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Tommy had not been feeling the best the last few weeks. His negative feelings, his trauma, and his paranoia all mixing together like some sort of fucked up cake. Not to mention the fact that lately he’s been having a relapse of the mindset he had during his exile, mostly the things relating to Dream.
Not that this hasn’t happened before at times, it's very easy to slip into unhealthy mindsets about abusers, especially for Tommy. But this go around felt different. Maybe what differed was that this time, only a month or so ago, Wilbur had left him crying on a beach. Maybe. Tommy wasn’t so sure himself.
Now, Tommy has had quite a few… interesting coping mechanisms over the years. Throwing himself into doing work to get his mind off things, drinking invisibility poisons, biting into a golden apple or two, however, there's been one that had stuck around pretty much since his time in Pogtopia.
When he told Puffy about it during his .. “Therapy Sessions”, she had looked up his experiences on “her experienced psychologist site”, (which was… very likely just google) and she had told him about something called age regression. Tommy at the time probably joked about how the term was quite on the nose of what it was, but he was honestly just glad to have a name for what he had been experiencing.
Because Tommy had age regressed, quite a lot. Sometimes voluntarily, usually involuntary, he regressed. Based on what Puffy told him about it usually being a coping mechanism for trauma, it made a lot of sense. And although he has been doing this for a while, it’s been happening a lot more frequently again. To help him cope with his current problems, he guessed.
While for the most part it had helped, there were also times it was just like adding more gasoline to the fire of his hurt.
Outside, he could hear the crickets chirping as night settled over the server. He lied on his bed, eyes brimming with tears as he stared at his communicator, and held onto his stuffed animal of a cow. That familiar blanket of feeling younger had been around all day. Most of which he had spent laying in bed, drawing, or crying.
He needed to talk to someone, he needed some sort of sense of comfort from someone, and he didnt want to bother Tubbo again, as he had already been dealing with a lot since Ranboo passed, and Tubbo didnt really fit the quota of who he felt the comfort was needed from. He had been trying his best to push it to the back of his mind so he wouldn’t do anything unsafe, but fuck. He really just needed a hug from Dream.
Thinking it over just made him cry more, his tears falling onto the pillow beneath his head. He missed his friend Dream. He missed his hugs, especially the ones from after he’d been crying during his exile, even if Dream was the source of those tears, even if the hugs felt like getting trapped. He missed the comfort Dream would give him, he missed the pats on the head, the assuring that Dream was there for him when all his other friends hadn’t visited in days.
This didn’t stop the overwhelming fear that fogged his head when he simply just thought of the man, however. The dread that ate him up inside when he thought of even just talking to him again, or seeing him again. Despite his missing of him, he also hated him with nearly every fiber of his being. He curled in on himself a bit, hugging his stuffed toy tighter. His thumb had made its way to his mouth, a self-soothing thing he had a tendency to do when small.
Still though, he did long for his friend.
Suddenly, Tommy had heard a boom from somewhere out on the SMP. Nearby, but far away enough that it was muffled. It was likely a sign that there was a new creeper hole amongst the many other creeper holes across the land. Tommy curled further in on himself, and went stiff. Fuck, he hated explosions he couldn’t- a flash of lmanburg getting exploded, a flash of Tubbo and fireworks, a flash of Dream and TNT and that fucking axe, of the prison, it all crossed his mind.
His panic made his sniffles turn into sobs, and his breathing got heavy and faster. He was already feeling like shit, why did some fucking creeper have to go and get his trauma double triggered. “no, no-” He murmured, “ why-” His tear filled eyes glanced back and his communicator. It would be so easy to just message Dream and- he picked up his comm, clumsily so, removed his thumb from his mouth, and started typing.
He had a bit of a hard time figuring out how to message Dream, due to his current panicked and also regressed state. “i gotsta just send it,” And typing in of it self is always harder when his eyes are blurry, and his head is foggy, and his speech is getting slightly affected by being little.
“You whisper to Dream: dream?”
“You whisper to dream: wanna talk 2 u i miss u pls respnd “(wanna talk to you i miss you please respond)
Tommy waited, part of him instantly regretting sending the message, knowing that it would be much harder to back out now. He continued sobbing as his emotions took over, for a moment he wondered if anything was real. This is too much stuff to handle for one kid, he was too little for this. “i can’t do this- i cant-” He repeated.
He heard his communicator ding, and he ripped off the bandaid and immediately looked at it.
“Dream whispers to you: Aww, of course Tommy :). come and meet me at the community house and we can chat.”
Tommy cringed, and suddenly everything felt a lot more real. But, he still needed to talk to Dream, he needed to hug him and be comforted, even if his brain was screaming at him to take it back.
“You whisper to Dream: oaky jus gimme aa bit m at my house” (okay just give me a bit im at my house)
Tommy’s sobs have calmed down a bit, though he has a feeling that they will come back full force very soon. He gave his stuffed animal a tight hug, and set him down onto his bed to the side, he would bring him but he doesnt want anything to happen to his stuffie. He sat up, and moved his legs over the side of his bed, exhaustion clear in his movements.
He made his way to put his shoes on, and slipped both feet into his ragged sneakers, leaving them untied. He rechecked his comm, and just as soon as he did, there was another ding.
“Dream whispers to you: Take your time, Tommy.”
A part of Tommy hated how comforted he felt by that message, he fucking hated it. But the other part of Tommy was overjoyed. He opened the door but hesitated to walk out for a moment. His eyebrows furrowed as tears continued to fall down his cheeks. He knew how bad of an idea this was, but right now the part that missed hIs abuser and seeks that messed up comfort is overtaking any logical part of his brain.
He walked out the door, into the night-time air. He brought an axe with him just in case he crossed an unlit part of the SMP on his trek to the community house, and stumbled across any zombies. Which, he really really hoped he wouldn't because he didn't know if he could fight them as well while little, and also in such a horrible mental state.
He tried to make his walk as fast as possible, trying to get there before he changed his decision. He walked clumsily, nearly tripping on a rock or two and then mumbling curses at them. He passed the place where Targay used to be, and passed Tubbo’s old house, and some other places that he would probably care for more if he were in a more mentally healthy state.
In the distance he saw Eret’s castle, as he was walking right by Puffy’s old therapy office. He looked at it sadly, being somewhat aware of how this was depleting his healing progress. He fidgeted nervously with his fingers, picking at old scabs, as he look at the community house in front of him. All he’d need to do was cross the bridge. By the time it took him to get there, he wasn’t sobbing anymore but he was still actively crying and sniffling.
He walked forward and walked into the Community house, with a feeling that he was being watched. He wiped his eyes and sniffled, haphazardly hiding evidence that he was crying, even as more tears poured down his face. “dream..? are you in here?” Tommy asked in a small, childlike voice. He couldnt see Dream anywhere. For a moment, Tommy wondered if Dream had lied to him about where he was, and wasnt gonna be here. Tommy whined, short and sad. Then, he heard a voice that was walking closer from behind one of the doors.
“Yeah, yeah I’m uh, here Tommy. Don’t worry.” Dream said, walking into the community house, and striding his way over to Tommy. He tilted his head at the boy, who was looking up at him with tears falling down his cheeks. “Oh, Tommy…”
Seeing Dream made a mixture of emotions show up for Tommy. He missed him. He also feared and hated him. He also sought comfort from him. “I didn't- I don't know what to do. I miss you so so bad, ‘nd i don’ know what to do. i feel so alone again ‘n i hate it, i hate it!” Tommy was sobbing again.
“Hey, hey. It’s okay, I’m here now.” Dream moved a little closer to Tommy, looking at his wide teary eyes. “Come here,” He said, opening up his arms. An invitation for a hug, which Tommy immediately took.
Tommy was sobbing into Dreams chestplate, cool and sharp, it reminded him of when he did the same in exile. Dream was hesitantly patting Tommy on the back. He never really was the best at comforting others, and.. this situation was a strange one. Not that he would be complaining.
He’d seen Tommy regressed before, not that he knew the terminology for it, a couple of times. In exile, in the prison, a few times while he was making home in Tommy’s walls, and maybe even before. Usually if Tommy knew Dream was there, he would mask the regression to the best of his abilities, save for a few times, but right now Tommy threw that out the window.
Dream figured it was some sort of trauma thing, maybe he’d ask Tommy about it later. He did have plans to .. get back Tommy in a few months, but if he played his cards right maybe he could get that out of the way a bit sooner.
“...Was there.. uh, was there something you specifically wanted to talk about, Toms?” Dream waited to say until Tommy was just softly crying, the nickname only made Tommy feel smaller.
Tommy shook his head against the armour, “Nuh uh, jus’ wanted to talk to you, missed you so bad,” He sniffled, leaning further into the warmth of Dream’s hoodie. “ i missed- i missed your hugs.”
Dreams gloved hand started moving through Tommy’s hair absentmindedly, and he chuckled at Tommy’s hug comment. “Hm, I see.”. Dream paused. “We can just- we can just talk then, okay?”
“Okay,” Tommy’s voice still had that childlike tone to it, and he began to say what was on his mind. “I dunno- i. i think m’ gonna regret seein’ you.”
“Why do you think that?” The older man asked, curious. He already knew vaguely of what Tommy might say though.
“‘Cause you hurt me, like lots.” Tommy answers, pausing momentarily and then continuing. “An’ you make me feel… so bad. Mister Puffy told me to not speak to you ever ever again.”
Dream mulled over the boys words, taking a moment to think of what to say. “Well, everything I did, I had a reason to. For the.. greater good, you know? I hurt you, because you wouldn’t listen.” And maybe Dream genuinely believed his words there. “I had to. Puffy doesn’t really know what she’s talking about anyways, right?”
Tommy just shrugged, sniffling again. The words Dream had been saying confused him. Everything about Dream confused him. He knows the way Dream treated him was bad, and that the reasons Dream came up with were stupid; but he was so little that he was having a hard time finding words at all. Forget trying to respond to what Dream said. So Tommy responds by holding on to Dream a little tighter.
“What’s uh… What’s been going on with you, Tommy? I haven’t been as… on top of the news of the server as I’d like to be so…” Dream started up another topic, seeing that the last one wasn’t going to go anywhere with Tommy’s current state.
“Wil left.” Tommy states as she tries to not start sobbing again, a whimper coming out instead.
“Oh. I’m sorry Tommy.” Dream lies. He wasn’t sorry, if anything he was ecstatic with the news. Wilbur had posed a threat with how close he was with Tommy, especially taking their last interaction into consideration. Learning this made him think his chances of getting Tommy back at home, their new home, would be higher. “When? Why? I can’t really say I’m too surprised, I mean it’s not- its not really the first time he’s abandoned you, right? But it must’ve been a… uh surprise for you.”
Dream’s words made this painful topic hurt more. “‘Bout a month ago. He left the server, to go far ‘way to a place, and … hes all gone now. I miss him.” Tommy answered to the best of his abilities. “I miss my big brother.”
A sob threatened to leave Tommy again. Dream pet Tommy's hair like a dogs.”Oh Tommy… I’m here. And you know I’ll never leave you, right?”
Tommy nodded his head. He did know Dream would never leave him. No matter what he did. He felt dread boil in his gut and comfort warm him at the thought. “Mhm..” The sound was small.
“See?” Dream paused, “You don’t need Wilbur, someone who’d just abandon you and walk away. You have me.”
Tommy felt his bottom lip tremble as he listened to Dream. “But- but…”
Dream shushed him before he could try to retort, “You don’t need to worry about it right now anyways.”
There was some silence between the two for a bit, aside from the sound of Tommy sniffling. They could hear sounds of crickets outside, and water flowing around the building.
“You feel a bit better now?” Dream asked, getting a shrug in return.
“Dunno… sleepy…” Tommy yawned, realizing he was having a hard time keeping his eyes open. It was really late, and he hasn’t been sleeping well lately.“Feel sad still though.”
“Hmm.. sleepy huh? How about I take you to your home, and you head to bed, buddy?”. Dream started pulling away from Tommy to look at him as he talked.
“But I wan’ talk with you.” Tommy frowned. “I don’t wan’ be alone again.”
“I’ll stay there until you fall asleep. We can talk tomorrow, okay?” Dream was really working those brain gears, talking to someone like they were a child was something he was used to, but only ever in a demeaning way. This had to be comforting.
“Okay…” Tommy nodded. He wiped the tears from his face.
“Good. Let’s go, Tommy.” Dream started walking towards the door of the community house, checking to make sure Tommy was following him. Tommy ran up and grabbed Dream's sleeve. Like a clingy puppy,
So they walked back to Tommy’s house, Tommy holding on Dream’s sleeve for the majority of the way, save for when Dream had to kill a skeleton. It was really weird how quiet Tommy was being the walk there. Not that this entire situation hadn’t been extremely weird for Dream.
“Alright buddy, go uhh… lay down, I’ll stay here until you fall asleep.” They stood inside Tommy’s house, in his room.
Tommy got up onto his bed, and flopped his head onto his pillow. His eyes were fighting to stay open. “Tuck me in…?” Tommy asked, voice small and clearly a bit nervous to ask.
The question took back Dream a bit, but he didn’t decline. He walked over to Tommy, and covered him with his quilt. “There we go. All good?”
“Uhmm…” Tommy thought over, then his eyes slightly opened as he remembered something. “My stuffie, my stuffie!”
Dream looked around, finding an old stuffed animal cow. “This it?” He asked, giving it to Tommy once he nodded.
“Cowie… t’ank you.” Tommy cuddled with his stuffed animal.
“Alright, go on to sleep, buddy.” Dream leaned onto the bedside table. “You’ll feel a bit better when you wake up.”
Tommy turned to his side, bringing his thumb to his mouth again. “Okay, Dream…” He knew he was going to regret meeting up with Dream again, but he let himself feel okay for just right now. He closed his eyes.
Dream sat leaning on the table still, in thought. Tommy really was so funny, seeking comfort from the man who threatened to kill him over and over. Not that Dream had plans to do that while Tommy was like… this. He could tell this was something he had to be careful with, it was vulnerable.
Dream thought over how he should go about this all. He thinks he might go the slowly but surely route. Maybe he could get Tommy to see Dream as his only friend again, without fully getting him away from everyone yet. Especially with Wilbur gone now, if what Tommy said was true. That could be a fun way to go about it.
He looked back at Tommy. His eyes were closed, and just after a few minutes, he was sleeping peacefully. Dream stood up straight.
“Goodnight, Tommy. See you tomorrow. Sleep away."