,” Buck said casually as he sat down at the table. Eddie smiled through his donut-filled mouth.
Ravi sighed. “Damn, I had an apartment I was going to tell you about later.”
Buck chuckled. “No need, but thanks for thinking of me man,” he said before popping the rest of his donut half into his mouth.
Bobby looked at Eddie. He had a slight twinkle in his eye, Eddie thought. Like he could see right through him. Eddie shivered.
“That’s awesome guys, I’m sure you’re already having fun,” Hen smiled.
Chim nodded. “Yeah, living with your best friend is the best. Maddie and I never have a dull moment, seriously.”
Buck and Eddie looked at each other and smiled. “Yeah we have an okay time, I guess,” Eddie said. He sat down at the table across from Buck. The comparison to Chim and Maddie, who were married, wasn’t lost on Eddie.
“Your poor back though, man,” Chim noted.
Buck tilted his head. “Huh?”
Bobby said, “From sleeping on the couch, he means.”
Eddie looked down. He didn’t let his eyes leave the table. Why did he feel like they were doing something wrong? They’d just told them the truth, that Buck had moved in, and still he felt guilty.
“The couch?” Buck said, and Eddie’s neck stopped holding his head up. It dropped to the table, like maybe if he blocked out the room they wouldn’t focus on him and Buck anymore.
Oh, Buck. Ever earnest Buck, who just wanted to be honest with his team, and who Eddie thought probably didn’t realize how what he’d just said would be received. Surely he didn’t realize, otherwise he wouldn’t have admitted that he wasn’t sleeping on the couch. Right?
Hen cleared her throat as Eddie picked his head back up. She gave him a sympathetic glance.
“Right, sorry,” Bobby said. He started taking papers out of the file he had at the table and putting them back in.
“It’s not what you think,” Eddie began. “We’re not…” he trailed off. Buck shot him a look he couldn’t decipher. Huh.
“I mean,” Ravi tilted his head from side to side. “It is a little bit, right?”
“Ravi,” Hen breathed. Buck slapped his hands to the table as he stood up. “Eddie, a moment?” He made his way to the stairs before Eddie could reply.
Eddie followed him downstairs and into the bunk room. He closed the door gently and met Buck in the middle of the room between the rows of beds. “What’s up?”
Buck took a step towards him. “What are we doing? I feel like every time we talk to them we have something else to not say, or something else they pick up on that makes it weird. I hate it.”
Eddie nodded. “I know. We’re not doing anything wrong though. I mean, Jesus, we’re not even doing anything.” He ran a hand through his hair.
Buck’s eyes were trained on him. There was that look again. The only look of Buck’s that Eddie couldn’t read. He knew when Buck was happy, when he was sad, when he was hurt and hiding it, when he was scared. But he couldn’t crack this one.
“Eddie, I -”
Chimney walked in at that moment, because of course he did, and Eddie took a step back and banged his head on the metal frame of the top bunk behind him. “Shit,” he said, grabbing the back of his head.
“Somehow I sensed you needed a medic,” Chim mused, walking over to look at Eddie. He swatted Chim’s hand away. “I’m fine, asshole.”
Chim put his hands up and took a step back. “My bad, Edmundo. I came in to tell you Cap wants us to go over new equipment procedures. We’re due upstairs in,” he checked his wrist as though he had a watch on, “now.”
What the fuck could Buck possibly have been about to say, standing that close to him? Eddie willed his heart rate to return to normal. He really had to tell Buck about the whole in love with him thing. This might actually be killing him.
__________________________________
Hen was sitting on the couch reading when her phone rang. “Eddie? What’s up?” she said, picking up the phone and tucking it between her chin and shoulder.
“Hey, Hen.” Eddie was also on the couch. Buck was at Maddie’s with Jee and Bobby, and Chris was in his room. Eddie played with the condensation beads on his beer bottle. He touched his finger to the water drops, watching them disappear as they spread onto his finger. He took a deep breath. “Do you have a minute? I need advice.”
Hen, ever intuitive, put her book down and sat up a bit straighter. “Is it about Buck?” she asked gently. Instead of feeling exposed and embarrassed, Eddie was relieved.
“Yes,” he said simply. “I think I want to tell him.” He knew Hen would know what he meant. He was, at this point, relatively certain that if he said that sentence to almost anyone in their lives, they’d know exactly what he meant. Except for Buck.
Hen was already putting on her shoes. “I’ll be over in twenty.”
Seventeen minutes later, she was at Eddie’s door with a bottle of wine in hand. Eddie opened the door already holding two glasses, having finished his beer moments after they hung up.
“Hi,” Eddie said simply.
Hen looked at him. “Hi.”
Eddie stood back from the door. “Come in, sorry. Thanks for the wine,” he said, taking the bottle from Hen and screwing the top off. He poured two generous glasses as they made their way to the couch. They both sat down.
Eddie took a sip. “So,” he began, “I’m in love with Buck.” It wasn’t as scary as it would have been telling Buck himself, of course, but Eddie still felt his heart pick up as he let the words hang between them.
Hen, to her credit, didn’t react in any one way. She just nodded, crossing her legs and leaning back against the couch cushion. “Okay, that’s great. How do you feel about it?”
Eddie’s mouth twitched into a small smile. “I feel okay. Good because it’s Buck, obviously, and he’s the best. But obviously I'm also scared.”
Hen nodded. “That makes sense. It’s a lot to process. How long have you known?”
Eddie thought for a minute. “Hm. I’ve known for a couple months, but I’ve been in love with him for way longer than that.”
Hen smiled. “That makes sense too. Was it being away in Texas that made you realize?”
“Damn Wilson, you are reading me like a book,” Eddie said, taking a sip of wine and raising his eyebrows playfully at her over the top of his glass.
She chuckled.
“It was, kind of. I think once I got away, and realized how much I missed him, I started to think about us and the way we are with each other. And then when I got back I kind of realized it in parts, until it just became a truth I couldn’t avoid. I’m Eddie, I have a son, I’m a firefighter, I’m in love with Buck. There wasn’t really an aha moment because it’s always been there, in some form.”
Hen smiled at Eddie warmly. “You two are adorable and you’re not even together yet. I swear,” she shook her head fondly. Eddie cocked his head.
“Yet?” he asked. He set down his wine. “You seem to think this can only go well. What if I tell him and he freaks out and everything blows up?”
“I don’t know that this will only go well. I’m confident because it’s you and Buck but you’re right. There’s no way to know for sure how he’ll react,” Hen said.
Eddie looked at her. “I don’t want to lose him,” he told her.
“I know. But being in love with your best friend and not saying anything? Trust me. You’ll lose him anyway, slowly, so slowly that you don't realize until it’s too late. But if you do tell him, you have a chance to have him for real and continue to build the life we’ve all seen you start to build the past few years. You just have to be willing to risk it for that chance.”
When she put it like that, Eddie realized, there was no question.
“I want a life with him. It’s worth the risk.”
__________________________________
This was fine. He could do this. He had a Silver Star, for God's sake. He could tell his best friend that he was in love with him. No sweat.
“Hey, can we talk?” Eddie asked, not looking up from his beer. He and Buck were sitting on their - no, Eddie’s - no, their - couch, drinking beer and pretending to watch baseball.
“Uh, sure? Is everything ok?” Buck asked, immediately on guard. It had been a long few months, with too many emotional ups-and-downs to count, and his mind raced to the worst. “Shit, are you sick? Is it Chris? I knew he was acting weird earlier. What does he ha-” Eddie put his arm out to the side and laid his hand on Buck’s shoulder, still facing forward and not making eye contact. Buck paused.
“Nobody’s sick, Buck. Nothing’s wrong.” Eddie said softly. “I just need to tell you something.” He set his beer down and turned to face Buck on the couch, sitting with his legs crossed. Eddie took a deep breath.
Buck mirrored his body language, putting his beer on the coffee table and sitting facing him too. He twisted beneath Eddie’s hand, which hadn’t left his shoulder. “You’re scaring me, Eddie. What’s going on? Do I have to move out? I just finished unpacking-”
“No, no, I just have to tell you something,” he repeated. “It’s nothing bad, I promise.” Eddie paused. “Well, I hope it’s nothing bad. I guess that’s up to you, really,” he chuckled dryly. He was making this harder than it had to be.
Buck said, “okay?” more as a question than anything else, and looked at Eddie like he was trying to find the answer in his eyes. Eddie removed his hand from Buck’s shoulder and took a deep breath.
“I did a lot of thinking while I was in El Paso. And even before, after Chris left. About my patterns and about what happened and everything that led up to the whole Kim disaster. And I realized a couple things. For years, I’ve been putting myself in situations and relationships I knew would never work. I tried so hard to love them, but it just felt like playing house. I couldn’t get myself to go all in, even when I tried to do what I thought was right. My heart wasn’t in it, and deep down I knew it never would be, but I stayed, which wasn’t fair to them.”
Eddie exhaled and paused. Buck was looking at him, expression unreadable. Blank. Like he was so focused on making sure Eddie knew he was paying attention that he’d forgotten to have a reaction. Buck nodded slightly, sensing there was more, and Eddie kept going.
“And all these years, in all these relationships, I would freak out when someone got too close. When someone called Ana my wife. When Marisol and Chris started to really get along. I would get claustrophobic, like there was no room for them in my family. And part of that was because I wasn’t all in with any of them, so it didn’t feel right to have them that close. But there was another part. You.”
Keep going, you’re doing great, Eddie thought. Just like Hen had said. One word at a time. He was so focused on not messing up or chickening out that he barely registered Buck’s reaction as he spoke.
“There was no room for them in my family because my family was already complete. With you. I don’t want anyone else, I don’t want anything else. Just you. You, me, and Chris. That’s all I need, because I’m in love with you. I’ve been slowly, irreversibly falling in love with you for years, without even realizing it. And when I was in El Paso, I felt like my heart was living outside my body. At first I thought it was because of Chris, but I still felt it when he moved back in. This was something entirely new, something I couldn’t name for a while. I realized a couple months ago what it was. That I was - am - in love with you.”
Buck was still sitting quietly and patiently. He was starting to smile, though. That’s good, Eddie thought. He took another big breath, like he was at his own birthday party and wanted to blow all the candles out in one go. In and out.
“And I’ve been ridiculously scared to tell you, obviously. Because it means admitting to one of the two people in this world I care most about that I’m in love with him. But I realized that even if you don’t feel the same way, I won’t lose you. I’m not afraid of that anymore. I know you’ll still be there because you have been the one constant in my life since I met you. Shannon died, Chris went to El Paso, I left the 118, girlfriends have come and gone, but you’ve always been here. So I know it’ll be okay. Or at least I hope it’ll be okay enough to tell you anyway and risk it.”
As Eddie poured his heart out, Buck smiled. Slowly at first, tucked into the left side of his mouth. Then bigger. And bigger. With every word his lips parted a bit more, until by the end of Eddie’s speech Buck was grinning from ear to ear.
“Thank you,” Buck said.
Eddie’s face fell, but only slightly. Buck was grinning. And not an evil smirk - Eddie knew the difference on Buck - but a genuine, eyes-lit-up smile. Surely if he was going to react poorly to Eddie’s confession he wouldn’t look like that right now.
Eddie squinted. “Did you seriously just do the I love you, thank you thing right now?” His heart was pounding. He could barely hear himself over the thumpthumpthump.
“No, no, I mean thank you for telling me first. I was so scared.” Buck said, completely earnest. His eyes were still light, as if no part of this conversation was heavy. Just happy. And he was still smiling.
Eddie’s brain short circuited. Going… first. Going first, Eddie thought. Trying to work it out. Eddie told Buck he loved him, and that was first. If that was first, and Buck was too scared to go first, he… Eddie was sure Buck could see the gears turning in his brain as he worked it out. His eyes darted around the room, and then it hit him.
Oh. Oh.
When Eddie’s gaze returned to Buck he found warm eyes waiting for him. Full of light, and knowing. Buck smiled, softer this time, and he nodded. There was that look, and Eddie realized he knew what it meant now.
“I love you too,” he began, still smiling. That smile Eddie loved so much. “I love you so much I think my heart is going to explode from the weight of it sometimes. I think I always have, even when I hated you.”
“You hated me for, like, less than twenty four hours,” Eddie pointed out.
“Yeah, well, I loved you way back then, when I hated you. And I love you now.” Buck took his hand. “We can do this, you know. I know you, and I know you’re freaking out even though you said you wouldn’t lose me. Which is obviously true. But still. I know you’re scared.”
Eddie exhaled. “I’m really scared,” he whispered. “We can’t fuck this up.”
Buck nodded. “We won’t. It’s in our control. We love each other. That only has to be enough once. And it will be, I promise.” He smiled. “It already is.”
God, Eddie loved him.
Eddie smiled. “You’re right,” he said, taking Buck’s other hand and placing it on his own chest, then covering it with his palm. “This is enough.”
Buck leaned in slightly, waiting. “Can I kiss you?” he breathed, eyes trained on Eddie’s lips.
“Please,” Eddie exhaled, and his lips met Buck’s.
Oh, Eddie thought, this is what it should feel like. And then all his brain could think was static.
They moved against each other gently, like they knew they weren’t in a rush. This was a first, not a last. Eddie brought his hands up to cup Buck’s cheeks as Buck laid one arm on the back of the couch and let his other come up to the nape of Eddie’s neck.
Eddie leaned back and let Buck press him into the couch, not letting their lips part. Buck sighed slightly, and Eddie tasted his exhale. He could live here forever, he thought. Attached at the lips to Buck on their couch. He needed little else.
They parted after a couple minutes but neither went far. Eddie could see every detail of Buck’s face as they held themselves in the moment, just staring and smiling.
“Hi,” Eddie whispered.
“Hi,” Buck said. “I love you.”
Eddie grinned. “I know. I love you too. How crazy is that?”
Buck sat up, extending a hand to pull Eddie back to sitting position with him. He kept his hand in Eddie’s. “It’s pretty crazy. But it also feels like it was inevitable. Like we’d always end up here somehow.”
Eddie laid his head on Buck’s chest, slotting under his arm, so they were sitting wrapped up in each other on the couch. “I agree.” He ran a hand over his face. “God, I’m so happy right now. How’d we get so lucky?”
Buck laughed. “We spent years building this life, getting here. Building a foundation for our family.”
Eddie’s heart dropped into his stomach like he was on a roller coaster. Our family. Buck had called them a family.
Buck felt Eddie tense ever so slightly. “Sorry,” he began tentatively, “was that too much?”
Eddie looked at him. “No, no, it's just… it’s kind of everything I’ve ever wanted?”
Buck smiled. “Me too.”
Eddie leaned back against Buck. Maybe he wasn’t doing so bad after all.