Archive of Our Own ^beta

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Believe it or not, there was a scandal on Olympus! Stop giving me that look it's surprising goddammit. I hope you know I’m giving you the biggest glare right now. Here is your loyal narrator demeter, and let's just say, this scandal was not pretty. What was it you ask? None of your business. Kids these days, thinking they have a right to know everything. The important part is that all the Olympians and most chthonic gods were confined to Mount Olympus, leading to incredible boredom. And nothing good comes of bored gods…

Dionysus was bored. Not in the way where you just get a drink and all the boredom goes away, no, the kind of boredom that sinks into your bones and has you glaring at a blank wall for an hour. It was like ants crawling under his skin, and he was fed up with it.

But what's a god to do? Leaving Olympus was out of the question, even this unrelenting boredom was better than facing his father's wrath. He had exhausted all gossip from his bar. What he needed was a project.

But what project? He wondered. Athena had some excellent stories, maybe getting her really drunk and having her retell them with her ridiculous reenactment? No, he had already done that during the quarantine. If only he could replicate it… wait. He was the god of theater. He should write a play!

He immediately went to find Athena and arrange a time for her to do a retelling of her best tale and for him to write it out. He should probably also call up Hermes to help them write it, he was the god of language, and Dionysus knew he had been getting antsy.

                         🎭 ///////////////////////////// 🎭

“Somehow I regret this already.” Athena moaned from her armchair. Hermes tittered from his chair with that creepy giggle of his, “Oh darling, it can only get worse from here.”

Athena had reluctantly agreed to tell her story as long as there was no wine, because she didn't want a ‘repeat of last time’. Hermes on the other hand had practically jumped at the opportunity, excitedly fluttering into the air when Dionysus invited him.

Though now he was questioning that decision.

“So my best story-” “Is anything interesting happening in here I'm bored” “Apollo what the heck?!” Exclaimed Athena, understandably annoyed at the interruption when she hadn't even gotten past her first sentence.

Apollo on the other hand was looking almost as hyper as Hermes, practically bouncing up and down. He was also wearing…

“Why do you look like Frankenstein?” Dionysus asked, staring at Apollo like he was putting on a performance. Which, in a way, he was.

Apollo was decked out head to toe like Frankenstein, fake screws in his head, impeccable makeup creating dry green skin and stitches, and ripped clothes. He had even somehow made his head look square-ish, even though if you looked closer you could see he had kept his normal headshape.

“Oh this?” He asked, as though they were the weird ones for asking about his getup. “Hyacinthus was talking about how he wanted to dress as Frankenstein for Halloween, but didn't know how to make it look really realistic, so I figured I'd test some stuff while we're stuck here.”

“Wow that's… something” Dionysus said, as Hermes gasped for air in-between his giggles and Athena just stared in disbelief. “We were just asking Athena to tell us her best story so we could make a play of it.”

“A play, huh,” replied Apollo. “Sounds cool. Oh, why don't we make it even better! The mortals have started creating these things they call musicals, they're like plays but instead of talking, people sing! And dance! I'll do all the composing of course.”

“Whoo hoo!” Hermes shouted, startling everybody “Let’s do it! Can I have a role?”

“Of course,” said Dionysus after recovering “Everyone will get roles, except Apollo if you don't mind, we'll probably need you in the pit, and doing makeup and costumes I guess. Y'know, based on this outfit.”

“Cool! Yeah I'll do it!” Replied Apollo excitedly.

“Eh-hem.” Athena cleared her throat to get their attention. “The story?”

“Ah, right, that. Continue!” Replied Dio awkwardly.

“So, this story begins with a little boy named Odysseus, and a wild boar I had enchanted as a test…”

                            🎭////////////////////////////🎭

“...and then they kissed. That was the last really exciting thing he did, there was the normal ruling stuff after that of course, but he didn't want to go on anymore adventures.”

“Awww, the story's over already!” they all whined.

At this point they were all cuddled around Athena on the couch, a blanket wrapped around them. They were leaning towards Athena, as if the story itself was dragging them in with some magical magnetic force.

All in all, they looked like a bunch of kindergarteners being told a bedtime story. A fact Athena was quick to remind them of when they started complaining.

“I'm sorry, do you also need goodnight kisses, or can you get over yourselves seeing as you're thousands of years old, and it is,” she checks her watch, “two in the afternoon.”

That certainly got them up nice and quick.

“Bye Athena!” Hermes called as the trio ran out the door, as if they could outrun their embarrassment. This of course made Athena chuckle, which didn't help them get over their embarrassment in the slightest.

“So,” Apollo gasped once they'd made it out the door “What do we do now? I can start composing once I have a solid outline.”

“I already have a plan for that!” exclaimed Hermes excitedly “Expect by dinner tonight.”

“Good,” responded Dio, “ we need that done. But we also need a cast, just us three can't do it alone. And more costume and makeup people. Oh, and more musicians for the pit of course.”

“Hypnos is bored too, and I know he's good with the clothing and makeup stuff, I'll recruit people for the costume and makeup department, as well as extra musicians.” Apollo piped up helpfully. “Hmmm, I wonder if the muses would help with the music, they're pretty good…”

“Great.” replied Dio, clearly already making a checklist in his head, as evidenced by his far away look. “Now all we need are the actors.”

“Oh I have some ideas.” Hermes chimed in. “Come with me darling.

Chapter Text

“Hermes could you stop?” moaned Dio

Hermes, who was humming ‘Pure Imagination’ from ‘Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory’ paused and turned to face him.

“But darling,” he started “You must 🎵 come with me, and you’ll se-🎵

“Ugh!” grumbled Dio, “Hermes-”

“Ah!” Hermes clapped his hands together. “Here we are. Apollo?”

“Hi!” Exclaimed Apollo “Are you going to find Hyp? I told you I'd do it. Or do you have other business in the underworld wing?”

“We're going to find one of our actors.” Hermes explained “They should be right in-”

“Uncle Hades's room?” Dio interrupted, suspicious. “You really think he'll want to perform in our play?”

“Not uncle Hades silly,” Hermes scoffed before opening the door “Hello Persephone!”

“Ugh, whaddya want now asshole, I was taking a fucking nap,you mother fucker.” Groaned a girl who looked rather missed and as if she did indeed just gotten woken from a nap.

What did she look like that gave it away so completely, you ask? Well, for one her brown hair, the color of mud, which seemed like it would usually fall in pretty waves, was in a frizzy rats nest. In fact, all of her seemed to be different shades of mud. Slightly lighter and pinker skin, and incredibly dark brown eyes. Which were accentuated by reason number two, which was her pj's.

She had on a black silk nightgown with puffed sleeves, and underneath some pastel flower and butterfly shorts that were totally at odds with her nightgown. However she didn't seem to care about that, not even when others saw her. In fact, she seemed like a person who didn't give a sh*t about what anybody thought.

However, the thing that really gave it away was her glare. And, the screaming. Both from her, and the two gods who had dared to wake her up. Suffice to say, you don't wake this girl up.

Once the boys had recovered, Apollo figured he needed to find Persephone. After all, there was no way this crazy girl could be the sweet and gentle goddess of spring, right?

"Um…” started “You haven’t by any chance seen Persephone have you? We were just looking for her and we seem to have gone to the wrong room. Or are you one of her handmaidens?”

She snorted “Hermes who is this guy?”

“My brother Apollo” Hermes snickered. Why were they all laughing? What was so funny?

Here's a hint, my dear readers: I certainly didn't take three paragraphs to describe some rando for kicks.

“Styx,” the girl laughed “for a god of enlightenment, you certainly have been kept in the dark.” At this she turned to the other gods, “See what I did there? Ha! Enlightenment, ‘cause he's both the gods if knowledge and the sun?”

This earned a snort from Hermes, who, as the god of language, could never resist a good pun.

“See, this guy gets it,” Exclaimed the girl triumphantly “Anyway darling, I am Persephone. So what biz? Or did you just come to bask in my glorious presence?” She asked, finishing off with a dramatic twirl.

“Ummm…” said Apollo. You could practically see his brain working overtime to try and discover how this girl, could be the same person as the sweet, flowery Persephone he saw at grand banquets occasionally.

Noticing his expression, Persephone let out another giggle, rolling her eyes. “Oh dear, you expected the silly girl I play at gatherings. Don't you know that is nothing more than an act to appease father? As long as I play his perfect little flower queen at gatherings, he'll leave me alone, and not bother constantly with complaints.”

“Oh. Well, uh-” Ak-ward Thankfully, Hypnos and his twin Thanatos came walking in at that moment.

As sleep and death incarnate, they both had saggy grey skin, and cross between a corpses skin and fabric. They were wearing flowing cloaks that shimmered with half images and old designs on a thick midnight blue fabric. Exactly what kinda fabric, I couldn't place.

Their hair was light grey, almost white, but where Thanatos's was long, strait, and braided at the top, Hypnos's was above his shoulders and curly, for

“Oh hey guys!” Exclaimed Hypnos, waving. Then he looked at Apollos face. “Sorry, are we interrupting? Sometimes me and my brother have a way of killing a conversation y'know” He started cracking up.

“Hyp… no.” Said Than, shaking his head like a disappointed parent. “That joke… it was so bad.”

“Actually,” Apollo butted in, desperate to escape the increasingly awkward conversation with Persephone, “I was looking for you! Just stopped in to say hi to Persephone while I was near by.”

“Right…” replied Thanatos, narrowing his eyes in clear suspicion.

Hypnos, who had his own suspicions but chose to hide them, smiled brightly. “Why were you looking for me? Is there anything exciting happening? Oooh, are you hosting another sleepover party!”

“Wait.” Dionysus cut in, looking at Apollo in mock betrayal “You had a party- and didn't invite me!? The betrayal. To think I called you my favorite brother.”

With that he sank, moaning, to the floor, clutching in desperation at Apollos robes. He dragged Hermes down with him. At first this resulted in a yelp and Hermes face getting a lovely introduction to the floor, he soon caught on, and began also moaning in betrayal.

However, this was cut short only seconds after it began due to a startling realization:
“Wait, favorite brother?”

“Favorite older brother.” Dionysus amended. His attempt at false innocence however, was soon thwarted by his growing smirk.

“I fucking raised you you little shit!”

Thanatos, valiantly trying to ignore the impromptu mock wrestling match and giggles coming from the floor, asked “So, what did you want him for?”

Apollo, trying (and failing) to copy Than’s example as the wrestling match evolved into a tickle fight below them, replied, “We're putting on a play based off one of Athena's war stories, and we wondered if you wanted to do the sewing.”

“Hell yeah!” Hypnos exclaimed, pumping his fist in the air. “I'll ask Morpheus if he wants to help with the special effects and sets too. And I bet Iris would love to help paint. Oooh, and I'm sure Charon would love to help with the carpentry and other stuff that goes into the set. Same with Hephestus, he'd also love the prop design. And Hecate also loves special effects. Oooh, and aphrodite will probably help with makeup, as well as wanting to be in the play. She can't sing” he dropped down to a whisper, “but don't tell her I said that.” Returning to his normal voice, “but she loves being in the spotlight, and Artemis loves singing but hates being in the spotlight, so aphrodite can lipsink to her singing if we say it was Artemis's idea because she really wanted to sing. They might seem like they wouldn't get along, y'know, love vs. someone who is literally nicknamed ‘arrow ace’, but they both have very similar views on women's rights and how they should fight for them. And they both respect each other's preferences surprisingly well. Nike will also probably help act, just to add another accomplishment to her shelf. And, the mu- why are you looking at me like that.”

At this point, everyone had stopped whatever they were doing to stare at hypnos as if he had two heads. Even Hermes and Dionysus had stopped their tickle fight to stare in consternation at the guy who just spouted about 100 facts about them that they didn't know, most of them about their own siblings. Even Thanatos looked surprised.

Finally Persephone spoke up. “How do you know all that?”

Hypnos grinned, and suddenly Apollo understood why he and Hermes were such good friends. They both had the same mischievous nature, even if Hypnos's sweet nature often canceled his out.

“It’s amazing what people let slip when they think you're asleep. You hear all kinds of things, including who your friends are. You remember that giant fight me and Hera had a while back? That wasn't just for not protecting me from Zeus.”

For Apollo and Persephone, this cleared up absolutely nothing except reaffirming the statement that, yes, Hera is a horrible person. A statement that didn't even really need that reaffirming. Like, it's Hera. No secret there.

“So…” said Apollo, confused “When you seem to be asleep, are you really just not able to use your physical form so we assume you're asleep? Or are you, like, still able to process stimuli from the outside world while asleep?”

Which was not what Hypnos said in the slightest.

However for the other three, understanding was dawning. Or in Thanatos's case, was at noon placement because he had known this for years, being Hyps twin brother.

So Thanatos understood because of many lifetimes of secrets passed between him and his brother, and Hermes understood because trickery was his domain after all, but Dionysus understood for a different reason. A more, personal reason.

“I think I know what he means.” Dio said “I do a similar thing when I pretend to be drunk.”

“Wait, Pretend?!” Asked Apollo flabbergasted

Dio just rolled his eyes. “Yes pretend. Don't you know about alcohol tolerance? Do you know how much of it I've built up over the years? I couldn't get drunk if I tried. I just pretend so I can hear stuff I'm not supposed to. When you seem super drunk, people will often let things slip. For example, did you know that Ganymede has this crazy crush on Aristaeus?”

“The beekeeping guy?” Asked hermes, always ready for gossip “I can absolutely see that. But I thought he liked Iris?”

“No, no.” Said Dio, eager to chat “Their love is completely platonic. Well, Iris used to have a crush on him, but he wasn't into her. The guy's guy, after all, and she respected that. It's been a couple thousand years though, in fact, she was the one he was talking about Aristaeus to. The guy was moony.”

“Okay, back to the topic.” Said Thanatos. “How about we go recruit these people?”

A little while later…

You won't find out about until later! Ha! Next time think twice about being so nosy about scandals that don't concern you! Just because of that stunt you pulled at the beginning, I, the most amazing of the Olympians and your humble narrator demeter, have split this part into an extra chapter! It's definitely not because the author decided that she wanted to randomly lead the glow of conversation to all her personal headcannons, that would be insane.

Oh all right. To tide you over, just think of all these gods, buzzing around and accidentally knocking into things because that's just what they do. Also, a wip drawing of hypnos has come from the author, Chaos, who claims to be the twin of Khaos, but he says he's never met this girl, so probably another stalker. :)

Chapter Text

Click the link below

http://youtube.com/post/UgkxPaErnoIXgmqXDnN8YmLhs66MeabpjgcU?si=obdc5CpYhnYAMlrp

Chapter Text

Rehearsal bloopers (from the directors clipboard)

Auditions

Dionysus (Baritone) : Begins singing that one drinking song (if you know, you know)

Hermes (tenor): Begins belting blank space by Taylor swift.

Apollo (baritone): Starts trying to sing flight of the bumblebee. Key word trying. This bumblebee has clearly stung someone at this point.

Persephone (soprano): She sang super well! Had… what's the opposite of stage fright? Stage overconfidence. It went downhill from there. Still trying to figure oit where to hide the bodies.

Aphrodite (mezzo (we think)): I dunno, I had to immediately cover my ears.

Artemis (Alto): Au Claire de la lune. Everyone was crying at the end. How. How did she do that. IT’S AU CLAIRE DE LA LUNE FOR CHRISTS SAKE!

Nike (Alto): We ran in fear. Her battle songs would make even Kronos cower. Turns out she was going to sing ‘can you feel the love tonight’ but whatever. We heard her sing a bit of that, and now she's lead dancer with NO LINES. PLEASE.

The muses: The pit sounds great. I could do without the murders, but other than that…

The techs have malfunctioned:

Set design:

1. Charon - everything (very, crank- whatever do you mean Charon I'm not writing anything down.)

2. Morpheus - the details and weird extra stuff ( note to self: obtain earbuds for screaming. Have hermes steal the- No Hermes!)

3. Iris - PAINTING(she is why there are rumors of a paint monster who lives in the theater and is going to eat us all)

4. Hephestus - the actual carpentry and metalworking that comes before painting (I'm scared. You should be - Hephestus. 😰)

Special effects and props:

Morpheus - the trippy stuff (yup, definitely need earbuds for the screams)

Hecate - the trippy stuff as well as the boring less creepy stuff like lighting. (Boring. SORRY HECATE I'LL CHANGE IT I SWEAR!)

Hephestus - Turns out he's a sucker for tiny little detailed props. Who knew. He also likes Hello kitty apparently. And can bake cupcakes. ‘DITE WHY DID YOU DIVORCE THIS MAN.

Makeup & costumes

Hypnos - costumes. He's so good he's scary. Or maybe that's because he keeps silently sneaking up behind me. Yeah, that’s prob- [From somewhere behind him “Watcha dooooin’?”] ahhhhhhhhahsfhdfjxk dblissibs

Apollo - attempts costumes. His drawings of them look pretty good, and then he tries to sew. On a not so unrelated note, Ares is set to be discharged from the hospital after a certain costume related incident in 5 days! Also on makeup.

Aphrodite - Makeup. All right now,raise your hands who's surprised anyone.

Athena - wants no part in this, but is a bored goddess of crafts so she has to at least help with the costumes and stuff. Also, mini director. What do you mean that isn't the correct term, of course it is!

Thanatos: Hypnos's entertainment (how can he rant about chocolate milk for 10 HOURS)

🎭////////////////////////////////🎭

Mic checks

Artemis: Drown in your sorrow and fear!

Aphrodite: damn, I just said that you should switch up the braid with smaller braids and a ponytail, geeze.

Persephone at the same time: I'm queen of the underworld, creepy stuff is my domain. Stay in your lane lune-y!

Hermes: *laughs* lune-y. ‘Cause she's the moon goddess. Ha! Anyway, you okay artie?

Dionysus: Wait, guys, that's literally her line.

Artemis: Yeah I'm fine. That was until you called me Artie! Artie, for goodness sakes.

Hermes: *laughs awkwardly *

Artemis: Run.

Hermes: Yup, figured. *sprints*
_______

Thanatos: For gods-sake Hyp! Do you have to make this living hell?!

Hypnos: If that's what I need to do to hear the screams coming from your room when I put a tarantula under your pillow? Then yes.

Charon, in sign language as always: He has a point Than. Scaring you is a lot of fun little brother. Don't try this little prank on me hypnos

Hypnos, with his fingers crossed behind his back: I would never. I promise!

Charon, seeing the fingers: *dramatic sigh*

Charon: Anyway, why did you say it like that thanatos?

Thanatos: What?

Charon: You used Christian swears that are not part of the religion we're gods in. Why do that?

Hermes: *spawns*

Hermes: No, no, I've heard of this. It was in one of those ao3 chatfics, called a Christian swears jar. Only, the all powerful author can't find the fic. So, we should call it something else if we can't give credit. We should call it…

Hypnos: the Cristian swear sock!

Charon: What.

Hermes: Yes! …wait, sock?

Charon: That's it, I'm going back to peace and quiet *poofs*

Hypnos:I ran out of ideas okay. I'm very tired and a sock can also hold money!

Hypnos: …right?

Hermes: The Cristian swear sock it is!

Thanatos: Sweet Jesus, this is so dumb.

*Thanatos has contributed to the Cristian swear sock.*

Thanatos: I… what?

Hypnos: Yay! It works! Now let's go get it's room together.

*hypnos and Hermes prance off*

Thanatos: …what?

🕑 A few moments later 🕑

Hypnos and hermes return with a very… refreshed…sock.

Hermes: Don’t worry folks! We will search tirelessly for that fic! And in the meantime, conveniently forget about the trademark on that Christian swear jar!

Hypnos: Yeah! That definitely won't come back to haunt us or anything.

Hermes: Dude.

Hypnos: What?! It's true.

Thanatos: Can't argue with that one.

A time bomb begins ticking in the background as the least chill foreshadowing ever

Hermes: …yeah, we're screwed.

________

Hypnos, reading the script: I don’t understand, why didn't they just stock up on food somewhere in Troy? They could pretend they were Trojans, and get away with it no problem.

Thanatos: Because they didn't have enough trojan money and nothing’s free.

Dionysus: fun is free

Aphrodite: love is free

Apollo: light is free

Artemis: adventure is free

Hermes: anything is free if you take it without paying.

________

Persephone: How are you so awake?

Apollo: I'm an early bird

Dionysus, sitting down and yawning: I'm a night owl

Persephone, sighing: I'm some form of eternally exhausted pigeon.

Hermes, leaping in at to speed: And I'm an over-caffeinated roadrunner!
________

After the play is done

Thanatos: Whenever I feel down from now on, I'll think of the time spent here with you hyp.

Hypnos: awww

Thanatos: And I'll think, if I could survive hanging out with that idiot, I can survive anyth- *gets whacked in the face by a pillow, courtesy of Hypnos*

_________

Shows headshot of Hephestus

Artemis: This is Hephestus, Hephestus loves his personal space

Camera zooms out to show hermes, Apollo and dionysus all practically on top of Hephestus.

Artemis: These are his younger brothers, they also love his personal space!

_________

Persephone, looking at a giant hole in the stage where a light fell: Welp, that didn't work.

Hermes: Onto plan B!

Athena: Technically, this is plan G.

Persephone: How many plans do you have? Like, is there a plan M?

Athena: Yes, but Apollo dies in plan M.

Artemis: I like plan M.

Apollo: I don’t, what about plan N?

Athena: Hermes dies in that one.

Dionysus: No, we're not doing that one! Plan J?

Athena: Hermes dies again.

Apollo: Plan R?

Athena: … Hermes dies in that one too.

Hermes: Plan W? Plan O? Plan S? Plan K?

Athena: You die, then you die again, then Hephestus actually dies in that one, and it"s you again.

Hermes:

Athena: You're very killable okay?

Hermes:

Dionysus: Do any of your plans actually kill Artemis?

Athena:

Athena: … no.

_______

Apollo: We're missing something…

Dionysus: Teamwork?

Hermes: Cohesion?

Thanatos: A general sense of what we're doing?

Hypnos: And we forgot Charon.

Dionysus: Oh and that, yeah.

_______

Hermes: We're all set up, we can put on the game tomorrow! I'll start sending out the invites.

Dionysus, in a giant hood with dramatic lighting, in a fake deep voice: Let the games begin.