Chapter Text
[FX: Jazzy 1930s swing fades into a static-filled intro tune. A violin shrieks for a second before being strangled into silence.]
ALASTOR (cheerfully, with old-timey radio bravado):
Hellooooo, my dear devils and diabolical degenerates! It’s your favorite friendly neighborhood broadcaster, Alastor the Radio Demon, coming to you
live
from somewhere between perdition and your earholes!
Tonight on the broadcast we’ll be scrubbing the grime off Hell’s dirtiest rumors, wringing the truth from our most stubborn myths, and dipping our toes—cloven though they may be—into the bubbly bathwater of chaos!
Ahahahahahahaaa!
[FX: Phonograph record scratch and a manic giggle from a ghostly child.]
Segment One: Niffty’s Favorite Cleaning Products
ALASTOR:
First up! By popular demand—and several blood-scrawled letters—we bring you the definitive list of
Niffty’s Favorite Cleaning Products!
That darling little cyclone of cleanliness has more brooms than I have bodies buried in the bayou!
Let’s see...
Number three:
"Clorhex-Helline"
—Kills 99.9% of sin-stains and whispers unholy secrets to your bathtub grout.
Number two:
"Bleach, Please!"
—The label simply reads
‘not FDA approved, not even by Hell’s standards.’
And in the number one slot?
"ZestiZoul! Demon Zest in Every Spray!"
Infused with lemongrass, formaldehyde, and the tortured groans of an exorcist from 1876. Mmm... aromatic!
[FX: Spray bottle hiss and distant scream.]
Segment Two: The Vox Diaper Rumor
ALASTOR (chuckling darkly):
Now then, onto a topic that’s truly absorbing the attention of Hell’s gossip mill:
Does Vox wear adult diapers?
[FX: Audience gasp, thunder crash.]
I could dismiss this as low-brow tattle, but what kind of host would I be if I didn’t dive butt-first into the matter?
Reports have circulated that Vox was seen at a Nether-Mart purchasing an extra-large pack of “Boom-Boom Briefs: Because Even Demons Leak Sometimes.” But when confronted, he allegedly said—quote:
"It’s for a
cosplay,
you analog jackass!"
—end quote.
Mmmhmhm! Sure, sure, dear Vox. And I suppose Valentino’s "shampoo allergy" is why he’s bald as an egg.
I say: if the diaper fits, wear it! We shan’t judge... too harshly.
[FX: Wet squish. Distant static shriek of a furious Vox breaking something.]
Segment Three: Interview with Lucifer’s Favorite Rubber Duck
ALASTOR:
And now, a special treat for you fine fiends: a
one-on-one interview
with none other than...
His Majesty Lucifer Morningstar’s favorite rubber duck!
Please welcome:
Mr. Quackers von Hellsqueak.
[FX: Squeak squeak.]
ALASTOR:
Tell us, Mister Quackers, how long have you floated in the royal bathtub?
QUACKERS (voiced via squeaky-toy modulation):
Squeak squeak! Since the First Rebellion!
ALASTOR:
Fascinating! Is it true you’re made from the melted souls of cherubs?
QUACKERS:
Squeak! Yes! And a little bit of latex from the Garden of Eden’s original condom tree!
ALASTOR:
Riveting! Any juicy gossip from the bubble-bath kingdom?
QUACKERS:
Squeak squeak! Charlie still uses strawberry-scented shampoo, and Angel Dust hums Barry Manilow while exfoliating!
ALASTOR (delighted):
Scandalous! Hell hath no fury like a duck who
knows things.
ALASTOR (wrapping up):
And that’s all the
sin-suds and static
we have for tonight! Remember, my darling deviants—cleanliness may be next to godliness...
But in Hell, it’s just an excuse to see what filth lies beneath!
Until next time... keep your radio tuned, your diapers optional, and your ducks delightfully deviant! This is Alastor, signing ooooooooooff!
[FX: Big band flourish, squeaky duck chorus, demonic laughter echoing into static.]