Archive of Our Own

    Dazai would never admit it, but he likes Chuuya's company. He always has since the day they met and Chuuya kicked him in the face. Now Dazai is the last person to ever believe in love at first sight but if anything was akin to that he and Chuuya's first meeting would be it. Ever since then.. Dazai couldn't help but find his life had gotten just a bit more lively and a bit more bright . Another thing, he would never admit. He’d never admit anything about his feelings in regards to Chuuya because he hates talking about feelings, their disgusting and icky and a sign of weakness when controlled by them. Which is why he feels completely and utterly pathetic and weak right now, sitting on the couch of his and Chuuya's shared apartment, alone, again. Like he has been for the past few days.

    Sometime after Chuuya had gotten an apartment for himself once he joined the mafia, Dazai had started breaking in and crashing there unannounced until Dazai being there was a common and normalized occurrence, to the point it could even now be considered their apartment instead of simply Chuuya's apartment. Dazai had a toothbrush and toothpaste there, he had clothes in the closet and his favorite snacks in the kitchen. It was their apartment and Dazai had become rather used to having a companion. Instead of the loneliness that ate him from the inside out, he found himself around someone constantly. And as much as he complained about having to be stuck around an annoying slug all the time he was actually scarily content with his current living situation.

    He found himself content just living .

    Yet, after a long time passed of getting accustomed to waking up either in Chuuya's arms or with the smell of breakfast in the kitchen, eating lunch for once in his life in the presence of another, or arguing over what to order for take out. Of cuddling up to Chuuya on their couch and watching some stupid horror movie together, it all just started to… stop. Chuuya was an executive now, along with himself and was starting to get sent on more Solo missions. Missions that went from lasting a few hours, to all day and then all night and then weeks on end. And whenever Chuuya got back he was too tired to hang out with Dazai and simply just went to bed. Dazai went from feeling content with companionship, to feeling alone, even in the presence of another.

    It was weirdly painful. He wasn't used to it, this feeling of caring about whether someone decides to actually tolerate him or not. But he did care now and the way his chest hurt whenever they were in the middle of a hangout, and Chuuya got a call and left in the middle of it just to go on another stupid mission and come back saying he had a headache before going to bed without giving Dazai as much as a chance to speak, hurt so much. It upset him, and yet why would he admit that? Feelings were a weakness and even with the bond he and Chuuya have formed over the time of being in the other's presence he still couldn't just communicate. Because admitting to things, Speaking out loud about how much you find yourself attached to someone's presence is dangerous in the mafia.

    Attachment has no place in the port mafia. Was something Mori had once told him, and he.. Couldn't not just take that as fact.

    So speaking on how Chuuya's absence bothered him was something so far out of his skillset it might as well be impossible because feelings were disgusting and icky and he never wanted to face them ever, even when he felt himself drowning in them. Even when on nights of Chuuya being miles and miles away and he found himself in bed unable to breathe, and he wanted so badly just to call Chuuya, he wouldn't. Because he never saw the point in it of even silently admitting he might miss his partner.

    He also didn't even know how to approach that conversation. Because he felt.. Selfish, for even being upset over his partner's constant absences from his everyday life. Chuuya couldn't necessarily control the missions he was sent on but also Dazai was sure Chuuya had some sort of choice in the matter being an executive after all so why did he constantly take all the far away missions Mori called him about? Was he trying to get away from Dazai? It would make sense, everything he never wanted to lose, always eventually left his life whether he had a choice or not. But he also knew Chuuya was quite the loyal dog and could simply be taking the missions out of some sense of obligation. Would Chuuya even stop taking the more long term missions if he asked? Was his loyalty to not refusing the boss stronger than his loyalty to his one and only partner? Dazai found himself unsure and that just made it worse.

    Which is why he found himself sitting on the floor of the living room of  ̶t̶h̶e̶i̶r̶ ̶s̶h̶a̶r̶e̶d̶ ̶a̶p̶a̶r̶t̶m̶e̶n̶t̶  his apartment, a bottle of cheap whiskey in his hand staring at the ceiling fan with a blank but so drained expression. Because he was already a few bottles in and not planning on stopping anytime soon. It was late, the sun long gone so the apartment was dark, the lights off as Dazai hadn't bothered to turn them on, his eyes well adjusted to the darkness around him as he took another swig of the alcohol with a delayed cough afterward. The apartment was a mess, Chuuya had been gone almost a month and he was… coping. Chuuya would probably be mad when he came back or if he came back at all. But Dazai couldn't find himself to care at the moment.

    He was sick of this lonely feeling in his chest he couldn't explain, he was sick of Chuuya's constant absences. He just missed his partner, he missed Chuuya .

    And that's how Dazai found himself with his phone in his hand and the sound of a phone ringing through the apartment, through his intoxicated state he had called Chuuya. The phone only kept ringing though, until it hit voicemail and hearing Chuuya's voice even through a recording made him almost want to cry and he’d never felt more pathetic.

    “..Hey Chuuya, It's been a while.. Probably, it feels like so much longer since your y’know… never around anymore? Everyday I used to wake up with the expectation of warmth around me or the smell of you cooking but now I wake up and it's cold and the air smells stale. Almost like no one's even living here at all. You're always off on missions, it's so cruel.. Your so cruel Chibi.. Getting me comfortable in this feeling of companionship before ripping it out from under me, or maybe it's Mori who's the cruel one for always sending you away. What happened to your loyalty.. You're supposed to be my dog stupid slug” He mumbled through the phone, like he was actually talking to someone. Chuuya hadn't picked up the phone though.

    “This is stupid, I don't know why i even called you, Nothing's more pathetic than that, than this . If I'm lucky then you’ll never hear this, but of course I already know my luck is nonexistent so I know you won't. It's whatever though.. I guess. Feelings are so disgusting..” He trailed off as he drank more of the whiskey and the phone slipped from his hand and he accidentally sent the voice mail hanging up. But he didn't really register that. Or how a few minutes later his phone started blowing up with calls and texts from the contact ‘Slug’. He also didn't register the warmth of tears falling and sliding down his cheeks. He did register the bottle he was drinking fall over empty, and the faint pain he felt as he fell from a sitting position to laying on his side as he slowly fell into unconsciousness. His mind feeling strangely at ease.

_______


    The last thing Chuuya had expected was to get a call from Dazai in the middle of the night. He barely had registered his phone ringing at first until the call had already gone away and he found himself blinking himself awake. Half asleep from a long day as he grabbed his phone from the nightstand and looked at who the missed call was from. He found himself very awake when he saw the contact name ‘Mackerel’ staring back at him and how he had a new voicemail. He found himself wide awake and packing his shit after he had listened to the voicemail and heard how vulnerable Dazai had sounded. Dazai was alone in that state and Chuuya would be damned if he stayed and didn't go home to check on the idiot.

    Chuuya’s had more than enough scares of Dazai being stupid to ignore this obvious cry for help. Chuuya never knew Dazai missed him when he went away, He never realized how much his absence might actually be affecting the other. And he felt so stupid for not realizing how obvious it was earlier. How his face fell whenever his phone rang, How he’d seemed more distant lately and just how much the light he’d had in his eyes when they hung out had dulled. He had so many obvious signs that Chuuya so blatantly ignored that he felt guilty. Almost terribly so. But it was stupid to dwell on that now he needed to get home now. Chuuya hadn't had much with him so he packed the few things he brought on the mission with him and got his shoes on, not bothering to change and he left.

    It didn't take him long to get to the apartment. With his ability he flew through the air and was able to avoid the obstacle of traffic. One second too late and Dazai could no longer be breathing. Chuuya knew Dazai's situation was… he didn't want to say delicate, but it felt like the only word for the moment as he finally found himself standing in front of his and Dazai's apartment door, opening it slowly and gently before shutting it behind him. But when he turned around, he dropped the bag he was carrying right on the floor seeing the mess that was Dazai in front of him, laying on his side on the floor of the living room behind the couch. He was surrounded by empty bottles of alcohol and Chuuya cursed to himself.

    He wanted to be angry at him for seeing the apartment in such a shitty state but he couldn't, not when he rushed over to find a pulse and saw the tear streaks on Dazai's face. He couldn't be angry when he was faced with an unconscious and probably drunk Dazai that looked so peaceful yet so vulnerable and fragile all at the same time.

    Chuuya was relieved feeling Dazai's pulse as he carefully maneuvered Dazai onto his back, and slipped an arm under his back and his other under his knees as he picked Dazai up gently in his arms not wanting to jostle the mess of a man too much. He carefully stepped around the empty bottles and made his way to the bedroom, and gently laid Dazai down. Wiping a stray tear from his cheek with his thumb and feeling a pang of concern at how Dazai didn't stir at all when Chuuya moved him. He sighed, Guilt swirling in his chest despite how he couldn't have known this was bothering Dazai since Dazai had never communicated that fact to him, he just should've known.

    Chuuya made quick work of picking up the apartment. Throwing away the empty bottles and the takeout Dazai hadn't been able to throw away himself. Washing the dirty dishes that had piled up in the sink as well. Once he finished making the apartment presentable again he made his way back to the bedroom. Staring at Dazai for a moment where he laid now curled up in bed before slipping off his shoes and climbing into bed next to the other. Carefully bringing him into his arms and feeling a sense of relief when Dazai cuddled closer and relaxed in his hold as Chuuya pressed a gentle kiss to his forehead and let his own eyes fall shut. Falling asleep intertwined with the other.

_______


    Dazai woke up feeling more rested then he had in probably months. He woke up alone of course. Which he was used to by now but he smelled breakfast in the kitchen and that woke him up fast despite his pounding headache from drinking so much last night. He sat up, feeling mildly confused, more than mildly actually because he was also in bed. Which wasn't where he was when he passed out. And there was a cup of water on the bedside table, he stood up after a moment grabbing the cup and taking it with him. Chuuya wasn't supposed to be back from his mission for probably another weak so he didn't understand what was going on as he slipped out the bedroom and set the cup on the coffee table before going to the kitchen, peaking in to see Chuuya, Hair in a loose ponytail as he cooked what seemed to be pancakes, Humming to himself.

    Dazai found himself completely distracted by the sight of Chuuya like this he didn't even register how he was just blankly staring at the man until Chuuya turned around and jumped slightly, seeing Dazai's blank stare on him.

    “How many times have I told you not to sneak up on me like that Shitty Dazai, especially when I'm cooking” Chuuya huffed annoyance in his tone but it was clearly edged with concern, When Dazai stayed silent he continued. “Look, go sit in the living room while I finish this up and then we need to sit down and talk, alright?”

    Dazai gave a small nod before walking off to the living room before Chuuya could say anything else, sitting himself down on the couch as he sipped the water Chuuya must have provided him when he woke up. He didn't want to fall back into this, this familiarity of companionship because he knew Chuuya's presence wouldn't last. He’d get another call for a long-term solo mission soon enough and would be gone before Dazai could do anything about it. He was used to it now, He didn't want to feel pain again, but this felt so fucking nice and he didn't want it to disappear again, He barely registered Chuuya walking in until a plate was set in front of him and Chuuya sat next to him, and then Chuuyas hand was cupping his face, and his eyes widened a fraction.

    “Hey, why are you crying ‘Samu?” Chuuya said, concern in his eyes and his brows furrowed.

    Dazai hadn't even realized he had started crying, he must be going soft. He pulled away from Chuuya's touch albeit reluctantly and wiped his own tears.

    “I'm not crying” He supplied unhelpfully because the tears weren't stopping. And Chuuya gave him a deadpan look.

    “Yeah sure, I’m not blind Mackerel. What's wrong idiot, I need you to communicate with me.” Chuuya pushed and Dazai averted his gaze, giving up on wiping away his flowing tears.

    “I… I miss you.” Dazai supplied simply and Chuuya frowned.

    “Well I know that much, I listened to the voicemail. I didn't realize my long-term missions were affecting you so much. Why didn't you just say something?” Chuuya inquired though it felt like a stupid question, Dazai was never forthcoming with his feelings or with anything that caused him distress so of course he’d bottle it up until it became too much.

    “I didn't know how. It felt stupid and it still does, I got used to you always being around and then you just.. Stopped being around and I guess I was too pathetic to handle it. I’m used to being alone, and I'm used to the absence of other people in my life so I don't know why it bothered me so much to have you disappear from my everyday life and never really text or call. I grew to hate waking up alone in a cold and empty apartment everyday Chuuya it felt like I needed you to stay every time you left, and I couldn't say anything because I was scared. I was scared at admitting I needed someone to stay that i had this attachment, I don't know like I said it's so stupid, Stupid Chibi’s making me feel things, Bad dog” Dazai whined at the end, complaining as he rambled before Chuuya's hands were pulling him close and his arms were wrapping around him in a warm embrace that Dazai could only melt into. Burying his face in Chuuya's shoulder, No longer crying.

    “Can’t even drop the dog shit when having a serious conversation, Idiot. It's okay to feel things, It's okay to… Have attachments. It's not okay to bottle everything up though, which I know you love doing” Chuuya gave Dazai a squeeze. “If you had just said something.. I would've taken less missions, and especially less long term ones that had me going far away. I’m.. Sorry Samu” Chuuya said, the apology felt weird directed at Dazai and Dazai seemed to feel the same.

    “Chibi apologizing? Now that's a first” Dazai snickered, finding it amusing and he found himself.. Feeling warm and fuzzy inside a feeling he certainly wasn't used to, but he couldn't hate it. He couldn't hate it at all when he was in Chuuya's arms like this.

    Dazai felt content again. Warm and content instead of warm and alone and he hopes that feeling never leaves again. Maybe he can have at least one good thing in this miserable life that was his. And his to keep.

    “Now we gotta eat breakfast before it gets cold, enough of this sappy shit” Chuuya supplied letting go of Dazai albeit reluctantly and seeing the light in Dazai's eyes when he did made everything so much more worth it.

    “Yeah yeah Chibi’s such a mother hen” Dazai said, rolling his eyes as he started picking at his food.

    “Shut up idiot, I am not” Chuuya huffed as he began eating his own before Dazai suddenly spoke up taking Chuuya's attention away from the food in front of him.

    “Thank you by the way.. For uh, coming back and stuff” Dazai supplied, feeling faintly embarrassed feeling Chuuya's gaze on him as he avoided his.

    “You thanking me is just as weird as me apologizing to you, but you're welcome idiot, now eat” Chuuya said albeit with a small smile on his face.

    “I am!” Dazai huffed indignantly but turned his attention to the food in front of him, as he fought back his own smile. Because he wasn't alone anymore. And nothing could ruin this moment of companionship between them, no interruptions. Not this time and never again.