Work Text:
January 26th, 2029
Hi papa. I turned ten years old today. The last time I wrote a letter to you was when I was four. That was when mama called me her good little girl. I still am good, but I’m a big girl now. That was before I knew you passed away. I don’t ask mama about you very much anymore. She won’t tell me how you died, but she always says she will when I’m a bit older. That’s okay, I know she has a hard time talking about you. She was happy with me today. She got me a cake with red frosting and presents. I like reading, so she got me lots of books this year. I didn’t have a big party, but the other kids at school wished me a happy birthday.
Mama told me once that my eyes are a lot like yours were, and that my hair is the same color too. I like my eyes a lot. Mama’s are very pretty too, but mine are a bit darker. I still wonder though. I know that she was only barely seventeen when she had me. You were probably about the same age as her. That means you’d be about twenty seven now, like mama.
Mama is always super busy with work. I don’t see her much aside from when we eat dinner, so today was special cause I got to spend more time with her. She stays in her office a lot. She says it’s so she can pay for me to go to a good private university after I’m done with school. I tried to ask her what she actually does for work one time and she said I wouldn’t understand it yet. That’s basically the same answer she gives me when I ask about you. I’ve seen the books on her shelf and they all have titles about something called metaphysics. I haven’t heard of that in school before. Mama is always right, so if she says I wouldn’t understand it yet, then I won’t try to.
I do well in school because mama says I have to. One time, I only got an 81% on a math test, because I didn’t study at all, and I think mama knew that I didn’t, and she was upset at me. She said that I need to be the best of the best to get what I want in life. So I study hard for every test now. If I’m gonna be mama’s good girl, then I want to do good things. If I have to study hard all the time to make mama happy then I will.
I started learning about writing essays with lots of paragraphs in school a few days ago, so I wanted to practice by writing a letter to you. Even though I know you can’t read it. I’m not sure that I’ll tell mama that I wrote this. I don’t want to make her sad by talking about you. You know what, I’ll keep this letter in my closet, under some of my animal friends, so I can read it again whenever I want. Berry the tiger has always been a good friend. Maybe I’ll write more letters too. If I do, I’ll also put those ones in my closet. Oh, I’m not upset at you for dying either. Like mama says, I’ll understand one day.
March 19th, 2031
Hi papa. Mama told me that her father passed away. That was the first time she ever told me anything about him. I knew he existed, of course, because everyone’s got a father. Anyways, mama said we wouldn’t be going to his funeral. When I asked her why, she said that she didn’t agree with him on very many things. Her voice was similar to how it got when I asked about you, so I didn’t ask what they didn’t agree about. I could tell she was sad though.
Thinking about grandfather’s funeral got me thinking about yours. There must have been a lot of people there, knowing how important you were to mama. I must have been there too, but as a baby. Maybe mama was still pregnant then. Oh well, mama keeps saying she’ll tell me more about you one day.
June 6th, 2031
Happy birthday, papa. Mama was crying in her office today. I’ve seen her sad before, but never crying like this. I was biking around with one of my friends from school, and when I got home, mama wasn’t in the kitchen. I thought that was weird, cause she normally would have started cooking dinner by then. So I went to check her office, and when I got closer to the door, I could hear her through it.
I opened the door to see what was wrong, but she didn’t say anything at first. After staring at me for a few seconds, she started sobbing louder. I walked around her desk to give her a hug, and after holding her for a while, her tears stopped. I told her that I should go get Berry, cause he helped her be happy some times before, but she said that me being there was enough. I asked her why she was crying, and she told me it was your birthday today. That you would have been thirty years old. I wanted to ask her more about you, but I didn’t.
I haven’t written one of these letters to you since mama’s father died. I read those other ones and thought I should write another cause it’s your birthday. Anyways, I wanted to tell you that I wish you were still around so that mama wouldn’t be so lonely. She still spends a lot of time in her office. She has me, but she never talks about anyone other than some people that I think she works with.
I promise that I’ll write to you again sometime. I think I’m getting really good at it, cause I get the best grades in class and my teachers always say my essays are good. Maybe once I’m in my prep classes in a few years, I’ll think I’m an even better writer. Mama says I need to keep working hard to get into those. Until next time.
October 15th, 2034
Hey papa. Here I am writing, as promised. Sorry, it’s been a couple years. I’m super busy with school and clubs these days. I’m really good at playing the violin. I started doing that soon after the last letter. I sorta understand how mama feels with work now. Was she always such a hard worker when you knew her? I’m sure she was. That ability doesn’t just grow on trees. With how hard she pushes me, I’m sure she did the same to you, if not even harder in some ways.
You two probably met in school, and I bet she fell head over heels for you when she saw how smart you were. There’s no way she would have gotten into a relationship with you otherwise. I’ve learned by now to never discuss you in front of her. I know it’s a very sore subject, but I always wonder about what you were like. She said that she’ll tell me one day, so I have to believe her. I’ve gotta get back to my math homework. I took a break and saw Berry looking at me from the closet, and it made me think of these letters, so that’s why I wrote this one. I’ll try to write again.
September 28th, 2035
Hi again papa. After classes let out today, a boy at school asked me to go on a date with him sometime soon. No boy had ever done that before, so I didn’t know how to react. He’s a very cute boy. Smart too, he’s always answering questions when the professors ask in class. I hadn’t really looked at him before he was standing directly in front of me earlier today, but the way he approached right after class caught me off guard. I stuttered and told him that I’d let him know if I could tomorrow. Then I ran off before I could hear his response to that.
You and mama probably went on a lot of fun dates. I know you both had to be young when you met, but it was probably a lot of fun. I think my dream date would be out on a boat. I’ve never been on one of those before, but I love the water. When I was younger, mama took me to the lake nearby a lot. We haven’t done that in a while. Probably because she’s always so busy. Maybe you and mama had dates like that before. On a boat, or at a beach. She’s never gone on a date that I can remember. I’m sure she still loves you a lot, so that must be why.
I don’t know if I have the time to go on dates yet, with almost all of it going to my studies. Mama would definitely not think that I do, so that’s why I’ve come to tell you about all of this. Besides, if I bring up that a boy with eyes and hair like mine asked me out, she’ll surely think of you somehow. I don’t want to get her down by talking about something like that.
May 9th, 2036
Hello papa. Today, mama said some things that I found odd. When we were eating dinner, I asked her if she had ever lived in a country other than Germany before. She said that she hadn’t, other than on short vacations out of the country when she was a child. To other places in Europe, and a short trip to the United States. She didn’t mention anything about Asian countries, which I thought was weird considering our family name is clearly eastern in origin.
I pointed that out to her, and she said it was just a coincidence. The problem with that was that she said it using the same tone of voice she takes whenever you happen to come up. I guess I’ve always known I was Asian of some sort, but I didn’t really ever think about it very hard. No one ever picked on me in school or anything like that. It never came up.
I think a lot of countries took in Japanese refugees after the Third Impact, so someone that looked like me was a more common sight in Germany by the time I was growing up. Were you one of them? It would explain why you were here to be able to meet mom, at least. The only things they really taught us about that region of the world in school was related to the Third Impact. How life on Earth ended for a brief moment, but was by some miracle able to return. No one, literally no one, understands what happened. I’m starting to think mama’s work is related to figuring that out.
My own studies at school are geared towards architecture. New buildings are always being propped up, so I figured that would be a safe route monetarily. Mama was not happy when I told her that I made my decision to do that. She wanted me to study her field, but there’s no jobs in that area at all.
Mama puts her textbooks out there somehow, but I don’t think anyone’s really buying. The field is joked about by all of my peers, anyways. They say it caused the Impacts. So you get made fun of if you talk about studying it seriously. I think the money we have is all inheritance from her father. Thinking about him, I just realized that she’s never told me anything about her mama. There must be a reason I can’t know about that either. We get by more than fine enough, but I think that one of the reasons she’s sad a lot is because her life’s work is mostly shunned. I can’t talk about that with her, however. I’m just saying it must weigh on her.
That was a lot, wasn’t it papa? When I write to you, I feel like a weight is lifted off of my own shoulders. I know you can’t ever read these, so that must be why. Yelling into the void and all that. Like about that boy in the last letter. We never did go on a date, but he moved away shortly after. Oh well. Back to my original point, you must have been Asian of some descent, probably Japanese. I wish she would just tell me about you. I don’t understand what there is to keep hidden, I’m seventeen. I’m a few months older now than she was when she gave birth to me.
May 14th, 2036
Papa, surely you knew the phrase, ‘curiosity killed the cat’, right? Today, I think I’m becoming the proverbial cat. Mama left the apartment to run an errand or two, and I snooped around in her bedroom, looking for clues about you. In her closet, I found a small locked box. Not much larger than the type of cardboard ones that new sneakers come in. The box itself has a four number combination on it. I’m nearly certain that I know what bunch of four numbers will open it. Your birth date, ‘0606’. Ever since I can remember, she holds thoughts of you incredibly close to the chest. It makes perfect sense that a literal locked box in her closet would have information about you in it.
I won’t know until I try to open it, of course, but I don’t know if I really want to. I put the box back where I found it, and I tried to make it look like it wasn’t moved. Mama got home and started cooking only about fifteen minutes ago. I have no idea what could possibly be inside, but there’s two scenarios I see ahead now. The first is that I tell her I know it exists, and try to get her to explain it. You know how she would get if I tried that one, so that’s not happening.
The second, and probably only way I’m ever going to find out more about you, is by trying to open it myself. I just have to wait until she’s out of the house again to go for it. Writing that last sentence convinced me. I’m going to try. I need to know more about you.
May 17th, 2018
I’m sorry.
There, I said it. Well, I wrote it. Since I know that’s what you’d want to hear from me. I don’t think I really mean it. Since I got back to Germany a couple weeks ago, I’ve not been able to stop thinking about you and your sad eyes. Or that look when I told you I was leaving that morning. Your sobs, as I packed my things over the next few hours. Your pleading, as I walked out the door to the car I had already arranged for the UN to pick me up with the night before. I may have shed a tear on the ride to the airport.
I was right about father, he would never have allowed you anywhere near me here. Apparently he divorced the woman he replaced my mama with sometime in the last couple years. Not like I care. The couple times I’ve started to mention you, he shuts me down quickly. If I had brought you along just for him to force you to go back to Japan, I don’t think I could have handled that. I definitely don’t know why I’m still writing on this stupid piece of paper. I think I feel a little better though. So, thanks, I guess.
February 1st, 2019
I gave birth six days ago, she’s definitely yours. Not like there was another option anyway. You each have the same eyes. I think she’ll have your hair too. She doesn’t have much, but there’s no chance that it will be the same color as mine. She might have my nose. I can’t really tell yet. They said she was smaller than she should be, but that she’s a healthy baby otherwise. She hasn’t cried a lot so far. She’s very loud when she does however, even though she’s so small. I don’t know how that works. I haven’t decided on a name for her yet.
When I found out, I tried to hide it from father. That wasn’t possible for very long. He never said it to me directly, but I could tell he was very upset. I wanted to have her, but I knew that he wouldn’t have let me terminate at that point even if I didn’t. The hospital I gave birth in was the first place I’d been at other than the house in nearly five months, because he told me I couldn’t go anywhere looking how I did. I’m not sure why I listened to him. He even made me hide in my room when guests came over for Christmas.
You want to know what the first thing he said to me was? After she came out, I mean. It was as the nurses were letting me hold her for the first time. Somehow, he looked at us with a straight face, and said that I should think about giving her up. I told him to get out. Tonight is her first night at father’s house. His servants offered to help me with her, but I’m not going to let them. I haven’t even seen father since I told him to get away from me. When I do, I’m going to tell him I’m moving out. I can study and take care of her by myself. I don’t need him to tell me what to do anymore. I have no idea why I wrote this, as if I’d ever send it to you. You haven’t even tried to contact me yourself.
March 12th, 2023
She is such a smart girl. She obviously gets that from me, though I guess you were never really as stupid as I said you were back then. She’s learning and growing at a rate I didn’t even understand myself. What made me realize it was when she asked about you yesterday. Not by name of course. I’ve never even talked to her about you, but she asked me where her papa was. I looked into your eyes as they stared up at me, and I froze. She could tell that I had too, because the next thing she asked was if she made me upset. I picked her up, and told her that her mama loves her, like I always do. That seemed to work.
I have no clue why she asked something like that. Maybe she saw one of the other child's fathers at her kindergarten. It’s certainly nothing that would’ve come from seeing my father. The last time that I even saw him was when I said goodbye to move into the apartment. Whatever it was, her asking of course made me think of you. I hadn’t for a while, but I haven’t been able to stop since. I’ve given up on you ever reaching out to me though. It’s been almost five years.
Maybe I hurt you too badly with the way I left, but I’d do it like that again if I had to. No one else that we knew came back in the over two years after Third Impact before I left. Misato didn’t come back. Hikari didn’t. The other idiots you called your friends didn’t either. I don’t even know if Kaji could’ve, but he didn’t. They covered everything up, and kept us in the dark. I had no choice but to try to restart back home. Now I’m too deep into my metaphysics research to even think about never having started on it.
I couldn’t have raised a child in Japan anyway, not with the rebuilding going on there. I’m choosing to believe that you’re deeply involved in those efforts, and that that’s why you haven’t tried to contact me. I think writing these letters I’ll never send helps me to calm down. Another thing that I can’t actually ever thank you for.
June 6th, 2023
Hi papa! Mama says I can write you a letter! I’m four years old! Mama always says I’m good and smart and she loves me a lot. Okay, bye papa!
She asked about you again. Of course it had to be on your birthday. I hadn’t come up with something to say since the last time, so on the spot I told her that we’ll write you something. She is an incredibly smart girl. Now that I think about it, I’m sure I wrote that in the last one. I fold these up and throw them into a lockbox in my closet the instant I’m done writing them. I don’t ever want to look at them again. I talk to her in both German and English, and I think she’s learning how to read and write using both languages way faster than other children her age. I think I’ll even be able to get her into a proper school early. My name has a lot of influence, of course.
I had to help her out a little bit with the spelling and grammar, but I’m proud of her. I think you would be too. Now that she’s done it once, I’m sure she’ll ask if she can ‘write’ to you some more. If it keeps her distracted for a bit longer, then it works for me. It’ll be good writing practice for her anyway. She’ll notice eventually that you aren’t responding, but I’ll figure something else out by then. You know, actually, I’m going to have to make a show of putting this thing into an envelope to convince her. See what you got me into? I have no idea what I’m going to tell her about you once she’s old enough to possibly be able to understand. Not the truth, that’s for sure.
September 23rd, 2023
Hello papa! I’m four and a half. Mama says she’s almost twenty two. How old are you? What’s your favorite color? I like red and purple a lot. Strawberries are red. They taste good. Purple flowers are my favorite. So that’s why. Mama likes those colors too. She says they’re good, like me.
She’s not wanted to ‘write’ to you as much as I thought she would, but I’m more than okay with that. She said another girl in her class asked her how old her mama and papa were, so she saw it fit to ask you yourself. I don’t know how many more times I’ll be able to take her bringing you up. Whenever she does, I can’t help but think about you for amounts of time that are distracting to my work. The next time she does, I’m going to have to make something up.
December 24th, 2023
I told her you were dead. I mean, I wasn’t that blunt about it, but I got her to think that you were no longer alive. We were strolling through a market near where we live. The lights were colorful, the tree was as tall as ever. She must have seen other children with their parents throughout the evening. I’m sure that’s what jogged her mind to think about her papa again, at least. She asked me why you weren’t with us, walking around. I made up an excuse there in public, and she bought that then, but when we got home, she asked me if you would be here tomorrow. For Christmas day. If you would celebrate with us. So I lied and told her that her father was dead. On Christmas Eve. Probably the first one she’ll ever remember too. What the hell is wrong with me?
I don’t think that she really understood what I meant, though. I don’t think children really get what death is. We didn’t either back then, when we were piloting. She could tell that I was getting upset though. So she grabbed her favorite stuffed animal, Berry. Red strawberry scented tiger in tow, she climbed up next to me on our couch to cuddle. She said that Berry would help me feel better, because that’s what he does for her.
I told her that was Berry’s job when I first gifted him to her a year ago around this time. That he’d be her friend to talk to if she felt sad. Probably because I knew I couldn’t deal with her if she were to ever get like that. She eventually fell asleep laying next to me, so I took her and Berry to her bed after I noticed. I kissed her forehead, and whispered that I loved her, like I always do. That was all barely ten minutes ago. I came straight to my office room and started writing this.
Why can’t I just call you? I still have your number. Your old one anyways. Knowing you, you probably never changed it. I’m trying so hard to do this on my own. And I have no other choice at this point. Our bed was made when neither of us reached out to the other for almost five years. Now I’m going to crawl into my bed, and cry myself to sleep for Christmas. Hope yours is merry too.
July 17th, 2025
Hi papa! Mama and I had fun today at the lake. We go there sometimes in the summer when it gets really hot. Berry came with us too! We made a castle with the bucket we brought, and I had fun swimming. Then the sun was going down, so mama and I watched it while sitting on our towels. The sky was so pretty, it had both of my favorite colors.
We went to the lake by our apartment this evening. I’ve taken her there in the summer many times before today, when I could pull myself away from work. I’m not sure that I’m going to ever again. I don’t know why it happened today, but as we sat there, when the sunset started, I thought of you. And that horrible beach we came back to.
I almost vomited all over the sand, right then and there. She could tell something was wrong, and for some reason I told her I had a memory about you. Because I couldn’t come up with a better excuse, she wanted to ‘write’ to you again solely because I brought you up. I still don’t think I can ever tell her the truth about you.
Japan seems to be doing well enough with reconstruction whenever I catch a bit of news. You probably forgot about me by now. Funny how that works out. I ran away so that I could try to, and as luck would have it, the powers that be stuck me with something that made it so I never could. And I love her dearly. She’s really the only reason I’m still going. Her smile can and has brightened up the worst days.
May 17th, 2036
The jig is up. She finally figured it out today. If I had known that I’d have been able to keep up the act for nearly her entire life to this point, I’d give myself a pat on the back for a job well done. Except, this is all about you, and I hate myself for going about it the way I did. I wish I knew back then what I know now. Sometime in the last few years, I think I realized why it hurt so bad that I left. I’m pretty sure I loved you. I just needed to get away from Japan, and everything that spiraled out of that action has been a regret. The only parts I don’t, are related to the time spent raising our daughter. Who is currently screaming and crying, locked in her bedroom. She didn’t tell me she hated me though. Not yet anyways.
I haven’t shed a tear for you in a long time. Assuming that you are actually still alive, I think the only restitution for this situation is to have you meet our daughter. Or, at least, somehow let you know she exists. I’ve thought about this a lot since she’s been a teenager. I don’t know why I believed I could actually keep her from you for her entire life. She would have found out eventually somehow, even if she hadn’t now. She’s still so incredibly smart. All my old UN contacts can probably get me in touch with you if I asked them to. You were really never more than an arm’s reach away, this whole time, and I deluded myself into thinking that everything would be okay.
She read through all of my original letters to you. The ones I never sent. The ones that spelled out so incredibly clearly that I had been lying to her about you. Turns out, she had been writing letters to you over the last however many years too. Completely unbeknownst to me. She had them out on the floor next to mine when I got home. I’ve spent the last hour or so reading over them. I think that you need to read them too.
When I entered the apartment through the front door like I always do, and saw her sprawled out on the floor with the box at her side, bawling her eyes out, something broke in me. I’ve been broken for a long time I think, but that was the last string I had. I can’t keep running from you anymore. Not after seeing her like that. I’m going to figure out how to package all of these letters to send to you. I don’t know where you live exactly, but I’m sure you’re still in Japan. I trust my UN people to be able to get it to you.
I’ve included a method for you to contact us on a card. It should be what’s on top of the letter stack when you first open the package. Maybe you’d want nothing to do with me. I accepted that possibility nearly fifteen years ago. But at least, take the time to meet your daughter. I have to say that I ended up being able to give her that, at least. I’m so sorry. Please, if you can, accept my apology. If not for me, then for her.
A thirty something year old Shinji rose from his bed, smacking down on the alarm clock that blared him awake. He loved these old clocks, they were way more effective than the alarm apps on all of his personal devices. The calendar on his wall in the kitchen said today’s date is June 6th, 2036. It was his birthday today. Not much to celebrate, really.
He’s tried to live a pretty normal life. Well, as normal as can be for the man once a boy that initiated Third Impact, and attempted to put his entire past before the age of twenty behind him. He never married. The woman he knows he loved was off in Germany, and he’ll never see her again. He’s absolutely certain that she would have contacted him sometime in the last eighteen years if she wanted anything to do with him, but he’s simply never found it in himself to be able to move on.
His birthday is still a day he always took off from work, however. It was a simple excuse to be able to relax for a day. He felt his past earned him that. He was heavily involved in the restoration of Japan after Third Impact throughout his twenties, but he found himself working a standard office job now. His days of action were far behind him. When he stepped out onto his apartment walkway to go for a morning jog, there was a decently sized package already laying at his door front. Shinji picked the box up to peek at the return address—as he did not recall ordering anything. What he saw nearly caused him to faint.
He rushed back inside, almost tripping over himself, and slammed the box down onto his kitchen table. He realized he should take it easy, after considering the sender again, and slowly cut the package open, peering inside. The first thing he saw was a red stuffed tiger. It smelled like strawberries. He then took in the sight of a good sized stack of papers, with a small card laying atop them. He spent nearly the next three hours of his early morning slowly reading through the letters. When he was finished, he picked up the card, and pulled his phone out of his pocket. He dialed the number on it with incredibly shaky hands. It rang only twice, and he was connected. The person who answered on the other end spoke first.
“Papa?”