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“Sorry for hurting you,” Hirano sat on his heels, pressing the paper-towel-wrapped ice pack against where redness was blooming across Kagiura’s cheek.
“Please don’t apologize,” Kagiura really doesn’t understand why Hirano’s apologizing again when, really, it was him who was in complete fault. “I acted on my impulses without thinking of you, so it’s my fault. I’m the one who should be sorry.”
The furrow in the blonde’s eyebrows and the frown on his face didn’t ease. His azure eyes seemed to be lost―in thought or in some place far away, Kagiura couldn’t tell. The last thing he wanted was for Hirano to drown himself in guilt for something that wasn’t his mistake.
This was, afterall, Kagiura’s fault. He was the one who had kissed Hirano, acting upon impulse and impatience, that too without seeking permission. He was the one to have broken boundaries―not Hirano.
Hirano, in Kagiura’s humble and totally not biased opinion, was sometimes far too generous and indulgent with him―to a level where it makes Kagiura wonder whether this generosity stemmed from responsibility or from the heart. (It’s the latter, Kagiura knows that but still, he can’t help but question it at times.)
Right now is one of those times.
Kagiura doesn’t know how to take Hirano’s… Response. The phrase, “I want to be with you”, has a double meaning: literally being next to someone, and the other, more romantic context being the desire to pursue someone romantically.
His gut churns as another wave of guilt washes over him.
“This…” Hirano admits, his voice, so soft and at the same time, so fragile, cuts through the nausea all of the thinking was causing Kagiura. “Is something I want to do.”
Mentally, Kagiura understands and equates this to being needy. What he doesn’t understand is how doing something for him constitutes as being needy.
Hirano removes the ice pack, slender fingers dancing tenderly against flushed skin. Relief in his eyes upon seeing the earlier redness having faded. “I like caring for you,” Hirano says, the waters of the azure ocean carrying so much emotion. “I want to care for you, let me care for you―this is my needy request.”
Kagiura can feel the chill of Hirano’s fingers against his warm skin and suddenly, he’s hyper-aware of everything: the intimacy, the gentleness of it all―within that, he realizes just how much Hirano cherishes him.
He has this sudden urge to hold Hirano within his arms and cherish the blonde just as equally. And with that, comes another ripple of guilt. He wants to desperately give back everything Hirano offers so effortlessly in ten-fold―but the question is: does he deserve to?
He’s an impulsive character without any sort of self-control to rein him in. He doesn’t deserve to be next to someone whose heart overflows with unbridled affection. At his sides, his hands twitch with an ache to move, to reach out.
“I never want to do anything like that to you ever again,” Kagiura can barely keep himself from trembling. It feels like he’s in the ocean, the pressure of the water pressing and pushing him further and further into the depths. “I’m scared that
“Kagi-kun,” Something in the water shakes, then there’s faint white rays filtering through. “I’m okay,”
Hirano doesn’t sound exasperated, though there’s a hard edge to his voice. His voice holds infinite patience. “I’m okay,” he repeats, using a hand to brush brown bangs away from jade eyes.
Kagiura can’t bring himself to believe those words.
“I didn’t think of kissing until recently, and that was because you wanted to.” Hirano acknowledges, changing his position so he’s sitting next to Kagiura. “And yeah, you definitely shouldn’t have done that.” Kagiura thinks Hirano has the right to sound angrier.
Hirano stares at him with an azure that pierces the waters Kagiura was floating in.
“I trust you.” He says simply, in the way that makes Kagiura’s heart ache, in the way that makes Kagiura fall in love all over again.
“I trust that you’ll listen to me when I say I dislike something.” Hirano continues. “I trust that you’ll stop when I tell you I’m uncomfortable. I trust that, in the instance you cross any boundaries again, you’ll apologize and we can discuss. I trust that you'll communicate with me.”
Kagiura makes a strangled sound before finally forcing the words out: “I don’t want to be someone who hurts you repeatedly,”
Hirano shakes his head. “Yeah, we’re gonna fuck shit up a lot,” he says, not unkindly. “It’s encoded in human DNA. Relationships don’t work without trials and tribulations―so it can’t be helped.”
Kagiura’s voice cracks, nails digging into the fabric of his pants. “Then―is it selfish to want to be with you even though I hurt you?”
The sound Hirano lets out this time is exasperated. “You didn’t hurt me, Kagi-kun.”
“But I crossed a boundary―” Kagiura tries to interrupt only to be overridden by Hirano.
“You did,” Hirano agrees, not in the least bit scolding. “And knowing that you care about me to the extent that you hold so much pain for a simple mistake makes me happy, and a little sad.”
Kagiura feels his lungs burn, as if the salt water had entered his respiratory system and was slowly eating through the flesh of the organ. “Doesn’t change the fact that I was impulsive and inconsiderate of your feelings.”
“It doesn’t,” Hirano says. “But your feelings make me happy, extremely happy.” There’s a blush on his face that he doesn’t bother hiding. “Knowing that you love me makes me happy.”
His voice is kind, so devastatingly kind that the ache in Kagiura’s heart grows―and Kagiura can’t bear it.
It’s the sort of kindness that doesn’t simply heal―it's the sort that claws deep into flesh and bone, holds them as if it were as precious as diamond and whispers in a softness akin to silk, you’re still worth loving.
And Kagiura, with his regrets, his flaws, his emotions laid bare for Hirano to see, finds that he can only tremble underneath it.
“Even if everything won’t overlap, even if everything isn’t part of a set, even if I have no fucking clue what the hell I’m doing,” Hirano dips his head, fiddling with his fingers before raising it and pinning Kagiura down with an azure that shines with the glory of the sun. “I want to be together―with you.”
The uncertainty is palpable. The sheer selfishness of their emotions was visible to the world.
“I love you, so, so much.” Kagiura’s voice breaks halfway through. “I want to be with you too. I’ll be happy just knowing that you’re the one by my side―I don’t want it any other way.”
Hirano’s eyes crinkle up, azure eyes sparkling in the dim lighting of the room as he smiles. “There’s no one else I’d rather be with, Kagi-kun.”
It's not perfect―they're not perfect. But with everything that overlaps and everything that doesn't, they form a union.