Work Text:
I Want It Back
Dess’s room felt so, painfully, unbearingly empty.
Of course, all of her belongings were still in place. Her skates, her flannels, even Azzy’s retainer had been left exactly where she remembered them to be. Or, at least, what she believed to be where she remembered them to be.
Her memory of the past few weeks was still fuzzy. She spent some time in the hospital, recovering from an illness the doctors only seemed to half understand, and told her even less about. Finally, that morning, she had been told she was able to head home. Her mother was, of course, occupied, and Noelle was off with Kris and the new girl. Dess didn't think they would want to see her for a while.
So she did the only thing she could think of doing: she went home. The house had never really felt like a place she could belong. The bright decorations and laughing santas had always felt so patronizing, and she had to fight her mother on multiple occasions for the right to decorate her room how she wanted (Even then, she still had to throw a santa in her closet every so often). But now, alone with her thoughts and fading memories, her room felt suffocating. Each item in it felt like it was from a lifetime ago. A life she wanted back.
She felt her scars ache as she closed her eyes and tried to place a memory to each object. Azzy’s retainer was from when he came over to help work on her song. He took it out so he could properly sing the lyrics they had written. She remembered laughing at how he stumbled over his words without it, but could recall being entranced by his voice once he found his rhythm.
She worked her way through the other stuff she could remember having in her room: her guitar, her skates, her rations. Each time she tried to recall any part of her past, it always came back to Azzy. He was always there with her no matter what she thought about. His eyes were always looking at her with such care from behind his dorky glasses, his smile shining so brightly it blew away any anxiety she was feeling. Painfully, Dess realized she couldn't remember what his fur felt like.
Her mind gradually slowed as her thoughts were overtaken by Azzy. She had thought about this like him before, sure, but now it hurt even more. The two of them knew about the feelings between them for years, she was sure of it. But something always held her back from saying something, from acting on it. Her voice always choked up, her hands always froze, and her eyes could never hold his gaze long enough. She had considered saying something to him when they left for college, when they were free of their parent’s pressure, but then the bunker happened, and she was too late.
The bunker. It flashed in her mind for only a second, but that was enough for a wave of unfamiliar memories to wash over her. Eyes in the dark, the clinking of armor, her flesh searing. It stretched forever, both the endless darkness and the time she spent wandering in it. Even now, in the darkness of her own mind, something lunged at her, and she couldn't stop herself from screaming.
“Dess!?”
Her eyes flew open, and she sat up quickly. So quickly, in fact, that she almost headbutted Asriel, who was leaning over her, his hands on her shoulders.
“Azzy?” She muttered, meeting his gaze for a second before suddenly feeling self-conscious about how she must look, and she pulled away. Azzy slowly lifted his hands, and the two of them moved apart to opposite ends of the bed.
“Are- Are you alright, Dess? I, um, I was coming by and heard you scream.”
Azzy awkwardly rubbed the back of his neck. “Sorry. I didn't mean to intrude on you, but I was worried.”
“You were… just coming by?” Dess asked, her gaze looking past him to her wide-open door, where a bag sat haphazardly tossed onto the floor outside. Asriel followed her eyes out to it.
“Well, I also wanted to bring you something. I still have a few of those old CDs we burned, I figured you could probably get better use out of them than me right now,” Asriel said with a half hearted chuckle, “Kris got to my player.”
Dess didn't laugh back, but pulled her knees close to her chest. She couldn't tell if her heart was pounding from the nightmare or from Asriel. An uncomfortable silence settled over the two, and Azzy averted his gaze to the floor. She could tell he was trying not to look at her. It took a few minutes for her to find her voice again.
“If my mom finds out you’re in here, she’ll kill you, y’know.” It had happened before, and hadn’t gone well then either.
“Right! Yeah, that’s a good point,” Azzy paused, nodding, “If you’re alright, then I can give you some space.” He stood to leave, and as he did, he gave her one last smile as he adjusted his glasses. To Dess, it was as if the room had gotten several shades brighter, and it was then she realized she didn’t want him to leave. She wanted him to stay, for them to watch terrible movies and play whatever game he’d found at a yard sale that week. She wanted to playfully tease him about Catty. She wanted him to comfort her like he had so often. She wanted her time with Azzy back.
“Wait, Azzy.” She started. He paused. “Can you… Can we go somewhere? Not here?” He exhaled, like he’d been holding his breath since walking into her room.
“I’d love to, Dess.” He said, “I, um, actually wanted to ask you, but I didn't know if you- or if it was too soon or-”
For the first time in a while, Dess let out a small laugh. He was cute when he was flustered. “Just let me get dressed Azzy, alright? I’ll be right downstairs.”
“Take your time Dess, I’ll wait as long as you need.” As he left, Azzy closed the door, and Dess let out a huge breath. She pulled a sweater out of her closet, threw it on, and haphazardly tugged at her hair with a comb. She was desperately overdue for a haircut, she thought. As she headed down the stairs, Asriel let out a small gasp.
“Hey, is that my sweater? I thought I lost it years ago!”
Dess looked down at the green and yellow striped sweater, and it was as if the memory of Azzy giving it to her during a summer rainstorm all came back to her at once. Her flannel had gotten soaked, and Azzy had given it to her to stop her from getting sick. She had teased him for it then, secretly she had cherished the sweater since.
“I… I didn't even notice," she said, grabbing the front of the shirt. A few strands of white fur still clung to the sweater. “Do you want it back?”
Azzy tilted his head to the side. “You can hang onto it for me. It looks nice on you, Dess.”
She playfully tapped him on the shoulder as she pushed past him to the front door. “C’mon, dork. Let's get out of here.”
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The two of them walked through the woods for a bit, with Dess mostly letting Asriel lead the way. Neither of them spoke much. Dess thought he was saving his words for later, which she understood. So much time had passed since they last truly had a heart-to-heart, and right now Dess wasn't sure if she still had hers.
Finally, they came to a spot they had been to hundreds of times. It was a small cliff overlooking the lake, with a large bed of stones in the center. Their time there had smoothened out a good portion of it, making it much more comfortable than it looked. The two of them sat down, side by side, and stared out over the lake.
“It’s beautiful tonight, isn't it?” Azzy asked, not taking his eyes off the lake. Dess pulled her knees closer in response. Azzy tilted his head towards her and sighed. “Look, Dess, I won’t… pretend to understand what you went through. I know Kris tried to explain it, but I just still don't get it. I just know it was a lot.” He placed his hand on her shoulder and turned to look at her directly. For some reason, Dess couldn't bring herself to look him in the eyes.
“I just, I want to be there for you,” Azzy’s voice slowly got lower as he continued, “You were always there for me when my parents got too loud or the stress of school was too much. You really saved me back then Dess, y’know? Through all their yelling and stuff, I could always come right here and just exist with you.” He paused, as if he was waiting for a response, but Dess couldn't give one. Instead, she lowered her head under his arm until she could push his hand to her other shoulder, and she could rest her head on his own. He stammered for a second, then slowly pulled her in closer and let out a sigh. It felt as if she was feeling his fur for the first time again, and it was so much softer than she could have imagined.
“I’m here for you Dess. You don't have to go through… all of this alone. Even if you just want me to be here, with you, together, then I would love to do even that. I’m with you every step of the way, Dess, no matter how long that road is gonna end up being. I want you back, Dess, I want to do everything I can to help you be yourself again.”
His voice was so sweet, Dess thought. Azzy had always been the more emotionally capable of the two, but even here he was surprising her. But, then again, that could be the result of the time they spent apart. How long had he rehearsed this for? She sat in silence for a while, until Azzy began to turn his head back to the water, and she decided it was time to say something. But, as she did, as she turned to look at him, her hand slipped on one of the loose stones, and she fell backwards, pulling Azzy down on top of her as he yelped.
Slowly, she watched as Asriel lifted himself up, and saw the realization of the position they were in dawn on him. His face flushed, and he began to pull himself up.
“Sorry, Dess! Let me-” Dess didn't let him finish, as she slowly raised her hands up to his back, interlocking her fingers behind him. He trailed off, staring down at her, his glasses crooked and fur ruffled.
“Just.. just wait a second Azzy, please” Dess said, letting it out as naturally as breathing. She had thought of something like this so many times, longing to have him in her arms. She had wanted so much back then, dreams that she had never been able to realize, things she had never been able to say. Dess wanted her thoughts back, her agency back, and most importantly, her life back. No more waiting, she thought, I’ve waited long enough. “Can we just stay like this, for a second?” Asriel swallowed and let out a small nod.
“Of course,” he said “of course.” Their breathing slowed as the entire world seemed to fade out besides the sharp features of Azzy’s eyes and the soft feeling of her hands on his back. Slowly, she pulled him in closer, and he moved with her. She lifted her back so his arms could go underneath, and together they pulled each other closer until her face was buried in the crook of his neck.
‘I’m here now, Azzy.” She whispered “I don’t want to lose you ever again. I don't want to spend another day without you.” She felt his grip tighten in response. She didn't know how long it was before she started crying, but soon enough she was practically sobbing into his fur. Something she couldn't explain had been building up in her all night, and now, at the happiest she’d been in years, she just couldn't continue to keep it inside.
“I’ve got you, Dess,” Came the sweetest voice she’d ever heard, “Fall apart if you have to, I can help hold you together.” That was the last strand holding Dess together, and she completely let herself into his arms. She couldn't hold him close enough, ignoring the rocks digging into her back. They stayed there for what felt like hours, in each other’s arms. Eventually, Dess lifted her head, and Asriel correctly took that as the sign to adjust, so they were both laying on their sides, looking at each other.
“I love you” The two of them said, together, at the same time. They laughed for a bit, then Dess reached up and adjusted his glasses. “I have for a while. I’m sorry I didn't say so sooner. “ Azzy said.
“Dont worry, I knew for a while. You have a pretty hard time being subtle.” Dess laughed, then stretched her neck to place a small kiss on his forehead, “Thankfully, I’m not so subtle, so I think this’ll work out”. Azzy practically turned bright red and stammered for a while. Dess laughed, her first real laugh in quite a long time, letting it fill the night air. Asriel gave a satisfied smile.
“There you are,” he said, “There’s the Dess I missed.” He brushed a stray hair out of her face. “Do you… want to go somewhere more comfortable? These rocks can't be too good for your back.” Dess rolled over, looking up at the sky, and took Azzy’s hand.
“Right now, this is exactly where I want to be.”