Work Text:
- ENA -
Ena takes a deep breath, and knocks on her little brother’s door.
She’s apologizing. With cheesecake, because she honestly doesn’t know if just saying sorry is enough. It’s kind of a messy story- when isn’t it- but, uh…
…Well, in summary. She was horrible. She got worked up over her art enough that she knocked her easel over, fed up with it, and Akito must’ve heard the noise, because he came upstairs. And in her blindness, instead of understanding that he was worried, Ena got mad at him the second he entered. Because he didn’t fucking knock, and he never fucking knocks, and she got angry (in the moment) that her stupid little brother didn’t have the decency to be a little empathetic when she’s in the middle of a mental breakdown, and she-
Yeah. Uh, shit happened.
And she can’t just keep throwing tantrums and lashing out at her little brother during them and then not saying sorry for it once she’s calmed down. Ena knows that. She- she doesn’t want to hurt Akito, even if she does (a lot), and… part of her is scared that he doesn’t know that. And he deserves to be treated better than she treats him. So, so much better.
So she needs to stop being a coward, get her shit together, and actually apologize to her little brother for once. ‘Cause even if she always says sorry a day or so later, she never apologizes on the same day, and it shows. But this time she’s going to say sorry. She’s determined to make sure she doesn’t worsen Akito’s mental health even more than she already has.
She’s calmed down by now. Mostly. Well, she’s at least not mad anymore- the guilt and self hatred are already starting to eat away at her insides, but at least she knows she won’t throw open scissors at her little brother anymore.
The tears are still drying on her face, but there’s a fresh bandaid on her arm, and she cleaned the wet paint off her floor and put her painting back up on its easel- back facing out, because she doesn’t want to look at it anymore right now. She doesn’t care if the paint gets messed up sticking to the wood. She’ll... deal with it later.
She patched herself up because Akito told her to. At some point in the fray she remembers him yelling at her to take care of herself, and that he doesn’t want to have to make sure she doesn’t let herself get killed anytime she doesn’t eat or drink or leaves accidental injuries untreated or chooses not to sleep. It wasn’t worded the best, but Ena understands what he meant now- he doesn’t like seeing her hurt, and he doesn’t want to have to see her like that every time he helps her, but he also won’t stop looking out for her, because he loves her.
Ena… is really grateful that he still loves her.
That bandaid stings as she waits in front of his door with her breath held, nervously waiting for him to reply. She’s kind of out of her depth here, because she usually doesn’t knock… (yeah, she’s a hypocrite). How long should it be before he answers? Maybe he didn’t hear her.
A couple of seconds pass, and Ena wonders if it’s been a little too long. But she doesn’t knock again. Not yet.
A couple more.
…No answer.
Ena fidgets for a moment, shuffling her feet nervously in place. Her eyes, puffy and red, sting as she blinks rapidly.
…Shit. She can’t apologize if he won’t let her in. Is this Akito saying he doesn’t want to see her? He’s not… always the greatest at communicating (god knows it runs in the family), but giving no reply to a knock on his door is definitely one of the clearer negatives he’s given. Maybe… maybe she should just give him some space.
Despite herself, Ena can’t will her feet to step away from the door.
Hesitantly, her hand lifts again. She knocks softly. “...Akito?”
This time, she hears a faint noise, something like a bed creaking. The walls in this house really aren’t very soundproof (Akito found that out the hard way when Toya-kun started coming around more often), so if you’re loud enough and someone’s standing right outside your door, they can probably hear you.
Ena waits, squirming a little under the suspense, until she hears a reply. “...Come in.”
Ena’s heart leaps. She quickly grabs the door handle and lets herself in, holding the plate close so she doesn’t hit it on the door.
But the door is as far as she dares go. As soon as she sets foot inside she hesitates, stopping in her tracks, suddenly filled with anxiety about literally everything, even how she came in. Was that too sudden? Did it feel mean? Shouldn’t I have tried to be.. I dunno, less… jerky? What if he thinks I’m still mad?
She lingers there as her eyes fall on her little brother, who’s laying in his bed, phone cradled in one hand. A message app falls off the screen just as Ena looks at it. She guesses he was probably messaging Toya-kun (just because the chances of it being anyone else are way lower).
-Oh, fuck, it was that bad? Misery clouds into Ena’s head at the realization that- it was that bad. So bad that Akito was upset enough to message his partner. The only person, as far as Ena knows, that he ever goes to for comfort.
Her guilty eyes dart to his face, trying to read what’s on it- upset, exhausted, borderline depressed. (She wills herself to not think about the forbidden word. Depression. The shit that’s chokeholding them both, but both of them refuse to acknowledge.)
But even more than that, he’s… tense. He’s watching her closely, propped up on one elbow, his irises sharp even though everything else in his eyes is dim and tired. Distrusting. Like he’s... on edge. As if he doesn’t feel safe.
Like Akito doesn’t feel safe around Ena right now.
Fuck. Not gonna cry again. Not gonna fucking cry. She’s done that enough today.
Akito’s the one who speaks first- ironically. “...Yeah?” he eventually says when Ena leaves an embarrassingly long gap, his voice low and tired-sounding. “What?”
She notices distantly how his tone is carefully even, just in case his normal one triggers Ena again by accident. (Don’t hate yourself more. Don’t start hating yourself more.)
Ena takes a breath, trying badly to organize her thoughts. Come on, Ena, you got this. Just say sorry. He’s your little brother, you know he’ll forgive you. He always does. You’re just… trying to be better this time.
She wills herself to speak, but her mouth just… doesn’t open. She tries but she fails, and she ends up just staying by the doorway, guilt filling her up the longer she waits for her mouth to start working, the longer she has to look at Akito.
It’s the way he’s looking at her- like she’s someone he can’t trust, like she’s someone he has to be careful around. It makes her want to die. And Ena knows that’s true, he does have to watch his step around her a lot of the time- hell, a lot of people do, but it still… knowing that still really fucking hurts.
She doesn’t want it to be that way. She wants to be a good older sister. Ena- she doesn’t like saying it to anyone’s face, but- she knows she’s a horrible big sister. She screams at Akito, annoys him, hits him… sometimes worse. She knows he has at least one or two scars from her nails.
The red mark on the back of Akito’s hand, peeking out from his hoodie sleeve, stares at her very pointedly.
But… she really wants to do better. She constantly regrets everything she does during meltdowns as soon as she gets a hold of herself again, and she never ever stays mad at Akito for anything, even when she was really angry about it.
And Akito doesn’t deserve to be treated the way Ena treats him- especially after everything he does for her, even after what she does to him. He forces her to get out of bed, he makes her eat, he doesn’t let her idiotically destroy things she cares about, he tries to help her during meltdowns even when he has to know he’s just going to get hit and screamed at and have things thrown at him again, because that’s what Ena does every single time. And he still tries to help her calm down.
He really doesn’t deserve it. Ena… Ena knows she’d be even more desolate than she is now if it weren’t for Akito, and even though she’s grateful, she still treats him like shit. Even though she’s the older sibling… it feels like Akito does more for her than she does for him.
Eventually, she does manage to speak, going with something simple instead of trying to explain the mess in her head. It’s better this way. She doesn’t want to dump herself onto Akito again, anyways- this is about him, not her.
“...I-I’m sorry for scratching you,” Ena says quietly, eyes darting away. “And yelling.”
There’s silence. Ena looks back up, and Akito is still looking at her. Waiting.
Oh, fuck, right. “A-and… Calling you a shitty brother.” Shit. She hadn’t meant to forget that part.
With that much, Akito seems satisfied enough. He nods slightly, gaze still on Ena. “Thanks.”
Ena feels her body sag with relief a little bit. Akito looks a little less upset than before- the creases in his features shallow some, and his muscles relax a bit. Thank god. Not complete forgiveness, but a step towards it.
Ena hesitates for a moment under her little brother’s stare, shuffling her feet, fidgeting with the rim of the plate. “I-I, um,” she stammers, still nervous. “I brought you apology cheesecake. If you want it.”
Akito blinks, and his gaze moves away from Ena, his head falling back onto his pillow with a soft plop. Ena’s heart squeezes, and she’s not sure if it’s because he’s relieved enough to look away from her, and that means he’s not nervous she’s going to hurt him anymore, or because he did look away from her, and does that mean he hates her, he doesnt want to look at her anymore, he doesnt accept her apology, and she fucked up, and-
“Duh, of course I want it.” Akito says, his voice interrupting Ena’s thoughts.
Ena pauses, her thought train halted. Huh? Akito sounds… normal. He’s gone back to his phone, thumbs moving as they type. Is he really not mad anymore? It can’t have been that easy.
Ah, fuck, she realizes a moment late. I’m overthinking. Shit. I need to stop. That’s exactly what always makes this happen in the first place.
“Uh- d-do you want me to just leave it by the door?” she asks, shoving her overwhelming emotions aside for the moment.
Akito glances at her, but goes back to his phone pretty soon after. “You can come and put it on my table if you want.”
“Oh, okay,” Ena replies blankly. “Right.”
Totally not overthinking how she’s purposefully not overthinking what she’s doing, Ena walks over and sets the plate down, putting it in an empty space between the notebooks and chargers on the coffee table. She looks at Akito for approval, but he’s still looking at his phone. His thumb moves across the screen, tapping idly. Ignoring her(?).
…Right. She should probably leave, then. She did what she came to do, and she did… well, she at least thinks she did a good job.
Ena turns to walk back towards the door, but she hesitates.
She turns, looking at Akito. “H-hey.”
Akito looks up, his olive eyes fixed on her. His mouth is hidden by his phone. Ena fidgets with the hem of her cardigan, keeping eye contact at first, but eventually having to look away. “So, um… a-apology accepted?”
Akito stares at Ena from behind his phone for what feels like forever. She manages to bring herself to make eye contact again, trying not to let her crushing anxiety and guilt show in her gaze, but she doesn’t know how well she succeeds.
But, eventually, Akito looks away again. Ena’s heart jumps, but then he shifts his phone a little bit, and…
Is he… smiling?
It’s just a tiny smile- like, really fucking tiny, barely even there. Maybe it isn’t. Is Ena delusional? Is she seeing things? Is her mind just showing her what she wants to see?
“Yeah, sure.” Akito says. “Apology accepted.”
Ena feels relief flow through her. She bites her lip, and suddenly her body feels so much more relaxed than before.
She can’t help the little smile on her lips as she turns her head away from Akito, eyes drifting to the ground. “Ok.”
-
Ena lets out a sigh as she sits down at her desk, putting on her headphones, closing her eyes as the sound of the house is muffled and halfway replaced with clean, blank silence. She opens Nightcord and decides to check all her new pings, skimming through the channels in her various servers. Eventually, she gets to one from Mizuki in their group’s server’s voice channel.
🌸 Amia 🌸✨ Today at 20:34 PM
@everyone hellooooo besties who wants to vc.. 🥰 🫶 🫶
not doing anything music related rn but i’m bored so 😋
_Enanan Today at 20:34 PM
i’ll join
🌸 Amia 🌸✨ Today at 20:34 PM
Hop in loser 🫶
Ena fires off a quick reply before she clicks into the call.
_Enanan Today at 20:34 PM
Yes maam
The join-call noise goes off double as Ena clicks into the call at the same time Mizuki joins. Mizuki’s mic fuzzes a little bit before their voice comes through the call.
“Hiiii!” Mizuki chirps, just a little mechanical- but way clearer than with her old mic, Ena should point out. She’s glad she managed to get one. “What’s up?”
“Hey,” Ena greets, and she notices how bad her voice is when she doesn’t mask it. Mizuki notices too. “Oh, damn, your voice sounds dead as fuck,” they say. “You good?”
Ena lets out a soft sigh, leaning her chin on her elbow. “Um,” she replies, just letting her tone come out soft and crackly. “Honestly, I had a rough night. But it’s fine now.”
“Daaaaang, I’m sorry,” Mizuki says. A hint of worry carries through the line. “Did something happen?”
“No,” Ena reassures her. “I’m fine, don’t worry. I just… kinda threw a tantrum over a painting again and got really mad at Akito.” Another stab of guilt comes up at the memory of the genuine fear in her little brother’s eyes, but she reminds herself he’s ok. She didn’t hurt him beyond repair.
Mizuki makes a hum of sympathy, clicking their tongue. “Shit, that’s rough, girl. I’m sorry.”
“Thanks.”
“...Is Akito okay?” The lack of nickname points to their genuine concern- Ena’s mouth tugs into a little smile.
“Yeah, he’s fine,” she says. “I, um. I actually apologized.” She laughs softly. “He seemed ok.”
“Ooh, nice!” Mizuki sounds happy, cheering for Ena’s progress. “Great job, Enanan!”
“Thanks,” Ena laughs. Mizuki’s cheery mood is nice after everything earlier. She feels a little better already.
“Hey, I know I’m not good at art or anything,” Mizuki says, in that telling tone of voice that she uses when someone else is upset and she’s trying to help out. “But if it’d help, I could give you some feedback, maybe? Want me to?”
“Oh, I actually got back on because I had an idea for a moodboard to help me out.” Ena replies. Now that she remembers, she clicks out of Nightcord and into a fresh tab, opening Pinterest.
“Ooh, cool!” Mizuki gasps. “Can I help?”
“Yeah, sure,” Ena giggles.
Mizuki whoops into their mic. “Yippee! FYI though, you can kick off anything I put on there, I might get side tracked and start putting something goofy like yuri in there.”
Ena snickers. “Pfft, okay.”
“So what are you looking for? You were making, like, something with, uh… some kinda flower that I can’t remember. Orange flowers?”
“Lemon flowers,” Ena corrects. “Like, a sort of spiral of them.”
“Okay, well don’t blame me if I start putting pictures of lemons on your pinboard.”
She snickers. “Fine, I won’t.”
- (Bonus)
Partner (toya)
> Akito? Are you still there?
> You’ve gone silent.
> I can see that you’re still reading my messages, though.
> Are you okay, love?
Me
> sorry, i’m still here
> ena came into my room
Partner (toya)
> Oh, I see. Don’t worry about it.
> Why did she come in?
> Are you OK?
Me
> yeah i’m alr
> she came in to apologize
Partner (toya)
> Ah, got it.
Me
> she brought me a piece of cheesecake too
Partner (toya)
> Aw. That’s nice of her. She’s doing better now, then?
Me
> yeah i think
Partner (toya)
> That’s good.
> Did her apology make you feel any better?
Me
> yeah, i think it did
> she patched up her arm too
> actually listened to me
Partner (toya)
> I’m glad. ^^
Me
> mhm
> me too