Work Text:
Wise men say
Only fools rush in
But I can't help falling in love with you
Shall I stay?
Would it be a sin
If I can't help falling in love with you?
Like a river flows
Surely to the sea
Darling, so it goes
Some things are meant to be
Take my hand,
Take my whole life, too
For I can't help falling in love with you
Elvis Presley - Can't help falling in love
"So you're telling me that you can't swim."
"Pretty much, yup."
"But you still rented this boat."
"Precisely."
"And you're presently sitting in said boat in the middle of the ocean ."
It had been a few months since the river incident, since the moment every barrage of pretense had fallen off with the ease of a developing friendship that grew stronger and stronger with each new passing day.
"You've got good observation skills, buddy." Hide said, inappropriately smug, given the situation. His lips stretched even wider as he added: "Except for one thing. This pond is hardly an ocean."
Kaneki had found that it was incredibly easy to talk to Hide about stuff he never knew he would be disclosing to a human; and yet, he had been doing just that for months now, the thought of Hide possibly selling him out to the authorities never once crossing his mind.
He trusted Hide with his own life.
Well, until the blond made it a point to show how reckless he was in turn.
Kaneki stared at him with the most unimpressed expression he could muster. "It hardly matters, when you can't swim still," he said sternly. "This pond is deep enough to drown into, Hide."
A tense silence stretched on and Kaneki made no further move to break it, instead directing his gaze to the clear water. Hide must have realized how serious of a topic this was for him, if he wasn't antagonizing him anymore. Kaneki hated that grave expression in his warm, November eyes, the only giveaway of Hide's real thoughts, knowing he had been the one who put it there; but Hide's smile was still in place, for comfort, and Kaneki hated it even more. Why did Hide always prioritize Kaneki's feelings, Kaneki's comfort, over his own?
Why couldn't he care about him without having to endanger his life in the process?
"I'm sorry," Hide finally spoke, and there was a sadness to his voice, despite the stubborn smile still there. "I should've thought better about it." Kaneki nodded in agreement, not caring how placating that sounded. There was a lump in his throat. "If I wasn't worried it's because you're with me," Hide added at last, a soft, delicate lilt to his tone, and it was then that Kaneki realized just how much of his preoccupations were mutual. It scared him. It positively terrified him.
He'd spoken with utter certainty, Kaneki mused. As though he didn't doubt Kaneki in the slightest.
This was bad, bad, bad.
I can't be there for you all the time, Kaneki thought. You have to take care of yourself when I'm not looking. I can't afford losing you, too.
He spoke none of these thoughts.
"Alright," he said, not looking in Hide's eyes, putting a strained smile on his face instead. He hoped it was convincing enough. "Just promise me you'll be more careful next time."
Hide followed his every move with attentive eyes, but said nothing. If he had noticed anything wrong, he didn't address it. Kaneki was grateful for it.
x.
"How does this tail thing work anyway?" Hide was saying, giddiness back in place as if nothing had happened only minutes ago, as Kaneki took a big breath to ready himself for the jump. He knew the water would be cold by this time of the year, but it wasn't like it would really bother him. He had removed his clothes, folding them properly and placing them in a corner of the boat so they wouldn't get wet nor get torn apart. They would only slow him down once they got soaked anyway. He only left his underwear on, if only for decency. They weren't that close, yet.
Why on Earth am I thinking about it now , Kaneki thought. Alright , focus.
In place of a reply, Kaneki breathed out slowly and then jumped.
He felt the familiar pull, the tingling sensation as his legs gave way to a silky and shiny tail, feeling contentment settle in his chest as he registered the sweet caress of water on his bare chest, and the sun catching in the polished surface of his deep blue scales. He reemerged, breaking the still wavering stretch of water in a thousand of small ripples expanding in circles from his chest, and smiled in anticipation when he glanced at Hide's face for a reaction, finding him dumbstruck.
He gave an experimental wiggle with his tail and Hide's breath hitched. Outside from that, he wasn't making a sound.
"This is pretty much how it works," he needlessly answered Hide's previous question, but his explanation was met with silence. Kaneki eyed him warily, suddenly feeling discomfort creeping up on him. This was the longest Hide had gone without saying a thing, and it was starting to worry Kaneki.
Did I finally break him? Was this too much at once? Will he push me away now?
His tail now wiggled in discomfort, and Kaneki's face contorted into a mildly worried expression.
"Hide...?," he hesitantly called out, but Hide was still staring at him with eyes as big as dinner plates, his voice caught in his throat. Kaneki's voice didn't do much to make him return from whatever reverie he had lost himself into, and Kaneki saw Hide's right hand hesitantly raising of its own accord, before Hide's mind could process what he was doing, and reaching out to him, for the shiny scales now halfway between the water surface and its depths. But Hide stopped midway, unsure. He still looked lost.
I most definitely broke him , Kaneki thought.
"Does it creep you out? Do you want me to shed it and go back on land?" he asked, a tremble in his voice betraying just how nervous he felt. Hide had looked so enthusiastic at the perspective of seeing his tail, of seeing him, all of him, without any shield of pretense or human camouflage, but now Kaneki wasn't so sure he had been ready for it. Maybe it was too soon. Maybe they hadn't been as close as Kaneki had thought. Maybe now that Hide had seen him in his true form he finally thought of him as a freak like anyone else. With the exception that he would have a reason for it.
"NO!" the force of Hide's denial made Kaneki blink in surprise and back down a bit from the boat. No? Which question was he answering?
"It's just..." Hide shook his head vigorously, trying to let a message through, but words kept failing him as he gaped at his friend, looking transfixed by the kaleidoscope of colors in his tail minglings and seeping into each other, bathing in sunlight and weaving in and out of the water as Kaneki breathed. He felt more than saw how Hide's gaze absorbed every inch of his skin - be it the human or the merman part. The way he glanced at his gills, or how he swallowed audibly as he took in the patch of skin dotted by dozens of little shiny scales on his stomach, where the pale glow of his white skin gave way to a darker shade until it melted into grays, navy blues and aquamarine greens, before turning into the solid muscle of his toned tail. The part of him that felt the most vulnerable. Subconsciously, Kaneki wrapped his arms around himself, shielding his skin from his friend in an automatic gesture.
Okay.
This was okay. Hide wasn't going to push him away. He would never, Kaneki had to remind himself, intrusive thoughts already fighting to get the better of him.
Okay, I'm okay. He breathed in, then out. They were going to be fine , he recited, mentally going over the list of positive thoughts Hide and him had worked on together for moments like this.
Why was he freaking out, anyway? Hide had said that he wasn't creeped out. Well, he had agreed to it at least.
It was that thought that gave him the strength to look into Hide's eyes and smile, if hesitantly, at him.
"It's..." Hide's eyes finally searched his. Kaneki felt winded by the sheer intensity he found in those familiar orbs, and it was his turn to gape as Hide finally came back to his senses, a somewhat still dazed look on his face. " beautiful ," he concluded in whispered awe. Then he positively beamed, his wide grin splitting his face in two. "Kaneki, this is the coolest thing I've seen in my whole life!"
x.
(If Kaneki's breath itched at that, it was only out of pure relief).
((Nothing more)).
x.
"Hide, I'm not sure this is a good idea..." Kaneki tried, looking at him with his best I'm-worried-about-your-self-preservation-skills face. It wasn't very effective, since Hide wasn't even looking at him, his gaze instead trained to the clear surface of water as he undressed.
"Oh, shush, Kaneki, you worry too much. Here the water barely reaches my chest," Hide reasoned.
Kaneki was still unconvinced. Water was starting to dry from his skin as he had resumed his place on the boat, his tail long since having scattered its scales under the warmth of the tepid spring sun. "But still..."
Hide interrupted him with a cheeky grin, placing a placating hand on his shoulder and squeezing for a moment. "I'll be fine. Besides, if I were about to drown you would be by my side in no time, with your merman tail superpowers!" he declared confidently. It was all the warning Kaneki got before Hide winked at him, took a big breath in and carefully lowered himself on the water, exhaling and suppressing a small shiver at the temperature of the pond.
Once he was carefully placed in the unfamiliar territory, his hands securely gripping the edge of the boat for support, he turned to Kaneki again. They shared a look, both of them failing to find words to address the sudden awkwardness and tension of the situation.
"..."
"..."
"My merman tail superpowers," Kaneki finally parroted, breaking the thick silence.
Hide nodded with a Cheshire Cat grin. Kaneki gave him his best unimpressed look in reply. "I guess," he finally sighed, relenting against his best friend's antics. He would never get used to them, Kaneki fondly told himself.
If possible, Hide's grin became even wider. "So why aren't you down here with me already? Did you already forget I cannot swim? C'mooon, buddy, teach me!"
Kaneki's following sigh might have been the most drawn out and exasperated one of his entire life.
x.
(Still, they admittedly had a lot of fun. Not that Kaneki would ever tell Hide that).
((Hide knew anyway)).
x.
(If Kaneki's heart stuttered in his chest each time they were in close proximity and if he shivered with each and every brush of skin on skin under the caress of the gentle water, it was only due to April's chill weather and to Hide's contagious enthusiasm).
((No further reasons, really)).
x.
They were sprawled on the boiling hot grass, smiles up in the air as they dried themselves up in the sunlight, the boat securely anchored to the shore and a feeling of contentment in their heaving chests.
"You know, Kaneki," Hide started, lazily turning his head to look at him. His cheeky grin was still in place, despite all the water he'd drank from his nose only minutes ago. "You never told me if there were any other tail wigglers in our school. There are, aren't they? That's why you keep dodging my questions!"
Kaneki groaned. "Please don't call me that."
"What?" Hide asked, oblivious. Then a mischievous glint showed in his eyes. "Tail wiggler? It's funny."
Kaneki draped an arm over his eyes. Suddenly, he was feeling exhausted. "Stop it." A day with Hide had the ability of draining him of all his energy. Even with his 'merman superpowers', as Hide had so gently put it. One of them must have been patience. A ton of it. Hide wasn't really good at swimming at all. Let alone when he took it as a game to test Kaneki's less than infinite supply of stamina.
"Aw, Kaneki, you're no fun," Hide smiled at him, but then feigned horror as a thought crossed his mind. "You did it again! How could you, Kaneki! I trusted you!"
Kaneki turned to him, peering at him with drooping eyelids from behind his arm, genuinely confused. "Do what?"
"Changing the topic," Hide said with an over dramatic pout.
Ah, typical, typical Hide. Fondness crept up on him and, unbeknownst to him, showed in the crinkle at the side of his eyes. Hide's pout softened in a secretive smile at the sight, not that Kaneki really noticed the shift in the air. "I wasn't changing the topic, silly," he reassured him. "In fact, there are a few more of my kind..." Kaneki admitted, a contemplative look in his storm gray eyes.
"Really?!" Hide got up in a sitting position so fast Kaneki wondered how he didn't get whiplash. Where did he get his endless supply of energy was still a mystery to him. "Someone I know?" his eyes were glistening with genuine curiosity again.
Kaneki hesitated. That was all Hide really needed to get to his own conclusions.
"Aw, man, don't leave me hanging now. Who?"
Kaneki let his arm fall from his face as he too got up in a sitting position. "Nishio Nishiki from 3-A," he replied, "And a few others you probably haven't met yet."
For all of his enthusiasm of mere seconds ago, Hide kept quiet at that reveal.
"What's wrong, Hide?"
He snapped out of whatever daze had caught him and looked at Kaneki with an indecipherable look in his eyes. It was kind of worrying him, to be honest. "His... His girlfriend is human, though, isn't she?" Hide asked, and Kaneki was surprised by how somber he sounded.
Kaneki nodded. A pensive silence followed his admission and Kaneki didn't really know what to make of it.
"I respect them," Hide finally concluded, letting a slow but sure grin lift the corners of his lips. Kaneki felt like he could breathe again. "It takes a lot of courage to make it work. Without fucking it up, y'know?"
Kaneki really did know, but just nodded. That was a story for another time. Today had been eventful as it was.
But still, as Hide gave him a last look before collecting his still damp clothes and getting dressed, Kaneki had a feeling there was something else Hide had wanted to say, too.
x.
From: Hide
hey man when will u give me the next lesson
(21:24)
To: Hide
Did you really have that much fun? I thought you were going to hate swimming with how much water you drank today, Hide. The pond risked extinction.
(21:24)
From: Hide
Aw man dont blame global warming on me!! ･ﾟﾟ･ (> д <; ) ･ﾟﾟ･ I wasnt tht bad
(21:26)
From: Hide
I wasnt right
(21:29)
From: Hide
if I was its because ur a bad teacher
thats it. blames on u man
(21:29)
From: Hide
r u giving me the silent treatment now
(21:34)
To: Hide
Sorry, I was doing laundry. You weren't that bad, I guess. Not as much as I expected anyway.
(21:40)
From: Hide
whats that supposed to mean
(21:40)
From: Hide
are you on ur surface apartment now?
(21:40)
To: Hide
Yeah. Too tired to go Home today.
(21:40)
From: Hide
can I come over???
(21:41)
To: Kaneki
Did you skip the 'too tired' part or do you actually not care?
(21:42)
From: Hide
so cold, kaneki. so cold! Im getting a fever just reading ur text (* ´Д｀ )= з
(21:42)
To: Hide
Just go to sleep, Hide. We have school tomorrow.
(21:44)
From: Hide
fine! ( ♯｀∧´ ) but dont u dare think ur off the hook! we need to chose a date for the next lesson! ヾ ( ≧∇≦ *) ゝ
(21:44)
To: Hide
We will. Goodnight, Hide.
(21:46)
From: Hide
goodnight, Kaneki! Sleep tight
(21:47)
x.
Sure thing, Hide kept his word on deciding the day they'd go to the pond again. Kaneki shook his head with a fond expression at his enthusiasm as Hide kept waving around his arms in wild, giddy gestures, the mayonnaise and lettuce in his sandwich threatening to spill all over the place.
"... at nine. Hey, are you even listening to me, Kaneki?"
Kaneki smiled. "Yeah. I'll be there. But don't forget to set your alarm this time, I don't want to come to your place and drag you by the pond."
"That was one time! Besides, you had the time of your life trying to wake me up! Don't you dare deny it, Kaneki! I heard your giggles !" Hide replied with an exaggerated pout as he recalled his treason.
Kaneki didn't argue with it. It was true after all. Ah, Hide and his theatrics. "Well, it's not my fault you sleep like the dead, Hide." To be honest, Kaneki was almost positive Hide had been awake the whole time, enjoying it just as much as Kaneki. His fun had only lasted until Kaneki had poured all the water from the glass on his nightstand on his sleepy face, though. Kaneki hadn't felt sorry in the slightest, not even as Hide had shrieked like a banshee and almost fallen flat on his butt after his legs had gotten tangled in the blanket in his awkward attempt at fleeing. Desperate times called for desperate measures, and if Hide had decided he wanted it to be fun, two could play that game, Kaneki had thought.
Hide didn't dignify him with a reply, instead dramatically thumping his head on his desk, and that was all the proof Kaneki needed for his previous assumption. But his train of thoughts must have followed a similar route than Kaneki's because after a few more beats of silence he half-whispered/half gushed "Would your tail materialize if I poured water on your pretty face, too?" making a show of looking around to check for any eavesdroppers.
Kaneki leveled him with a glare, ignoring the exaggerated wink Hide threw his way at those last four words. It wasn't like he was serious, Kaneki thought. He always added those flirtatious lines to mess with him. It was their usual friendly banter, their normalcy, and Kaneki hadn't really minded it up until now. So why was he bothered by it all of a sudden? He pushed that thought away as he cleared his throat.
"I'm afraid not. Did you already forget that the day they threw my boo-... The day you approached me for the first time I was soaked to the bone?"
Hide eyed him curiously, not missing the slight shift in his tone. His gaze became attentive, and Kaneki remembered that he'd never gotten around to tell him what had happened that day by the river, even though Hide had probably already figured it out by himself. Kaneki knew he had to tell him anyway. Friends don't keep things from each other, right? He would do it eventually.
"Was it because you need to physically be in the water?" he inquired, sharp as always.
Kaneki nodded. "Water doesn't trigger the shift, per se. My tail only shows when I'm soaking in it."
Hide nodded in understanding. "That's useful. I bet you wanted to skip class during rainy days, leaving me there all alone with those freshmans!"
Kaneki shook his head with fond exasperation. "Will you ever let me live that one down?"
Hide shoved his shoulder with a cheeky grin. "Never. I was lonely for two hours in a class full of boring people, Kaneki. Two hours! Rabbits die of loneliness, you know?!"
Kaneki chuckled, his bad mood gone as fast as it had come, as for each time he was with Hide. "Then we should be grateful that you're not in fact a rabbit," he joked to himself, soft enough for Hide not to hear but loud enough for Hide to catch the lightness of his tone. Hide gave him a warm smile, then collected all his belongings and secured his bag straps on his shoulders as he called out a last reminder.
"Don't forget: next saturday at nine. I'll be waiting for you at the amusement park by the elementary school! Don't be late and bring food!" He waited for Kaneki to nod, before he added. "It's a date, then!" and with that he was gone, rushing for his next class, leaving Kaneki with a stutter on his lips and a redness on his cheeks that weren't there before, and probably shouldn't have been.
This is bad, Kaneki thought helplessly, struck by the sudden realization that he wanted for Hide to mean those exact words. Friends don't keep things from each other .
x.
"So," Touka drawled, and Kaneki almost flinched at the annoyance she didn't even bother to dissimulate. "You're telling me that you have this unrequited crush on your friend, and that you don't know what to do."
Kaneki nodded.
Touka gave him a long, considering look, not saying a word for minutes on end. Kaneki got antsy. What with the sudden intensity? What did he do wrong this time?
"Are you really sure Hide doesn't feel the same? Like, really ? Aside from what your nerves are telling you, I mean."
Kaneki blanched. "H-How did you know it was..."
She run a hand on her face. "Oh, please . He's your only friend, Kaneki."
The look he gave her must have showed a bit of the hurt he felt at that remark, because Touka's eyes softened a fraction.
It was true that what Kaneki and Touka had was not exactly a friendship, not quite. Maybe they had been friends, at one point, somewhere before the kisses and the sharp words, the hurt and the lack of communication that finally had separated them. Maybe they never had been, and that was the reason why their relationship had been so short-lived. Which was what brought them here now, eyes downcast and shoulders squared with a lingering affection that softened their shared memories, and so many unspoken words hanging mutely in the space between their shoulders as they swam side by side, close enough to share the weight of the net full of fish but not enough to be called an apology.
If Kaneki was really honest with himself, he would've admitted that the real reason why he'd told Touka of all merpeople about this was because he had been hoping for an explanation. A condemnation, maybe. It was true that he'd always lost every single person he had loved deeply, so the problem must have been him, right?
Touka sighed. "Okay, stop giving me that kicked puppy look. You know what I meant." She paused, realizing from Kaneki's confused stare that he probably didn't. She sighed again, this time more forcefully. "What you have with Hide is stronger than any other relationship I've ever seen in my life," she finally declared, and Kaneki was finally struck by a revelation.
Maybe Touka blamed herself for what happened between them just as much as Kaneki. The thought made him avoid her gaze and lower his head in evident shame.
How long have you been feeling like this, Touka-chan?
He didn't want to think of the possibility that she may have been talking about something else, too. Stronger than any other , she'd said. Maybe even her parents'. She didn't remember much about them after all.
"He is human, isn't he?" she asked, reading that look in his eyes and trying to dismiss the tension. She had always been the stronger one. Kaneki thought she already knew the answer, but all he managed was a stiff and dumb nod. "And he knows," she continued, voice matter-of-fact, "and still stayed for the long run. Probably doesn't even plan on selling you out."
Kaneki looked away. Now he was sure she wasn't thinking about adolescence mistakes anymore.
"Touka-chan, I'm sorry," he tried, instantly regretting ever choosing to speak a word of this to her.
This had been a terrible idea. Touka deserved none of these reminders of how miserable her life had been, and yet, there he was, managing to reopen old wounds just by existing next to her. Both of them had equally tragic sob stories, but Kaneki at least was used to living with the unsustainable regrets of his own legacy. Kaneki was used to blame himself for something he had had no control over at the time, because his blood itself carried the curse of that shame. Touka wasn't. Her parents had both been from the Deep Blue.
She was right, he thought, twisting the meaning of her words, Kaneki didn't deserve to be called his friend.
"Don't," she warned. "I don't need your pity. And don't you dare make this all about yourself again, Kaneki. I know what you're thinking. This isn't about guilt or pride. This isn't about living on the surface. This is just how life works." Her eyes looked afire even through the deep blue waves surrounding them. "My father knew the risks. I do, too. But was naïve enough to believe it would be different for me, because I didn't share his idealism. Just the stubbornness to act upon his dying will."
Kaneki shook his head, digesting her words. "It's not pity," he explained. "It would be hypocritical of me." Touka scoffed, knowing he was talking about his own parents, but she still looked unconvinced, and so Kaneki decided to swim that last mile. It was only fair, after she'd gone that far out of her comfort zone to reassure him, even though both of them knew it wasn't really her place, nor her role. Kaneki swallowed. He really didn't deserve to have someone as beautiful as Touka in his life.
"I think you're really brave. Hide would think so, too."
That made her look sharply at him, an indecipherable glint in her eyes.
"I know I shouldn't be the one saying this," he continued, undeterred, "but you deserve to be happy, Touka. I know I couldn't be the one giving you that," a small, pained smile curved his lips, but he trusted that Touka would look past the apology and see the genuine sentiment behind the layer of unspoken words and painful memories. "But," and here his voice sounded confident. "I don't think Yoriko would ever intentionally hurt you."
It was Touka's turn to lower her gaze.
"And how would you know that, you dumbass? I didn't even tell her, yet. Maybe you're the naïve one after all."
Kaneki didn't even flinch at the expected sadness in her words, knowing them to be true. Still, if Hide had taught him anything, it was that you can't really be sure of someone's feelings until you confront them.
"I don't," he declared lightly, "but I think I know Yoriko. And she wouldn't see it as a hindrance to what you already have."
It was so ironic, the way it reflected the same impasse he and Hide were at. But Kaneki hadn't ever doubted Hide's loyalty. Rationally, he knew that Hide would still stay by his side even if he couldn't return the full extent of Kaneki's steadily growing affections for him. It wasn't even that Kaneki selfishly desired for Hide to feel the same. He could live with his friendship and still feel like the luckiest boy on the Surface or Deep Blue for having such a wonderful person in his life.
But sometimes, you just couldn't help but feel like it wasn't enough.
Sometimes, even knowing that you didn't have anything to fear, you couldn't help but feel scared all the same. It was a stage of growing up. Being an adult wasn't a synonym for overtaking one's deepest fears, but for learning to live with them, despite them.
Kaneki didn't know if he could consider himself an adult, yet. What he knew was that he wanted to live as long as it took to become one, to grow up and to grow old with Hide.
Touka stopped swimming abruptly, sighing audibly, her breath puffing little bubbles in the clear water. "To think it would come the day you'd act like the mature one..." but now she was smiling too, despite herself.
"We're both idiots," Kaneki concluded, returning the smile. Touka raised her gaze to his face in a silent question. "I don't think either of us has really anything to worry about."
The punch she then gave to his shoulder felt weak to both of them, but neither addressed it, instead choosing to release the tension that had gnawed at their hearts like a vice grip with a sharp bark of laughter. It was unstable, still bordering on regret and fear for the unknown ahead of them, but it was something to start from.
And maybe Kaneki had come there to search for a condemnation, an excuse to wiggle out of his own happiness again, to dwell in the past and never allow himself to look forward, at his older self with graying hair; but now, laughing until his belly hurt from the exertion, he realized that maybe what he and Touka had always wished for was just the confidence to believe they were entitled to that happiness too, without having their persisting sadness meaning any less for it.
If they'd noticed that the space between their shoulders as they swam side by side had slimmed after that, neither of them felt like it was necessary to point it out, because friends didn't need verbal communication all the time, did they?
They proceeded in silence after that for who knows how long, each of them pondering heavy thoughts and the scary possibility in front of them. It was only when Ryouko-san's house came into view, a small cave far in the distance, that Touka finally broke the silence.
"Let's leave this at the back. I want to say hi to Hina."
Kaneki nodded. He could tell from the lightness in Touka's eyes that she had come to the same conclusion. She just needed the extra push.
He smiled.
x.
It was only later on that day, sprawled lazily on his Surface Home bed, that he realized that if Hide hadn't unmasked Kaneki's nature on his own, Kaneki would have never found the courage to open up to him, in fear of scaring him away. Hide had never told him how he had come to that conclusion before they even properly met, and Kaneki had never asked. But still, throwing his pillow up in the air and then catching it in his hands before it could fall flat on his thoughtful face, Kaneki was stuck by an epiphany.
His arms stilled, still up in the air, and he sucked in a sharp intake of breath.
He was such an idiot! It must have been equally scary for him, too. They hadn't known each other, yet, but Kaneki now knew that he had been in Hide's radar for quite a while, before he'd first approached him, Hide had confessed as much.
Stupid, stupid, stupid. How could he not have realized this sooner? Hide had crossed that scary path a long time ago already, when he had reached out to him that day by the river, when he'd smiled kindly at Kaneki's soaked clothes and had given him his volleyball jacket. A jacket that Kaneki had yet to return, even after months. He wasn't planning on doing it anytime soon, and he knew that Hide had requested another one anyway. A bitter chuckle found its way past Kaneki's lips, as he opened his palms and let the pillow smack him on his face.
Maybe Hide had been waiting for him to bridge that distance all this while.
x.
To: Hide
Hey. Sorry for the short notice. Do you want to come over tonight?
(19:47)
From: Hide
sure!!!
did something happen, buddy?
(19:50)
To: Hide
Nothing to worry about. Just got something on my mind I want to talk with you about.
(19:50)
From: Hide
now ur worring me, man! did I do something wrong?? youd tell me if that was the case right? wait no thats exactly what ur doing
(19:51)
From: Hide
it isnt me right Kaneki???? do I need to punch someone ( ง '̀-‘́) ง
I have a pretty mean punch u know
(19:51)
To: Hide
It's not you.
(19:51)
To: Hide
Bring your bunny plushie. We're going to need it. And maybe rent a movie, too?
(19:52)
From: Hide
oh I see. whyd u scare me like tht if u just wanted a cuddle night
(19:53)
From: Hide
Ill bring popcorn too
(19:53)
Despite the fear gnawing at his heart, Kaneki's lips curved upwards in the brightest smile he'd worn that day. Hide always knew what to say to make him feel better, even if he felt just as scared himself.
It was Kaneki's time to be brave now.
x.
The movie Hide chose to rent for their "cuddle night" was a horror one. A horror movie with a lot of gruesome scenes that made Kaneki cringe at their crudeness. He gave a sideway look at his friend, marveling at his dubious taste, when the protagonist on screen escaped from his high security cell by sticking a chicken bone in his guard's hand and using his surprise to his advantage, stealing his keys to open the lock, but not before cannibalizing the poor man. Hide caught his gaze and gave him a grin.
"This is awesome, isn't it?" Apparently it was one of Hide's favourites.
Kaneki sighed, resigning himself to his fate. He briefly wondered if he could inch closer to his friend under the pretense of being scared, but he dismissed the thought quickly. Hide would have seen through the awkward attempt at flirting, for one, and it wasn't like Kaneki really felt afraid. Not of the movie at least.
He chose to be honest instead, and dropped his head on Hide's shoulder with a deep sigh nonetheless, not saying anything. The intimate gesture felt like second nature, and Kaneki took a moment to appreciate the silent comfort of Hide's presence next to him, the slow rhythm of his breathing, the steady pulse of his heartbeat, the warmth of his skin through his thin shirt. Hide instinctively shifted to better accommodate his bestfriend's weight, but made no further move to acknowledge the shift in the air, even though Kaneki could tell that he had caught on to the unspoken ' is this okay? '. Kaneki laid there completely still, relaxing further, waiting.
It took an heartbeat, or maybe two, but then Hide's arm raised to circle his shoulders. Kaneki glanced up at him, thoughts of the movie still playing on screen completely discarded to give way to much more pressing matters. Hide appeared to be completely engrossed in it, though. His eyes followed attentively the crescendo of intensity on screen, while the tv let out an eerie music that would have usually kept Kaneki on edge, waiting for the inevitable jump scare. But Kaneki's mind was elsewhere.
Hide's arm had moved completely on autopilot, Kaneki realized, as though it was second nature for him, too. His lips curved in a smile, and he melted in his best friend's embrace.
I knew I had no reason to doubt him , he thought.
x.
When the movie ended, both boys made no move to turn the dvd player off, instead lingering in the comfort of their mutual presence in each other's arms, limbs tangled and chests warm. They had shifted position sometimes after Hide had inadvertently shoved the popcorn bowl with his elbow and let it fall all over the sofa, and now Kaneki was laying on his back taking up most of the space, his legs over Hide's lap, who was hugging the bunny plushie close to his chest, his own legs crossed under the weight of Kaneki's. Kaneki looked at him, amused. The music kept playing as the ending titles rolled on screen.
Hide was the first one to talk.
"So, was it any good?" he asked, fighting the urge to smile at Kaneki's expense. He already knew from Kaneki's expression that he had spaced out halfway through it, but he didn't say anything outright to address the preoccupations he knew were on his friend's mind.
Kaneki mumbled an half-hearted assent, and Hide pushed Kaneki's legs off him to face him and nudge at his thigh with a socked foot. Kaneki looked at it.
"Why are you wearing mismatched socks, Hide?"
Hide ignored him. "Then we should watch Red Dragon next," he declared, "It's the sequel."
Kaneki sent him a curious glance. "You brought it with you just in case, didn't you?" he asked, amused. He knew as well as Hide that they were only stalling for time. He had heard loud and clear the unspoken you're not ready to talk yet, are you?
Hide didn't even blink. "Sure thing I did!" he admitted easily around a big grin. "I didn't know for how long you planned on cuddling." He said this with a completely straight face, and though it made Kaneki flush a fiery red, he saw no hint of malice behind Hide's words. Well, he couldn't deny that the possibility of just staying huddled up to his friend sounded ten times better than that of his dreaded confession.
He sighed, stealing the plushie from Hide's hands, squeezing it tight and hiding behind it. "Maybe another time," Kaneki said. He was done with running away from his responsibilities.
Hide must have caught on with the sudden somberness, because he straightened and gave Kaneki his undivided attention. "Are you going to ask me where to bury a body, buddy?"
Or maybe he hadn't.
Kaneki's eyes peered at him from behind the plushie to level him with the most unimpressed glare he could muster with the dread he already felt coiling in his gut, which admittedly wasn't much at all. He groaned.
"You are, aren't you?" Hide came to his own conclusions, managing to sound both horrified and thrilled. "Jeez, Kaneki, you know I wouldn't call the cops, right? You can tell me about it! You have my word for it. My lips are sealed shut!"
He made the gesture of zipping up his lips and then throwing something away. His dignity, maybe.
Despite his better judgement, Kaneki couldn't help the burst of giggles that broke free from his throat, and for a second he felt like he could breathe again. Like everything was going to be fine. So he indulged in the thought, and took a few extra moments to just look at Hide, properly look at him. At the crinkle in his eyes when he smiled, at the flecks of gold in the pool of brown of his eyes, like autumn leaves dancing on melted chocolate; and then down, at the relaxed muscles of his shoulders, at the casual way his hands were on his lap, palms up, waiting. Everything about his figure spoke of comfort, of unwavering acceptance. Yet, Kaneki knew that he must have been aware of the tension of a few seconds before, he must have felt the strain on Kaneki's heart, the quickening of his pulse from the contact of skin on skin, where their legs touched.
And he had said nothing, instead choosing to laugh about it.
Oh, Hide... I don't deserve your kindness. But please forgive me, because I want it for myself all the same.
"Hey, Hide?"
Hide hummed, waiting.
"Why did you chose to approach me that day by the river?" Kaneki finally inquired. It was a roundabout way to broach the subject, he knew that, but he couldn't help his own curiosity on the matter. He recalled that Hide had never told him how he'd figured out Kaneki's nature. Kaneki had wondered more than once if he had slipped in his act, or if Hide had just been more perceptive than the average human. The former was a much scarier possibility, because he knew that not all people were as accepting as Hide.
His mind came back to his conversation with Touka, and he thought of how brave her parents must have been to chose to live on the surface to follow Arata's wish for a peaceful coexistence. How brave his own must have been, too. He thought of the sharp slap of reality and how it must have hurt, when their neighbors had deemed their behaviour, their curiosity, their open embrace to cultural differences, strange enough to give notice of it to the authorities. They hadn't repaid Arata's kindness of heart in kind, instead deeming him a beast. They had looked at his diversity and never stopped to consider their own from his perspective. They had chosen not to care.
If he had been in Arata's place, what would have Kaneki done? No, if he were to be in the same situation in the future , what would Kaneki do? And Hide? Was he ready to subject him to such an inhuman choice, that of siding with his family or with his own kind?
Kaneki had thought that it was right to be selfish, if it meant pursuing his own happiness. But only now was he realizing that maybe his own happiness didn't coincide with Hide's.
He wasn't willing to accept a surrogate. If Hide wouldn't be happy too, there was no point for Kaneki to ever choose that route.
Lost in his own oppressive thoughts, he hadn't realized that Hide had yet to reply. The silence between them felt heavy, strained with words unsaid, words that neither of them knew whether to say at all.
"I chose to," Hide finally said, "because you needed a friend."
Kaneki looked up at him. Was it just pity, then? He should have expected as much.
"But," Hide added, and it sounded sharp, like he was hurrying to put a band aid to an already open wound, ignoring the blood pouring from it, choosing to believe it could be enough stop an hemorrhage. "That's the thing: I wanted to be that friend, Kaneki. I saw how they bullied you after class and that's not why I first came to you."
He paused, sighing deeply. He stole the bunny plushie from Kaneki again, and shifted in the couch until his shoulder brushed against Kaneki's. "It sounds so lame now that I'm saying it out loud!" He groaned with a lightness that for the first time that night sounded forced. He gave him a look and scratched his cheek in a self-conscious manner. "I talked to you because I saw how you smiled at the words in your books, y'know? But never to another person. It just made me curious. I thought 'what's on that book that makes him smile like that?' and I don't know, it started from that. Just an open curiosity, I guess. I wanted to know how different that smile could be if directed to a person." Something in his gaze shifted and his hand stilled. "I wanted other people to see it."
Kaneki felt tears swelling in his eyes, but he pushed them back. Suddenly, he didn't know what to say anymore. But Hide took a brief look at him, understood, and went on. He could probably tell where Kaneki was going to go with this, he thought.
"I already knew you weren't fully human, and I didn't care about that. Okay, scratch that, maybe I was a bit curious at first," he scratched his cheek nervously again. "I may have even tried to follow you home," he admitted.
"Is that how you knew?" Kaneki asked, surprised.
Hide shook his head. "Nope. You always returned to this place. After the second time I felt bad about doing this behind your back so I stopped. It didn't feel right, y'know? If you didn't show me willingly, it felt like intruding, or something," he laughed awkwardly.
Kaneki nodded, grateful. He didn't know how to feel about being stalked by his friend -err, they weren't even friends at the time, but thinking about it in that light felt creepy, so he didn't indulge in the thought. Hide had sounded genuinely apologetic, at least. Besides, this was Hide . Kaneki could tell that Hide would have never done anything to endanger him.
"So how did you know? About me being a merman?"
"I figured it out," Hide replied simply.
This didn't make much sense to Kaneki. "How?" he blurted out, bemused.
Hide raised his legs to his chest and buried his face on the soft plushie on his knees. "My mother used to tell me bedtime stories about the merfolk. I didn't think much about it at the time. I never doubted they were fairytales until I started recognizing their truth in you," he confessed. He paused again, giving him a long, considering look. "Your eyes aren't completely human, for one. Did you know about that?"
Kaneki nodded. It was something the Elders had warned him about. Though his eyes looked human most of the time, they could shift to a kaleidoscope of shimmering blues and grays, if his emotions were particularly strong. Still, it was a subtle change, one the human eye would easily dismiss as a flicker of light, if not trained to see it. Kaneki only happened to experience the shift in his left eye, since he was an halfling. And Hide had noticed it? More importantly, he had known where to look for it?
Kaneki felt puzzled. It sounded alien to him, how a fairy tale meant for human children could sound so close to the truth. Scary, even. If some of the humans he'd met living on the surface knew about that trick, it could easily pose a threat to the whole merfolk community. Some humans only saw them as a weird breed of fish, an unusual and extremely dangerous type of animal to trap in a cage and experiment on.
Hide must have seen the fear in his eyes, because he added in a whisper. "I think my grandma was one. A mermaid, I mean. She had the same look in your eyes when you stare at the sea, the same melancholic longing, though she never admitted as much. My Grandpa was just a sailor, though."
All traces of fear, of doubt, completely left Kaneki's body. He now laid completely still, not even daring to breathe. Hide's grandparents had been Exiled? A mixed couple who chose to only live on land, just like Kaneki's parents? Did that mean that Hide, too, was a halfling? Did he have dormant merman blood in his veins? Would he be chased down just like himself, if people knew?
"Whoa, slow down, buddy," he heard more than registered Hide's sudden panic, or the hands that hastily found their way on Kaneki's shoulders to steady him. "Breathe for me, Kaneki. In and then out. Yeah, just like that, in and then out. I'm here. You're fine. Deep breaths. You're fine. Everything's fine."
It took a while, Hide never once faltering in his steady mantra of reassurances, until Kaneki felt like he could breathe properly again. He suddenly felt drained of all his energy. But he owed him an apology, if only for worrying him like that for apparently no reason.
Hide was still looking at him with a crease on his forehead, one that shouldn't have been there, and his eyes looked alight with concern.
Kaneki tried to speak past the ache in his chest. He could do this. "Hide, I..." but the words were once again lodged in his throat, too important to be swallowed down but too heavy to be let free. Kaneki took another big breath in and then dropped his forehead on Hide's shoulder.
"It's okay, buddy. You're okay. You don't have to force yourself to say whatever's on your mind," Hide reassured him, but Kaneki shook his head weakly, and felt Hide immediately still in anticipation, his body slouching against his. "Okay," he murmured then, "you've got this."
Hide's arms came to circle his waist weakly in an attempt at comfort, but their angle was awkward, so Kaneki shifted closer, and raised his face to look him in the eyes. Traces of worry were still there, mingled with the vast brown sea that had always made Kaneki feel like he could swim in it. It was comforting. It reminded him of Home, and he smiled affectionately when he realized that he had come to associate the most expressive feature of his friend with the calm reassurance of his Homeplace. It felt right, somehow.
"I am an halfling," he finally said, and his voice was steady. "My mother... She was human, but my father wasn't." His gaze dropped to his hands, and he started twisting them in his shirt just to have something to do with them. "He had a fascination with Human's literature," he continued, "and I think that's how he met mom. She was the local librarian in their town."
Hide nodded, not questioning the reason why Kaneki chose to tell him about something so personal.
"They loved each other deeply, and the only thing that could equal that love was the desire to integrate merfolk children in the human society. My father thought that he could educate people to coexistence. He had nothing but good intentions." And here he paused, taking a shuddering breath. It was the first time he was telling a story he had been told himself, with severe frowns and pity in the Elders' eyes. He had been too young to understand when everything took place. A few days old, already carrying and impossible legacy between his tiny toddler's shoulders.
He seemed to shrink in himself at the thought of what followed, and Hide automatically shifted closer, to remind him that he wasn't alone anymore with the shuddering pulse of his heartbeat, a steady mantra of I am here.
Kaneki peered at him for a second. "But sometimes good intentions aren't enough to change people's hearts." Hide didn't agree, but said nothing. He didn't dare interrupting his friend. "They found out about his nature and trapped him into an establishment, to experiment on him and discover how a fish could talk," Kaneki grimaced, and Hide squeezed his shoulder in silent empathy, even as his body shook in outrage and his eyes flashed the hurt he felt as though it was his own. This could've happened to his own grandmother. To Kaneki. To Nishiki Nishio, and who knows whom else. It wasn't right. It wasn't how it was supposed to go.
This shouldn't have been a possibility at all.
"My mom was devastated. She tried to broke him free of that facility, but she was only spared because at that time she had been pregnant with me." He gave Hide a self deprecating smile, and Hide suddenly realized that Kaneki blamed his existence for his parents' fate. He didn't see it as the blessing that saved his mother's life. He saw it as the hindrance that got in the way of his father's rescue.
How could he think that badly of himself, when his existence alone had been his parents' dream? Couldn't he see how much they had loved him?
Hide swallowed the lump in his throat. No , he thought, this couldn't be right.
"Hosting merfolk is a crime since back then. There had been sightings of Sirens, and the authorities were wary of their song. They thought we merfolk were one and the same with them because we too had a tail and the ability to speak, and they were so blind in their hatred they never looked back at their own cruelty. They threw my father's body in the sea to rot after they were finished, and my mother drowned herself in the attempt at rescuing it." He finally turned to face him, and there were tears filling his eyes. "She couldn't even swim , Hide!" His voice broke painfully on that word, and Hide finally understood .
He immediately wrapped his arms around Kaneki again, holding him as close to his own chest as physically possible, and he muttered equally broken apologies on Kaneki's hair as his friend wept, feeling the weight of the realization crush on him, making him feel incredibly small.
All this while, you had to suffer like this...
"Hey, Kaneki..." he started, uncertainly. There were a lot of things he wanted to tell him and even more he wanted to show him. He wanted for Kaneki to realize how much value there was in his life. But where to begin? How to push away a whole life of negativity, if that negativity came from Kaneki himself?
He decided to start from a simple fact , the one that wrapped it all up.
"You know I love you beyond anything else, right?" He breathed through Kaneki's locks. Kaneki nodded.
"I do," he admitted, because perhaps he had always known. But he had only realized it now. How foolish of him. "But I'm so scared, Hide! What if the same happens to us?"
Hide instinctively tightened his grip on his friend, protectively. "I'm scared too," he admitted. "But you can't know. You can't tell what will happen in the future, buddy. Perhaps we won't ever be found out. Perhaps we will, and if so I will fight whoever dares look at you wrong," he said confidently.
Kaneki shook his head. "I can't let you."
Hide unwillingly parted from him to look in his best friend's eyes. "What do you mean?"
Kaneki shook his head again, but his lower lip trembled again. Hide wanted to kiss it. "I can't let you do that, Hide. I won't put your life in danger for my selfish sake."
Hide let go of his shoulders to raise a hand to Kaneki's forehead and flick him between his eyebrows. "That's silly," he declared. "If you're selfish for wanting to be with me then I'm selfish too, 'cause I don't wanna let you go."
Kaneki flushed, but lowered his gaze.
"We can't," he insisted.
"Sure thing we do."
"It's dangerous, Hide!"
"Don't care," he sing-songed.
Kaneki gave him a sharp look. "But I do! And I don't want to put you in my parents' situation! They could kill you, Hide!"
"Then we should treasure the time we already have and try to be happy," he quipped.
"Now that's silly."
Hide sighed. He knew that this argument wouldn't work with Kaneki, so he tried for another way. "Listen, buddy. I'm already happy. I already have what I want," he silenced Kaneki's protest of 'then why would you-' with a finger on his lips. "Shush, let me finish. I am happy with what I have now, with where I'm at now," he offered him a genuine smile. "Here, in this town that smells like seaweed and sailor's feet, in this claustrophobic house of yours with a rented movie and a popcorn bowl half emptied on your sofa cushions. And you know why's that?"
Kaneki looked utterly lost, and so Hide removed his finger and leaned in for a chaste, brief kiss. It was merely a brush of lips, but it left them tingling, waiting for more. It never came.
"Because I don't wanna change this for anything else in the world," Hide concluded.
If he was honest with his feelings, Kaneki too wanted this. Whatever 'this' meant for Hide. It didn't look like much to offer from Kaneki's perspective, but as long as Hide was happy and as long as Hide was in the picture, Kaneki wished for nothing more. But at the same time, he had a hard time accepting that this could really be what Hide wanted for his future. He thought this made him happy now , but what if it ended up not being enough in the long run? What if Kaneki ended up not being enough? What if he couldn't protect him from himself, from the threat that his crossbreed existence posed on his friend's shoulders? He couldn't let Hide be subject to this.
"That's not fair, Hide," he finally mumbled, tears in his eyes as one of his hands came up to his still tingling lips. It wasn't fair how much he loved him. It wasn't fair how much he couldn't claim none of this for himself, after he'd bridged that distance.
"What really isn't fair is how much you're cutting me out of that choice of yours," Hide said, then looked away.
He'd sounded hurt, and Kaneki's heart constricted with the thought that he had been the one putting that pain there.
"I deserve to have a say in this, Kaneki. It's my happiness just as much as it is yours," despite the hurt, his steady hand came up to Kaneki's face, brushing away the tears there. "Don't lie to me, I know this is what you want, too."
Kaneki bit his lips.
"Hey, look at me. We can do this, okay?" He thought back at that first day by the pond, at the words they'd exchanged before parting.
It takes a lot of courage to make it work. Without fucking it up, y'know?
Hide smiled, despite himself.
"Hey," he said gently, using the hand still on Kaneki's face to make him look at himself. "We can make it work. Without fucking it up," he said around a big grin. He knew that Kaneki was recalling the same memory by his look of recognition at Hide's words. "Because you just showed me how much courage you hide in between those skinny shoulders," he said, and he leaned in to kiss him again, this time properly.
It took one, two, three brushes of lips against lips before Kaneki whined, and closed that distance himself, chasing the sweet taste of Hide's chapped ones and melting against his best friend's body. All the resisting urge to fight the feelings swelling inside his chest faltered and crumpled down as Hide's mouth opened to accommodate him and they deepened the kiss until they were panting against each other's skin, forced to part to regain their breath.
Hide's arms came around Kaneki's waist to steady him, but they were trembling with the same onslaught of emotions as his friend's. Maybe he just wanted to keep him from running away. Maybe he just wanted to indulge in that moment where everything was still okay, none of them was in danger and their happiness wasn't at stake. Maybe he just wanted to cherish in the feeling of having his affections returned in kind, just as strongly and overwhelmingly as his own.
But maybe Kaneki's own thoughts were verging really close to where Hide's were headed, because he didn't let go, nor did he push Hide away.
Maybe Kaneki never wanted a reason to stay, just one not to leave.
As they finally looked in each other's eyes, still panting for breath, still wrapped in each other's arms, Hide couldn't help but search for Kaneki's answer in those familiar, beautiful storm gray eyes.
He found a swirling of blue and gray, barely discernible, like a flicker of light, at it was gone with the blink of an eye. Still, Hide was sure it had been there.
Smiling as Kaneki exhaled and sagged against him, he realized that it was all the promise he needed. With it, the future didn't seem just as scary anymore.
Kaneki took his hand and squeezed. Hide beamed.
x.
((Kaneki didn't know when or why he'd accepted all this. It was still scary, even if Hide's presence helped.))
(But admittedly, not as scary as the possibility of Touka coming to kick his ass if he didn't even try to make it work.)
x.
((Maybe it had been the thought of giving his parents' dream an happy ending that made him chose the right thing.
Or maybe, he had just claimed that wish for himself, because what he had always feared the most had been his past, not the future ahead of him, because the latter came with Hide's outstretched hand ready to pick him up at each stumble.))
(A hand he was more than willing to hold until he became gray.)