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It was another scorching summer day. The sun had no mercy on the Kubitachi village this year, and for two teenage boys, the most appropriate way of dealing with it was sitting on a bench in front of the little shop with “ice cold ice-cream”. It became their quiet ritual – a momentary escape in a bubble of silence they both cherished.
Although the scarring memory of Yoshiki finding out that Hikaru was indeed not Hikaru persisted, he managed to brush it off despite visiting the same place where it happened almost every day. It made him lose his sleep and cry into the pillow at night, sure, but waking up the next day and seeing Hikaru made him forget. Often, he felt guilty — guilty for forgetting, for laughing with the corpse of his best friend, for finding comfort in something that shouldn’t exist anymore.
But everything was fine as long as nothing became too complicated.
One day, however, Hikaru started to ask some unusual questions.
“Yoshiki,” Hikaru spoke, fidgeting with an empty container of ice cream. “Why do humans hold hands?”
“Huh?” Yoshiki was snapped out of thought and started wondering about it himself. “Uh, I dunno. Connection? Affection?”
“Connection. Affection.” Hikaru nodded, repeating the words to himself quietly. “Ya ever did it?”
Yoshiki snorted with a little smile. “Yer askin' like it's something ya lose yer virginity doin',” he teased. “‘Course I have. With my mom when I was a kid, or with other kids, I guess.”
Hikaru frowned, and a drop of sweat slid down his temple. “I’ve some memories of doin’ that,” he scratched his head and sighed. “But I dunno why. Sometimes I wish I could understand, y’know?”
Yes, Yoshiki knew. His face dropped a little, unknowingly to him, with a wish in his mind that his Hikaru would understand. However, that could’ve been a selfish wish; did Yoshiki want that just so the boy would feel like a human to him again, or did he want that for Hikaru’s sake?
“Do ya think that,” Yoshiki began, avoiding the other’s gaze, “if I showed ya, you would understand?”
Hikaru laughed weakly, the ice cream container mercilessly crushed in his grip. “Ya wanna check if I’m that emotionless?”
Yoshiki’s gaze dropped. “...Nah, that ain’t it.”
After that, the topic changed. The sun was setting, so the boys decided to head back home and call it a day. The sound of cicadas was the only source to break the silence, the air was not so thick anymore, and it seemed easier to breathe. Yoshiki glanced at Hikaru a few times during their walk, not so discreetly, but the other boy looked deep in thought and gave it no notice.
When they arrived at Yoshiki’s house, the boy was just about to bid his dear friend goodbye when the latter put his bike on the ground and came closer.
“What’re ya–”
Hikaru took Yoshiki’s bike from his hands and dropped it on the ground lightly, his face intent.
“I wanna feel emotions,” he muttered, looking away. “I mean–” he startled, blushing a little bit.
Yoshiki stared at him in… awe. Waiting intently.
“Ya make me feel things,” Hikaru said, finally meeting his gaze — eyes focused, resolute. “I just wanna know if I can feel more, y’know…”
Yoshiki felt like he hurt Hikaru for underestimating his abilities to feel, as strange as it sounds. The truth was, he had never seen the boy as someone unable to feel or express emotions; it was the other way around. Hikaru was expressive, open, and talkative. Yoshiki didn’t see him as a soulless monster; he saw him as someone learning to understand feelings, rather than feel.
Hikaru was eagerly awaiting a response; he even seemed a little stressed. He was a dangerous entity, but nobody could convince Yoshiki to truly believe that. What dangerous entity would stand in front of him, embarrassed and awaiting a response, like a confessing teenager?
Yoshiki then, without a word, grabbed Hikaru’s hand and squeezed it lightly. It was warm, compared to his insides, and of course, it fit perfectly into his palm–it was Hikaru’s body, after all.
Hikaru seemed a little startled, but silent. They were just standing like that for a moment, the sunlight dimming behind them as time impalpably passed. The boy could not tear his gaze away from their interlocked hands, staring like it were a puzzle impossible to solve. Yoshiki stroked Hikaru’s hand with his thumb.
Then, the shorter boy suddenly tore his hand away, as if he had been burned. His breathing got a little faster and heavier, and if the shadow hadn’t almost completely covered his face, Yoshiki would have noticed how hard his best friend was blushing.
Hikaru held his hand to his chest and laughed weakly. “Ahah, y’know, m-maybe I am emotionless after all…” He quickly grabbed his bike and glanced at Yoshiki one last time before walking away. “See ya, Yoshiki.”
The whole situation left Yoshiki speechless, and only when he managed a weak “see ya” did he realize how fast his heart was beating.
—
To Yoshiki’s surprise, their next meeting felt strangely normal, as if Hikaru’s behaviour the other day wasn’t weird. The raven-haired boy couldn’t help but wonder; how could his best friend be soulless and emotionless if he felt embarrassment like a shy boy? He hated it whenever someone spoke about Hikaru in a degrading way.
They were playing video games at Hikaru’s place and eating watermelon. It was even hotter that day, so they both decided it’d be better to stay inside and not fry in the sun. Yoshiki had always enjoyed visiting the Indous, mainly because of how warm and welcoming their place had always felt – even after… the incident.
Hikaru’s mom always made sure the boys had everything they needed. After Hikaru went missing, his mom became more protective and affectionate of him, but Yoshiki couldn’t help but feel a bit sick when he thought about how the woman would react to her son… being replaced by a demon-sort monster. These thoughts he rejected as much as he could.
“I won again!” Hikaru exclaimed, throwing his hands into the air to celebrate his victory. “Dammit, we shoulda made a bet that the loser gotta do something dumb,” he grinned, looking at Yoshiki.
“That wouldn’t be fair,” Yoshiki said playfully with a laugh. “I always lose.” He turned off the game.
“Duh, that’s the point!” Hikaru rolled his eyes, and Yoshiki launched a pillow in his face in revenge.
“Are ya declarin’ war?” the boy gasped at the sudden attack. He immediately tackled Yoshiki down and started tickling him; one of the few legendary ways of making Yoshiki laugh like a crazy man.
Yoshiki tried to protest, but with no result. He managed to grab both of Hikaru’s hands and roll over him, pinning his hands onto the floor, trying to catch a breath. Hikaru struggled with a grin but stopped after a moment and began just staring into Yoshiki’s face.
The taller boy could just have his revenge and tickle Hikaru to death, but unfortunately, he wasn’t ticklish at all. That was strange, considering the real Hikaru had always been absurdly susceptible to tickles. So instead, Yoshiki kept looking at the boy, straddling him and holding his hands, when it came to him that Hikaru was indeed much stronger than he and could’ve easily stopped Yoshiki’s “attack”.
The boy under him stopped smiling and looked away. He was certainly feeling something.
“Ya alright?” Yoshiki asked calmly, letting Hikaru go.
“Yeah, ‘course,” the boy replied, sitting up and wrapping his arms around his legs. He turned his gaze away. “Can I ask ya a weird question, again?”
Yoshiki barely made out the words from all the mumbling. “Yeah.”
“Humans have weird ways of doin’ stuff,” Hikaru laughed bleakly, looking up at Yoshiki. “What’s ‘kissin’’ for?”
Yoshiki was left dazed for a few seconds. He probably just watched a bunch of romance movies, he thought. “W-well, there are many reasons,” he grunted, deepening the thought. “Biologically, it sorta helps in mate selection or somethin’. It also deepens intimacy, bonding, and stuff. I dunno! What kinda question is that?”
“I dunno!” Hikaru panicked, averting Yoshiki’s gaze. “...Ya ever done it?”
That question just made Yoshiki laugh, and thankfully, Hikaru went along with it.
“Ya weirdo,” Yoshiki chuckled, nudging Hikaru’s shoulder with a smile tugging at his lips. “Stop askin’ weird questions from now on, a’right?”
“Ya can’t stop me,” Hikaru teased, grinning. His face quickly relaxed, however, and then a slight frown came over it. “Can I ask ya one more weird question, though?”
Yoshiki rolled his eyes, but nodded. Of course, Hikaru would ignore his words.
“D’ya really think… that if I tried,” he mumbled, “I’d actually feel somethin'?”
Yoshiki’s heart skipped a beat. Was he asking…? No, he probably meant someone else. But still, Yoshiki couldn’t help but wonder why Hikaru was trying to feel something so hard, if he had already felt so many times. Was it a joke? A hoax? He did seem quite serious, though. Wait, what if he did mean that he’d try kissing Yoshiki? Subconsciously, the taller boy’s gaze dropped to Hikaru’s mouth, and for a tiny fraction of a moment, he thought about kissing those lips.
Would that be kissing Hikaru, or… Hikaru?
And for that whole time, Hikaru had been observing him intently, awaiting whatever response. He was just about to laugh it off and change the subject, but–
“Hikaru,” Yoshiki spoke firmly, “I don’t think yer unable to feel emotions, not at all. Ya don’t have to prove yourself so hard, y’know?” The boy smiled affectionately, with sad eyes.
Hikaru, on the other hand, seemed even more upset than before. He turned his head away and sighed. “I know I’m capable of feelin’... somethin’,” he stammered, fidgeting around. “But I dunno which feelings are mine… and which ain’t. This body… makes me feel…— I’d just like to see if it’s… I dunno… real?”
Well, that was a moment worth noting as “complicated”.
“Does that mean…” Yoshiki trailed off, trying to catch Hikaru’s eye.
It met his, and Hikaru spoke again, this time more confidently. “I’ve been havin’ those thoughts, urges. Some are mine, some aren’t, but… I wouldn’t mind having them?” He questioned, unsure, and buried his face in his hands with a groan. “Ya already felt my insides, yeah? But that was… my way of doin’ things, and, uh, I dunno if it meant affection, too, but I’d like to… try human ways of showin’ affection.”
Hikaru was blabbering like crazy, not like Yoshiki could blame him. It must’ve been confusing for all these months. He was still inside a human body that had its natural feelings, urges, and needs. And what Yoshiki understood from all of that was… that no matter the reason, Hikaru wanted to explore other ways of showing affection. He just didn’t exactly know how to do it in a more… human way. Instead of almost swallowing him whole. What a mess…
“So…” Yoshiki finally spoke, quietly, and tried to sound as calm as possible. “Ya wanna… tryna kiss me?”
Hikaru stared at him for a moment, looked away in thought, turned his eyes back on Yoshiki, and nodded.
“And that’s also why you wanted to hold hands before?”
Again, a shy nod.
When the thought of that occurred to him, Yoshiki flushed and looked away, startled. He tried not to show it, as he had always done – hiding emotions. But this time, there was no reason to hide. They were in Hikaru’s room, window open, a slight breeze letting itself inside. The sun was low, the light shining in – golden. Hikaru was right in front of him, blushing like the teenager he is. And it was just an experiment, right?
“...I’ve never done it before,” Yoshiki admitted quietly. It was because there was nobody else that he’d do it with.
“It’s fine, me too,” Hikaru huffed out a short laugh. “Maybe we’ll both feel somethin’ new.”
“Okay, fine, let’s just do it,” Yoshiki blurted out, despite the hesitation building up inside him. Should he? Could he even do it? Would… Hikaru want this?
Yoshiki was still avoiding Hikaru’s gaze until the boy moved a little closer. Their quiet breaths, heartbeats, and cicadas outside the window were all they could hear, but none of it mattered when Yoshiki found himself centimeters from Hikaru’s face and lips. He glanced at them, then at the eerie, but worried, eyes in front of him, and his eyelids fluttered shut before their lips finally meeting together.
It was just their lips, shy and unsure. They both had no experience, so the kiss was stiff and felt like nothing special at first. And then, Hikaru grabbed Yoshiki’s hand, gently caressing it with his thumb, before leaning away. The older boy, however, immediately relaxed upon that gesture and boldly, but gently, caught Hikaru’s lips again, to his surprise. The boy breathed deeply through his nose and also managed to relax and even melt into the kiss, their lips softer and moving more confidently.
The chill breeze fell over the two boys like a delicate cloth of silk. Yoshiki was sitting on the floor, leaning on the bed, as Hikaru held his hand and kept kissing him very softly. The dark-haired boy noticed that these two activities were seemingly the only ones Hikaru may have recognized, so he slowly moved his hand onto Hikaru’s waist, holding it firmly. He wanted to show him some other, not so obvious, ways of affection and touch; stroking his waist, his back, to later cupping his friend’s cheek in a way so gentle it made Yoshiki melt inside–he had always wanted to hold, to caress, to care for his dear friend.
Both of them were flushed, breathing slowly, deeply, and quietly. Hikaru leaned away and let go of Yoshiki’s hand, which felt empty without the familiar warmth, but only to try and copy Yoshiki’s gesture before—holding his waist, stroking his cheek, looking deep into his eyes. They needed no words when their gazes spoke so loudly.
The soft gestures made Yoshiki blush even harder and look away. He felt embarrassed, but in a good way? Hikaru was right; both of them felt something new that evening.
But that evening was not ending just yet; Yoshiki caught himself startled when Hikaru held his face in both hands and leaned for another kiss, this time deeper. The older boy held the other’s waist again, wordlessly leading him to sit on top of him, and this whole situation began to feel real when they both opened up their mouths and started to explore.
Yoshiki had never kissed anyone before, but he knew that it felt different than a kiss with someone else would feel. Despite Hikaru’s hands and face being warm, the inside of his mouth was cold, and the feeling was otherworldly. And Yoshiki wouldn’t change a thing about it; it felt right. It made him forget about guilt.
“Hikaru…” Yoshiki breathed, and Hikaru leaned away with a shy smile. He tried to say something more, but a sneeze caught him by surprise.
“Oh no, the window,” Hikaru panicked before jumping up to quickly close it. They were both so… occupied, they didn’t care to think about catching a cold from the wind. “I’m so sorry!”
Yoshiki sniffed and laughed it off. “Naw, dontcha worry,” he stood up and stretched his arms, trying to act nonchalant about the whole “kissing your best friend” stuff. “I’ll be fine.”
—
The next day, Yoshiki was, in fact, not fine. The heat from… doing stuff, and the chilly breeze did not go well together, and he woke up the next morning running a fever, having a headache, and a stuffed nose. Who the hell gets sick in summer? He thought, groaning. With himself being chained to the bed for the rest of the day, he sure had a lot of time to think. Falling asleep didn’t work very well, unfortunately.
Yoshiki thought about his selfishness, Hikaru, Hikaru, and whether all of that was real or a fever dream. He stared at the ceiling most of the time, sniffing and blowing his nose between feelings of betrayal and hesitation. All of that was beyond his understanding. Holding hands… Kissing… Was it really affection? Should Yoshiki remember all that or just treat it as a simple experiment for Hikaru’s sake? What did the boy really need this experiment for, though…?
Knocking on the front door snapped him out of his mind whirlwind. Kaoru said she’d get it, so Yoshiki stayed put and gave it no more thought until he heard some shuffling, a familiar voice, and Hikaru opening the room to his door after knocking.
“Hiya, Yoshiki!” Hikaru grinned, holding up a plastic bag with something inside. “I brought ya some snacks and medicine. Y’want some tea?”
“I don’t recall hirin’ a caretaker.” Yoshiki teased, chuckling lightly. Actually, seeing Hikaru made his heart flutter.
“Ya sound so funny with yer nose stuffed!” the boy laughed, walked over to Yoshiki, and pinched his nose shut to imitate his friend’s voice. “I hired myself for ya.”
Yoshiki rolled his eyes and sat up in his bed before sneezing. “Ya didn’t have to do that,” he sniffed and pointed at the bag in Hikaru’s hand.
“But I wanna,” Hikaru smiled back. “Is it workin’?” He sat on the bed next to Yoshiki and handed him the plastic bag.
“Is what workin’?” asked Yoshiki, nodding with a smile when he took the goods from his friend. After looking inside, he found some pills, water, chips, and sweet buns.
“Affection, connection,” Hikaru replied, after humming in thought. The smile wouldn’t leave his hopeful face.
Yoshiki’s eyes widened a little. He was taken aback–was Hikaru asking all these questions and wanting to try these new things to show Yoshiki he cared about him? So it wasn’t just an experiment for the sake of understanding human habits? Whenever Yoshiki felt any doubt, Hikaru showed him that he’s so much more than just a demonic entity that took over his best friend’s body. Was that Hikaru’s wish before he died?
Yoshiki looked away and sniffed, hiding his smile. “Yeah, it’s workin’.”
Hikaru let out a quiet little “yeah!” with a grin and looked at Yoshiki, bringing his palm to rest on the boy’s forehead, and his smile dropped with a whine. “Yer so warm… and at that, I failed…”
Yoshiki snorted and pushed Hikaru’s hand away playfully, “I told ya, it ain’t yer fault. I’m fine.” Yoshiki spoke with a sniff, interrupting his friend before he could even say anything, “And don’t even think about mimickin’ me again.”
Hikaru laughed again, and the sound healed Yoshiki’s soul more and more.
“How are ya feeling, by the way?” Asked the younger boy.
“Well, I’m cold,” Yoshiki shrugged. “And I couldn’t sleep ‘cause of my nose.”
Hikaru frowned and hummed. Then, he suddenly lit up, as if an idea popped into his head. “I know! Drink your medicine,” he grabbed the water and pills from the bag and handed them to Yoshiki. “Then, I can hug ya so ya don’t feel cold anymore, and ya can try to fall asleep.”
Hug? Hugging isn’t as intimate as kissing, and yet the proposal still made Yoshiki blush. He was dazed, tired, and cold; he couldn’t give a deeper thought to it if he tried. Nothing else mattered anymore.
Yoshiki nodded in approval and did as instructed, to Hikaru’s delight. After taking the medicine, he lay down on the bed again and looked at his friend with anticipation. “So? Ya comin’?”
Hikaru grinned and slipped under the covers next to Yoshiki, facing him. He wrapped his arms around the older boy, hugging his head to his chest. “‘That okay?”
Yoshiki let out a quiet “yeah” before closing his eyes and succumbing to the warmth around him. It was still summer, and Hikaru was probably boiling, but Yoshiki enjoyed the protective blanket that the other boy surrounded him with. The breathing, the familiar smell, the clenching in his heart that derived from his fear of losing everything again. But finally, he could relax, he could let loose of these fears, guilt, and hesitation. No matter what had happened, he had no control over the past. He could only be grateful for what he had in the present, and if that really was Hikaru’s wish, Yoshiki could gladly embrace that unusual form of newfound love. He finally fell asleep.
And at the end of the day, Yoshiki felt affected–and definitely connected.